by Paul Gamble
“There’s certainly something special about you,” Trudy agreed.
Jack turned to Trudy. “Maybe we could…”
Trudy stood up. “No!”
Jack slumped down in his chair. “I was only going to suggest…”
“You were going to suggest that we go and look at the model farm to see if there’s anything odd about it. But if we start investigating that, we won’t have time to find my mother.”
Jack squirmed. He knew that Trudy was right, but he also knew that something odd was going on with the school. A film company arriving was odd enough, but one that was worried about the health of the pupils was very strange indeed. “Trudy, you know what I’m like. No matter how hard I try I’m going to want to figure out what’s going on at that model farm. I’ll just nip over there at recess and have a quick look. Then after school we can really start thinking about finding your mother.”
“Fine,” Trudy said quietly. “You can go and look at the model farm … by yourself.” Trudy turned and left the nurse’s room without another word.
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
ACUPUNCTURE
ITS EFFECTIVENESS
Many people within the Ministry have argued over whether acupuncture is actually effective. There are two schools of thought on this.
The school of thought that feels that acupuncture is ineffective is called the “hedgehog school.” The school of thought that believes it to be effective is called the “cactus school.”
The hedgehog school points out that hedgehogs are almost continually undergoing acupuncture with needles sticking into them. And yet hedgehogs seem to be very unhealthy creatures indeed. They are constantly getting squashed and injured. In fact, in some places little hedgehog hospitals have been set up to take care of them as they are so constantly sickly.
On the other hand, the cactus school points out that cacti also have a penchant for acupuncture and they are among the world’s hardiest plants, almost impossible to kill and often living in the worst conditions, such as bone-dry deserts.
The Ministry has no official position on acupuncture. However, the Minister himself has noted that his grandmother used to sew patchwork quilts as a hobby. As it transpired, she wasn’t very good at this and was continually pricking her index finger with the needle. The Minister says that although he is reluctant to draw a conclusion from this, he can’t help noticing that his grandmother’s index finger never got ill.22
* * *
5
SHOCKING CHANGES
As Jack and David wandered across the playing fields toward the model farm, they noticed that there were workmen in the street erecting a series of new electricity pylons. “Look at that.”
David wasn’t sure why Jack was so interested. “They’re just electricity pylons.”
“That’s what worries me,” Jack said. “Two weeks ago we were getting wind turbines; last week it was natural gas. And both of those things were just excuses to try and take over Northern Ireland. So, you’ll understand why I worry when I see a new power source being attached to the school.”
David chuckled. “Jack, you’re beginning to get paranoid about everything. There’s nothing unusual about electricity pylons. You see them everywhere.”
Jack looked up at the pylons. A flock of birds had arrived and were roosting on the wires that were strung between them. Jack wondered why birds found electricity wires so comfortable. After all, it only seemed to be pylons that you saw them roosting on. They never clustered around tightrope walkers in a circus or on clotheslines. He couldn’t help wondering if something strange had always been going on with pylons.
Jack noticed that one bird in particular seemed different from the others. It was black and white with a splash of red on its forehead. While the other birds were relatively relaxed, this unusual bird seemed to be looking about, scanning the ground as if it were trying to find something. But what could it possibly be looking for?
Jack and David continued walking to where the model farm had been set up. Half of a rugby field had been fenced off over the weekend. The fencing was made of white wooden slats and was eight feet tall, preventing anyone from seeing inside. However, before David and Jack even walked into it they could tell that it contained something from the countryside—mainly because of the smell.
Jack felt nervous—first Edwyn’s bizarre “allergic” reaction had turned him into a monster, and now there was something hidden from view on the playing fields. Strange things were happening … again. He was also worried that Trudy wasn’t there with him. He understood why she’d been angry that they weren’t focusing on searching for her mother, but Jack couldn’t help himself when it came to his curiosity. Telling Jack not to be curious about something was like telling someone wearing a plaster cast not to feel itchy. It didn’t help—in fact it made it worse.
David had offered to come with Jack, but that wasn’t very reassuring. Although David was one of Jack’s best friends he wasn’t much use when it came to backup. When Jack thought about his recent adventure he realized that he and Trudy had complementary roles. Jack with his curiosity got them into dangerous scrapes; Trudy with her amazing acrobatic abilities got them out of them.
“Why do people like the smell of country air so much?” David wrinkled his nose.
“Not sure,” said Jack. “I think it’s because there’s less pollution.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s wrong,” David disagreed as he breathed in a lungful of”country” air. “There’s just as much pollution. It’s just that the pollution in the countryside is organic and of a much more squelchy nature.”
Beside the fenced-in area stood an enormous barn and a huge grain silo that looked like an upside-down cider jug. Both were made from red corrugated metal. A long metal wire from one of the electricity pylons in the street was attached to the corner of the barn. Jack noticed that the barn had been placed in exactly the same location where the gargantuan fracking drill had been the previous week. The drill had been used by the queen of Atlantis to try to sink Northern Ireland by making a series of huge holes through the ground. Jack couldn’t help wondering how they had managed to fill such an enormous hole so quickly. A model farm, a new barn and grain silo, and more electricity pylons … Was it possible they were all connected?
