by Paul Gamble
Trudy turned her neck to look at Jack. “I don’t suppose your ‘half a plan’ covers this either.”
“As it turns out, it might only have been a quarter of a plan.”
Merlin laughed. “What do you two know of plans? A week isn’t long enough to plan anything. I have been planning my revenge on King Arthur for hundreds of years. That’s planning.”
“I’m sorry to have to spoil this for you, Merlin, but you’ve made a mistake.”
“That’s brave talk for a boy who’s pinned to a wall and completely at my mercy.”
“It is, isn’t it?” said Jack. “But I don’t think you’ll get your revenge on King Arthur.”
Merlin’s face lit up with anger. “Why not?”
“Well, mainly because I’m pretty sure King Arthur’s been dead for ages. I mean really ages—he was just a man—so he had rather a short lifespan. If you knew where he was buried we could dig him up, I suppose, but I’m pretty sure he’d be nothing but dust by now.”
Trudy agreed. “Jack’s right. And he probably smells awful. I mean, is it really worth getting your revenge if you have to spend all your money on air freshener afterward?”
“Very funny, you two,” said Merlin, relaxing.
“I thought it was,” Jack agreed.
“I know Arthur is dead. That is why I am going to have my revenge on his kingdom.”
Jack whispered to Trudy. “This is the part where he gloats; they always gloat.”
“Also, are you beginning to wonder how Merlin’s managed to live so long?” Trudy whispered back. “Shouldn’t he have died about the same time as King Arthur?”
“I’m going to kill everyone in England and Wales,” Merlin said smugly. “It took me hundreds of years to hatch this plan. And hundreds more to put it into operation.”
“We know that Excalibur is Atlantean technology—an antenna that sends out waves of magnetism from your lodestone,” Trudy said.
Merlin smiled as he thought of the stone. “That stone started everything for me. Funny that the legends got it so wrong and thought it was the sword that was important. It’s the most powerful natural piece of lodestone in the world. Of course, it wasn’t enough by itself. It was incredibly impractical to cart around an enormous stone and sword everywhere. And every time we stopped, someone wanted to try to pull out the sword to become king. It became very boring.”
“I can imagine,” Jack sympathized. “And that’s when you came up with the idea for electricity pylons.”
“It’s amazing how gullible people are, isn’t it?”
“In what way?” asked Trudy.
“Well, electricity pylons. They’re a dead giveaway that I was up to something. Imagine how stupid people were to believe they were really there just to carry electricity. I mean, electricity is deadly. So why on earth would you carry it in lines hung above people’s heads where the wind and storms could get at it?”
“But you didn’t want to bury the electricity lines in the ground because that would have blocked the magnetic force.”
“Exactly! It was all powered by the stone, of course, but metal lines are perfect for carrying the magnetic waves. If you put the right kind of charge through a wire, it’ll cause a magnetic field.”
“And the console?” Jack nodded to the console behind Merlin.
“Ah, yes. The queen of Atlantis built it for me. They really were the most advanced people, you know.”
“So the entire electricity network was built by you?” asked Trudy.
“Not at all, not at all. Sometimes it does carry electricity. That’s how I persuaded governments across the world to use the system.”
“But you can switch it to carry either electricity or magnetic waves?”
“Precisely. It’s all taken such a long time. But it will be worth it to have my revenge. I spent years trying to find that stone after Arthur buried it in Ireland. I hired archaeologists; I tried everything. But I had no luck—until I discovered that Blackbeard and his pirates were digging under the ground of Ireland, and then the queen of Atlantis asked for my help with an enormous drilling operation. With all those other digging operations it was only a matter of time before I found the stone.”
Trudy tried to wriggle her wrist free of where the gauntlet had her pinned, but couldn’t move it as much as an inch. “But if you want to take revenge on King Arthur’s kingdom, why are there electricity pylons all over the world? Couldn’t you just have them in Northern Ireland, England, and Wales?”
Merlin smiled slowly, clearly enjoying the moment. “Well, yes, Trudy—my first aim is to destroy Arthur’s kingdom. My second aim is to take over the world. Before, I wanted to be king of the Britons. But now, well, emperor of the world seems like a much more satisfying title, don’t you think?”
Jack’s arms were beginning to hurt. Surrendering was a lot more physically painful than he realized, but his curiosity gland was working overtime as usual. “Listen, thanks for clearing up a lot of our questions. Just one more thing—how are you actually planning to destroy King Arthur’s kingdom?”
Merlin pointed over the side of the battlement walls. Jack craned his neck to look. The castle was surrounded by hordes of people standing all the way down to the sea. Jack could just make out his parents standing with their picnic on the ground at their feet. They seemed dazed and unmoving, clearly under Merlin’s control. A cold shiver ran down Jack’s spine.
“Over the last number of years I have been genetically engineering foods to create allergic reactions in people. You must have noticed that? Years ago people were only ever allergic to grass—and yet these days there are hundreds of allergies—peanuts, wheat, cat hair, shellfish, gluten.…”
“Yeah,” Jack agreed. “There was a guy in our class whose parents told him he was allergic to gluten. Which was odd, because he didn’t even know what gluten was. So how could he have been allergic to it?”
