The door finally opened and she was greeted with a half dressed Connor with just a towel wrapped around his waist - but he wasn't wet. As his eyes met hers, the colour changed to an ashen shade instantly, his face drained of colour.
“Amber,” he managed to force the words out, just about. He looked over his shoulder and back at her, “Wh-what are you doing here? Sorry, I took so long, I was, erm, preoccupied, but what the hell are you doing here?”
“Can I come in?” she asked, biting her lip a little. She knew something was going on, but she needed him. He was her last hope. She took a step forward, but the moment Connor stepped in the way, Amber’s heart felt the deceit burning up.
Taking a step back into the hallway, she suddenly realised the man before her was not her Connor.
Chapter Eighteen
"Connor," Amber whispered. "What's wrong, are you okay?" She asked as she reached for him but he took a step back.
"Why are you here? I don't understand," muttered Connor his voice hushed.
"I came to be with you, I can't be alone anymore, Connor, I just can't. Can I come in?" Pushing herself passed him she dropped her bags in the hallway and walked into his living area. The TV was on and she sat down on the sofa. "I want to marry you," Amber whispered as Connor came to sit by her. Looking sideways to meet his eyes she smiled and he didn't return it.
Running his hands through his hair, Connor exhaled loudly and stood to pace back and forth in front of her. "That's lovely, Amber, but you can’t be here right now, I don't understand why you're here?"
Staring in disbelief, Amber knew exactly what was transcending from her boyfriend’s demeanour, but a part of her wanted to believe it was because he was like all the others. "Clearly you don't want me here. Fucking brilliant! I come all this way back to be with you after being a shell without you and all I get is 'you shouldn't be here'. Well excuse me for wanting to be with the man I love." Amber stood, and was about to leave, when she heard a shriek female voice she had never heard before. Turning to the sound, she pelted into the direction of Connor’s bedroom and almost fell when she reached the door frame. Before her eyes she saw a young blonde naked. She watched as she pulled the sheets over her, but Amber became furious. Turning back she saw Connor run to see what she had seen, and open his mouth to speak. Before he could, her hand rang across his cheek as hard as she could and she felt stronger than ever.
"How long?" was all she asked through clenched teeth.
"Amber I-"
"How fucking long, Connor?" She watched as he backed away, his eyes searching hers. "Tell me!" Amber yelled, the pain screaming through her system.
"Before I moved to London," he told her, unable to give her eye contact.
Amber’s world darkened in an instant and she felt every ounce of her get swallowed by death itself and she stood there, breathless, and infuriated. She cast her eyes up at Connor, finally meeting his gaze and she felt like her entire body was on fire.
“Before London?” she asked him in a simple, calm tone and she forbid the tears right now from falling. “You’ve been with her since before London?” she asked and Connor nodded at her, feeling uneasy under Amber’s gaze. “All the business trips, the business calls. You fucking liar,” she said as she put all of the pieces together in one a shocking realisation. “You absolute fucking liar!” she literally screeched at Connor and with both palms to his chest, forcing him away enough to not feel claustrophobic.
“I’m sorry,” he tried to apologised profusely at her, but he can tell words were futile.
Amber said nothing, instead she turned back to the woman in the bedroom who now had one of Connor’s shirts on. The sight, albeit bittersweet, only fuelled Amber’s fury. “You might have had a laugh at my expense, love, but remember Connor’s a cheat. He’ll never change, and you might believe that he can, but really he can’t. You might have known about me as well, but he cheated on you considering we had sex literally most of last week. Against the wall, in the kitchen, in the shower, hell, in that bed not only three days ago even!” she exclaimed, using mock surprise to aid her sarcasm. “Sweetheart, you’re welcome to him.”
Connor was in shock at the feistiness of Amber. He had speculated her reactions. The first was her being completely broken and crying on the floor, and another had been begging and pleading for him to choose her. He had never enlisted anger as a reaction, and it honestly scared him.
