Redefining Us: A Reclusive Novel

by Harloe Rae

  The hallucinations race through my brain on a jagged cycle. Ripping through my unbalanced psyche and destroying any semblance of normalcy. The visions haunt me relentlessly and become more gruesome with every loop around. Hard to fucking imagine but these pictures are worse than before. Instead of my fellow soldiers, it’s Willow dying. The woman I love being killed right before my eyes. Over and over and over again.

  Brutal.

  Inhumane.

  Grotesque.

  I can’t fucking stand it.

  I’m not strong enough to keep living when there is nothing to survive for. Willow kept me grounded but now I’m floating in toxic waste.

  I’m at the end of my fucking rope and I’m losing the will to keep holding on.

  The hate bubbles up my throat and I fucking choke from the acidic burning. It’s no wonder she left. I’m a disgrace and don’t deserve happiness. I allow the familiar destruction and loathing to wrap around me like a cloak, which effectively drags me deeper into the pit.

  I can’t go through this again so it’s time to end this shit once and for all.

  * * *

  Going out was a terrible idea. All it did was loosen my already weak grip on reality. With a few drinks under my belt, my heart had the opportunity to take control of this freaking disaster my life has become. Soon enough, I was openly sobbing, in the middle of the bar, on Lark’s shoulder. I tried my hardest to keep the crazy under wraps but once the flood started, there was no stopping the torrential downpour. Lark ushered me out and drove me home with strict instructions to head straight to bed. No more wallowing over Xander allowed.

  Yeah freaking right.

  I’m currently sprawled out on my couch, hysterical cries echo around the room as I mourn over the love I’ve tragically lost, while eating a pint of ice cream. Yes, I’ve turned into the typical cliché and proud of it. I’m not far enough gone that I don’t realize how dramatic this behavior is but I simply don’t care. I would gladly hop right back into Xander’s arms if I wasn’t scared of his rejection. His actions the other day practically destroyed me so I’m not super eager to receive another verbal lashing.

  For now, I’ll just pass the time blubbering like a scorned teenager. My biggest mistake was digging out the freaking scrapbook I’d made for Xander right after he left.

  Why do I insist on torturing myself?

  My finger traces along a picture that’s bordered with pink sparkly hearts. I vividly remember selecting the edging with way too much thought. I graze some satin ribbon that edges the page and release a broken breath. All these details are ridiculously excessive.

  With my beautiful craftsmanship on full display in front of me, the raw pain chews up my insides while my throat tightens to the point I can hardly breathe. He doesn’t even know I made this collection of memories for him and I’d promised myself years ago it wouldn’t resurface from the bottom of my closet. Alcohol had given me a different idea.

  With streaks of tears pouring down my cheeks, I recall why I decided to make this enormous waste of time in the first place.

  Xander had left a few hours ago and my heart was slowly breaking apart ever since. My stomach was a jumble of painful knots while my mind treated me to a nonstop replay of the stupid mistake I’d made. I should have told him I loved him and that for years I’d been wholly consumed with nothing but him. And now that Xander was gone, I was splintering apart from the inside out.

  I couldn’t survive without him.

  He was always there for me during my emotional meltdowns but he wasn’t here for this. My best friend was halfway across the world, preparing to fight in a war, and I couldn’t find the freaking courage to tell him how I really felt.

  I couldn’t wait to talk to Xander. Maybe the thousand pound weight on my chest would ease up after I knew he was safe. His soothing voice would repair my fractured insides and calm the persistent worry slithering along my skin. I was ready to tell Xander I loved him, no matter what. I was done with the missed opportunities and debilitating regret. Even if he didn’t feel the same way, relief would rush through me once I confessed my deepest desires.

