Wanting You

by Ryan Michele

  Sitting down, my hands began to sweat. I knew I should be mad at him for leaving us, but I couldn’t help in that moment feel like a little girl who just wanted her daddy. I tried pulling my big girl panties on, but they were becoming harder to yank up.

  “Savannah. I know you have questions. Ask. Please.”

  I sat there dumbfounded. There were so many times that I wanted to say and ask everything under the sun, but in that moment, nothing would come from my mouth.

  “It’s okay, Savannah. Maybe I should just talk.” I nodded, not wanting the anger to destroy everything before it started.

  “You’re mom and I had problems. Lots of problems that I tried to shield you from. Your mom liked to drink. A Lot.” I gasped in shock. I had always thought Mom started drinking ‘cause Dad left. “I’m guessing you know she drinks and thought it was because I left.” I nodded at this. I was there and heard the fights even when they were behind closed doors.

  Dad continued, “Sorry, but no. She started drinking while you were little, but she was a pretty functional drunk. She was able to attend everything you had and even have supper on the table, even if she didn’t eat with us.”

  Recalling that time in my life was difficult. I tried blocking it out a long time ago. “I remember she always said she needed to go upstairs.”

  “Yes, and drink.” Blowing out an exasperated breath, he continued, “Savannah, I know I did things wrong. I should have never gotten involved with Julie while I was still married, but it happened. The part I’m so sorry about is you.”

  Looking up at Dad’s face, I could see the light sheen of tears threatening to release from his eyes. “Everything changed after you left.”

  “I tried to get you away from her, but she wouldn’t listen to me.” Dad sniffed his nose, wiping it with the back of his hand.

  “Why didn’t you just talk to me? I was in high school. It’s not like I was Sydney’s age or something.”

  “That was another one of my mistakes. I’m so sorry.”

  “I couldn’t believe you just left us. Left me.” Hurt poured through my words.

  “I should have called, but I had already caused your mom so much hurt, I didn’t want to add to it.”

  “But you forgot about me.” The tears I didn’t want to show were begging to make their appearance. I ducked my head to shield my face, not wanting him to see it.

  “No, I never forgot about you. I went to every school function you had until your mom left with you.”

  “I didn’t want to go with her.” Reliving that pain was too much to bear.

  “I found out from Grams at the supermarket that Annabelle took you to California. I’m so sorry.”

  “It was bad there, Dad. Really bad.”

  “I tried calling, but your mom wouldn’t let me talk to you. I thought about coming to California and getting you, but I didn’t think it would go well. But you got through it. You even got an education.”

  “I had to get lots of scholarships.”

  “I’m sorry. If I’d have known, I would have helped.” Looking into Dad’s eyes, I believed him.

  “Don’t be sorry. I earned them, just like I earned my degree. I am very proud of both of them.”

  “As you should. I’m proud of you, too.” Relief washed over me, as I’d been waiting for those words from him for so long.

  “Thanks … I was so mad at you.”

  “You should have been. You still should be. I’m actually a bit surprised that you’re not yelling at me.”

  “I thought I would be, too.” I chuckled. “I just can’t seem to do it.”

  “You know I love you.”

  I stared at my dad. It had been so long that I yearned to hear those words from him. I felt the tears splashing down to my hands, as they lay crossed in my lap. Dad’s large arms engulfed me, where I began to soak his shirt, letting the years of hurt out of my body.

  I didn’t say the words back, I just couldn’t. I wasn’t ready to concede to it yet. As Dad released me, I instantly wanted to go back in his arms. For him to make everything better just like he did when I was a kid. Then I thought of what I actually did for a living. How would he feel knowing his daughter wrote smutty books? I hoped he’d be proud, but I couldn’t risk it.

  “Savannah. You need to be careful out there. You are a beautiful woman, and if this guy out there is trying to get his hands on you, I need you to stay with someone all the time.” Dad’s concern touched me deeply.

  “I know.”

  “Then why did you drive here by yourself?” he accused.

