The Memory of You

by Laurie Kellogg

  “She will if she really loves you,” Leonard insisted. “Your pal can still be little Sara’s dad the same way divorced fathers share custody. And you’ll be her stepfather.”

  “Exactly.” Matt agreed. “That’s what I told Abby about my relationship with Tommy.” He smiled at his son who knelt on his chair to reach for a dinner roll from the middle of the table.

  “Being Sara’s stepdad is a whole other problem. I’m not sure I can love another man’s child.”

  “Trust me, you can.” Matt reassured him, still awed by how slight the difference was in his feelings for Royce and Tommy.

  The pain on Ben’s face twisted Matt’s stomach into every knot in the Boy Scout handbook. Maybe he was lucky he didn’t remember loving Abby.

  “What about you, Len?” he asked, buttering the warm roll for his son.

  “Other than having trouble nailing down a job, things are okay.”

  “Can you believe how much the prices have gone up?” Ben asked, helping himself to another serving of green bean casserole. “The cost of living has nearly doubled since ’66.”

  “The change has been good for me,” Leonard said. “I’m amazed at the difference in the racial climate.”

  “Incredible isn’t it?” Matt took a sip of his ice water. “I think Archie Bunker’s doing a great job making society see how ridiculous their bigotry is.”

  “You’re right,” Leonard mumbled past a bite of the juicy rib roast. “I can’t tell you how happy I am to see a show like Sanford and Son getting such great ratings.”

  “This dinner is incredible,” Ben groaned as he bit into another dinner roll. “Make sure you thank Abby for us.”

  “Absolutely,” Leonard agreed.

  “Have either of you heard from Steve Johnson?” Matt asked about one of their other POW friends. “Do you know what happened with his girlfriend, Kathy?”

  Ben shook his head. “Also not good. He went to see her and found out she was married and pregnant.”

  While cleaning up from dinner, Matt told them about Tommy’s talent on the piano and suggested he play for his friends.

  His son pouted and shook his head. “I don’t wanna.”

  “Okay, Buddy.” Matt patted his shoulder. “You don’t have to.”

  As soon as they sat down to have the coffee Abby brewed and a second helping of the homemade carrot cake she’d defrosted, strains from the piano drifted in to them.

  Ben poured some milk into his steaming mug. “I guess the poor kid had stage fright. He’s pretty quiet for a six-year-old.”

  “Only around you guys. Usually, he’s chattering away. Abby told me he’s always been a little shy.”

  “Obviously not with you.” Leonard laughed.

  In the next two hours, they talked about how much the world had changed while they’d been gone. Then at eight-thirty, Matt left Ben and Leonard watching TV while he read Tommy a story and tucked him into bed. He rejoined his friends in the living room, prepared for the barrage of questions that couldn’t be answered with Tommy around.

  “Okay. Ben flipped off the television. “No one is here now except us. What the fuck is going on?”

  Matt sank onto the sofa and explained everything that had transpired since his return to the States. When he told his friends about the situation with Royce, Leonard shoved his shoulder. “What’s the matter with you? Didn’t you have enough problems right here? You had to go next door to borrow more?”

  “I didn’t have a choice. I was crazy about the kid before I even knew he wasn’t mine.”

  “So what are you gonna do about the situation here?” Ben asked.

  “I don’t know.” Matt shook his head. “Get a job, support my son. And hope Abby realizes she shouldn’t marry Rob so we have more time to see if things can work between us. If we’re going to stay together, she has to love Mac not Matt. I want her to dump Rob because she wants the man I am now.”

  Leonard laughed. “I’m surprised she hasn’t already ditched the jackass.”

  “Rob really isn’t that bad a guy. He seems to really love Abby. I’d probably even like him if he weren’t a good-looking jackass with a Mercedes and a successful dental practice. He can give my wife everything I can’t.”

  “Yeah, but how’s the jackass in the sack?” Ben asked—naturally.

  “Well, that’s part of my problem. I think my marriage might have been based more on lust than love. I don’t want her to stay with me just because things sizzle between us.”

