Redefining Us: A Reclusive Novel

by Harloe Rae

  I need him to act on it. I continue goading him to make sure he’s too far gone to stop.

  “Use me. You’ve completely shut yourself off from everything but I’m standing right here. You need to get the anger out, Xander. Let me have it. Don’t keep it locked away anymore. It’s been trapped too long. You need someone to fire it at? Use me!” My breasts rise with my accelerated breathing. I’m not above begging at this point.

  “You better be fucking careful with what you’re offering, Willow. I’m not the nice guy I used to be. I will destroy your light and drag you right down with me.” Xander is restlessly clenching his hands as he stalks closer. He bites down on his bottom lip as his blue orbs hungrily feast on my chest. Unashamed.

  “Good.” That’s the only response I provide. I curl my lip up in what I hope is an alluring smirk.

  That is all the invitation Xander needs. He closes the remaining distance between us with a snarl.

  * * *

  My eyes ravage Willow’s succulent curves and she makes me feel fucking famished. After I get a taste, I’ll only crave more. I know I’m headed for further demise by taking what she’s offering but I can’t seem to give a shit. Sinking deep inside of her and burying myself to the hilt is the only way to satisfy this deprivation.

  I have Willow slammed up against the wall as soon as she gives me the green light. She has no fucking clue what she’s gotten herself into. I’m furious about all the bullshit she spat my way and her body is about to pay.

  “You’re in so much fucking trouble. You should have left when you had the chance, Willow,” I growl close to her ear. She trembles in my arms. I’m not sure if it’s anticipation or fear. Maybe both.

  My mouth attacks her neck in a series of vicious bites. I know I’m being too rough but her breathy moans keep encouraging me. Willow stretches farther to give me better access and I eagerly take advantage. I grab her toned thighs to lift her higher up, closer to where I need her. Willow instantly responds by wrapping her long legs tightly around my waist.

  When she starts to grind her hips into me, I lose my fucking mind. This girl has always played the leading role in my fantasies but nothing I ever conjured up does justice to the real deal. Willow is thrashing her head and digging her nails into the wall. She’s arching her back so her generous tits smash into my chest. I need to feast on that pillowy flesh.

  I grip the hem of her shirt and rip it right down the middle. My barbaric behavior only excites Willow more. I can’t understand the unintelligible nonsense spilling from her lips but my attention isn’t focused on her mouth.

  Her skin is so fucking soft against my rough palms. She’s flawless and perfect. I can’t wait to make her dirty. My fingers roam up her ribs to squeeze her tempting breasts together. I get the desired effect and it is mouthwatering.

  I hike Willow up higher along the wall with a tight grip on her hip and continue grinding my hard into her soft. I bury my nose into the valley between her juicy tits. I get high off her intoxicating scent. A drawn out groan crawls up my throat as I drag my tongue along her. I sink my teeth in and suck hard. She tastes so fucking fantastic. Willow is going wild against me as I worship her body.

  “Can I touch you? Please?” Her whispered request is a balm to my erratic mind. The fact she even has to ask pisses me off again.

  I’m such an asshole.

  “Yes. Fuck yes. Put your hands on me, Willow. Touch me all you fucking want,” I grunt before licking down her jaw. I want my scent covering every inch of her. I return my attention to her chest while my hands grip her ass cheeks in a punishing hold.

  When her delicate hands make contact with my shoulders, the anger evaporates. I feel indescribable pleasure descend over me. Even through my shirt, I feel the impact of her touch settle deep within me. I get an overwhelming urge to connect with her in every way possible.

  My cock is ready to burst and we’re just getting started. I haul her impossibly closer. I dig the solid steel in my pants into the most sensitive part of her. I want more.

  “Willow, I need to fuck you,” I groan between panting gulps. I’m grinding her against me rough and fast. I could easily come from this alone. My grip on her leg and ass is so firm I know I’ll leave bruises. With that thought, I suck in a mouthful of skin from her shoulder. I pull and bite hard enough to ensure I’ll mark her there as well.

