by Erin Noelle
“What I want right now is some time by myself. I need to cool off and time to think. I’ll call you later.” She picked up her purse and keys off of my bed and stomped out of the room. I desperately wanted to call after her, to chase after her and beg her not to leave, but I didn’t. I let her walk out the door, hoping and praying that it wasn’t for good . . . hoping and praying she wouldn’t run to his arms again.
SCARLETT
Anger didn’t even begin to cover the emotion that was coursing through my veins. Rage . . . fury . . . disappointment . . . irritation . . . outrage. I couldn’t stop shaking as I escaped Ash’s house and got into my car. I was so overwhelmed with everything that I had just found out, I couldn’t even cry. It was almost as if I was feeling so much, that I just went numb, like a defense mechanism so that I didn’t have a complete mental breakdown.
I needed someone to talk to badly. I couldn’t talk to Mase about this; he didn’t need any of my issues to stress about especially on his first day home with a new roommate. I could go home and talk to Max, but I felt like all I did was cry about my life to him. Plus, if I found out that he knew about what Ash had done, I was going to be livid with him as well. I tried calling Mina, but she didn’t answer; she was probably out with Noah somewhere, as she usually was. I really needed my Evie in that moment. I missed her all the time, but I really fucking needed her right then.
I drove straight to the cemetery; it was where I had to go, the only place that I felt I could find some solace. I parked my car not far from her gravesite and grabbed my jacket out of the backseat. The sun was disappearing into the horizon and the frigid February night was setting in rapidly. It had only been a couple of months since I had been there at the one year anniversary of her death, but so much had happened in that short amount of time. I trudged my way over to her headstone and knelt down in front of it. The ground was frozen and the wetness of the soil quickly soaked through the knees of my jeans, but I barely noticed.
EVELYN ROSE STEWART
April 27, 1993—December 10, 2012
And if you were with me tonight
I’d sing to you just one more time
A song for a heart so big
God wouldn’t let it live
May angels lead you in.
As I read the words on her grave again, the tears finally came. And boy did they come. I sat there and cried and cried and cried. I have no idea how long it was before I was able to catch my breath and the lump in my throat subsided.
“Why did you have to leave me? I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this without you. Every time I think I start to figure things out, like I’m finally moving in the right direction, something slaps me in the face and knocks me backward. I need you here with me, I need you to catch me and pick me back up. You weren’t supposed to leave me; we were supposed to do this together. How dare you do this to me!”
Arms wrapped around me from behind as I began to sob again, pulling me close to the masculine chest to which they belonged. I knew by the clean scent of the cologne that it was Ash, and instead of jerking away from him, I let him embrace me. He pulled me into his lap and held me close to his body while he stroked my hair and kissed my forehead. He continued to rock and soothe me in the cold darkness until I had cried out every last tear.
After I apologized and said goodbye to Evie, Ash ushered me to my car. Before closing my door, he squatted down so that he was eye level with me and reached out to brush his thumb across my cheek. “I’m really sorry for everything, Scarlett. Can we go back to one of our houses to talk about it? I can’t leave things this way between us.”
I nodded and agreed to talk to him at my house. I believed that he never intended to make me feel that I wasn’t capable to make a decision regarding our future or that my opinion didn’t matter, but his actions did just that. He needed to realize that if we were going to be together, important decisions like where we were going to go to college and live needed to be a joint discussion from the very beginning, particularly as I tried to escape that feeling of being controlled that I had lived with all of my life.
He followed me in his car for the short drive back to my house. Once we were inside, I excused myself to take a quick shower before we talked. I hadn’t been home since I had left for the rehab center that morning, and especially after my bawling session, I was sure I looked like a complete mess. I quickly washed the dried mascara off of my blotchy face and then tried to scrub the funk of the day off of me under the spray of hot water. After rapidly drying myself off, I went into my room to put on something comfortable and warm. Ash was waiting for me on my bed with all kinds of pieces of paper spread out around him as well as my laptop and iPad.
“What in the world are you doing?” I asked as I grabbed my clothes.
He looked up and gave me a small smile. “I am laying out all of our options. Literally.”
I couldn’t help but giggle at him. I knew he felt awful and was trying to make it right, and I truly appreciated the effort. I was starting to feel bad at the way I had reacted earlier, but I had been caught completely off guard and felt like I had been deceived. However, once I had a little time to think about it, I wasn’t nearly as upset as I had been. At that point I just wanted to talk about what the possibilities were so that I knew what to prepare for.
I attempted to slip my panties on while the towel was still covering me, but I clumsily fell over my own feet, and the towel ended up on the floor as did I, flat on my butt. I looked up at Ash on the bed, who was trying desperately not to laugh, and then down at myself, sprawled out naked on the floor except my panties that were half on.
“Are you sure you want to take this hot mess somewhere across the country with you?” I asked him, half joking.
“As John Legend says babe, I ‘love your curves and all your edges, all your perfect imperfections,’” he answered sincerely. If I hadn’t already been on the floor, I think I may have melted into a puddle on it.
