by Paul Gamble
Therefore, almost 2,500 years ago, the leaders of a small village ran tests to find out who among them was the smartest. The village leaders then said to the smart people, “Hey, guys, you are going to be the scientists—we want you to solve the problem of death and stop us from ever having to feel pain.” The smart people felt very proud and immediately began working on the problem, sure they would have it finished before the end of the week.
If you go and speak to the scientists today to see how they’re getting on with it, they’re likely to respond with, “Yeah, um, yeah, we’re still working on that. Looks like it’s taking slightly longer than we thought it would.…”
* * *
44
A SHOCKING CLIMAX
“What do you mean?” Trudy’s face fell. “Please don’t tell me…”
“Yeah, my ‘half a plan’ is now a whole plan. Sorry!” Jack apologized.
Static’s shaking hand was less than half an inch above the button that would cause Jack’s and Trudy’s deaths. Suddenly there was an enormous crack and a blue bolt sparked from Static’s finger, hitting the metal console.
“What was that?” Merlin cried.
The small blue bolt of static electricity from Static’s finger caused a chain reaction. Electrical sparks started showering out from the console. It spat and fizzed and burst into flames.
The metal gauntlets and boots that had been holding Jack and Trudy in place fell away and they collapsed to the ground. Merlin was staring over the wall. The crowds of people were turning to each other, confused and suddenly able to move again.
“I expect you’ll want an explanation, Merlin?” Jack asked.
“What did you do? Some kind of Atlantean technology?”
“You defeated yourself, Merlin. You pulled the metal boots off Static and David to hold us against the wall. But you didn’t realize that Static’s costume is made of pure polyester, so it builds up high-powered static shocks.”
Static nodded. “And then when I was resisting your magnetic forces it caused my feet to slowly drag along the fluffy red carpets. Thus building up the largest static shock I’ve ever used. Jack and I planned it all along.”
Jack sighed. “Just to clarify, Static had no idea what was going on. I only came up with the idea less than a minute ago.”
Static’s face fell and he turned toward Jack to remonstrate. “Come on, Jack, we’re best friends. Best friends are supposed to be supportive.”
Trudy laughed. Jack sighed again. “Static, we aren’t best friends. I was lying about that as well so that Merlin would use you to press the button.”
“Oh,” said Static as this realization dawned on him. “Oh … this being a hero thing is very emotionally hurtful sometimes.”
Trudy was flexing her arms, trying to get the blood flowing in them after being pinned to the wall. “Now, Merlin, you’re going to learn what a Ministry operative can do using The Speed.”
Merlin shook his head. “I’m afraid not. Remember, I have a Plan B. You may have saved King Arthur’s kingdom today, but I can gain my revenge on him another day. As for you—today you die.”
“Oh puleeassse, stop going on about people dying all the time,” groaned Jack. “You’re like a broken record with all this killing people.”
Merlin whistled into the air and the enormous black dragon turned effortlessly and started flying toward the castle.
Trudy took a step backward. “But without the control panel…”
“I learned a lot from the Atlanteans about science. I used the magnetic boulder and control panel to control people, knights, and cars. But it’s always good to have a backup.” Merlin sneered. “My animatronic dragon is sonically activated.” Merlin whistled again and the dragon turned in the air, hovering and staring down at them.110
Jack smiled. “This is the half part of the plan that I had prepared.”
“Well, get on with it then,” said Trudy.
Jack spoke directly to Merlin. “You’ve called your reinforcements; now we call ours.… CTHULHU!”
Suddenly in the air beside Jack, a glowing green slash with a black center appeared. The interdimensional monster Cthulhu stepped out of it. He screeched loudly.
Merlin took a step backward. “You have Cthulhu on your side?… But he’s an interdimensional monster with near-unlimited power who longs to watch the world being slowly destroyed.”
“Yes,” Jack agreed. “But he’s OUR interdimensional monster with near unlimited power who longs to watch the world being slowly destroyed. Also, you tore up some of his files. And that didn’t make him desperately happy.”