Merlin ignored the interruption and carried on. “Everyone started worrying about their diet and started eating health food. I introduced Mr. M health foods, fortified with iron. Which allows me to control them using the lodestone and control panel…”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know all this.” Trudy faked a yawn.
Merlin frowned. “Very clever, aren’t you. But thanks to my plans, and causing that boy at your school to have such a newsworthy and outlandish allergic reaction to peanuts—everyone in Northern Ireland has been eating my iron-infused foods this past week.” Merlin pressed a sequence of buttons on the control panel. The front rank of the massed crowd outside the castle took a small step forward and jumped a foot in the air. When they landed, their sheer numbers and weight caused the ground to shake and vibrate. Along the shoreline a wave appeared. It slowly raised itself to five feet in height as it plowed across the sea, rocking boats and capsizing two windsurfers.
“And that was the effect when only the front line of the crowd jumps. Imagine when everyone does it together.”
Jack realized what Merlin was going to do. “You’re going to create an earthquake.”
“An earthquake that causes a tidal wave,” Trudy said.
“And the penny drops at last.” Merlin pointed out at the crowd. “Half the population of Northern Ireland have come here today—because everyone wants to be famous in the movies. When I make them all jump at once it will cause a tidal wave a mile high that will cross the channel and destroy King Arthur’s land.”106
“But why?”
Merlin shrugged. “I’m really a very bitter man. I thought you’d have picked up on that by now.”
Trudy grimaced and pulled against her restraints. “But you’ve made the classic supervillain mistake—you’ve explained your plot to us.”
Merlin grinned. “Not at all. You see the classic mistake is when villains explain their plot and then leave the heroes to escape.”
“But you just did that!”
Jack turned his head toward Trudy. “Actually, I don’t think he has.”
“What?”
“I mean, we’re pretty much at his mercy. And I imagine he’s going to kill us now.”
“Well, yeah,” Trudy agreed. “But this is exactly the time when you come up with one of your ideas that saves our lives and thwarts the villain.”
Jack sagged a little in his restraints. “I really don’t think that’s going to happen this time. I’m afraid I’m a bit like one of those bank ads.”
“What?” Trudy and Merlin both asked together.
Jack swiveled his head, trying to look at both of them. “You know, they have that disclaimer—past performance is not a guarantee of future results.”
“You really are very annoying, you know that?” Merlin said.
“I’ve told him,” Trudy said. “It doesn’t seem to have any effect.”
“He isn’t annoying,” David said, still unable to move. “He’s my best friend.”
“I think I’d side with the girl on this one. He does seem very annoying to me,” Merlin said. “And that’s why I’m going to finish you off before I destroy Arthur’s kingdom and then use my portable human-earthquake/tidal-wave machine to take over the world.”
“Right,” Jack muttered. “Lesson to be learned there: Being annoying isn’t a good thing.”
Trudy turned to Jack. “I’m not sure that it’ll be a very helpful lesson when we’re dead.”
“Very perceptive of you, young lady.” Merlin pressed a button on the console. The swords suddenly leapt from two of the knight’s hands and spun through the air, flying, powered by nothing other than magnetic force.
They spun and flew through the air. Right at Jack’s and Trudy’s heads.
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
ARCHAEOLOGISTS
THE FICTION AND THE REALITY
It should be noted that archaeologists are not the way that they are often portrayed in films. Which is a shame, really, because the world would be a lot more exciting if they were.
The first point about archaeologists is that they don’t wear fedoras and leather jackets or carry bullwhips.107
While that would be a fairly impressive look, it would not be very practical. First off, archaeologists spend all their time in muddy trenches, and you can’t just put a leather jacket in a clothes dryer. If an archaeologist wore a leather jacket, they’d have to find King Solomon’s mines every other week just to be able to afford their dry-cleaning bill. Secondly, a lot of their work takes place outdoors, sometimes in deserts or jungles. Therefore, a real archaeologist who insisted on wearing a leather jacket all the time would end up taking part in adventures called Indiana Jones108 and the Sudden Onset of Heatstroke.
Finally, archaeologists rarely come across bulls, and even if they did they probably wouldn’t whip them. After all, stumbling across a bull in a field is a terrifying enough experience without trying to make the bull really, really annoyed.
* * *
43
CERTAIN DEATH
The swords were an inch from Jack’s and Trudy’s eyes when Merlin pressed a button on the brass console and they stopped and hung in the air. The tip of the sword was right in front of Jack’s eye. “Umm, shouldn’t I be wearing a pair of safety goggles or something?”
Trudy stared at the sharp point in front of her eye. “Let’s really try to avoid antagonizing Merlin, okay, Jack?”
“Have you seen the error of your ways? Decided that there’s no point in taking revenge on a long-dead king?” Jack asked Merlin.
Merlin shook his head slowly. “I’ve been in the revenge business for centuries now.”109
“You’re looking remarkably well, considering,” observed Trudy. “You must have really good medical care. Can you give me the name of your doctor?”
