“What’s your point?” I asked, somewhat irritably. I was beginning to lose my patience for her little temper tantrum.
“You’re so tight lipped about your past, that hoping for a straight answer from you regarding anything is like wishing for snow in July. Then there’s this whole business regarding your alternative lifestyle – that’s an entirely different beast. I know there’s more that you’re not telling me, and it’s probably nothing that I can read about on the internet,” she paused to take a breath, then looked me square in the eyes. “I need answers. I want to go to your club.”
So that’s it…she wants to go to Club O.
I wondered why she suddenly decided to press the issue. Whatever the reason was, I knew that I couldn’t take her there – at least not anytime soon. Krystina had yet to fully understand the meaning behind a true Dom and Sub relationship. It was built on trust and honesty. They went hand in hand, and neither of us had fully given that to each other as of yet. There were too many secrets between us – a very important fact that neither of us could deny. The club would only complicate our already fragile start.
“Krystina, I already told you. I don’t want to take you there. You’re not ready for it.”
“And who are you to decide what I’m ready for? I don’t need you to be my protector. I can handle it and I want to see and learn for myself. It’s barely after ten. I’m sure it’s not too late to go now.”
Now! As in tonight! She’s out of her fucking mind…
There’s a certain mindset that a person needed to have before walking through the doors of Club O, and Krystina had anything but the right frame of mind at that moment.
“Not a good idea – especially not tonight. I think it’s been a long week for both of us. Let’s just go back to my place and relax.”
“No, I want to go home,” she said, folding her arms across her chest in defiance.
“Krystina, we agreed that you would stay the weekend with me.”
“Or what? You’ll threaten to punish me for not giving unconditional obedience again?” she barked.
My head jerked back, shocked by her outburst. It was probably better that she did go home – at least until the bug decided to crawl out of her ass.
“Fine.” I leaned forward to hit the button that would lower the privacy glass. “Hale, Krystina will be going back to her own apartment tonight.”
“Yes, Mr. Stone,” Hale acknowledged.
Once the glass was raised back to its original position, I heard Krystina sigh.
“I’m sorry, Alex. I shouldn’t have snapped at you,” she said in a resigned voice. “I just think we’ve been spending too much time together, that’s all.”
What is this now?
I was completely flabbergasted.
“What are you talking about? I just got back into to town!”
“Yes, I know. And I appreciate the surprise. But honestly, I have an early morning spa day planned with Ally, and then I’ll be by your place after to spend the night. I think one weekend night is enough.”
She’s pulling away from me.
I leaned forward and hit the privacy glass again.
“Change of plan, Hale. My place.”
“What? I said take me home!” Krystina demanded.
“No. Not until we sort out whatever issue it is that you seem to be having. You’re all over the board tonight and I want to get to the bottom of it.”
CHAPTER 39
I paced Alexander’s family room, trying to calm my mounting fury. I didn’t know who I was angrier with – him for bringing me to his house despite my protests, or myself for acting like an inconsolable teenager.
Alexander wanted answers for my behavior, and rightly so. But if I couldn’t explain to myself how I was feeling, I had no hope of explaining it to him rationally. I had been back and forth for days – one part of me wanted to put some space between us, yet another part of me wanted all in. Space was a safer choice, but I didn’t know how to separate my emotions. The alternative would force me to open my heart and bare my soul, an option that could potentially cripple me.
“Krystina, sit down please. You’re going to wear a hole through my carpet.”
“I’m fine standing,” I told him, but stopped pacing. I rubbed my temples in an attempt to ward off the headache that was imminent.
“Would you like something to drink?”
“Wine would be great right now,” I accepted without hesitation.
I would need it in order to get through what I was about to do. It was time to choose my path, and to do that I would have to lay it all on the line. Alexander’s response to what I had to say would determine the direction that I chose, as I had proved to be inept at maintaining a half-in relationship status. I would either be all in, or not at all.
Alexander opened the bottled wine refrigerator and quickly made a selection. Popping the cork, he poured me a glass of white. I took a huge gulp, and another until the glass was drained. I handed the glass back to him. He merely raised one eyebrow at me, and then refilled it.
“What’s wrong, angel? Tell me.”
Angel.
I liked when Alexander called me that, but I knew that only people that were dating typically used pet names. I wasn’t sure how we had gotten to that point, as I couldn’t even say that we were an official couple.
“I’m miserable because I feel like I constantly have this battle going on inside my head,” I confessed. “I’ve been thinking a lot over the past few days and I’ve come to a conclusion. This thing between us cannot continue like it is. Something needs to give here.”
He cocked his head to one side, a look of confusion plain on his face.
“What are you trying to say?” he asked cautiously.
“Look, I’ve tried keeping separation between us, but it isn’t working. I had this fantastic idea that I could somehow just have sex with you and want nothing more. It was a foolish notion, on both of our parts. Your history with one-night stands probably worked to keep out emotional attachments in the past – but that isn’t what we are. It’s not who we’ve become. We’ve far surpassed that and the more time that goes on, the more I want. It doesn’t matter how much I fight it.”
