Kiss Me Already

by Sally Henson

  After I dropped her off from Tobi’s party—after our fight or whatever that was—I was a mess. As I ran down the path when I sneaked back over to her house, just the thought of seeing her again had me back on track. When I peeked through her window, all I wanted to do was crawl through, curl around her, and tell her I was sorry.

  When she gave in and came outside, my stupid pride took over. I don’t know why I started a fight. At that point, I didn’t even care about who did or didn’t do what anymore. And then she went over the top with a guitar for my birthday? I mean that’s crazy. She spent the money she’s been saving for college on me.

  Our time together has been less than either of us would like. Her volleyball schedule is getting on my nerves. Every other weekend she has a tournament or something. This job helps me keep my mind busy enough that I'm not consumed with thinking about her all the time. Plus, I’m saving to get her something extra special for her birthday or Christmas, but I don’t know what that is yet. Whatever it is, it won’t come close to her or the guitar.

  “Dude!” Jayce punches my shoulder. “You've been sitting here for thirty minutes and haven't said a word or taken a bite of your food.” My roommate and I and a couple of guys from his band have grabbed some Chinese take-out and are sitting on the quad. “What are you looking at?”

  I clear my throat. “Guess I zoned out.” I haven't heard a word they've been saying.

  One of the guys asks, “Who is she?”

  “Huh?” They wanted to come here to look at girls and talk about some gigs they were getting. I have someone more important on my mind.

  “What's her name?” I scowl at his question. “The girl you're daydreaming about.” Joe needs to leave it alone.

  “Regan.” Ross rats me out, wriggling his eyebrows up and down. I decide to eat my cold food and try to ignore their words.

  “Regan … that's a hot name.” My muscles tense. Joe better shut it or I'll do it for him.

  Jayce snubs him. “You think every girl name’s hot.”

  Ross laughs. “That's for sure.”

  The banter continues, but it moves to Joe and not Regan and me. I try to keep my mind in the present, but it's hard.

  I check the time. “Hey, I have a thing. I'll see you back at the dorm.” I nod to Ross. “Later.” I give a two-finger wave to the rest of the guys in the band.

  When I'm back at the dorm, I heat up my food and quickly finish eating so I can call her.

  21

  Regan

  Lane's work schedule has changed. For the second week in a row, he’s not coming, because of work. He can’t help it if his boss is making him work this weekend, I guess. I’m trying not to be mad. It’s probably not his fault, but it feels like I never get to see him, and I only get to talk to him once or twice a week.

  Not only that, I had already opted us out of any group plans this weekend. Lane’s exact words were “You and me, no one else. They’re not invited.” We were going to meet up at Tobi’s and have a secret date. Now they have plans of their own. At lunch today, Tobi invited me to be the third wheel on her date with Rex. Cameron has hardly spoken to me since he announced that he and Haylee were dating. He’s mad at me for not telling him about Lane and me.

  I don't want to sit around all night and watch any of them play kissy-face anyway. I’ll just do homework. Maybe I can get a head start on some papers for my dual-credit courses.

  Volleyball practice is canceled for today, too. This means I'm stuck riding the bus home. After P.E., I extend kissy wishes for Tobi’s weekend and mope to the bus. I climb the steep steps and sink down onto my seat. With my eyes closed, I rest my head on the back of the seat and try to pretend I'm somewhere else. The roar of the engine and the bumpy ride don't allow much escape. Instead, I think about ways I could get my own car.

  If I had my own car and money, I could get a cell phone and drive to school every day and go see Lane anytime. Anytime I have free time, that is. Okay, anytime I could sneak away for hours and hours. Gee, I can’t even get a good daydream going right now.

  So, reality is … I can't get a job unless I have some way to get there. I can't get there if I don't have a car. I can't rely on using Mom's car because her schedule is never the same. I don't have a car because I don't have money to buy one. I don't have money to buy one because I don't have a job. And here I am back at the beginning.