“Awww that’s one of the sweetest things you’ve ever said to me. You totally just gave me butterflies,” I told him honestly as I stood up and finished pulling my panties up. I walked over to the bed and leaned down to give him a quick kiss. He groaned loudly as I pulled my mouth away from his. “What?” I asked.
“You,” he growled as he grabbed a hold of my hips and pulled me up on the bed and into his lap. “You’re the hottest little thing I’ve ever laid my eyes on, and you’re prancing around here without clothes on, knowing damn well what you’re doing to me.” He brought his mouth back to mine, this time giving me a much more sensual kiss.
“I’m not prancing,” I mumbled against his mouth. “I’m more like flopping around.”
“Well your flopping is extremely sexy, in case you didn’t know,” he said as he began peppering kisses up and down my neck.
“Don’t think I’m not aware of what you’re trying to do, Mr. Walker,” I attempted to say with a stern voice, but it came out more in a breathy whisper. He was turning me into putty in his hands and completely erasing the reason I was upset to begin with. “We are supposed to be talking about something important . . . I think.”
“Yes, this is very important,” he murmured against my sensitive skin as his head moved lower on my chest and drew a nipple into his mouth. That was all it took for me, I was a goner and all was forgiven. It was decided—we were moving to California.
DOWN IN THE VALLEY—THE HEAD AND THE HEART
CAN’T STOP LOVIN’ YOU—AEROSMITH (FEAT CARRIE UNDERWOOD)
MASON
I really had no clue what to expect once I got resettled into my apartment, especially with Andi living there with me. After Scarlett left us that first evening, we both went back to our rooms and spent most of our time in there. Even though we had just been grocery shopping, the last thing I felt like doing was cooking or dirtying up the kitchen, so I just ordered some pizza and wings for us, which we both ate in the privacy of our own bedrooms. Luckily, however, it didn’t feel forced or awkward w
ith her. It wasn’t like we were great friends or felt like we needed to entertain each other, we were just roommates and it was surprisingly comfortable from the very beginning.
Waking up the following morning in my apartment for the first time in months did feel a little weird. I wasn’t sure what exactly to do with myself to be quite honest. I had an appointment with Heather early in the afternoon and then I was taking Andi to Empty’s to introduce her to Marcus and get her set up with a job. I decided to go for a run, more to waste time than anything else. When I got back an hour or so later, Andi was lounging on the couch watching television and the house smelled of good cooking.
She looked up as I walked through the door and smiled. “Hey you,” she said, her eyes drifting to the tattoo that covered my right rib cage and disappeared into my basketball shorts. Pulling her eyes back to mine, she continued, “I thought you were here so I made some breakfast, but you never came out of your room. It’s in the microwave if you’re hungry. It should still be warm.”
“Thank you so much, you didn’t have to do that, but it smells delicious,” I replied with a grin. I walked directly into the kitchen and grabbed the plate of eggs, bacon, and breakfast potatoes and inhaled it in less than five minutes. I’m not sure if it tasted so damn good because I had been eating hospital food for a month and a half or due to her excellent culinary skills, but either way it was like heaven in my mouth. I washed off my plate when I had finished and loaded it in the dishwasher.
As I walked past her on my way to the shower, I complimented her. “Andi, that was amazing. Thank you again.” She smiled and nodded before returning her attention to whatever she was watching on the tv.
Once I was stripped and under the spray of warm water, I exhaled a deep breath that I didn’t even realize I was holding. I never realized how hard it was to simply live before; I had always just done it—day after day. However, the previous twenty four hours made up the longest day of my life. It was as if each minute I had to keep my mind occupied, thinking what I was going to do next. Shaking off my sudden need to over-analyze everything and anything, I quickly washed up and got dressed for my appointment with Heather.
Seeing Heather’s face was a complete relief for me. Even though it was in her office instead of the rehab facility, it felt comfortable sitting across from her talking. Apparently the emotions and thoughts I had been having were completely normal because the first thing she asked me was, “Do you feel like you’re living someone else’s life?”
As soon as she asked, I realized that was exactly how I felt—like I was living a different person’s life. I nodded and half-screamed at her, “Yes! That’s it!”
She smiled and chuckled a bit. “That’s completely normal, Mason. What you need to realize is that it’s still your life, you’re just looking at with a clarity that you haven’t had in quite some time. Even before you began drinking and using heavily, you still had a distorted vision of not your life so much, but what was going on around you.”
“So you’re saying I was a self-centered asshole to everyone before?” I asked, half-joking.
“Pretty much,” she answered with a grin, but I knew she was dead serious.
The rest of our appointment followed the same format as the previous ones did—I talked, she listened. I had never found it so easy to talk to someone before I had met her. I told her everything . . . things that had happened in my past, how I truly felt about everything, things I wished for the future; I held nothing back from her. She honestly wasn’t overly thrilled about the Andi situation, but she said she understood why I did it. Her main concern was that if one of us relapsed, it could affect the other, but since Andi’s issue was not really alcohol or drug related, she was hopeful that we could help and encourage one another.