  “I needed to. Deke argued with me and followed me. He didn’t give me a choice.”

  “I’m leery of Deke.”

  “Please don’t. I care a lot about him. I won’t hear anything bad said about him.”

  “Understood. Come on. That’s enough for one night. Let’s go have dessert.”

  Dad led me down to the living room where Julie and Sydney were playing Barbies on the floor. “Savannah! I thought you left!”

  “I tried to convince her that you were just talking to Dad, even showed her your car was still here, but she didn’t believe me.” Julie’s bright smile was contagious.

  “Well, I’m here. Which one am I?” I asked, kneeling down beside her as she handed me this really cool Barbie with tattoos! Really, a Barbie with tattoos! I couldn’t help but feel excited about it.

  As we played on the floor, Julie brought out strawberry shortcake for us all to eat. “I’m really sorry that Jake couldn’t be here. He really wanted to meet you.”

  “Who’s Jake?” Over all the years, I had never heard that name before.

  “My son. He’s about your age, but he said he didn’t feel well. I really wanted you two to meet.” Julie grinned. I sat there, shocked, not realizing dad left us going into another family. I had no clue she had a son.

  “You looked shocked, Savannah,” Dad said.

  “I kinda am. I didn’t know you had a son, Julie.”

  Julie turned. “From my first marriage.”

  “Were you married when you and Dad got together?” When the words left my mouth, I immediately wanted to take them back. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.” Turning my head, I focused on the Barbie in it.

  “No. It’s okay. No. I wasn’t married when your father and I got together. I had been divorced for about five years before that,” Julie answered.

  “I know it’s a lot for you to take in. I just want to be part of your life again.” My dad cut through the fog of the stirring thoughts racing through my head.

  “I’d like that too, Dad.” I never thought I would … ever, but realizing now I wanted it more than ever. I wanted to be part of Sydney’s life.

  “So, have you been sending out your writing to the papers around here?” Dad questioned.

  Talk about change of subject. “No, but that’s a good idea.”

  “Where are you looking then?”

  Dad’s questions were getting harder to evade. “I’m just taking it easy right now. I have some money saved up from previous jobs in California so I’m fine.” I felt my heart rate pick up. I hated lying, but knew I had to keep my shit together. I tried breathing slowly to calm myself.

  “You really need to be thinking about a job. Your savings will go fast.”

  Little did Dad know, I had enough in savings to live off for years. “Don’t worry. I really should be going. Thank you so much for dinner and for having me over.”

  Julie stood. “Savannah, you are welcome here anytime. You never have to call, just come. And if you want to stay here, you are more than welcome.”

  “Thanks, Julie.”

  “No! I don’t want you to go!” Sydney cried.

  “I have to, but I tell you what. If Mommy and Daddy say it’s okay, maybe you and I could do something together sometime.”

  “Sure. Here though. Just ‘til we figure out who this guy is.” Dad’s concern was admirable.

  I couldn’t help but smile
. “Of course.”

  Leaving the house, I actually felt relieved. I could breathe again. Not that being with them was horrible, but I just had so many pent up feelings that I’d held in for so long, and feeling them in such a short amount of time took a lot out of me.

  The night was quiet with the moon’s light shining down beautifully. The stars were bright as they lit up the sky.

  Getting in the car, the hair on the back of my neck stood as if electricity was flowing through me. Looking around, I didn’t see anyone except Dad waving from the door, but felt this eerie sense like someone was watching me from the shadows. Shaking it off, I locked the doors, needing Deke and a drink. Before leaving, I texted Deke and told him I was on my way.

  Cranking the radio, Miranda was singing about revenge and lost love. My thoughts drifted to Deke and how wonderful he’d been since that maniac tried to hurt me. His small touches, his kisses, and words had been everything I’d ever dreamed of. I’d wanted him for so long, I couldn’t believe it was actually happening.