  Ben arched an eyebrow at him. “I know a lot of guys who’d sell their own mothers for a little lust in their marriage.”

  “Hey, I may have been happy with that when we got married, but I hope I’m smarter now. I’m not saying the bedroom isn’t important. But when times get tough, a guy needs more than just mind-boggling sex to stay in a marriage.”

  ~~~

  Robert silently steered the Mercedes away from the concert hall.

  “I really enjoyed that.” Abby smiled at him. “Please thank the patient who gave you the tickets.”

  He simply nodded, his face a mask of stone.

  “What’s wrong, Rob? You haven’t said two words since the concert ended.”

  “I’ll tell you what’s wrong. I’m marrying you in less than a month, and you’ve just agreed to allow some homeless bastard you barely know to become your son’s dad. How could you do something like that?”

  “How? Here’s an even better question. How could you spend a year and a half romancing me and not one day befriending my child? Admit it. Mac will be twice the dad to Tommy that you would be.”

  “Yeah, he’s a regular Ward Cleaver,” Rob muttered and then tossed up one hand. “Okay. So I confess—part of the reason we’re suited to each other is because you don’t expect me to have a family with you. But that doesn’t mean I won’t be a good stepfather.”

  “And you still will be. But my son needs more than just someone to discipline him and provide for his physical needs. I accept you’re not crazy about kids. If you wanted them, you wouldn’t want me. Don’t you see? A dad isn’t a friend. Mac is willing to step into a role that you don’t want and let you off the hook.”

  “I still don’t like it.”

  “Well, frankly, I don’t give a damn if you like it or not.”

  “You don’t know a thing about him. For all you know he could be a con artist. Have you thought about that?”

  She heaved a deep sigh. Rob was right to be concerned. “Yes, I’ve considered it. But there comes a point when you simply have to trust a person. And I haven’t seen any reason not to. He’s honest and conscientious. And he’s wonderful to Tommy.”

  It was herself she couldn’t trust.

  “Well, my gut says he’s up to something.” Rob braked for a traffic signal.

  “You don’t like children, so you can’t understand a man who does. I believe Mac genuinely loves my son. And my child needs a father who truly cares for him. If Mac and I were divorced, would you have a problem with him being Tommy’s father?”

  “Ex-spouses are always a problem. And yours is dead. So it seems pretty stupid to go looking for trouble we don’t have. Maybe I wouldn’t care if I didn’t know Mac wants you along with your son. Isn’t it possible his fascination with your kid is just an act to get you to fall for him?”

  “No way. I realize Mac wants to sleep with me, but after all those years as a POW, he’d be attracted to a bearded nun.”

  “Look.” Rob held up one hand. “Let’s drop this discussion for tonight. I refuse to let Mr. Cleaver ruin something I’ve been waiting so long for. Just don’t think I’ve surrendered here. This dispute is far from over.”

  “That’s what you think. I’m not changing my mind. Mac is my son’s dad, now.”

  He slid his arm around her shoulders and kissed her. “Arguing isn’t exactly my idea of foreplay. So if you’re going to continue this debate, at least talk dirty to me while we argue.”

  The closer they got to the house, t
he more nervous Abby became. She hadn’t had sex in forever. And when she had, it’d only been for two weeks. After making love with Matt the first time, she hadn’t been able to wait to repeat the experience.

  She squeezed her eyes shut, remembering the beautiful days and nights they’d spent in bed between his advanced training and the morning he’d left for overseas.

  If she didn’t feel something more for Rob once they became lovers, she didn’t know what she’d do.

  ~~~

  When Abby arrived home, the kitchen was immaculate, and the guestroom door was closed, indicating Mac must have already gone to bed. She took her time checking on Tommy, and then rejoined Rob in the kitchen. “Would you like a little something to eat or drink before we go to sleep? I could whip us up an omelet.”

  “A little something?” Robert chuckled. “A little Abby is all I’m interested in having.” He led her into the living room and pulled her down onto the same couch Mac had tumbled her onto earlier that evening.