  Exhaustion pulsed through my body but my brain refused to relax. I needed something to keep me occupied while I waited to hear from Xander. Inspiration bolted through me like lightening and I instantly planned a gift for his first care package. After he knew how I actually felt about him, a scrapbook of all of my favorite memories will be the perfect sentiment to show him how deep my attachment flowed. An enormous smile took over my heated face when I imagined him opening the box and finding the token of how I truly felt.

  It was absolutely perfect.

  My momentary glee vanishes with the faded memory as the anguish once again dominates my weary soul. I’d never heard from Xander that day, or any freaking day for that matter, until I went knocking on his door years later. The brightly burning love I had for him slowly transformed into piercing disbelief the longer he remained silent. The scrapbook leaves a bitter taste in my mouth since it’s a stark reminder that I’ve probably lost Xander all over again.

  What happens now?

  This destructive phase I’m drowning in can’t continue and I’m ready for a solution. The only possible option for me involves Xander, and I refuse to make the same mistakes as I did before. I won’t sit around and wait for him this time, which means I’ll be heading back to the woods soon enough.

  * * *

  Everything fucking hurts.

  White-hot agony slices through my torso as my limbs shake with excruciating convulsions.

  This must be hell.

  Aside from the uncontrollable tremors wracking my arms and legs, I can’t move. It seems fitting that I’m suspended in this paralyzing state of horrific torture. The end of my life should be an explosion of agonizing misery since that’s all I deserve.

  I choke on my next inhale, my lungs are burning like a blazing wildfire. Pitiful tears fall from my eyes and sear my cheeks like acid. I’m ready to face my eternal punishment for being such a coward.

  The demons have won and they’re coming for me. Just as my heart slows to a dangerously low beat, a bright flash flickers in my peripheral vision. Twisting my neck in the direction of the light sends a sharp pain down my spine but I’ve already gone mostly numb so I barely flinch.

  My exhausted brain registers the sight in front of me before my eyes can gather enough strength to see through the inky hue coating my vision.

  No.

  No, no, no.

  With what little strength remains in my weary body, I roll toward the blurry vision of Willow even though I hope she isn’t really there.

  Please don’t let her be trapped down in this pit darkness with me.

  My sweet angel doesn’t deserve the brutal abuse I’ll receive in the disgusting place I’m headed.

  My teeth clench painfully as an agonizing slash rips through my chest when I attempt to move closer. My bleary eyes squint in a weak effort to focus on her fuzzy form. Black spots dance in my vision and my heart begins to race in sheer terror.

  I can’t fucking die now.

  Not without protecting Willow from this hell first.

  My muscles scream in fury as I force them to start working again. I can’t handle the gruesome nightmare of her being locked in this dungeon with me. My last wish is to ensure her safety and it’s that driving demand that forces my broken body off the floor. Willow needs me and I can’t let go until I know she’s free.

  Blinding light engulfs the room as the haze in my mind clears. I stagger to my unstable feet with determination boiling in my gut. No matter what it fucking takes, I’ll make sure the love of my life is sheltered from harm.

  * * *

  Another dreadful forty-eight hours have passed where I’ve contemplated driving out to Xander’s place over a bazillion times. I can’t overcome the heavy weight of guilt from abandoning him out there all alone but it is so much more than that. Even with my mom’s uplifting pep talks and Lark’s continuou
s hovering, I can’t be bothered to care about anything else.

  There is a desperate urgency racing through my veins and I’m overcome with the need to have Xander’s strong arms wrapped around me. I need to tell him how much I love him and how agonizing it’s been since I’ve left. The fear of his rejection forces me to stay away. The uncertainty of Xander’s feelings gnaws an enormous hole of doubt into my mind.

  I worry about his reaction to my leaving and what he’s doing now that I’m gone. If how he was living before I showed up is any indication, I have every right to be nervous. Xander was a complete wreck and I hate imagining him slinking back into that existence.

  These daunting thoughts have been pestering me since I fled his house, and I’m slowly driving myself crazy. I can’t sleep, I barely eat, and functioning at work is obviously not a priority.