  While I loved Miranda, I couldn’t help but feel nothing of lost love … I was so in love with this man it physically hurt. It hurt that I wasn’t near him. I needed to be with him. A smile etched on my face just thinking of him and made my cheeks throb.

  Bam … My head was thrown forward, hitting my forehead on the steering wheel as my jeep was slammed into from behind. With tears in my eyes from the hit, panic raced through me and made it difficult to breathe. Searching in the rearview mirror, two bright headlights were shining coming closer and closer.

  Bam … Another slam of my car. Fear touched every part of my body as I gripped the steering wheel tight. I searched for somewhere to pull in with people. I needed to get away from whoever this was immediately and get help.

  Searching, there was nothing but trees lining the road with a few dusty turn offs. Trying desperately to keep my panic in check, I reminded myself I needed to stay in as much control as I could muster.

  Bam … The hard hit caused the car to begin to spin. Turning the wheel, I tried like hell to regain control of the car.

  Bam … It felt as if I was rolling in the air as the wind whipped all around me. A loud crash … My head slammed against something hard, and the lights went out.

  The walls of my office were beginning to close in on me. For hours, I’d sat here like some pussy whipped little boy waiting for Vann to call or text me. So far, nothing. She was supposed to call as soon as she left her dad’s, but that had yet to happen.

  I’d texted her only twice, because I was such a patient person … yeah right. But nothing back. I’d half a mind to hightail my ass out of here and go to her dad’s and check on her.

  It seems as though that was what it’d always been. Me chasing after Vann. In high school she was a total bookworm, keeping to herself and mostly hanging out with Kinsley and Sawyer. Not much there had changed. I felt the smile play on my lips at the memory.

  Seeing Vann across the library, I couldn’t help but feel that pull toward her that’d happened for the past few years every time I set eyes on her. Not that either of us did anything about it. When we were small, our parents hung out quite a bit, but shit happened and those days were long gone now. I missed hanging out with her, even if our families were around.

  It surprised me that she was actually really fun to talk to. We’d laughed, played around with Jaxson, and just had fun. It was so nice to let loose and be with her. Then the beginning of my freshman year, my folks began to have some issues. All I heard was a shitload of fighting, so I kept Jaxson away and took him pretty much everywhere with me.

  Even though Jaxson was two years younger than me, I loved hanging out with him. He was totally mischievous and played way too many pranks, and being the loving brother that I was, I played them right back.

  On the night Jaxson died, which would have been the end of my junior year, my parents were beyond consolable. Besides the yelling and hateful words that spewed out of their mouths to me, they didn’t talk to me, completely ignoring me ... which went on for weeks. But that night I needed someone. Images of Vann sitting at the picnic table listening to me rant about baseball and soccer popped into my head. Vann popped into my head.

  I just knew she would listen to me, because at that moment, that was all I wanted. I needed someone to be there even if I didn’t know how or what my body was going through. I knew I needed to be with someone.

  The sound of my cell going off with a call and a text pulled me from my memories. Thinking it was Vann I excitedly turned over the phone. Disappointment hit when Z’s name popped up on the caller ID.

  “What’s up?”

  “Get out to Koerner Road now!” Z yelled into the phone, totally out of breath like he’d just ran a marathon.

  “What’s going on?” I clipped.

  “Vann! Her car’s in the ditch. There’s lots of blood … and …” he trailed off.

  “What?” I barked as I leaped out of the chair causing it to fall to the ground with a loud crash.

  Z’s voice quivered. “She’s not here. She’s nowhere.”

  “What the fuck do you mean?” I raced as fast as I could to my truck, pushing my way through the throngs of people.

  “Like I said, she’s nowhere. There’s a trail of blood, and it just stops. Someone took her.” His voice was barely audible.

  Dread coursed through my veins, turning them to ice, but I didn’t let it still me. I instantly went into cop mode. “Are there tracks?”

  “Yeah. Truck tires that appeared to be covered in mud since they left us something to go on.” Z’s voice turned from melancholy to factual in a flash. It was the way I needed him if we were going to find Vann.