Merlin looked at the dragon, which had circled and was closing in. He regained his composure. “Even if he is an interdimensional monster, he can still burn. DRAGON—INCINERATE THEM!”
Jack spoke quickly to Cthulhu. “Did you bring them with you?”
Cthulhu nodded and gestured with a bony claw toward the dimensional rift. Dozens of robot vacuum cleaners poured out of it and surrounded Cthulhu.
“That’s not fair!” Merlin complained. “Those are my vacuum cleaners.”
“Were your vacuum cleaners,” Jack corrected. “The Ministry reprogrammed them. And without your magnetic control panel there’s nothing you can do to stop them.”
For the first time, Merlin was looking worried. He looked to the sky and was relieved to see the dragon was less than a hundred yards away. “It’s over for you meddling kids. Vacuum cleaners can’t defeat a dragon!”
Jack really hoped they could. He turned to the vacuum cleaners. “Okay, vacuum cleaners. Aim … and FIRE!”
The dragon was just overhead, and its vast canyon of a mouth opened to cover them in flame. The vacuum cleaners lifted their nozzles and switched from suck to blow. They sprayed what looked like millions of pellets into the dragon’s mouth.
The pellets seemed to have no effect whatsoever. There was a click from deep inside the dragon’s belly. Merlin smiled as he waited to see his enemies barbecued.
And waited. And waited.
Suddenly the dragon seemed to explode from the inside out. There was no fire, but rivets and panels from its animatronic insides shot outward and its metal and plastic body was ripped apart. Sections of metal and joints were falling to the ground as the dragon fell to pieces. There was also something that looked like large, white snowflakes falling through the air.
“What? What is this?” Merlin screamed.
Jack held out a hand, caught one of the “large snowflakes,” and popped it into his mouth. “Popcorn. We got the vacuum cleaners to suck up all the corn you left in the grain container on our playing fields. Then they fired it into the dragon’s mouth just as the flame was about to come out. Imagine ten tons of popcorn suddenly being exploded in what quite clearly was only a three-ton dragon.” Jack stepped forward and kicked the head of the ruined dragon. “And now, Trudy, I believe you wanted to show Merlin what a Ministry agent could do using The Speed.”
Trudy patted Jack on the back. “Actually, I’ve had a better idea.” Trudy pointed at a line of birds on a nearby pylon line. “Merlin’s magnetic console is broken now—so those birds won’t be confused anymore by magnetic power flowing through the lines. Right?”
“Yes, they’ll probably fly away soon looking for some food.”
“Food’s what I was thinking of.”
“What are you two talking about?” Merlin raged.
“What I’m asking is, is there any corn left in the vacuums?”
Jack smiled and realized what Trudy was suggesting. “Probably—you want to…?”
Trudy pointed at Merlin. “Vacuums, FIRE!”
The vacuum cleaners obediently showered Merlin with unpopped corn kernels. He shielded his face as the pellets bit into him. “Is that the best you can do?” asked Merlin.
Trudy said nothing, but merely pointed. Merlin turned and looked to see what Trudy was indicating. Hundreds of birds had noticed the pile of corn that was covering Merlin and lying at his feet. Th
ey took off as a mass flock and dived toward him, pecking, poking, jabbing, and nibbling at him.
“Arghhh!” Merlin thrashed his arms, trying to shoo the birds away, but it merely seemed to excite them. He stumbled backward as they tore his robe to shreds. He tripped, catching his knee on the battlements, and then fell off the castle.
Jack breathed in sharply. “That’s going to hurt.”
“He deserved it. He kidnapped my mother.”
Suddenly Jack and Trudy felt a hand on their shoulders and turned to see Static. “We saved the world.”
Trudy shook her head. “No, Static, we saved the world.”
“Now, Trudy,” Static said firmly, “I think you’ll find that bloke in the red robe was going to take over the world with the machine that I destroyed with a static shock.… So, if anything—I saved the world. But I’m big enough to grant you both an assist.”