When I got back to the apartment, I heard the shower running and was happy that Andi was already getting dressed to head up to the bar. I wanted to get there a little early to talk to Marcus. Since I was already dressed, I took the time to rest a bit on the couch and watch some mindless television. I found my thoughts drifting to Scarlett and what she was doing. I really wanted to text or call her, but I knew that wasn’t my place. I had faith that she wasn’t going to stop visiting now that I was out, but I couldn’t help but worry that things wouldn’t be quite the same. Our relationship had come a long way in the past month—we were actually friends now, and I really didn’t want to lose that.
A little after five in the afternoon, we pulled up to the back of Empty’s and I parked in my old parking spot. I kept reminding myself of what Heather had said, that I was just seeing things in a different, more selfless light. I could tell that Andi was a bit nervous as she apprehensively walked around the car and to the back door to catch up with me.
Wanting her to feel confident, I reassured her before opening the door. “Everyone is really nice here, and they’re all gonna love you. Don’t be surprised if they all try to make you their little sister though, okay?”
She smiled at me with those incredible blue eyes and her face lit up at my words. Seeing her dressed in fashion jeans with a snugly fitting long-sleeved top, her hair fixed and make up on, I realized how pretty she was. Her face was very young and innocent looking, almost like a little doll, and suddenly I felt protective over her. I wasn’t sure exactly what her relationship was with her family, but obviously it wasn’t good. I just couldn’t imagine anyone not wanting to love this girl, and if one of these fuckers at the bar tried to mess with her, I’d go big brother crazy on them.
We walked through the back hallway and I pointed out the apartment, the changing rooms, and the break room before we arrived at Marcus’ office. As usual he was elbows deep in paperwork and had his signature serious look on his face. I tapped on the door to alert him of our presence, and when he looked up from his desk, a smile spread across his face. He quickly stood up and walked over to us, giving me a huge bear hug, “It’s so good to see you here, Rat. I’ve missed you.”
I had never realized how much his love and support really meant to me, but after these last few months when we had really grown apart, partly because of my move to Austin and partly because I had shut him out of my life, I now knew that I both needed and wanted him to be in my life, no matter where I was. “It’s good to be back, bro,” I responded as I squeezed him back. “Really fucking good.”
As we released each other he looked down at my tiny companion, grinning, “And you must be Andi,” he said warmly and extended his hand. “I’m Marcus, this jack ass’ brother and your new boss I suppose. It’s a pleasure to meet you, sweetie.”
She smiled brightly and put her delicate hand in his, “It’s really nice to meet you, and I can’t thank you enough for giving me a job. I promise I won’t disappoint you.”
“You are old enough to serve alcohol, right?” he asked her, half-jokingly.
Laughing, she nodded her head. “Yes, but just barely. I turned eighteen last week. Do you need my license and all of that stuff?”
“Rat boy will get you your paperwork to fill out and then show you around,” he replied, looking over at me to make sure that was okay.
“Yup, come on, little one, let’s finish the tour,” I said, putting my arm around her shoulder. “You can fill out all the forms at the bar.” I looked back at Marcus as I led her out into the main room, and his lingering smile filled me with joy.
After showing her around and introducing her to the other employees, we got all of the necessary paperwork completed just before the door opened and people slowly started trickling in. At first I had set her up to follow one of the other waitresses around, but she insisted that she could handle it on her own. I wanted to show that I had faith in her, so I agreed, but made her promise to find me if she needed any help or anyone gave her any trouble.
Several hours into the night, I came out of the office to see that the place had filled up nicely; I was excited to get back to some normalcy. I knew that 32 Leaves was going to be playing later and I was hoping to get
a chance to talk to Max. We had been pretty good friends when I had first met Scarlett and he was dating Evie, and with everything that had happened last year, I really just wanted to clear the air with him. I headed in the direction of their usual table and was relieved to see him sitting there .
“Hey, Max,” I said as I walked up. All of the heads at the table turned to look at me, and I cringed internally knowing what they were all thinking. I took a deep breath, shook it off, and smiled at all of them. I nodded my head at the rest of the table. “Mina . . . Noah . . . guys . . . good to see you all.” Everyone said hello, but I could feel the tension in the air.
Mina, God love her sweet soul, came over and gave me a hug, making me feel a little better. “It’s good to see you back, Mase. You had us all a little worried.”
I smiled meekly. “Yeah, well I’m getting back on track now . . . just a little derailment. Thank you though, and I’m really sorry about the wed . . .”
“Shh! No need to apologize. Just promise me you aren’t gonna do anything stupid again,” she interrupted me.
Chuckling, I said, “I can’t promise I won’t do anything stupid, but I’m not getting mixed up in that shit again. I’ve got too much to live for.”
“Good, that’s what I want to hear,” she replied as she walked back over to her barstool.
Just as I was going to ask Max to talk for a minute alone, Andi walked up to the table. “Good evening, guys. What can I get you to drink?” I watched as she made her way around the table, getting each of their orders, ready to pounce if any of them made a lewd remark toward her. Luckily for them, they were all very respectful, but I couldn’t help but notice the way she and Max looked at each other when they interacted, almost as if they knew each other. I made a mental note to ask her about it when we got back to the apartment later.