“Baby,” he said as he followed Amber away from the bedroom, “I’m sorry. She means nothing to me, and you need to understand that. She’s just a fling.”
Amber let a laugh of irony, “A fling? Con, if I were you I’d look up the definition of fling because clearly you don’t know it. You’re a two timing bastard and I cannot believe I finally decided to accept your marriage proposal.” She looked at her hand tore the ring off, repelled by the sight of the glistening diamond. “That’s yours,” she said and threw it at him, pleased when it hit his chest and bounced off.
“Amber, no,” Connor literally gasped, unable to accept this was now over.
“You had your fun, and I am done being a doormat. I seriously thought you loved me, but clearly you only loved pleasing yourself.” She shook her head in disappointment. “I cannot believe you would do this to me. Everything you said to me, all the promises, absolutely everything was a lie.”
“I know I lied to you, Amber, and you’re perfect and you haven’t deceived me and I know I was wrong,” Connor rambled on, falling for the desperate man act. “You’d never do this to me, and that’s what makes it even worse. I messed up and I want to make it right. I want to be the guy you can love and be proud of because that’s what you deserve, Amber.”
Amber snapped. She snapped into action, and she snapped on holding her own infidelity quiet. “Well guess what, Connor?” she started to ask, grabbing her things. “I slept with Ethan and he was twice the man you were! So I’m not so perfect,” she told him, issuing her own piece of vengeance and finally went to leave.
Except Connor grabbed her wrist, spun her around and his emblazoned eyes told her this was far from over. The grip on her arm was knee-weakening, the pain striking through to her bone and she felt scared for the first time ever for being powerless to Connor.
“What did you just say to me about that fucking bastard?”
Pulling back her arm, she felt her muscles tighten. "Don't call him that. And don't you even start, Connor. Don't even go there. You left me to be with this whore." Amber waved her hand towards the girl now stood at the bedroom door. "So don't you even fucking dare!" Amber rubbed her arm and regretted every moment spent with Connor. "How could you?" She asked, now feeling the reality kick in.
"Amber baby please..." Amber lifted her hand to stop him. Fastening the bag around her she quickly pulled her hood over her head. "Amber please!" Connor begged, his eyes growing heavy with tears. He loved this girl so much and he broke her.
"Fuck you, Connor, and fuck her too. I've been home for two days all alone and I came down here to be with you. I would have told you about Ethan, but I couldn't do that to you. Yet here you are all over this sorry looking girl when I've been drinking myself silly with pain. I now have nothing. I don't have you and I don't have Ethan. He's left. Gone. I'm all alone in the whole fucking world. Thank you so much." Turning to walk down the hallway Connor grabbed her arm again.
"I can't believe you slept with Ethan."
Laughter escaped Amber's lips and she sniffled slightly. "I can't believe you did this to me after promising marriage to me, a chance at real life! You know what happened with me and my parents, yet here you are fucking some random woman who you've been seeing since before you left my house. Y'know, when I took you in, cooked for you, cared for you, fell in love with you. Have a good life Connor." Swallowing back the sob at the words she said to Ethan earlier she opened the apartment door and slammed it behind her. Running down the corridor she heard Connor chase after her but he couldn't get far being in a towel.
***
The streets were cold and her bags grew heavy on her back. Stopping at Hyde Park she couldn't believe how far she had walked. Sitting down on a bench she pulled out her iPhone and saw nothing. No notifications of any kind. Looking up, she spotted a Premier Inn and decided to check in before venturing back home tomorrow, not that it was home or any kind of happiness. She needed a shower desperately.
Paying the clerk the ridiculous £50 for the night she opened the hotel room and dropped her bags. She fell back against the white sheets and let her tired body fall into the mattress. She had no emotion. She was emotionless. Sitting up, she ordered herself some chips from room service and showered her worries away. Spending her evening eating chips and watching some action film on the TV in her room, she found falling asleep was easier, and she let her dreams take her away.
