The Knight's Armor

by Paul Gamble

Jack shrugged his shoulders. Then he realized that Trudy couldn’t see his shoulders and decided that speaking would be more appropriate instead. “It’s just that you’re my best friend and everything. And sometimes I imagine what it would be like to have a girlfriend—that’s all. You know what I’m like with my imagination.”

  “As long as it’s just imagining,” said Trudy. “I don’t want you getting all soppy.”

  “I won’t,” Jack promised.

  Jack felt a searing pain in his right shoulder. It was amazing that even when Trudy couldn’t see his shoulder she still seemed to be able to sense its location. On reflection, Jack was happy that she had this ability. After all, a deliberately punched shoulder is many times better than an accidentally punched nose.

  They moved slowly and silently along the wall toward the giant. Although its size would have made it a ferocious opponent in the battle, it was actually useful when invisible because it meant they could duck between its legs and get inside the courtyard. Although their tinfoil suits rustled slightly, the giant didn’t move an inch.

  “What now?” whispered Jack.

  “Over there!” Trudy’s voice seemed to come out of nowhere.

  “Over where? You do realize, if you’re pointing, that I can’t see your finger?”

  “Sorry—I mean over by the main tower.”

  Jack turned his head and saw Merlin surrounded by a group of five gleaming suits of full battle armor. Two were substantially shorter than the others. Merlin had changed out of the lab coat that suggested he was a scientist and was now wearing a red king’s robe. It was embroidered with patterns of stags, flowers, and bears. Jack had to admit to himself that Merlin looked impressive, and more than a little frightening.

  Merlin looked around the courtyard and stared directly at Jack and Trudy. Jack shuddered, but then realized that he was safe thanks to his invisibility. Once Merlin was reassured that no one was following, he walked through an oak door and into the tower of the castle. Jack and Trudy followed as quickly as they could.

  The door led to an enormous medieval entrance hall. Flags and tapestries hung from the whitewashed stone walls. There was an enormous fireplace embedded into one wall, stacked full with logs. The room was lit by burning torches attached to metal brackets. The floor was made of thick flagstones and had a series of thick, red carpets that radiated from the center of the room and led to a series of doorways. Normally this was exactly the kind of thing that would have interested Jack. But at the moment the only thing he was interested in seeing was missing from the room: Merlin.

  Trudy started fading back into view. “Which way now, Jack?”

  “What am I? Google Maps?” Jack looked at the back of his hand and saw that it had reappeared as well.

  Trudy glared at Jack. “I do think of you like Google Maps, because you only work after I’ve punched the information in.” Trudy balled her right fist.

  Jack gulped. “Point taken. Okay, let’s think this through. Merlin has delusions of grandeur. So, he’s laid the red carpet to walk on.”

  “Yes, but the red carpet leads to all the doors in here. So that doesn’t really help us much.”

  Jack looked at the carpet. It did lead to all the doors, but it also led to several points in the wall and a wardrobe. Could Merlin walk through walls? Jack went over to the wall and pushed it as hard as he could. It didn’t even budge. He wasn’t surprised—walls were frequently stubborn like that. “Maybe there’s some kind of secret passage?”

  Trudy walked over beside Jack. “How do we find it?”

  Jack noticed they were standing beside one of the flaming torches in a metal bracket. “Maybe this is it. In movies, they always pull a candlestick or a torch in a bracket and then a section of the wall slides away, revealing a secret passageway.” Jack reached up and pulled at the torch bracket.

  “AHHHHH!” Jack screamed. The wall remained unmoved.

  “What’s wrong with you? Are you really that surprised it didn’t work?”

  Jack was blowing on his hand. “No, it’s not that at all. It’s just that what the people who make movies clearly haven’t realized is, if you have a flaming torch attached to a wall the metal bracket gets very hot. I think I’m going to need some ointment for my hand. And possibly a bandage.”

  Trudy turned and looked around the room. “Is there a possibility we’re overthinking this? Should we maybe try one of the doors?”