Jack sighed. “WE saved the world.”
“Sometimes,” Trudy said, “I suspect the world is not enough.”
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
DRAGONS
THE DANGERS OF SNACKING
It should be noted that although the prevailing opinion these days is that dragons are “pretty cool,” the truth is that they used to be a frightful nuisance. If you lived in a part of a kingdom that had a dragon infestation, you would be in for a truly awful time of it, generally speaking. Damsels would be kidnapped; treasure would be stolen; and sheep, goats, and other cattle would be eaten whole.
It would be nice to try to pretend that dragons were vanquished by the heroics of a group of strong and brave knights. As usual, the truth is vastly different. In fact, if there were league tables for dragons’ battles against knights, it would rapidly become clear that the knights were at a distinct disadvantage.
There are various reasons for this, but the major one is simply that as an outfit for fighting dragons, shiny metal armor is worse than useless. First, shiny metal armor makes you easy to spot as a dragon flies overhead. Therefore, you lose any chance of a surprise attack. Second, as we all know, dragons breathe fire, and metal conducts heat incredibly well. Attacking a dragon in full plate armor is basically the equivalent of a turkey wrapping itself in aluminum foil before running into the oven. Finally, as has been stated previously, dragons love snacking. And as we all know, the best snacks are those that are crunchy on the outside and soft on the inside. So, when a dragon saw a knight it tended not to think of him as a mortal and dangerous enemy, but rather as an appetizer.
It is not an exaggeration to say that at one stage it looked as if humans were fighting a losing battle on the dragon front until Sir Jonley the Late turned up. Of course, he turned up late as always, because that was his name. Sir Jonley was a vain knight and always took his time getting ready for battles, because he wanted to get his hair111 just right in case there were any comely damsels in attendance.
It turns out, showing up late gave Sir Jonley a distinct advantage, as it meant he had time to see what everyone else had done wrong and change his battle plan appropriately. After turning up late to a massed battle against a particularly ferocious dragon, Sir Jonley noted that the creature seemed to be completely impervious to arrows, spears, and swords, largely because of its rock-hard scales. He also noted how the dragon appeared to burp on his food before chewing it—clearly enjoying roasted snacks.
Sir Jonley rightly came to the conclusion that a creature that spent so much time burping was clearly one that should be attacked from the inside. After all, no weapon was going to get through its thick hide. He also surmised that the fiery inside of a dragon would be an ideal location to try to place some explosives.
His first attempt was to cover a range of sheep in gunpowder, but this proved to be ineffective, as gunpowder is not pleasant-tasting, and so the dragon merely spat out the poor sheep before any explosion happened.
Sir Jonley went back to the drawing board, trying to come up with an explosive that would appeal as a snack and would also taste nice when roasted. Sir Jonley consulted with the wisest people in the kingdom and discovered that you can make dynamite using extracts from peanuts. Once he had done this, Sir Jonley the Late was armed with an explosive that was delicious when roasted as well as being nutritious.
At the time a particularly vicious dragon, Owen the Terrible, was ravaging the coast of Queen Alisha’s kingdom. Sir Jonley the Late made himself a fake knight-shaped decoy, stuffed the peanut-flavored dynamite inside, and waited for Owen the Terrible to come and devour it, hopefully causing it to explode upon its first burp.
Sir Jonley’s plan was amazingly effective, and after the dragon was dead Queen Alisha asked Sir Jonley to marry her immediately. Sir Jonley said that though he appreciated the offer, frankly he wasn’t interested in marrying anyone until he managed to get the dragon guts out of his hair.
* * *
EPILOGUE
Those of you of a nervous disposition will be glad to know that Merlin had fallen over the edge of the castle that borders on the water; and so, apart from being covered from head to toe in small peck marks, and being rather wet, he survived largely unhurt.