She awoke to manic tapping on the door and she bolted up from the mattress, her hand on her thundering heart. She looked to the clock and saw it was well after midnight and she just couldn’t comprehend who would be knocking on her door. No one knew she was here; no one cared enough to know.
“Open up, Amber! I know you’re in there!” Connor’s voice boomed through the locked door.
Lying back down, Amber allowed her racing heart to calm its galloping. Why should she answer the door to him? Why should she give him the benefit of the doubt? He didn’t deserve it, like he didn’t deserve a second chance. Hell, she didn’t deserve a second chance with Connor because they were both in the same boat.
They were even now.
Even if that didn’t change a thing, they had both been committed to an adulterous sin so they were on the same page. With that thought, she pulled herself up and stalked unhappily to the door. She had a face like thunder, wild hair and a raw, aching heart. With all that, she threw the door open to come face to face with a guilty looking Connor.
“How did you find me?” she beseeched heatedly, her hand on the door, blocking his way into her hotel room.
“I followed you,” Connor spoke with ease. “I had to.”
“You had to let me go,” Amber stated and swallowed hard. “You have no right following me. What are you going to do, Connor?” she asked in a sarcastic tone. “Going to tell me how sorry you are, play the remorseful man, play the victim?”
“No,” he exhaled at her, trying to get her to weaken her resolve towards him.
“Then what?” she barked at him, realising the sight of him was slowly boiling her blood. “You have no idea how it feels to be me right now, Connor. No idea at all.”
Connor’s eyes widened in that moment. “You cheated on me too! Don’t play the innocent fucking victim when you cheated on me too!”
“Once!” she bellowed at him, putting her finger up to apply the emphasis. “I did it once, and at least I told you! Had I just used the fucking key you gave me I could well have found you balls deep in her, and well, that would have been a wonderful parting gift.”
“Oh please,” Connor finally lost the solemn gaze and fought back. “We both did wrong. We’re both losing out here.”
“We’re both losing out here? I don’t see you losing much more than a problem,” she asked him. “I quit my job, literally quit my family to come here to you, Con,” she told him, her tears falling down in silent rivers. “I gave it all up because there was a part of me that just wanted to have you wrap your arms around me and tell me that everything was going to be okay. I didn’t want anyone else, but you, and the man that answered the door wasn’t you.” Amber shook with a mirthless laugh, “No, the guy that answered the door was the man that never rang me for days and rarely Skyped. He was preoccupied and distant. He didn’t care for me and he certainly didn’t want to marry me.”
“I’ve always wanted to marry you,” he fought with her, strained to get her to hear his tone.
“You wanted to marry me when you were fucking that blonde in our potential marital bed?” she asked him sarcastically. She received no response, no beggar’s belief saying, no pleas. “I bet I was all over your mind in that instant wasn’t I? I bet I was all you were thinking of. I bet you were wishing she was me.” Amber couldn’t withhold the sarcasm as she said each other sentences. “That’s what I tried to make myself believe for a moment. That you felt bad, that you wished it was me, that you got too deep, but that’s not the truth is it?”
“I did get too deep and I gave you that ring to help myself. I wanted to sort myself out. You were my incentive to being a decent guy,” Connor bargained with her, trying to make her see how guilty he felt.
“But when you proposed to me you were the deceiving guy!” Amber shouted at him, “Can’t you see how wrong that is? I shouldn’t have been an incentive for you to give up an affair, Connor! I should have been enough for you to never have cheated in the first place,” as she said that she broke down. “I should have been enough!”
“You were enough,” Connor told her back, the veins showing up as he began to get tenser over it all. “Why wasn’t I enough, Amber? You slept with Ethan, so clearly I meant nothing to you too.”
“That meant nothing,” Amber lied through her teeth at him. That night meant the world to her, but she wasn’t going to add fuel to the fire.
“You still slept with Ethan and where is he?” Connor asked in a dangerously low tone. “Oh yeah, not with you, is he? He’s elsewhere with Eva, without you and loving life by the looks of Facebook. You had a man that didn’t want you.”
