Dark Destroyer (De Wolfe Pack Book 6)

by Kathryn Le Veque

  Kathalin’s brow was furrowed as she listened, trying to process what he was saying. Being as naïve as she was, she didn’t immediately realize what he meant. “I do not understand,” she said. “You have thought women to be conquests?”

  “Aye.”

  “But… but how should you conquer them?”

  He just looked at her, hoping he didn’t truly have to explain that aspect to her, but he could see that she really had no idea what he meant. “As a lover, Kathalin,” he said. Then, he lowered his voice. “In their beds.”

  Realization finally dawned and Kathalin looked at him in both denial and shock. “I do not believe it,” she said. Then, more strongly: “I do not believe it! You are not a man who would do such things, de Wolfe. If you do not want to marry me, simply say so. You do not need to create some sordid reason behind your refusal. All you need do is tell me the truth!”

  “I am telling you the truth.”

  “You are making this worse!”

  He paused, mostly because she was becoming agitated and he didn’t want it to turn into a shouting match. The last thing he wanted to do was shout at her.

  “Unfortunately, every word is true,” he said, softening his tone so she would hopefully calm. “I have never wanted to marry, ever. At least, that was true until I met you. You are so fine and pure and beautiful, Kathi… you are everything a man could hope for in a wife. You are, to me, perfect, and I am so completely unworthy of you. My past would only bring you shame and sorrow, and I could not bear it. I could not do that to you. I adore you too much.”

  Kathalin calmed a good deal with his latest statement, starting to realize that he was, in fact, telling the truth. She could see it in his face. And with his last words… I adore you… her heart both swelled and shattered.

  “You adore me?” she whispered, stunned.

  He nodded with great sincerity. “I do,” he murmured. “Very much.”

  As he watched, her eyes instantly filled with a lake of tears, spilling over onto her pale cheeks. “Oh, Gates,” she breathed. “I adore you, too. I love you dearly. I cannot remember when I have not loved you. Except when I was hating you in the beginning, of course, but after that, I… I fell in love with everything about you.”

  They were both grinning by the time she finished her rambling statement and Gates couldn’t help it; he reached out and pulled her against him, hugging her so tightly that she grunted when he squeezed all of the air out of her lungs. But her soft warmth against him was the greatest thing he had ever known, emotional satisfaction that was greater than any physical satisfaction he had ever experienced.

  “My sweet girl,” he whispered against her hair. “I have never in my life heard words that have meant so much to me. You have made my entire life worth something.”

  Having never been held by a man before, Kathalin was at first shocked by the intimate embrace but, very quickly, it became the most astonishing and magnificent gesture she’d ever known. Her arms were around his torso tightly, holding him just as snuggly as he was holding her and she knew, at that moment, that she had no intention of letting the man go no matter what he said.

  He adored her… that was all she need know.

  “I do not care about your past,” she said, muffled, into his chest. “All I know is that I love you, Gates. Please marry me. The alternative is too terrible to bear.”

  Gates released her, gently, cupping her face in his big hands. He simply had to look at her, and touch her, stricken with grief and elation that she loved him as he loved her. It was tragedy beyond belief.

  “I cannot,” he confessed. “I will not. Kathi, I cannot bring such shame to you. Don’t you realize this? You must have an honorable husband with an honorable reputation. Off the battlefield, my reputation is less than stellar. You will be a laughing stock.”

  Kathalin, moved to tears by the feel of his hands on her face, shook her head. “I do not care,” she said, her voice tight. “Gates, will you swear to me that you will be true only to me forever? If you tell me this, I shall believe you, and nothing else matters.”

  Gates looked at her, considering the bigger implication of her words. In truth, there was nothing to consider. He loved her and he always would. For a man who had spent his entire life running from woman to woman, at this moment, he couldn’t ever imagine touching another woman as long as he lived. Kathalin was in his heart and soul and he would never be untrue to her. Ever.

  There was no question.

  “Married or not,” he said hoarsely, “I will always be true to you. I will never know another woman ever again, Kathalin. Not ever. It is you and only you, forever.”

  “Do you mean that?”

  “Upon my oath as a knight, I do.”

  Her tears spilled over and he swooped on them, kissing them away, tasting the salt upon his lips with the greatest of pleasure before very gently kissing her lips. Kathalin was uncertain at first but quickly warmed to him, responding to him in her first true kiss as if she had been kissing him her entire life. Nothing else had ever been so remarkable or so right. It was as if they were made for each other, kiss to kiss, heart to heart. When he finally pulled away from her, it was to gaze deeply into her eyes.

  “Only you,” he whispered. “I swear it.”

  Kathalin, overcome by his kiss and his words, swallowed hard. “Please,” she begged softly. “Marry me, Gates. I do not care about the past, only the future.”

  She was pleading with him, trying to break down his resolve, but he couldn’t let her. Gates had never known anything so painful in his entire life. His insides were eating themselves out, anguish over a situation he never thought to face. He opened his mouth to say something when he heard his name being called. Instantly recognizing Alexander’s voice, he shifted so that Kathalin was in front of him and he gently pushed her from the confined space between the buildings, emerging behind her at a respectable distance. He could see Alexander off to his right, evidently looking for him, but Alexander’s back was turned to them so Gates took Kathalin’s elbow politely and came up behind him.