“So don’t try to fight it then,” he stated simply, as if it were so easy.
“You don’t want me to? I mean, you want more than just the sex, too?”
“You’re not the only one navigating unfamiliar territory,” he ironically admitted. “Long-term has never been in my vocab until I met you. At first, I thought I could manage a steady dominant submissive relationship with you. But you’re not built for it and it’s not what I want anymore. My ideals have changed. I told you that I don’t do teddy bears and roses, yet just yesterday I had flowers delivered to you. I’ve never done that for any woman before. I suggest we put away the idea of what we said we wanted, and focus on what we want now.”
“I can’t do that,” I gravely said, shaking my head back and forth in denial.
“Then what’s the point of having this discussion?”
“Trust. I can’t focus on moving forward in this while we are both clinging to secrets.”
Alexander moved over to the couch and sat down. He ran his hands through his hair in a display of obvious frustration.
“Krystina, as hard as I try, I don’t understand you. I know that there are things in your past that you aren’t telling me. But whatever it is, it’s getting in the way of us. Sure, we are certainly unconventional compared to most, but that doesn’t explain why you continually push me away. If we have any shot at making this work, you need to either tell me, or get past whatever it is that’s holding you back.”
“That’s not fair. What you’re saying goes both ways.”
“You’re right, and I knew that you’d say that. But you have to understand that there are some things that I can’t tell you because they involve others. I can’t tell a story that’s not completely mine to tell. I think that you’re only hell bent on un
locking my past because you are desperately clinging to yours.”
“I am not,” I said stubbornly.
“Really? Then why can’t you let go enough to tell me?” he challenged.
I walked over to where he was sitting and looking down into his eyes. As I stared into those vibrant blues, I knew he was right. To build any sort of foundation, he needed the truth. And perhaps, if I gave in first, he would open himself up to me.
I took a shaky breath, trying to gather courage to dispel my apprehension.
“Alright,” I gave in. “I’ll tell you. But I can’t say that your knowing will make any bit of difference. In the end, my past defines who I am today. I can’t change that.”
“Go on,” he encouraged patiently.
“When I was still in college, I dated this guy for a couple of years. I’ve mentioned him before – his name is Trevor.”
“Yes. I remember,” he told me. His lips pinched into a thin line. I could tell that he was trying to contain his irritation over hearing my ex’s name, but I ignored it. This was far too important for me to waste time worrying about whether or not Alexander would be insulted.
“Well, he was super controlling, and that’s putting it mildly,” I continued. “I won’t bore you with the details, but you have to know that I easily gave in to him. I gave up a lot in order to cater to his every whim, completely foregoing my own. It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. That’s the reason why I’m so adamant about maintaining independence. I won’t let it happen again.”
“Well, we’ve already established that you are a terrible fulltime submissive,” he laughed lightly, but then sobered when he saw that I wasn’t finding his comment funny. “Seriously, I’m not asking you to give up everything. I thought you understood that. There’s no need to rehash what we’ve already discussed.”
“Wait, there’s more. A lot more. I’m not sure if you want to hear it.”
Alexander reached up and tugged at my hand to pull me down onto the sofa. I broke free of his grasp and shook my head. I didn’t want to sit, as I found it easier to talk while I was standing, and I began to pace the floor again.
“Krystina, just tell me,” he prodded.
“Trevor was abusive. Not at first, but over time. It started out more verbal that anything, and I easily ignored it. He shoved me a few times – once in front of Allyson. I fought with her a lot over that. She called Trevor out on his shit pretty regularly, and he hated her for it.”
“Ally sounds like a smart girl,” he said dryly.
“She saw what I couldn’t see. So Trevor did everything he could to keep Ally and I apart. I let him.”
“Everything is okay with you and her now though, isn’t it?”
I caught Alexander’s eye and smiled wistfully.
“Yes, Ally and I are fine. She saved me.”
I saw his brow furrow in confusion.
“Saved you?” he asked.
“From Trevor.”
As much as I told myself that I wouldn’t cry, I felt a tear slide down my cheek. I hastily wiped it away, annoyed that I was showing signs of weakness.
“Krystina, it’s okay,” Alexander assured as he came over to where I stood. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight to his chest. “It was a long time ago. He’s not worth it.”
I looked up and saw the hurt in his eyes.
He thought I was crying over Trevor.
“I’m not upset over him. I’m upset because of what I have to say next. I’m sorry, but I’ve never talked about this in detail, not even to Ally. She only knows what she knows because she’s smart and connected the dots. I don’t think you know how hard this is for me.”
His face paled, and I could see panic begin to set in.
“Christ, what the hell happened? You’re starting to scare me, Krystina.”
I removed myself from his embrace, unable to meet his eyes while I told the ending of my tale. For some reason, I was awash with humiliation, even though I knew that I had nothing to be ashamed about.
“For the first time, I stood up for myself,” I continued. “I decided to leave him after he cheated on me. Well, he was having none of it. You want to talk about fatal attraction – I lived it.”