  Unless one lives close enough to their employment that one can walk, one needs transportation to said employment. I shake my head, trying to clear this nonsense out. Maybe I'm teetering on the fence toward insanity. I snuff. Tobi would tell me I fell over the fence a long time ago. I smile and chuckle to myself when I realize Lane would too.

  The bus slows to my stop. I lug my heavy backpack off the bus and into the house. I need to get out of my funk. What good is it to wallow in my own self-pity? I need to clear my head and get rid of these teenage toxins that are starting to take over. The only way I know how to do that is to go for a run.

  I woke up early this morning and ran two miles. Last night, I went to bed early for a Friday. Yesterday ended up not being too bad after my run. It cleared my head so I could get some homework done. Today I'm determined to enjoy my solace. This morning has been super productive. After my run, I finished my homework in record time and have two hand-written rough drafts done for papers due next week. Yeah, I don’t have a computer. I even mowed the lawn. I've been like a machine.

  My mom volunteered me to babysit Lane’s sisters this afternoon. I normally don’t like when Mom volunteers me for stuff, but I want to stay busy and not miss Lane too much. Lilly and Leah are usually a handful, and I’m hoping they’ll be a good distraction.

  Right now, I'm sitting in Mrs. Cary's car, waiting for the twins to get out of dance practice. I brought a book with me and thought I’d read in the park while I waited for them. What am I actually doing? Sitting in the driver’s seat with Lane’s T-shirt smooshed against my face. I found it in the back when I opened the hatch for the girls to get their bags out. I threw it on the front passenger seat. Now I'm smelling it—smelling him. I’m so pathetic. Seeing his shirt in the back started bringing me down. The tick-tock of time paused, causing me to miss him like crazy.

  I should’ve called Mrs. Cary and told her I couldn't babysit. I know I could use the money. Lane’s guitar cost me half a month’s wages at the pool, but it was worth it. The girls have been great, better than they are with their parents around. It's just that being around the twins, in his house, with his stuff … I didn’t think it would affect me this much.

  The smell of him on his shirt is ripping me apart. Get it together before they come out and start asking questions. I throw Lane’s shirt in the back where I found it and pull my book out of my bag. Maybe separating myself from his smell on the shirt will bring me back to my senses.

  The girls want me to help them pick out their clothes for the movie when we get back to their house. I'm like, T-shirt and jeans—what else is there? They go back to the closet and look for something different.

  Lane's room is at the end of the hall. I stroll a few feet and lean against the frame of the door, looking around while the girls get ready. He keeps it clean, and it doesn't smell like a locker room either. On his plain cork bulletin board, he has his athletic letters from baseball and track pinned up. There's a picture of him fishing at the creek. I think I took that one on his phone.

  I step inside to get a closer look. My heart swells at the sight of an old picture of the two of us that’s in the corner of the board. I think I was in sixth grade that year. We're standing side by side, and my arms are folded across my chest, smiling like I'm embarrassed. Lane's maybe four or five inches taller than me. He has one arm on my shoulders and a hand on my crossed arm, pulling me closer for the picture. He's looking sideways at me, head tilted, with his dimples revealed. He’s such a ham. I don’t remember ever seeing this picture before.

  There's one more of us in the top corner. It’s practically the sa
me pose, only this time he's kissing the top of my head. This was taken my freshman year. These photos weren't here the last time I was in his room.

  I run my finger across the books in his bookcase that sits on top of his dresser. It's full of his favorites through the years. Oh, my gosh, Hank The Cowdog. I chuckle. Those books are so funny.

  His baseball glove's on the dresser. He keeps a baseball in the center of it with a rubber band around the outside. I slip my hand in the glove and lie on his bed. Pressing it to my nose, I breathe in slow motion the smell of leather. Memories of playing catch with Lane and my brother bubble up. I sigh and scan his room, seeing what he sees, curious as to what he thinks about as he lies here at night trying to go to sleep.

  The sound of giggles from the doorway startle me. I jump off the bed.

  “Girls! You scared me.” I struggle to gain my composure and my breath.

  “My brother likes you.” Leah giggles, and Lilly covers her toothy smile.

  I put Lane's glove back where I found it and smooth out his quilt cover. “Yeah, we're besties.”