  Jack looked at the red carpet again and noticed that one branch of it led to the wardrobe. He snapped his fingers. “That’s it! The wardrobe!”

  “What about it?”

  “Remember, Merlin was a carpenter. He made things out of wood, so if he was going to have hidden a secret passage, I bet he’ll have hidden it—”

  “In the wardrobe!” Trudy rushed over to the wardrobe and threw both doors open. Instead of a variety of cloaks and coats, there was a stairway leading upward. “This is bound to be where they went.”

  Jack followed Trudy over. He looked into the wardrobe and was slightly disappointed not to find either a lion or a witch.103

  “Are you ready?” Trudy asked, putting a foot on the first step.

  “Depends on what your definition of ready is, I suppose. I’ve got a horrible feeling that Merlin’s going to be the hardest villain we’ve faced. Pirates don’t plan well, and the queen of Atlantis was arrogant. But this guy’s a scientist—that makes him smart and professional.”

  “Yeah, but we’re going to take him down. He took my mother away from me. I didn’t know if she was ever going to come back. I’m not going to forgive him for that.”

  Trudy bunched both fists together and started walking up the red-carpeted stairs. Jack followed her, thinking about his “half a plan.” It was the first time that they’d ever gone into battle with only a rough idea of how they were going to defeat their enemy. Jack hoped it wouldn’t be the last time as well.

  * * *

  MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK

  SCIENTISTS: DISCOVERERS VERSUS INVENTORS

  WHO IS BETTER?

  There are many different ways to divide up scientists. For example, they can be split into groupings such as evil and garden-variety scientists. However, the most important distinction is to split scientists up into those who invent things and those who discover things.

  The easiest way to explain the difference is this. Isaac Newton was a man who many consider a genius because he discovered gravity. But before Mr. Newton discovered it we weren’t all just floating around. Mr. Newton was smart for discovering gravity. But the real genius would be whoever actually invented it.

  Despite extensive research at the patent office, we have been unable, to date, to identify the scientist who invented gravity.

  * * *

  41

  MAGNETIC PERSONALITIES

  The stairs led to a trapdoor with two huge bands of iron across it. Trudy and Jack crouched beneath it and silently listened. They could hear voices on the other side.

  “I think that’s Merlin,” Trudy whispered.

  Jack agreed. “This is the big confrontation, then.”

  “Yes, I don’t suppose you’ve come up with the other half of the plan yet?”

  “Umm, no. Maybe we just ask him to surrender?”

  “I’m sure we’d have the element of surprise if we do that, but I’m not altogether convinced that he’ll agree to it.”

  Jack shrugged. “Stranger things have happened.”

  Trudy admitted that stranger things had happened to them, but she still doubted whether Jack’s plan would work. Trudy put her shoulder to the trapdoor. “On the count of three. One … two … THREE!” With a mighty shove, Trudy threw the trapdoor open and they leapt out to find themselves standing in the open air, on the ramparts of the central tower.

  Merlin was standing on the far side of the tower, adjusting some switches and valves on a large brass control panel. He was surrounded by the five suits of armor. Each of them held a long sword and a shield.

/>   “Ah, my two friends from the Ministry.”

  “Surrender, Merlin!” Jack shouted.

  “No.”

  “You see, I told you that wouldn’t work,” Trudy muttered.

  Merlin cocked his head to one side and looked at them. “Was that your plan?”

  “We really only had half a plan,” Jack conceded.

  “That’s a pity, because being alive for several hundreds of years has taught me to be prepared, and to have a backup plan just in case. As you can see I have my knights with me—Plan A. And if they fail? I have my dragon above—Plan B.”

  Jack and Trudy looked up and saw an enormous green-black shadow circling in the sky. It continued to belch huge clouds of smoky, orange flame.

  Jack leaned over to Trudy. “This is going exactly as I expected.”

  “Oh,” said Trudy, slightly surprised. “That’s good!”

  “Not really”—Jack paused—“because I expected it to go very badly indeed.”