  “Yes, yes, please. Do it, Xander. Please!” Willow’s shameless begging has me taking immediate action. She sounds delirious and that drives me fucking insane. I can’t wait any longer. I need to bury myself deep.

  Willow is still wearing too many fucking clothes. I grip the material between her legs and rip until fabric tears away. I shove my pants down just enough for my cock to jut out. I wrap my fist around my rigid shaft and impatiently hover at Willow’s entrance.

  I invade her wet core in a forceful thrust. Willow’s head bangs against the wall with the powerful momentum behind my vigorous movements.

  I’m going to explode.

  “FUCK!” I yell while Willow’s mouth gapes open in a silent scream.

  I squeeze my eyes shut and grit my teeth. I can’t fucking come with the first stroke. Thoughts of Willow getting off from my cock swirl through my mind. I might be an asshole but I’ve never been selfish while fucking. She’s making it really tough with her pussy squeezing my dick in a chokehold. I can confidently say I’ve never felt anything this fucking amazing before. I let the truth loose.

  “Shit, Willow! Your pussy is SO. FUCKING. GOOD!” I punctuate each word with a shallow glide in her silky heat. “I’m going to fucking ruin you!” My brain is mush. I don’t even know what type of craziness I’m spewing. All I know is I’m finally deep inside the only girl I ever really wanted.

  We aren’t having sex. It’s definitely not making love. This is angry fucking. With every brutal thrust into her body, the anguish pours out of me and my mind focuses on the pleasure. I am like a man possessed and being forced to take this woman. There is absolutely nothing that could stop this primal act.

  Willow’s hands start wandering and the sensation of her seductive touch further heightens my arousal. Her fingers glide up my neck and into my hair. She rakes her nails against my scalp before pulling on the roots. I falter and almost lose my hold on her.

  Then Willow leans in and gently kisses my chest.

  I’m a fucking goner.

  She just destroyed me with that move.

  Now I am fucking claiming her and Willow gladly signs over her rights.

  I grip her hips and slam her down onto me even harder. Skin is slapping loudly and echoing throughout the room. I would be concerned I was hurting Willow but her intoxicating noises prove she is in pure ecstasy. I lock my teeth onto her earlobe and growl as the hunger threatens to take over. I want to own this woman. Entirely.

  I’m conquering her body, dominating her mind, and commanding her soul. Willow is fucking mine.

  I bring my hand down to where we are connected to feel her tiny body taking my massive cock. The strong suction makes my balls tighten. I could get off on hearing how soaked she is. My fingers slide through her drenched seam and rub her swollen clit. Willow starts bucking against me and becomes even more frenzied.

  I’m relentless as my shaft fiercely pounds into her. My hand is still wedged between us and focused on blowing her mind. Willow begins to shake uncontrollably as I furiously attack her clit.

  I resume biting and sucking any exposed flesh she is offering. I can’t hold off much longer. I hitch one of her legs higher on my waist to change the angle and that effectively propels Willow over the edge.

  “Xander, please, please! Keep going, harder! Yes, yes, YES!” Her screams shove me off the ledge of sanity and I free-fall into her body. I’m thrusting wildly as my come shoots into her desperate pussy. Continuous jets stream out to coat her walls with me. My release seems to keep going until finally I can’t stay upright any longer. Willow collapses with me on the floor in a pile of limbs and bodily flui
ds.

  Our heavy breathing is the only sound surrounding us. We lay there for countless moments, not in any hurry to move. I’m trying to collect my shattered thoughts over what the fuck just happened.

  My arms are wrapped protectively around Willow. She’s still stroking through my hair, which is so fucking soothing I could almost fall asleep. Her fingers are so delicate and careful in their movements. Like she’s comforting me. Regret pools in my stomach as shame slams into me.

  Holy shit.

  I just fucked Willow, and I do mean fucked. I can feel my seed seeping out of her onto my leg. There was nothing nice about what just happened between us.