  Lilly tries to cover Leah’s mouth, but she pushes her away. “No, he likes you, likes you.”

  “Oh, yeah?” I tickle their sides to change the subject. “You girls ready to go?” How do they know Lane likes me, likes me?

  We leave early enough that I can drive slow and safe. Mrs. Cary’s car is really nice for a mom car. Nicer than either of my parents’ cars; that’s for sure. I want to be extra careful with it and with the girls in here with me. We turn up the radio loud, though, so the girls can sing on our way to the movies. I sing with them and try to have fun and try not to miss Lane.

  Mrs. Cary gave me plenty of cash to buy tickets, popcorn, and drinks. The girls are excited to see some animated film that I’m sure is going to bore me to tears. We buy our tickets and I stuff them in my pocket. The girls are already at the food counter, picking out their candy. We end up with candy, drinks, and a big tub of popcorn. My hands are full.

  We could’ve bought a whole meal for the three of us at the diner for what these snacks and drinks cost. The girls lead the way to the ticket taker. The guy taking tickets smiles when we walk up. Crap, how am I going to get the tickets out of my pocket?

  He looks at the girls in front of me and then glances between them and me. “Are you having a girls’ day out?”

  They giggle. Lilly hides her face behind Leah. “Yeah, Regan’s a lot of fun.”

  He looks me up and down. “Regan, that’s a pretty name.”

  “Thanks.” I look down. The way he’s staring at me and talking is making me uncomfortable.

  He glances down at the girls again. “What movie are you going to see?”

  Leah rattles off the name of the movie. He tells her she’s going to love it, and he flirts with the girls, offering to set them up with his brother and a friend if they can get me to bring them over. I’ve didn’t know ticket takers were so talkative.

  “Regan, would you like to come back to the movies tonight? Or maybe next Friday?”

  I look up at him and swallow. My eyes are probably bugging out in shock.

  “I could get you free tickets.”

  This is awkward, especially in front of the girls. “No thanks. I sort of have a guy friend.”

  “Hmm. Tickets?” He holds his hand out for the tickets. “That’s too bad.”

  I shrug. “Our tickets are in my pocket.”

  His eyebrows shoot up and a big wolfish grin spreads across his lips. “Which pocket?” He looks at my jeans. “Would you like me to pull them out for you?”

  I frown and hand him my drink. “No.” I pull the tickets out of my pocket and hand them to creepy ticket-taker guy.

  “If you change your mind, I’ll be around all day. I’m Brian.” I grab my drink out of his hand. He looks down at Leah and Lilly. “You girls enjoy the movie.”

  I roll my eyes and herd these two giggly girls away, down the hall. I don’t remember giggling this much when I was their age.

  Leah looks up at me. “Lane’s not going to be happy that boy asked you out.” Lilly giggles.

  “He didn’t ask me out.” How do these girls even know what was going on? I barely figured it out for myself.

  Leah stops in the middle of the hallway, pushing her hip out to the side, and gives me a look of unbelief. “He was checking you out the whole time, Regan. He asked you to go to a movie with him tonight.”

  I look back and forth between them in unbelief. “Come on, let’s get our seats.”

  They giggle and walk on. They giggle at everything. It’s starting to get annoying.

  I was wrong about the movie boring me to tears. There were tears all right. Mine. But it wasn’t from boredom. Stupid, sappy, kiddy movie made me cry and miss Lane. I had to use the napkins I grabbed for our popcorn fingers to wipe my tears and blow my nose during the show. At one point, Lilly leaned over and comforted me.

  I keep sniveling on the way out to the car. When I finally get fed up with myself, I turn the blame on Lane for exposing this part of me that’s been hidden all my life. Every song on every radio station is some cheatin’-broken-heart love song.

  Why didn't he tell his boss he couldn't work this weekend? Only one weekend a month, that was supposed to be the deal when he was hired. Maybe he wanted to work this weekend, but didn't want to tell me. Maybe he wanted to take Johanna to watch the Music Mutts play. Ugh, don’t go there. Lane hasn’t mentioned her since he told me he saw her on campus.