  Trudy took up a fighting stance. “I’m going to use The Speed to defeat Merlin. I’m going to remember how sad I was when my mother went missing.”

  Jack wondered what sad memory he should think of. And then he realized that he suspected they were going to be defeated by Merlin.… For once he didn’t need to think of a sad thought for The Speed to work—he was actually just sad.

  Trudy ran along the red carpet toward Merlin. Turning, Merlin stabbed at buttons on the control panel, which caused three of the empty suits of undefeatable armor to race toward her. The two smaller suits of armor remained standing next to Merlin. “Let’s see how you cope with my ‘knights.’”

  The first knight swiped at Trudy with its enormous sword. Trudy ducked under it, grabbing the knight’s shoulder. She pulled hard on its arm and sent the knight sprawling to the ground. Jack ran forward and kicked the sword away, feeling that he had played his part.

  Merlin jabbed at more buttons on his control panel and two suits of armor closed in on Trudy from either side. Trudy swiveled, keeping both of them in view. The second knight lunged forward, forcing Trudy backward as the third knight swung his sword. Trudy saw it coming and backflipped over the blade at the last instant. She stood up, ramming the knight’s arm with her shoulder. Its blade clattered to the ground. Jack dived forward and caught the sword by the handle, very happy with himself that he hadn’t accidentally caught the blade and rendered himself left-handed for the rest of his life.

  Trudy stepped forward and squared up against the remaining normal-sized suit of armor. It chopped, stabbed, and swung at her, but Trudy easily avoided each attack. “Is this the best you can do, Merlin?” Trudy mocked. “These suits are slow compared to a Ministry agent using The Speed.”

  Merlin didn’t look rattled in the slightest. “Not to worry, young lady. Keep in mind that my ‘empty knights’ move through the power of magnetism. You will get tired. You will be bruised and hurt. But even if you put a sword through one of them, they won’t stop fighting.”

  Trudy froze. She took two steps backward and stood alongside Jack. “He’s right,” she whispered. “What do we do?”

  “Yeah, see this situation right here? This is the part that we didn’t have the half plan for.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, as it turns out we had a way of dealing with Merlin’s Plan B rather than his Plan A.”

  Trudy muttered something very unladylike under her breath. “I’m still not giving up. You hear that, Merlin?”

  Merlin nodded and pressed some more buttons on the control panel. All three knights stood bolt upright again. Jack felt the sword in his hand being pulled by the magnetic force. It leapt from his hand and flew back into the gauntlet of the first knight.

  Trudy rubbed her hands together and rolled her shoulders to stretch them. “All right, Jack, stay out of it this time. I’m going to get serious.”

  Jack considered pointing out that he hadn’t really done much the first time around, but decided that would probably have just been an unwelcome distraction. The three knights were heading toward them. Trudy walked five steps backward and then started running at the knights. She dived forward and flipped twice, hitting the first knight with a flying kick that sent it sprawling. Instantly, she cartwheeled as the remaining two knights swiped at her. Their swords whooshed past her and smashed into each other. Trudy did a punch front flip and landed crouched behind the second knight, slamming both hands into the back of its knee joints, which flew out. The knight crumpled and fell to the ground. Trudy was up in a flash and grabbed the knight’s shield, which she spun and flung like a Frisbee. It caught the last knight in the chest, causing it to stumble a step backward, trip, and fall on the ground.

  Trudy took two steps toward Merlin.

  “Before you do anything too rash, maybe you want to see this.” Merlin flipped up the visors of the two smaller suits of armor that were standing at his sides.

  Unlike the other knights, these two helmets contained faces: Static and David. And then Jack realized that of course Merlin would have planned this—he was using their own friends against him. Well, technically he was using one of Jack and Trudy’s friends. And Static was also there.

  “How do we know they aren’t just dummies?” Jack asked.

  “Well, they are dummies. But I’m presuming that you want to hear my hostages speak?” Merlin twirled a finger and pressed a few buttons, which allowed David and Static to move their jaws and tongues.