“A lot of people seem to be in the revenge business,” Jack said, “but surely forgiveness is a better business. With forgiveness there’s the possibility of getting repeat customers. I mean, wiping out complete groups of people—you’re going to get bad feedback. A lot of negative reviews and thumbs-down.”
“Enjoy your jokes. But I am an expert at revenge and that’s the reason I paused the swords. You see, I just had a thought.” A grin spread across Merlin’s face.
Jack turned to Trudy. “I’m guessing we’re really not going to like this thought.”
“You think?”
Merlin pressed the buttons on the console, and David and Static began walking along the red carpet toward Jack and Trudy.
“Guys, I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize in advance,” David shouted.
“Try to resist,” Jack called back.
“I’d also like to add my apology to David’s,” agreed Static. “I’m pretty sure whatever Merlin’s going to make us do, it won’t be very heroic.”
A look of strain appeared on both David’s and Static’s faces as they tried to fight against Merlin’s magnetic control. Their feet dragged along the red carpet as they tried to resist taking each step. “Keep resisting, by all means; it makes it all the more entertaining. Revenge is best when it’s personal.” Merlin laughed as he turned dials on the control panel.
Seconds dragged out into minutes, but although David and Static struggled as best they could, ultimately they found themselves standing in front of Jack and Trudy.
Merlin was playing with the control panel once more. David lifted his arm and slapped Jack across the face.
“Sorry!” David apologized.
Jack’s face was warm and he was angry, but not with David. He was angry with Merlin. Being an evil, revenge-focused scientist who wanted to destroy a country that had rejected him as king was one thing, but there was absolutely no reason to be mean. “Merlin, is this what you’re all about? Bullying children?” Jack could feel the red handprint on his face.
“Jack, you know what I’m about. Revenge. Can you imagine a better way of my getting revenge on you than making your best friend beat you up?”
“As a matter of fact, I can.”
Merlin was taken aback. “I’ve been at this for more than a millennium and you presume to tell me you could come up with a better idea.”
“Rather than getting this David guy to just slap me, you could get my best friend to actually kill me.”
“Your best friend?” Merlin enquired. “You mean the girl?”
“Not the girl,” Jack said quickly.
“I swear, Jack, if we get out of this, I’m going to give your shoulder such a punching for referring to me as ‘the girl.’”
Jack ignored Trudy and kept on talking. “If I was trying to get revenge, I’d use my best friend and force them to push the button that would make the floating swords kill us. That way you’d be using our friend as well as involving the machinery that we were going to try and stop you from using.”
Merlin didn’t speak for a minute. “That would be cold, wouldn’t it?” He turned his head slightly and considered Jack. “Why are you telling me this?”
Jack hung his head. “Because it’s over. I’m fed up with your gloating. Why do villains always have to gloat? Just … just finish it.”
“All right, I can be merciful. And it is a nice ironic revenge. But if the clumsy one isn’t your best friend and the girl isn’t either, then…”
“THE GIRL IS CALLED TRUDY!” Trudy shouted.
Merlin ignored her and continued, “… then who is your best friend?”
Jack looked up. “Static, of course. He’s a bona fide superhero.”
“Superhero?”
“I am a superhero,” Static agreed. “That much is certainly true. I have merchandise and everything.”
Trudy was about to say something, but Jack quickly shushed her. “Look at him! Can’t you see he’s wearing a superhero costume under his armor?”
Merlin nodded. “Actually, I did notice there was something strange earlier. He seemed to have a cloak and costume made out of school shirts.”
“And I’ve got a hundred
-percent-polyester leotard on. I made almost all of it myself. Although my mum helped me blind-stitch the inside hems; otherwise they chafe something shocking,” Static admitted.
“All right, let’s not get too distracted. Remember, today is about my revenge—not about your nonsense.” Merlin turned back to his console and pressed buttons that made Static start walking back along the red carpet.
“Jack, I’m sorry about this. I always suspected you worshiped me. But don’t worry; I’m pretty sure that I can resist the magnetic forces if I try really, really hard.” Static started making groaning and moaning noises as he fought against the power of Merlin’s magnetic machine. His struggles seemed to slow his movement, causing his polyester-socked feet to drag inch by inch, but he could not resist entirely.
He was less than a foot away from the machine. Merlin pointed at another button. “Now if I press this button, you will press that button, and your friends will die as the swords are driven into their heads.”
Static’s hand was shaking as it stretched out. “Jack, Trudy, sorry about this. I will avenge you.”
Trudy gulped as she looked at the shining steel point hanging right in front of her face. Jack had never seen her look this nervous.
“Static will return in The Revenge of Static!” Static shouted.
Trudy couldn’t help laughing. Jack was pleased that she wasn’t nervous anymore.
“You know what, Jack? I’m glad we’re going to be killed. Because if Static had saved the day he’d have been absolutely impossible to live with.”
Jack’s face twisted into a half smile. “In that case, I’ve got some really bad news for you.”
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
THE REASON SCIENCE WAS INVENTED
PEOPLE WANT TO LIVE FOREVER
If you ask scientists why science was invented, they will start talking about the “quest for knowledge and truth.” Which is clearly nonsense. The only reason for science to ever be invented was (a) people didn’t want to feel pain and (b) people didn’t want to die.