  I have a game next Friday and a tournament Saturday. It's going to be two more weeks before I get to spend any serious time with him.

  There were plenty of pretty girls at the EIU football game we went to. My chest tightens. I release a growl and hit the steering wheel with my palm. “Jerk-face.” I hit the steering wheel again.

  “What's wrong?” Leah startles me. I forgot they were even in the car.

  I turn down the radio. “Sorry.” Great, how am I going to explain this one? Oh girls, I haven’t been able to kiss your brother this weekend and I’m having withdrawals. Yeah, I don’t think so.

  Leah peeks around the seat at me. “Are you okay?”

  I nod. “Yeah.”

  Lilly’s voice is smaller, quieter than her sister’s. “Who’re you calling jerk-face?”

  “Your brother,” blurts out of my mouth. The tone of my voice reveals my disgust.

  They both giggle. Leah pats my shoulder. “He’s a jerk-face to us sometimes, too.”

  It makes me chuckle. The tightness lessens. I wipe my eyes and sniff. “How about we stop for a slushy at the diner? My treat.” I'll drown my sorrows with a sour-grape slushy.

  We suck our drinks dry in the corner booth. There’s not much action in the diner this evening. I try to drag it out as long as I can. Leah’s entertaining and keeps me distracted, for the most part. But they’re getting hungry, which means I need to get them back to their house.

  Mrs. Cary invites me to stay for dinner. Even though I’m doubting Lane wants to be home with me, I want to be surrounded by him. And being in his house—surrounded by his family and his things—brings some sort of tortured comfort. I okay staying with Mom and help Mrs. Cary make dinner.

  After supper, I help Leah and Lilly clean up. We play Go Fish a couple of times. I even laugh. When the girls get ready for bed, I worry I’ll have to go home. Mrs. Cary makes me a cup of hot tea, and I sit on the sofa while she and Mr. Cary talk. I stare out the window into the darkness, thinking about the night when Lane and I almost got caught kissing by his parents. That seems so long ago.

  My shoulders drop and the insecurity seeps back into my heart. Unshed tears build up on my lower eyelids. It’s probably because I’m tired. That’s what I’m going to blame it on. Mrs. Cary offers to drive me home. She probably sees my tears forming. I'm not ready to leave yet, I want to feel Lane's life all around me.

  One thing went as planned today ... time did go fast, for the most part. My heart hurts as I lie here in
my bed. Would I feel like this if Lane and I had never admitted our feelings to each other? Would I be lying here in bed, tears dripping from my eyes because we’ve spent yet another week apart with no weekends? Staring at my ceiling, I think about earlier today when I lay on Lane’s bed with his baseball glove to my nose—curious as to what his thoughts will be as he lies in his dorm bed tonight.

  22

  Regan

  The rain is pounding on the cab of Lane’s truck. It and the hum of the engine is the only sound in the air. No background music from the radio. No song is being sung or tune being hummed. Our mood is as sullen as the wet, cloudy skies outside. Something feels off between us. Maybe it's me. I don't know exactly what it is or why.

  It’s been two weeks since we’ve seen each other. Volleyball occupied my time Friday night and all day yesterday, and I’ve had to share him with both our families today. His looming departure for school hangs over our heads. I miss him and he’s not even gone yet.

  The wipers provide the tempo of a sad melody forming in my mind as Lane drives slow … because it's raining … because our day is coming to an end.

  I lie on the bench seat with my head resting on his leg as he drives. My heart aches with every beat of life that flows inside me. Aching for more time with him, aching to know everything is okay between us. His job is taking our weekends. That and volleyball.

  Lincoln warned us. He said Lane’s coming home every weekend wasn’t going to happen. He said a lot of things. I don’t want him to be right.

  Lane's arm stretches across my chest with his hand at rest on my shoulder. A hint of his cologne lingers on the skin of his arm. It keeps my mind from drifting too far in the darkness of worry. My fingers lie clasped, still, heavy on my belly. Occasionally my toes keep beat with the wipers against the door.