  Rob nibbled his way down her throat and kissed a path across her bare shoulders, murmuring, “I love this dress. Your skin is so soft.”

  He pulled her closer and molded her body to his. She let out a sigh. If only his kisses felt more than merely pleasant. She ran her hands over his shoulders, picturing the raised lines on Mac’s back.

  Didn’t it mean something that she couldn’t stop thinking of another man while Rob was trying to make love to her?

  He covered her mouth with his while he caressed her. The more aroused Rob became the less passion Abby felt. Where was the all-consuming ache she got with Mac? And why didn’t her whole body shiver and tingle when Rob kissed her?

  After several moments he pulled back and muttered, “What the hell’s wrong?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “What I mean is what am I doing wrong? Before this, I knew you still felt you’d be betraying Matt. But you’ve accepted he’s dead. I’m knocking myself out, trying to get you excited, and I’m getting no response. Trying to arouse you is like trying to ignite concrete.”

  Abby buried her face in his chest. “I’m sorry. It’s not your fault. It’s me. This is why I hesitated about accepting your proposal. I just don’t feel anything.”

  “So then why’d you say yes?”

  “Because I care for you.” She wiped her eyes. “You told me it would be over, otherwise. I’m just so lonely. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life by myself.”

  “Look, I don’t simply want a warm body. I want you to enjoy me as much as I do you.”

  She cupped his cheek. “Rob, I would’ve slept with you a long time ago if I’d gotten turned on. Please don’t think it’s you.”

  “What else am I to think?” He was quiet for a moment and then asked, “What about your husband? Did he excite you?”

  If she admitted the blistering lovemaking she and Matt shared, it would devastate Rob. “Yes, but none of the fellows I dated before you ever made me feel anything, either. I think I still love Matt too much.”

  “I don’t buy that. I think someone else can get your motor running. I want the truth. This morning when lover boy kissed you, did you get turned on then?”

  Abby turned her face away, swiping at her tears.

  “I knew it! I could tell he’d kissed you just from the expression on your face. You were all flushed, and you had that glazed look I’ve been trying desperately to put in your eyes. Admit it. The house painter turns you on.”

  “Yes!” She spun back toward Rob, and the lump in her throat reduced her voice to a whisper. “Maybe even more than Matt did. I don’t know if it’s because I’m older or because I haven’t made love with anyone in forever. Whatever the reason, Mac makes me feel wonderful!”

  Robert’s mouth tightened. “I can’t believe I’m asking this, but what the hell are you doing here with me? Why aren’t you in the bedroom making love with him?”

  “I told you, earlier. Mac only wants to sleep with me. He doesn’t want to marry me.”

  Rob cupped her face in his palm. “As much as I may not excite you, Abby, you definitely turn me on. But I don’t want to have to use a blowtorch to get my wife hot.”

  Smearing the tears across her cheeks, she slid her ring off and handed it to him. “I’m so sorry. Believe me—I want to feel something with you. I’ve really tried. I don’t know why it’s different with Mac.” She sniffled softly. “No, wait. I think I do know why. Mac has been through everything I always imagined Matt could be experiencing. It makes me feel almost as if I have a tiny piece of him back.”

  “Then I guess you were right. You still love your husband too much.” Robert tossed the ring back at her. “Keep it. I don’t need any reminders.” He cocked an eyebrow. “What makes you so sure Mac doesn’t want something permanent? If he’s willing to make a commitment to your child, don’t you think that says something?”

  “Sure. It says he loves my son. It doesn’t say a thing about what he feels for me.”

  Rob stood and pulled on his jacket. “I can’t believe I’m doing this. For a year and a half, I’ve waited to get you into bed. And, now, I’m going home to get plastered, again.” He waved toward the hall. “Do yourself a favor and go sleep with Mac. You’ll either get him out of your system, or the two of you will find out you can’t live without each other.”

  “There’s a third possibility.” Her throat tightened, choking her voice into a hoarse rasp. “I could fall in love with Mac, and he could walk away. I can’t give him children, Rob. Look at the way he is with Tommy and Royce. He’ll want babies of his own.”