  “You know the way you said it was all going to come collapsing down?” David said. “I think that may have happened. Sorry.”

  Jack smiled at his friend’s apology. “Don’t worry about that, David; we’re here to help you pick up the pieces.”

  Static looked even more sheepish. “It appears that I’ve been captured by the bad guys—but that happens to heroes all the time, doesn’t it?”

  “Well, yes,” agreed Trudy, “but generally they rescue themselves rather than having to wait for someone else to save their sorry behinds.”

  “Ahh,” Static said. “Well, in that case I’d be grateful if you don’t mention this incident if Edwyn comes and interviews you for the new Static autobiography he’s working on.”104

  Trudy stood with her hands on her hips. “What’s next, Merlin? Your suits of armor are too slow to defeat us. Even if you’ve captured our friends, you aren’t going to find us quite as easy to vanquish.”

  Merlin considered for a moment. He glanced up in the air at the dragon, rubbing his chin. “I think that we can solve this easily.” Merlin turned and punched at his console once more. David started moving forward; his eyes registered bewilderment.

  “Do you really think David’s going to be able to defeat me?” Trudy asked.

  Merlin pretended to be confused for a minute. “Do I expect David to be able to defeat you? No, not at all, my dear. I expect David to be able to die.”105

  Jack’s face fell as he realized what was happening. Merlin was using his magnetic powers to force David to walk toward the castle wall. David took a step up onto the ramparts and lifted one leg over.

  * * *

  MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK

  INVENTORS

  INSIDE-OUT INVENTIONS

  Inventors often claim to be the most creative of all humans and expect to be rewarded as such. Although this can sometimes be true, it is amazing how many inventions are just inside-out versions of other inventions.

  The most obvious example of this is the bath, which is nothing more than an inside-out boat. However, this is far from the only incidence of the inside-out invention. The sunlamp is nothing more than an inside-out oven. The television is just an inside-out cinema projector, and the filing cabinet is just an outside-in bulletin board.

  Therefore, if you want to come up with an invention and make your fortune, just take an existing invention and turn it inside out.

  * * *

  42

  WHEN EVEN THE BEST CHOICE IS AWFUL

  “Stop!” Jack sho
uted. “We give up!”

  Merlin pressed a button on the control panel. David stepped back from the edge of the castle. Merlin then made him turn around and walk back.

  “Thanks for that, Jack. I’m pretty sure that while armor’s good for protecting from swords, it’s not as helpful in a falling situation. Did you know that they didn’t fit these things with airbags? Which seems like an oversight as far as I’m concerned.”

  Jack couldn’t help laughing. Even though David had been literally one step away from death, it hadn’t seemed to affect his oddness.

  Trudy was still in a fighting stance. “What now?”

  Jack put his hands up in the air. “I think the only thing we can do is surrender. As long as Merlin has control of Static and David, we can’t risk their lives.”

  Trudy clenched her fists harder for a second, but then her entire body sagged as she raised her hands up in the air. “I sort of agree with you. We can’t risk one of their lives.”

  “Mean,” Static muttered to himself, knowing exactly what Trudy had meant.

  Merlin clapped. “You see? I always win.”

  “You don’t always win,” Jack snapped. “King Arthur banished you, didn’t he?”

  The smile faded from Merlin’s face and was replaced with a snarl. “Oh, you found out about that, did you?”

  “We know all about you, Merlin.”

  “You clearly don’t. If you knew all about me, you would have run and hidden. You would have tried to save your own lives. But it’s far too late for that now.” Merlin’s nimble fingers ran across the brass control panel. The gauntlets that David and Static had been wearing shot off their hands and hurtled through the air. A pair each grabbed Jack and Trudy by their wrists and pinned them to the internal wall of the tower. Their feet barely touched the ground. Merlin’s hand danced across the console once more. The metal boots that David and Static wore were wrenched from their feet and flew toward Jack and Trudy. When they were a foot away they spun in the air and stamped down on Jack and Trudy’s feet, pinning them in place.