There was a gate in the middle of the fence beside which were a pile of Wellington boots. Jack and David changed out of their school shoes and, with their boots on, pushed open the gate to reveal the model farm. Someone had certainly been busy as much of the ground had been plowed up and neat rows of crops had been planted. There were also several pens containing animals. Jack wasn’t very good at countryside lore, but he was fairly sure that he could identify two cows, a small group of pigs, and a donkey.
David looked around nervously.
“What’s the matter?” asked Jack.
David pointed at several spots on the ground. “You know that I’m used to falling over. I just don’t want to fall over in any of that.” They were surrounded by steaming brown piles of you-know-what. Jack saw his point.
It was then that a strange figure jumped out in front of them and David rather predictably fell over.
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
ANIMAL “WASTE”
POTENTIAL USES
It is worth noting that what we consider “waste products” of animals don’t necessarily need to be so. Pig “doings” can be used to produce methane, which can in turn be used to power cars and engines. If pigs actually taught themselves to drive, we can’t be certain what kind of car they would drive. However, given the kind of smell that methane gives off, we can guess that they would probably prefer convertibles.
Cows are also known to produce a substantial amount of methane. If cows bought cars, they would also probably prefer convertibles, but at the very least would require a sunroof to poke their horns out of. Additionally, cows would certainly be very interested to know what
the seats inside the vehicle were made of. It would be a major faux pas to buy a car with leather trim on the seats that turned out to be your Uncle Crawford.
Elephants are also known to produce a considerable amount of methane. Scientists have shown that if you harnessed all the methane that came out of an elephant in one day you could drive a car twenty miles. Having said that, it would be extremely difficult to get the elephant to stay on the roof rack for the whole journey.
* * *
6
MODEL FARMS AND LESS-THAN-MODEL PUPILS
“You don’t want to have fallen in that,” said the man who was standing in front of them.
“I was just saying that myself,” said David, struggling to his feet and trying to brush stuff off the front of his uniform without actually touching any of it.23
Jack turned to pay attention to the strange man and smiled politely. “My name’s Jack, and this is David. Can I just check who you are—I’m not supposed to speak to strangers.…”
When the man smiled there was a wicked glint in his eye. He had long, straggly white hair and a rather unkempt, thick beard. His eyes were a kind of greeny-blue that seemed to swirl like water. He was wearing a white coat so long that it almost seemed like a gown. If it had been a mere inch longer, it would have dragged in the mud. It was a very impractical kind of thing to wear on a farm.
“I work for the film company. I’m running this farm.”
“So, you’re a farmer?” asked David.
The man seemed annoyed at being called a farmer. “I’m a scientist,” he snapped. “I’ve specifically bred all these crops and animals to benefit humanity.”
Jack couldn’t help wondering if the man was capable of creating foods that caused bizarre allergic reactions.
“Perhaps you’d like a tour? This way.” The man started walking, and Jack and David followed him through rows of freshly planted crops. “Here we have the arable crops. We have turnips, radishes, potatoes, carrots, peas, leeks.…”
David and Jack looked at each other. “I do enjoy a pea,” said Jack, smiling.
“I know what you mean; I could really go for a leek,” agreed David.
The man looked at them sternly. “Very funny. But on a more serious note, these are very special vegetables. I have genetically engineered them so they won’t cause allergic reactions—you must have noticed that these days everyone seems to be allergic to something—but with my specially grown vegetables people won’t have to worry about that. My crops will also be bigger and more tasty, and they’ll even grow more quickly. Imagine if you could grow parsnips that were twice the size that they currently are.”
Jack was pretty impressed, David slightly less so. “I’m not sure my parents would like that.”
“Why not?”
“Well, it would just mean that they’d have to throw out the compostable waste a bit more often. I mean they do occasionally buy parsnips, and very occasionally they actually cook them, but generally we just eat around them and then throw them out when they’ve gone cold.”
The farm man looked very angry and then said one of those things that parents normally say. “What would you say to someone who was starving?”
David just stared at him. “Probably—would you like some of this parsnip? Because … you know … I’m not going to eat it anyway.”
As with all adults who tried to deal with David, the man found himself exasperated and unable to answer. Instead he walked on and pointed at the pigpen. “These pigs are specially bred to produce the maximum amount of methane possible. One day we’ll use pigs to run cars and warm houses.”
Jack thought to himself that although this sounded like a good idea, it would still be worrisome. If all the pigs were busy making electricity, there was a risk that such an approach might cause a sausage shortage. And what was the point in being all nice and cozy, with an efficient but smelly car, if you couldn’t have a sausage sandwich for breakfast?