  “I am here,” he said, watching Alexander whirl around to face him. “What is the matter?”

  Alexander was looking between Gates and Kathalin but he was mostly looking at Kathalin. “You disappeared,” he said, looking at the lady full-on. “Is everything well, my lady?”

  Kathalin kept her head down. “It is,” she said. “I am simply feeling… unwell.”

  Alexander looked at her with concern, noting that the direction she was running was a public privy. Then he realized what she meant. Or, at least he thought he did.

  “I see,” he said, clearing his throat to avoid saying something embarrassing regarding the lady’s pressing needs. “Mayhap we should find lodgings for the night so that the lady can rest.”

  Gates nodded. “An excellent idea,” he said. “There is an inn at the end of this boulevard called The Raven. I have stayed there before. Gather the men and we will head down there.”

  Alexander nodded, turning for the men, but not before he passed a lingering glance at Kathalin. Gates saw it and his displeasure with the man grew. His relationship with Alexander had always been close, friendly competition, and all that. It was a difficult concept to him that it might be changing and Kathalin was the cause of that change. He thought it rather ironic that a woman could come between them or, at least, cause him to view Alexander as something other than a friend. Ironic, indeed.

  In silence, he took Kathalin back to the area where they had left their horses at the mouth of the street and he helped her mount the small gray palfrey that he’d personally selected from the stables for her. He checked the cinch on the saddle, making sure it was secure, before handing her the reins. She made sure to brush his hand, just a little, and when he looked up at her, she was smiling faintly. He returned the gesture, just a little, and turned for his own steed.

  With a heavy heart, he mounted his horse, motioning his men forward and making sure to stay near Ka
thalin as they made their way up the street, towards the end of town where The Raven was situated. All the while, he was coming to wonder if he shouldn’t just run away with Kathalin and marry the woman, whisking her off to the north of England where he could serve his father and stay far away from de Lara. It seemed like a plan, in any case, unless one considered how dishonorable it was and what a bad light it would put Kathalin in.

  Nay, he couldn’t do it, as much as he wanted to. He’d done a lot of things in his life that he wasn’t proud of but to run away with de Lara’s daughter… it wouldn’t matter if he loved her or not. Any chance at reclaiming his honor as a man would be lost if he did it and he couldn’t bring that burden to bear on his own father, who would probably not understand. His father, Edward, was a wise and even-tempered man, grandson of Scott de Wolfe, who was the eldest son of the legendary William de Wolfe.

  Gates’ own grandmother, who knew Scott, said that Edward had Scott’s temperament, which was collected and in control. Gates possessed it, too, but if he were to bring home a woman he had married without permission, there was no telling how Edward would react. His actions would shame the de Wolfe family. It was difficult enough to live up to the reputation of such a family without him doing something as terrible as absconding with a woman.

  As the de Lara party approached The Raven, Gates began to think that he’d never had much of a chance to live up to the de Wolfe name. Maybe he’d felt pressure from the onset and, rebellious, fought against that name rather than try to honor it. Only in his personal life, of course, because as a knight he was every inch a de Wolfe. But as a man, and in his behavior towards women, there had been something left to be desired.

  Maybe in this one instance, he wouldn’t go with his sordid reputation. He loved Kathalin and wouldn’t dishonor her by stealing off with her. Maybe on this one occasion, somehow, he could actually be proud of his actions as a man. He would not shame the woman he loved.

  But he was quite certain the effort was going to kill him.

  Already, he felt dead.

  I will be true, only to you, forever….

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  ~ The Shadowed Heart ~

  Shrewsbury’s annual Snow Queen Festival was something of a paradox considering the heavy snow that had blanketed the land for months had, over the past few days, virtually melted away. Still, the villagers were eager to celebrate the ancient festival that was supposed to ensure spring would come early and as the sun set that evening in the west, people came out to the streets in droves.

  The Raven was packed to overflowing. As the sun set and the sky turned shades of purple and blue, the windows of the two-storied inn were open, as well as the front door, emitting light out into the busy, darkened streets. A man with a torch went up and down the street, lighting other torches on poles that would give more light to the gloom, and it was all quite festive as men and women danced and sang in the streets.

  Standing at the window of her rented room, Kathalin could see all of it below. Most people seemed to be wearing some kind of mask on their faces, most crudely fashioned but a few of them were actually quite lovely. Women had poles with flowing ribbons attached and they waved them about in a symbolic gesture of spring breezes, and men carried about small, wooden shields, ornamental only, and would ram them at each other when passing each other in the street, to great laughter.

  Kathalin had never seen anything like it. From the austere halls of St. Milburga’s to the party in the street in Shrewsbury, it was yet another reminder of what she had been missing outside of the old priory walls. She could smell food as vendors walked beneath her window, lauding their hot wine for sale or some kind of meat on a stick. She thought she might like to try the hot wine but she didn’t have any money and she would have to ask Gates to provide her with coin, but she didn’t want to bother him. In fact, after what had happened that afternoon, she wasn’t sure she wanted to speak with him at all.