  Why did I feel the desperate need to return to the city? Why didn’t I just stay with Xander? I should have known I couldn’t withstand any separation between us.

  During my stay in the woods, I knew Xander was ruining me, but at the time it was an amazing thing. I cherished the faithful leap my heart took and appreciated the trust reflecting back at me in Xander’s eyes. I was irrecoverably his in every possible way. Now, that loyalty leaves me broken and useless. I can’t function without him.

  I’ve just resigned myself to driving to Xander first thing in the morning, when a startling pounding begins at my front door. My head whips to the clock on my nightstand to see it’s 3:00 in the effing morning. Who is their right mind would be here at this time?

  The nonstop banging gives me a sense of urgency so I jump into action without second thought. I peek through the side window but I can’t see a darn thing since it’s pitch black outside. I fumble for the light switch, but the glow isn’t much help. The looming figure on my stoop in covered in shadows.

  I unlock the bolts before gripping the knob to let my visitor inside. Once the door is creaked open, I get a solid look at the version of Xander I was terrified would return. His head remains lowered but I can see his entire form shaking and trembling uncontrollably. Despite everything between us, I’ve lost any hesitation when it comes to this man so I don’t think twice before reaching out to him at the same time he steps forward.

  I’m crushed against his quaking frame with my next breath. As his arms band around me, the tension begins to slowly seep out and Xander sags into our embrace. His hooded head nuzzles along my hair as he clutches me impossibly tighter.

  The agonized groan that vibrates from his throat causes my body to shudder. The noise that escapes him gives voice to his suffering.

  “Fuck, Wills. You have no idea how fucking good this feels.” Xander’s voice is beyond raspy, as though he hasn’t spoken a word in days. I clench my eyes shut against the sudden onslaught of tears when I realize the truth likely behind that thought.

  He rolls his damp forehead against mine, which causes our noses to rub together. Every innocent touch is amplified due to our unwelcome separation. Xander clutches the fabric of my shirt in his tight fists as he draws me desperately closer, until no space exists between us.

  Being held by Xander distracts me from all the pain our recent distant has caused. He’s here now and his hands grasping my hips feels so freaking great that my heart is pounding uncontrollably. His fingers dig deep into my skin and somehow drag me even closer. It appears Xander wants to fuse our bodies, which I eagerly reciprocate by clamping onto him with all my might.

  As we stand here, clutching onto one another like our lives depend on it, my lungs expand in a relieved sigh since I’ve never been happier. It dawns on me that no matter what, from this point forward, I will be by his side. The smile splitting my face is ridiculously huge but I could care less as I snuggle into Xander’s chest.

  With a deep inhale, I catch a whiff of something foul and cringe. The guilt slams into me all over again before I catch myself.

  “How are you here? How is this possible?” My mumble is tinged with desperate awe.

  What does it mean that Xander is at my house? His responding moan is a blend of relief and pain but either way he’s here with me.

  He shifts slightly to lay his jaw along the top of my head. “That is a long story, which I fully intend on telling. Can we go inside first? I’m fucking freezing and I can feel the panic rising out here.” He sounds so sad that it cracks my already battered heart even further.

  I’m already pulling him past the threshold as I utter, “Of course.” I stumble backward through the entrance hall toward the bathroom. Our slow shuffle ensures our bond doesn’t break as we near the door.

  “There’s so much to discuss but would it be alright if we shower? We can wash this horrendous week away and start fresh?” My suggestion seems to please Xander because he’s already lowering my pajama shorts as we step onto the tiles. A small laugh bubbles out of me at his obvious hurry. “Would you prefer to take a bath or just rinse off quick?” I nod my head in the direction of the humongous tub that takes up half the room.

  My question seems to yank Xander out of his haze and he halts our progress. He roughly scrubs a hand over his face on the way to lowering his hood. When his face comes into clear view, it takes all my control to stifle my gasp.