Jack would have stopped to pet one of the pigs, but the man turned his shaggy white head and hurried along.
“You know, you haven’t told us what your name is,” said Jack.
The man thought for a moment. “I don’t suppose that would do a huge amount of harm. You can call me Mr. M.”
“M? You’re called M?”
“MISTER M to you,” the man snapped. “Titles are important.”
David cocked his head to one side. “Mr. M? Didn’t I see you on Sesame Street? Weren’t you friends with the word beside and the number 6?”
Mr. M sighed. “Enough chatter! This way … this way.”
Mr. M seemed very keen to try to get Jack and David to the other side of the farm for some reason. Jack was suspicious but wasn’t sure why. Until he could figure out what was going on he tried to slow things down by asking as many questions as possible.“Is there anything special about these cows?”
Mr. M sighed at having to answer another question. “Everything on this farm is special. I have crossbred these cows with strawberries so they produce strawberry milk. I was also working on agitating the cow so it would produce milkshakes.”
“Agitating?” queried Jack.
“We put it on a trampoline,” admitted Mr. M, clearly embarrassed that it didn’t sound quite as grand as he had pretended.
David was thinking. “It’s a nice idea, but I’m not sure I’d fancy drinking a warm milkshake.”
“We thought of that,” said Mr. M. “We actually tried to refrigerate the cow’s udders.”
David laughed. “Did that work?”
Mr. M winced slightly as he rolled up one of his sleeves to show them a bruise in the shape of a hoof. “As it turns out, although cows quite like playing on trampolines, they really don’t like their udders being refrigerated.”
“Important safety tip there,” said Jack. “I thought that this would have been a waste of time, but I’m learning things about the countryside already. This is great. Mind you, strawberry milk doesn’t sound like health food.”
David agreed with Jack about this. “If strawberry milkshake is a health food then I have been grossly misinformed about the kind of foods that are good for you.”
“Of course strawberry milk can be healthy. We take it straight from the cow. Unlike the kind of milkshakes you normally have, there are no added chemicals. In fact we actually make it even more healthy by adding vitamins and extra iron.”
They were approaching the fence at the far side of the farm, which was covered in long green tendrils that snaked up from the soil. There was nothing interesting to see apart from a small pile of stones lying on the ground. “What are these for?” Jack asked.
Mr. M looked at Jack and picked up a few of the smaller stones. “Nothing, they’re just stones. These are sandstone, limestone, mudstone. This one is granite. And these are pieces of flint. Just stones.”
“Are you trying to grow stones?” asked Jack. “Because while I wouldn’t consider myself an expert on farming, I’m not sure that’s going to work.”
Mr. M sighed. “No, we aren’t trying to grow the stones. When we plowed up the land we found these pieces of stone beneath the soil. There’s only one stone that I was ever really interested in.…” Mr. M seemed to drift into a trance for a minute before he looked up again.
Jack looked at Mr. M and knew that there was something very odd about him. Who got excited about stones? “So, you’ve set up this farm to teach kids to eat more healthily. And that way they’ll look all buff on the film sets. Is that what you expect?”
A small, slightly wry smile that had been playing across Mr. M’s lips turned into a full-blown grin. “What do I expect? I expect you to die.”
“Sorry?” said Jack. “I think I may have misheard you there.”
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
COWS
WHY THEY ARE BLACK AND WHITE
You will almost certainly have noticed that cows come in many different colors and shades. However, one of the most “cowli
ke” varieties is black and white. But this seems strange—after all, cows mostly live in fields that are green. So being black and white doesn’t actually act like great camouflage—and given cows’ lack of combat ability you would think they would be one of those animals that would have worked on their hiding skills.
Interestingly enough, you may have noticed when armies are patrolling in war zones they frequently wear black, white, and gray patched uniforms meant for hiding in cities. This pattern is called urban camouflage.
And this is precisely what cows were designed for—hiding in cities. The obvious truth is that cows were originally bred to look this way by the Vikings.
You will be aware that Vikings used to be famous for invading towns and cities that didn’t belong to them and generally making a nuisance of themselves. However, one of the major problems that Vikings encountered during their raiding parties was that, as no one had yet invented the backpack, it was very difficult to carry provisions. Of course, Vikings could bring large lines of wagons filled with food and drink; however, these almost inevitably gave away the element of surprise as you could see them coming from miles away.
It was the great Viking leader King Thomas the Eminently Practical who came up with the idea of breeding a cow covered in urban camouflage that would blend in and become invisible in cities. The cow would be difficult to see (thus preserving the element of surprise), but would also provide a source of drink, food, and even dung for the campfire.
After a Viking attack, the townspeople would eventually capture a few leftover cows, move them to the countryside, and use them for milk. Why did the Vikings leave cows behind? Well, with their excellent “urban camouflage” cows were hard to find in a town after a battle was over. If you were a Viking, it was therefore vitally important to always make a mental note as to where you had parked your cow.