  Thoughts of Gates brought thoughts of sadness. She didn’t understand his sense of honor, the confusing reasons he had given for not wanting to marry her. He swore that he would be true to her and only her, didn’t he? That was good enough for her. She didn’t care about a humiliating past but the truth was that she really didn’t grasp what he meant.

  She had no idea how deep his shame ran.

  Having lived such a sequestered life, she couldn’t imagine the reality of having a bastard child thrown in her face or perhaps the reality of a spurned lover making a scene. Having only been kissed by a man, once, and that had been earlier in the day, that was the only sexual thing she really understood. It was true that she knew the mechanics of coupling from fellow wards at St. Milburga’s who would gossip and giggle about such things, but other than that, she was completely naïve of the act. Of what it meant to couple with a man. Of what it meant to be man and wife.

  Nay, she didn’t understand much of it. But she wanted to learn of it from Gates and he refused to teach her.

  So she was left sad and ashamed, hating this new world that she was being forced to be a part of. Sighing heavily, she sat on the open windowsill, watching the people in the street below, seeing their joy and being envious of it. She wanted to know that joy, too. She didn’t understand how Gates could tell her that he adored her yet not want to give in to those feelings. She felt such anguish at his rejection that it was difficult to grasp it. Refusal that cut her to the bone. As she sat on the windowsill, her thoughts lingering on a future that was never meant to be, a soft rap at the door distracted her.

  “Come,” she said softly.

  The door opened and she didn’t even look to see who it was. Gates had said something when they’d arrived at the inn about sending a meal up to her so she assumed it was the servant bringing her food. But then she heard footsteps that sounded heavy, not like a servant’s shoes should have sounded, so she turned to see that Gates had entered the chamber. He smiled hesitantly and, with a painful heart, she quickly turned away.

  “What is it that you want, de Wolfe?” she asked.

  Gates could hear the sorrow in her tone. He’d been downstairs for the past three hours in the common room, pretending to be focused on other things when what he was really focused on was Kathalin. Having left off where they had earlier, when Alexander had interrupted them when Kathalin had been begging him to marry her, he knew he simply couldn’t leave it like that. He knew he had to speak with her privately again, to reason with her, and hope she could understand his point of view. He’d waited all of that time for Alexander to decided he was bored sitting in the common room of a tavern when there was a party going on outside. As soon as Alexander had left for the streets, Gates had headed upstairs.

  Now, he was face to face with Kathalin, hoping to continue their earlier conversation but from her question to him, she didn’t sound as if she was willing to discuss it. He took a deep breath before answering.

  “I came to see if you would like to go down into the streets and join the party,” he said. “Alexander is already out there, somewhere, so I thought you might like to experience the madness.”

  Kathalin shook her head. “Nay,” she said. “I will watch it from here.”

  Gates had expected that answer. He moved over to stand on the other side of the windowsill, watching her as she looked to the crowd below. “Alexander wanted to escort you to the festival, you know,” he said. “I told him to go alone and that no one but me would escort you. Now, do you still wish to stay here and watch from above?”

  She nodded, feeling her heart twist with anguish. “I do,” she said, feeling the sting of tears. “I do not wish to go anywhere with you.”

  Gates sighed sadly. “Kathi,” he started. “You and I must come to an understanding. I realize you are hurt, sweetheart. I am hurt, too. I just wish you would understand that I never meant to hurt you, in any fashion. I swore to you that I would be true to you and only you, forever. That should give you some comfort.”

  She whirled to him, eyes blazing.
“Comfort?” she repeated, appalled. “Why should it? I love a man who will not marry me. Instead, he will willingly see me married to another. Why should anything you say give me comfort?”

  His jaw ticked. “I wish I could make you understand,” he said quietly. “What I do, I do for you. I do it to protect you. I do it so you will not be married to a man who will bring you shame. Why can you not comprehend that?”

  Frustrated, grieved, Kathalin turned around and put her hands to her ears. “Because I cannot,” she hissed. “You told me that you adore me. You know that I adore you. I do not understand why love cannot overcome everything you are afraid of. You are a coward, Gates, a coward! You will not fight for what you love!”

  It was difficult for him to hear those words from her mouth. “I can understand how you would see it that way,” he said as his anguish mounted. “But it is not….”

  She came out of the windowsill. “It is the truth,” she cut him off. “You are a coward, afraid to stand up to your past. Instead, are willing to forsake me so that you may hide from it, bury it, and not suffer the consequences. You say that you will not marry me because you want to protect me. Well, I do not believe you. You do not wish to marry me because you do not love me enough to overcome your fear of the past.”

  He wasn’t going to argue with her. She didn’t understand. He couldn’t make her understand. All he knew was that he was feeling more turmoil than he ever had in his life, now with his bravery taking a hit. Was it possible that she was correct in some ways? Was it possible that he wasn’t brave enough to overcome his past, by accepting how he’d lived and now unwilling to face it? He didn’t really know. All he knew was that her words hurt him, this pure and fine and beautiful woman that he so admired.

  This woman he could never have.