“Least I had him,” she said and slammed the door on Connor, ignoring his begging through the door. Sliding down the door she listened as his fist kept thumping on the door. "Go away," Amber screeched angry at his abundance. Knocking her head back she listened as he fell to the floor.
"Please baby, let me in."
"No."
"Amber please!" Connor shouted, desperation cursing through him. "Just talk to me I'm worth that at least right?"
Seconds passed before she heard Connor stand to his feet and walk away. Withdrawing a breath she didn't think she was holding she stood to her feet. Opening the door with trembling fingers she was greeted by Connor, who stood across the hall.
"Let. Me. In," Connor spat through gritted teeth. He barged forward and pushed Amber through the door. In a way she was happy that he was out of the corridor and not making noise.
"You can't just barge in here!" Amber yelled wrapping her dressing gown tighter around her.
"I can do whatever the fuck I want. Why did you do that, Amber? Why did you sleep with him?"
Shaking her head Amber sighed. "Get out, Connor. We're over, done. Just leave me alone." Amber began to walk back through to the window at the end of the room. Wrapping her arms around her she felt tears fall as the rain pattered hard against the window. "Go, leave."
"I can't, I wanna know why you did that. Ethan? Amber, why?"
"Because you didn't give a fuck!" Amber replied turning on the spot. "You left me all on my own, and the whole time you were shagging that blonde whore. I obviously meant shit to you."
Connor stomped towards her and Amber moved back, frightened by the man she loved this morning. "The only whore here is you," Connor whispered, his mouth close to her ear.
Amber pushed him back, and slapped his cheek with the only strength she had. "Ethan was there on my birthday, you were probably too busy playing happy families with that bitch." Amber stood shell shocked for a moment before she began to laugh in disbelief. "I can't believe you just called me a whore," Amber whispered, scoffing slightly. "Me, a whore? What does that make you?"
Ignoring the question, Connor continued to plead with desperation. "I love you, Amber. I have loved you forever. I don't know what I was doing, it was temptation and I'm sorry. I love you, you're the one I want."
"How can you love me, when you called me a whore a second ago?" Amber asked dumbfounded, her shock not easing.
"Because I was mad, Amber. I love you more than anything. I will always love you." Connor walked towards her but could see he was faili
ng in getting her back. "I'm sorry," Connor whispered giving in to defeat. "Have a really lost you?"
Nodding at him, Amber felt the tears fall. "Just go. Don't call me, don't message me. Just leave me alone, okay?" Connor opened his mouth to speak but shut it quickly. "The sad thing is that I love you too, Con, and I more than likely always will. Go home."
Connor walked backwards toward the door, and left a broken man, and a coward for turning his back on the only girl he saw forever with.
Amber walked up to the door and rested her forehead against it. Memories that needed to be erased grabbed hold of her and she missed him already. Breathing in deep she held the lingering air in her lungs for a second before exhaling. Walking back towards the bed she slid in and pulled the crisp white duvet back over her shivering body. They were over.
***
The shower was warm and soothed her cool skin as she lathered her hair with the hotels shampoo. Amber was alone. She was forever doomed with the guilt she felt for the two men who she loved. Connor had cheated on her. That caused rage and pain. Feeling the tears fall down her cheeks Amber dashed them away harshly and left the shower.
Pulling on fresh underwear she discarded her dirty ones and felt clean. Drying her hair and tying it back, she felt a breakdown lingering in the back of her throat, desperate for an escape. Securing her bag and carrying her suitcase, she made her way through the busy streets of London.
Crashing into random people she apologised each time, and the tears came fast to her eyes. She didn't know how to get from one part of the tube station to the next, but she felt herself cram onto random underground trains, the sweat covering her body. Escaping her third underground train she stopped.
With blurred vision, Amber turned in her spot, panicking that she might miss any possible train home. She couldn't believe that in her hysteria she had ran into the wrong station and now felt trapped in the middle of St Pancras station.
Your Little Secret Page 19