  The urge to escape overwhelms me. I can’t handle the look of disgust that I’m sure is marring her beautiful face. There is no doubt Willow is offended by that depraved act I just forced upon her. The panic causes my heart to take off at an alarming pace. Sheer terror over what happens next has the darkness blurring my vision.

  I’m so disgusting.

  With that thought as motivation, I untangle from her body and run for the door.

  * * *

  One moment I’m totally blissed out, wrapped in Xander’s arms. The next I’m being dumped on the freezing floor as he flees. Again.

  What the heck?!

  That jerk took off almost as soon as he came inside of me.

  Without a condom!

  He’s darn lucky I’m on birth control. Xander better not try pushing me away after what we just shared. I’ve never experienced anything even close to that, whatever that even was. I thought we actually made progress by engaging in such an intense act. There is no way he can actually believe I will let him pull this disappearing crap. Nope, not happening. We are going to freaking talk about this one way or another.

  My shirt is destroyed so I grab a discarded bedsheet and wrap it tightly around my body. I am so fuming mad as I storm off after Xander that my face feels lit with flames. My blood turns to burning lava as I prepare for a battle. When I yank open the door, I am fully prepared to release all of my aggravation on him but the words die in my throat.

  Xander is anxiously pacing barefoot in the deep snow, making a clear path with each step. He’s yanking hard on his hair and muttering under his breath. I’m not sure if he’s aware of my presence. Xander appears consumed by his thoughts and lost to anything else. I fear that whatever is holding him captive is beginning to take control. Raw pain is openly exposed on his face as he clenches his eyes shut.

  I slowly walk closer to him while calling his name in an attempt to gain his attention. Xander’s distressed stride does not falter or slow. I tentatively reach my hand out to grasp his arm, fully aware of the potential repercussions. I’m shocked when his restless movements instantly stop. Xander’s concentration is focused on my fingers against his skin. I hope this is still all right and it wasn’t just because his guard was down during sex. Maybe it’s a good time to ask.

  “Is it alright that I’m touching you?” I breathe out, feeling the nerves bubble in my stomach.

  Xander lifts his cobalt eyes to look at me and shrugs. “It’s different with you somehow. I’ve had a fucking aversion to people’s touch for years but with you, it’s the opposite. I don’t fucking understand and I can’t describe it.” His admission seems to flow out of him without permission. I’m totally taken by surprise with what Xander just revealed. My stunned silence seems to have his anxiety creeping back in as his hands begin to tremble.

  “Does that freak you out, Willow? I didn’t mean to make you more uncomfortable than I already have.” His stare is so laser focused that I swear he is looking deep into my soul. I mentally shake off the impact of his words so I can enjoy the openness Xander is offering.

  “You have no idea what that means to me, Xander. To be honest, I am a little unsure of what to say. I am still in shock over what happened between us before you stormed out here. To have that type of impact on someone, especially you, is mind boggling. It makes me feel really special and I like that. Probably too much.” I bring my free hand to my forehead and try to gather my thoughts.

  “What do you mean by that? Especially you?” Xander inquires as soon as I stop speaking.

  I choke on my tongue as the secret I’ve held far too long tries to escape.

  He doesn’t really expect me to lay everything out and admit all of my feelings after our rocky reunion, right?

  I go with a safer explanation.

  “Well, you know, we were once best friends and you always meant so much to me. To know you might still care about me on some subconscious level really resonates within me, Xander.” Our eyes are locked and something monumental seems to pass between us.

  He takes a step closer and I shiver from his dominating presence. The memory of what just transpired inside the house has a blush rising to my cheeks. If Xander notices, he doesn’t mention it.

  “Willow, I’ve been really shitty ever since you first knocked on my door. I can’t control my anger and I have all these screwed up thoughts constantly fucking with my mind. I’m a disaster, which is why I tried so hard to keep you away. There’s so much that’s happened and the man I used to be is long gone. I didn’t want to hurt you but now it’s too late. I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you like that.” He juts his chin toward the door, referring to the crazy escapdes we just had, before continuing.