  “There’s always adoption.”

  “Right.” She snorted. “Mac’s flat broke and aching to have half a dozen kids. Why would he want the expense of adoption or be willing to wait as long as it takes—especially at his age? Besides, do you really think he’d qualify or pass a psych evaluation with his amnesia and what he’s been through?”

  “I didn’t think of that.”

  “It’s part of the reason I agreed to marry you. You don’t think any less of me as a woman because I can’t have children.”

  Rob tipped her chin up. “Look at it this way, Honey. If you take a chance with Mac, at least you can’t end up any worse off.”

  “Yes, I can. Right now, my heart’s still in one piece.”

  Chapter 13

  Matt coated the edges of two cherry boards with glue and clamped them together, trying not to listen to the muffled voices coming through the floor and echoing in the ductwork.

  He just couldn’t win. When Ben and Leonard left at eleven, he’d shut his bedroom door so Abby and Rob wouldn’t know he was still up. He figured if he worked in the basement until long after they were in bed, maybe he wouldn’t hear them.

  Apparently, Rob must have been just as hesitant about making love to Abby with Matt in the next room and had headed for the living room instead.

  Matt could handle knowing his wife had sex with the man in the past, but being aware of it while it was happening was a whole different ballgame. He had the right to put the kibosh on their relationship. But it would mean exposing his identity.

  When the house grew quiet, Matt squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the image of Robert kissing Abby....feeling her soft bottom through her silky panties....tasting her luscious nipples.

  Finally, he couldn’t take it a moment longer and threw down the rag he’d been using. He couldn’t let this happen. He had to tell her who he was.

  As he headed for the stairs, the talking began again, and he froze. Either they were extremely vocal in their lovemaking, or Rob had the same technique in bed as he did in his dental chair—numb them up and get it done.

  As hard as Matt tried not to listen, their voices rose occasionally, leaving isolated words and phrases filtering down to him with distinct clarity. After several moments of barely audible discourse, Robert’s voice suddenly boomed loud and clear. “Trying to arouse you is like trying to ignite concrete.”

  Matt
’s hands curled into fists at the sound of Abby’s sobbing. How could the bastard say something like that to such a responsive woman? Rob really must leave her numb. There was no other explanation.

  More muffled words drifted through the floor and then Rob raised his voice again, “Admit it. The house painter turns you on.”

  Abby’s voice sliced through the house as clearly as if she stood right next to Matt. “Yes!”

  That settled the question as to who they were discussing. She said something indistinguishable and then exclaimed, “Mac makes me feel wonderful!”

  “What the hell are you doing here with me?” Rob’s words were muted again for a moment, and then he declared, “But I don’t want to have to use a blowtorch to get my wife hot.”

  Several minutes of conversation followed in a hushed tone, ending with Robert suggesting louder, “Do yourself a favor and go sleep with Mac.”

  Matt had told Ben that Rob wasn’t that bad a guy. If the dentist could convince Abby to climb into Matt’s bed, he would nominate Rob for the Man of the Year award.

  A smile tugged at Matt’s mouth when heavy footsteps tramped across the floor and a few seconds later the back door opened and closed.

  Maybe he’d gotten the time he’d been praying for.

  Once Abby’s lighter step moved down the hall to her room, Matt crept upstairs and slipped into his bed. Soft sobs drifted through the darkness, tearing at his heart. He ached to go in and comfort her, but if he did, Abby would know he’d overheard.

  Just when he reached the point of saying screw it and going to her, his bedroom door swung open and her slender shadow filled the opening. The mattress shifted, and Abby’s warm body snuggled up to him. Amazed, he pulled her closer and rubbed his face in her hair.

  Rob could start writing his acceptance speech.

  Stroking her shuddering back, Matt wrestled with his libido while her tears dampened his chest. His body screamed for him to bury himself inside her softness. But deep in his heart, he knew that wasn’t why she’d come to him.