Static was initially very upset that Trudy and Jack refused to acknowledge that they should technically be his sidekicks. Unsurprisingly, Static became so obnoxious that Jack had to physically restrain Trudy from pushing him over the battlements. “Oh, come on, Jack, he might land on top of Merlin and that would be a win-win.”
However, Static was quickly distracted when he realized that half the population of Northern Ireland was standing outside Carrickfergus Castle, feeling slightly confused and also very hungry, since they had been mainly eating health food for the past week. This, coupled with the fact that Static had access to an almost unlimited supply of popcorn, sparked his entrepreneurial spirit. Static quickly found himself a small supply of plastic bags, scooped out the insides of the dragon, and wandered around the crowds selling “Dragonfire” brand popcorn. Static was so successful that he was able to employ a professional costume designer to create his next superhero outfit.
Grey turned up and, with Cthulhu’s help, dragged Merlin out of the sea. Merlin shouted and promised he would get his revenge. Jack said that he wasn’t desperately worried, as given Merlin’s track record they would be dead for a very long time before he actually got around to doing anything.
* * *
David discovered that wearing a suit of armor helped protect him from getting very bad bruises when he bumped into things and fell over. However, he also quickly discovered that when he fell over wearing armor, he was unable to get back on his feet and ended up just rolling around on his back. This made him realize why no one has ever tried to train a squad of attack tortoises.
In order to stop the public from realizing exactly what had happened, Ministry operatives turned up and began spreading rumors among the crowd. A whisper travels through a crowd faster than prunes travel through an elderly person, and soon everyone was applauding the amazing special effects they had just seen. A few claimed that they had felt as if they were controlled by some strange force that had stopped them from moving—in fact, some claimed that the force had actually made them come to Carrickfergus and that they had never had any intention of being in the movie. However, this was easily explained when a story appeared in the newspapers the following week revealing that Mr. M health food had been discovered to be contaminated with mind-bending chemicals, and anyone who had any of this food in their houses should destroy it immediately.
Most people followed this advice immediately and went back to having an occasional Ulster Fry.112
* * *
The Minister considered many different ways of punishing Merlin, but it was difficult to come up with something suitable in the modern world for a man who hated everyone and dressed in what looked like a wizard’s outfit. In the end it was decided to sentence Merlin to become a children’s entertainer for the next sixty years.113 Unfortunately, it is suspected that h
aving to deal with small groups of six-year-olds each day for the next sixty years will make Merlin have such a miserable time that the negative emotions may mean that he will eventually become immortal.
* * *
Jack and Trudy were sitting on the edge of the castle battlements, relaxing and looking out to the sea, when Jack’s parents walked up to them. “Something very strange has been going on here,” Jack’s father said.
Jack’s mother, however, was interested in other things. “Is this your friend Trudy that you’ve been talking about?”
Trudy jumped off the battlements and shook Jack’s parents’ hands. She was astonishingly polite, which rendered Jack speechless. “It’s lovely to meet you both.”
Jack desperately hoped his parents wouldn’t say anything to embarrass him. Sadly, he hoped this in vain. His father nudged his mother in the ribs before speaking to Trudy: “Are you Jack’s girlfriend, then?”
A wicked look spread across Trudy’s face. “Only in his imagination.”
Jack’s face turned bright red and he tried to change the subject. “What are you going to do now, Trudy?”
“I’m going home, Jack. I’m going home to do a jigsaw puzzle with my mother.”
“I hate jigsaw puzzles.”
“Yeah, me too,” Trudy said with the largest-ever smile on her face.
Jack smiled too—although he couldn’t help being slightly worried that his future was going to be very strange, unusual, and impossible indeed.
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
BALLOON ANIMALS
IMPORTANT SAFETY TIPS
It is important to get things the right way around.
If you take a balloon and twist it into the shape of a dog, you will get a round of applause from people.
If, however, you try it the other way around, you will get a dog bite. Which isn’t as much fun and also has the potential to go septic.