  “Now everything is even more screwed up, which I didn’t realize was possible considering how messed up I already am.” He finishes with a distraught grunt.

  His stance looks so sad and unsettled. The deep frown marring his handsome face breaks me apart. I want to wrap him in a tight hug but I’m not sure if that would actually help.

  Xander’s distracted gaze bounces between my eyes and lips. The tension between us gains strength and becomes a living force. I lean further into his body to gain warmth, but mostly so I can rub along his naked flesh.

  It’s then I realize we haven’t even kissed. That kind of sets me off but in a weird way it makes me feel naughty. He pounded me into the wall but our mouths never met. That is definitely something to bring up later.

  Gosh, this is all so bizarre.

  We need to work together to make sense of all this. “You didn’t take advantage, Xander. I was a very willing participant and if I recall correctly, it was me that pushed you. I wanted everything you gave me and I loved what we just did. I didn’t want gentle or soft. I wanted you to unleash some of that brutal anger you harbor inside. Don’t you dare feel guilty. What I’m most concerned about is that we were always just friends and now those lines are very blurred. When I got here today, I wasn’t sure if we would ever talk again. Now, I feel like we’re in a strange place. I would love to spend time with you, Xander. I don’t expect anything other than trying to get to know who you are again. Is that something you would be cool with?” I couldn’t keep the hope out of my voice even if I tried.

  I kept holding Xander’s gaze, which was intently focused on my eyes while I spoke. I have no clue how he’ll react to what I just suggested. All I wanted was my friend back.

  All right, that’s totally bogus.

  I will never forget how it felt to have him buried deep inside me. I’d never been stretched so wide as my body acclimated to his generous size. The pinch of pain blended smoothly within the layers of pleasure. I’m getting wet just thinking about his hard thrusts into my soft center. I’m not sure how I will keep my true feelings hidden when I’m in this vulnerable state.

  What a disaster!

  “I don’t know what to say, Willow. I just brutally fucked you in my disgusting house. I’m such a bastard for treating you that way. Once upon a time, you were very special to me and you deserve so much better than what I did. You need so much more than the broken man I’ve become. I don’t even know how to be around people anymore. I’m not even sure I can mentally handle having you around. Saying it aloud makes me feel so fucking insane.” Xander breathed out a heavy sigh and scrubbed his palm against his rugged be
ard. His ocean eyes reflected sorrow within their depths.

  “I want you to have some decent memories of me and I fear if you spend more time here, I will tarnish even the best moments we shared. I know it is engrained in you to help others and try to fix their problems. I’m sure you’re an excellent therapist. I think you should just leave and forget about me.” He drops his eye contact with that last statement and it breaks my heart to see him so forlorn.

  His angry mask slips away and now I’m witnessing the misery trapped within. I’m not sure how it will work quite yet but I need to stick around to try rebuilding our bond.

  I squeeze his arm to get his attention back. “Xander, we just keep going in circles. We’ve come to an impasse and I refuse to walk away with so much still left unsaid. Let me at least help you clean up inside. You can’t convince me you’d rather manage that mayhem alone. Once we’re done, we can talk more about . . . whatever is going on. Sound fair?” I need him to agree. To let me begin helping him, even with this small task.

  I can already tell he is going to argue with me before he even starts. “Willow, listen . . .” I cut him off before he can say more. I have to hold back the urge to stamp my foot.

  “No. I’m going to help you because you’re my friend. Not a client or a patient. I will never, ever see you that way. I promise. Please don’t let your toxic thoughts trick your mind into believing otherwise. Please let me be here for you. At least just for a little bit.”

  I grab his shaking hand with my free one in an attempt to settle him. Xander slams his lids closed and gives his head a slight shake. When he reopens his eyes, they are clear and focused.

  “You have no fucking clue what you’re walking into, Willow. I’m a blasted hurricane set to destroy anything in my path. Why would you want to stay?” He’s so hesitant and resistant but I know he needs me here. I push a little harder.