  Xander looks like he’s on the verge of collapsing. His eyes are painfully bloodshot and his lids are extremely swollen. The dark circles below are so pronounced, they look like bruises. Sweeping my gaze over the rest of his handsome face only proves how impacted he was by my absence. Xander looks wrung out and totally exhausted, like he’s running on fumes.

  He catches me staring but doesn’t shy away. He traces the bags under my eyes with a gentle fingertip before speaking. “Looks like we match, Wills.” My pulverized heart instantly soars as he connects our misery. It shouldn’t be sweet to have this in common, but it only proves how deep our connection runs.

  I’m sure he can see the hearts and stars in my eyes, which has him leaning down to place a delicate kiss across my chapped lips. I easily melt into him and quickly forget about getting clean in favor of absorbing his affection. Xander breaks away far too soon and I try to follow him to remain locked together.

  “You pretty much told me I reek so let’s take a fast shower, all right? Then we can . . . figure it out.” His pause leaves a lot open for interpretation and my imagination takes off with the wide range of possibilities.

  I’m nodding in approval as we begin undressing each other. When Xander lifts the hem of my shirt over my breasts, his dog tags come into view. The loud hitch in his breath signals his awareness before his fingers brush over the metal while lightly grazing my sensitive skin. His heated gaze lingers on my chest but he raises those gorgeous baby blues to my face when I clear my throat.

  “I’ll always be yours, X. Even if there are days we are apart, you’ll always be with me here.” I wrap my hand around his holding the tags over my heart to prove my point. “When I said I’d never take them off, I meant it. No matter what, remember?” My words are whispered but spoken with solid conviction that vibrates from my throat.

  He leans further into my space before uttering, “I love you so fucking much, Wills.”

  His lips descend upon mine for a brief but passionate kiss that expresses how intense our bond is through the electrical current passing between us.

  Xander cranks on the water after tossing my tank top to the floor. Based on the state of Xander’s clothes, I’m not sure they will ever be suitable to wear again so I gladly remove the stained material from his skin.

  We’re naked in record time and then clumsily fall under the hot stream. I start rubbing soap along every inch of Xander’s body before he returns the favor. We race through the motions in order to get the job done, only stealing a few sexually suggestive touches along the way.

  When we’ve deemed ourselves clean enough, Xander tenderly wraps a fluffy towel around my dripping form before hastily wiping himself dry. My teeth are chattering from the chill in the ai
r as I gaze at this amazing man standing beside me. I still can’t believe he’s here.

  I so better not be dreaming.

  Without a word, Xander scoops me into his arms before beginning his search for my bedroom. I give a helpful gesture in the correct direction and his long strides quickly bring us to the edge of my mattress. Xander glides me down his slippery skin while lowering my feet to the floor. Sparks dance along my flesh from the sensation as a shudder rolls through me.

  My palms flatten against his pecs and I get lost in his molten stare. “I’m so glad you’re here, X. I still don’t understand how but I am extremely grateful. I was really struggling and planned to drive to your house in the morning, just so you know. I’m fine with spending the rest of the night cradled in your arms but we’re going to talk about what happened soon. I bite my lower lip to trap the words I actually want to say. I desperately want answers but more than that I need to feel Xander’s body connect with mine. I crave the intimacy that making love provides but I won’t push it.

  Xander scoffs before shaking his head, sending droplets from his wet hair flying. “Don’t talk crazy, Willow. All I fucking need right now is to be buried inside you. Get your ass in bed so we can make up properly. Then we’ll talk.” He emphasizes his point with a sharp slap to my towel-clad butt. I don’t need to be told again.

  I hop onto the silky covers and scootch until I’m in the middle. I ease up onto my knees and beckon Xander closer with a crook of my pointer finger. He leaps at me, lacking any sort of grace, but the power behind his aggressive move boosts my raging arousal. He tries to take charge of the show but I push against his shoulders when he attempts to lay me down.