“You don’t have to tell me anymore if you don’t want to,” Alexander said. His voice wavered uncharacteristically, like he was afraid to hear the rest.
But what Alexander didn’t understand was that I had to tell him. This wasn’t only about building trust between the two of us – it was more about me. If I truly wanted to move on from the past that haunted me, I had to admit certain things to myself. I needed to speak the words aloud, something that I had never done before.
“No, I have to get this out. For me,” I added. He nodded his head once, accepting my need to finish. “About a month after I left Trevor, he showed up at my apartment. He had been drinking a lot before he came. I should have just slammed the door in his face, but I was worried because he had driven to my place. I didn’t want to send him off to get behind the wheel again, so I let him come inside. I figured that once he had time to sober up a bit, I’d tell him to leave.
“One thing led to another, and we started to argue. Eventually, I lost patience with him and stormed off into my bedroom. I hoped that he’d sleep off his drunken stupor on the couch and be gone by morning. But he followed me instead,” I paused and took a shaky breath.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
My vision narrowed and I felt like I was in a trance, as if I were looking down on the scene that was taking place in the penthouse. I didn’t even notice that Alexander was right by my side until I felt his hand on my cheek. Using his thumb, he brushed a tear away.
“You don’t have to finish,” Alexander said beseechingly.
I looked up into his beautiful eyes, so full of patience and understanding. A weaker version of myself may have folded right then and there, seeking the comfort of his embrace to protect myself from the rest of the world. However, I wasn’t that person anymore. I knew that I was stronger than that. Determination settled in my bones with a renewed confidence that turned my spine to steel.
You can do this.
I squared my shoulders and took a deep, self-assured breath.
“He came at me, but I was no match against him. He beat me,” I paused, struggling to get the rest out. “And he forced himself on me.”
“He raped you?”
I winced at hearing Alexander voice the brutality that I refused to acknowledge, even after all this time.
“Yes, he raped me.”
Uttering those few words made me feel as if I was being ripped apart from the inside. The pain was tremendous, yet I felt a certain amount of relief through the hurt. It was as if the weight of the entire world had been removed from my shoulders.
“Fuck, Krystina,” Alexander swore, his voice full of venom. “I…I knew there was something. But I had no idea.”
He pulled me close to him, but this time I welcomed his embrace. His touch seeped a little bit of warmth into my blood that seemed to be flowing arctic cold.
“I tried to reach Allyson, but I didn’t know where she was and she wasn’t answering her phone. I waited for her all night,” I choked on the last sentence, as the memories from that fateful day began to take their toll on my strength. “When she finally came home the next morning, I was a mess. I couldn’t even speak, I just remember crying uncontrollably. Honestly, the entire thing is kind of foggy even now. One minute I was home, the next I was in a hospital bed. There were doctors and police officers asking me questions…but I couldn’t get the words out.”
Alexander pulled back suddenly, alarm spreading over his handsome features.
“I hope you don’t think…I mean, when I talk about punishing you, you know that it’s different than –,” he started, but I cut him off before he would finish.
“I know it’s different. At first, I worried that what happened might get in the way. But you convinced me to trust you in that
regard, and you unknowingly taught me the difference between pleasure that comes from pain, and pain that comes from violence.”
Alexander squeezed me tighter to him.
“I’ve always underestimated your strength, but I can’t help but to apologize. I would have done things differently with you had I known this earlier,” he murmured into my hair.
“Don’t be sorry. I’m glad that you didn’t know because I wouldn’t want to change anything. In fact, I always worried that people would look at me differently if they knew what happened with Trevor. I couldn’t even talk about it to the therapists that I tried going to. I was serious when I said that I never told anyone the details of that night up until now.”
“Nobody?” he asked.
“Like I said, not even Allyson.”
He abruptly pulled back to look at me. All of the compassion was gone, and I was alarmed by the amount of anger that flashed in his eyes.
“You said that there were police at the hospital. Are you saying that you never even told them? He walked?”
“Alex, I was in so much pain that day – emotionally and physically. I was too weak to admit the truth to myself, let alone to a stranger in a uniform. So, yes – I let him walk.”
He searched my face carefully, although I wasn’t sure of what exactly he was trying to find.
Is he looking at me now with different eyes? Will he still touch me the same way?
After a moment, I tore my gaze from his. I didn’t want to entertain the many ways my revelation could change our relationship. However, he took my chin in his hand and turned my head back to look at him.
“Do not blame yourself,” he said vehemently.
“What makes you think that I’m blaming myself?”
“Because you said that you let him walk. And I’m familiar with that look on your face. My mother wore that look.”
I froze.
“Your mother?”
“Yes. My father was an abusive man and she always blamed herself. Don’t be that woman, Krystina. Don’t allow yourself to be the victim. You’re tougher than that. Your admission today tells me as much. By overcoming what happened and moving on from the horrors in your past, you become the champion. The minute you stand proud and strong, Trevor becomes nothing but a weak little man.”
Heart of Stone Page 36