  “Anyone see it?”

  “Not that I’ve found yet.”

  “Damn it. Who’s there on scene?” I would be going full cop mode as soon as my damn truck would get me there.

  “Tebbin, Mason, and Fly right now. But more are on the way.”

  Throwing my phone across the dash didn’t help the pain go away. If she would have just fucking listened to me and let me come with her to see her dad, but no. She had to be independent and stubborn as shit. But that was what I loved about her.

  Yeah. I loved her. I always had; no one ever compared to her so I never tried. No reason to. When she left my life, she took my heart with her. And I’d be damned if this asshole was gonna hurt her now that I finally got her back.

  Pulling onto Koerner Road, I couldn’t help but want answers, not unlike every other time I pulled up to an accident. In this case I was grateful for them because knowing it was Vann was tearing my shit up.

  Three cars were parked in the middle of the street with their lights rapidly flashing. Pulling up, I instantly saw Vann’s jeep. I stopped dead in my tracks. Her jeep looked as if it was part of the demolition derby and didn’t fare so well. The top was smashed in. The side walls were busted in and one side looked to be completely ripped off. The back of it was smashed almost all the way to the front as if someone had hit her from the back end repeatedly.

  If I had to guess, she got rear-ended and clipped causing her jeep to flip a few times before it landed in the ditch. My feet began to move, but at a much slower pace than I normally would, maybe the cop side wasn’t coming out as much as I thought. I needed to look inside the vehicle.

  “Whoa. There.” Z tried to stop me, but I ignored him, and continued plowing through him like a linebacker. “Deke. Stop!”

  “Fuck you!” I barked back almost making it there when Z stood before me with his arms crossed. “Move.” I pushed.

  “Deke. Just be warned, there’s a lot of blood. We think he took her.”

  I whirled around, getting right in his face, nose to nose. “What the fuck do you mean ‘think’?”

  “Damn it, Deke. Calm down.”

  Grabbing the front of his shirt, I growled, “I will not calm down.”

  “Stop this shit. The other guys see you, they’ll arrest you first and ask ques
tions later.” His eyebrow shot up. It didn’t even register that he was in uniform.

  I let go of him, wanting so badly to push his ass down, but refrained. “I’m good.”

  “Sure you are.” Z smoothed the front of his vest.

  I quickly made my way to the jeep, looking for anything and everything I could come up with to help me find her. No cell phone, no purse. The car was a heaping pile of mangled metal and inside showed no signs of her putting up a fight. Making my way to the tire prints, they looked to be from a larger truck like mine as they were set pretty wide. But they could have also been some type of large SUV. I’d have to wait until forensics ran them through their system.

  The woods. I headed off toward the woods; maybe she got away and was waiting there.

  “Wait!” I didn’t stop when I heard Tebbin calling my name. I wasn’t in the mood for his shit right now. “Damn it, wait!” Tebbin’s boots pounded the ground beside me, but I didn’t stop. “Here.”

  Looking at the light being handed to me, I quickly said, “Thanks,” and took off. After two hours of searching these woods, I came up with nothing. My feet and body felt numb. I knew I was moving, but barely felt my body go. I really didn’t think she was ever in the woods. Whoever got her took her somewhere far away from here.

  “I’ve got Fly going back to the station to run a trace on her phone. If it’s still on, we may have a chance.”

  Dread and fear came back tenfold as my stomach twisted in knots. If it wasn’t on … we had nothing to go on but a couple of tire tracks.

  Voices—no—a voice. The muffled, masculine sound came from a distance as if someone was speaking through a door or wall. The voice was low and gravelly, but not in a sexy way and not one that I recognized. I tried focusing on the words being said, but the pain surging through my head was blinding.

  Speaking of blinding, how come I couldn’t open my eyes? Opening them is challenging, but something dark was covering them with only a small slither of light coming through the bottom. I tried to move, but my arms and legs were restrained, maybe tied to the chair I was sitting on.