Falling Into the Black

by Caitlin Ricci

  “Because you think I’m not strong enough to handle it?”

  I knew my lesson by now about trying to call him weak. “No. Because I know you can. But I want to protect you. I think you’ve got plenty of nightmares on your own without me adding to them.”

  “Who takes care of your nightmares for you, then?” he quietly asked me.

  I smiled at him and gave him a kiss. Being with him that night helped them go away.

  WE DROPPED off Katya around nine that night. We were all tired, and she was barely awake. Arin spoke with a few of the people on Zion, which had been made entirely into this one organization—the Zion Center for the Wellbeing of Children and Families. I was just going to call it Zion from then on.

  “Do you want him to come back with us?” Em asked me as we sat there waiting for Arin to get done. He was smiling, though I could tell from the lines in his back how tense he was.

  I shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know. Part of me does, but part of me knows that he would be happier here, with these people. He’d be safe here, but he insists that wherever I am is safe. And Asiq is safe. But it’s also very active, and a lot of strangers come through there. And if Monroe or Corbin don’t let him become security with us, then he won’t last another month as an aspasian. Maybe someday in the future he could be again, but he can’t be one now. It upsets him too much given what he’s been through recently.”

  Em just nodded along. “He has no experience, though, and no real training. Plus he’s a bit small. I can ask Corbin to strongly consider him, but if it was me, I wouldn’t trust him with Corbin’s security, and that’s a problem for me.”

  I knew what he meant. I wasn’t that comfortable with that idea either. “Then what do you suggest?”

  Em leaned back in his chair and looked over at me. “We’ve known each other for years, and I’ve never seen you hang on to anyone as tightly as you do with him. Stay here, with him. Don’t worry about me, or Asiq, or anything else. You love him, so stay where he is happiest and where you would be too.”

  “What about Asiq?” He’d said not to worry about it, but I also knew that he couldn’t be Asiq’s only security option.

  He shrugged. “It doesn’t matter to me right now. Try things out here. If you’re both miserable, come back to Asiq. Or go run away again and have another vacation. But don’t throw away a relationship with him just because you want him to be safe and happy. You’re not that selfless.”

  I snorted and got up to get the few things I’d brought together. “I’ll be back for my stuff in Asiq as soon as I can. Arin’s too.”

  “Sure you will. See you later.” Em gave me a wave, and I stepped off the ship with my bag slung over my shoulder.

  Arin caught sight of me as soon as I was free from the hanger doors, and he smiled at me as if he already knew what I was going to say. When I got closer, he offered me his hand, and I took it.

  “Blue, this is Resan,” he introduced me to a Denobelas man with long blue hair that was obviously dyed, not that any species that I knew of had turquoise as their natural hair color anyway. But I could see his black roots coming through. “Resan is my….”

  “Husband,” I said, offering Blue my free hand.

  Arin laughed and leaned into my side. “Yeah. I guess you still are. Blue was just about to give me the tour of the first of many areas they have here.”

  Blue nodded and let go of my hand. “I was. Resan, would you like to join us? Arin has told us a bit about his past and how you fit into his life’s history, and if you wanted to stay with us, we would welcome a peacekeeper to our organization.”

  Em started up his shuttle, and the wind whipped around us. Katya waved to him. I did as well. Then I considered what Blue had said. “Thank you, but for right now I’d rather not be a peacekeeper first. When Arin is settled and feels safe being here without me nearby, then I’ll consider joining you. Right now, though, my priority has to be him and his well-being.”

  Arin kissed me on my cheek, and I held him close. “I do too,” he mumbled against my ear, making me smile.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  Arin

  AFTER BOUNCING all over the universe in the past few months, I was glad to be considering a place to settle down for a while, though I couldn’t have said how long we would be staying there. When Resan was ready to go, I would be too. I knew I wouldn’t be staying there without him, under any circumstances. Him being there made me not need to look over my shoulder. The gardens were nice, the people smiled at us, and no one looked at me as if I was a snap of their fingers and a pile of credits away from getting on my knees for them, though there were plenty of people who looked me over. Many of them also gave their attention to Resan as well, though he seemed oblivious to the appreciative looks he was getting.

  There was fear there too when they looked at him. I took his hand to show them that he wasn’t someone they needed to worry about. He was a peacekeeper, and outside of these walls, I had the same fear of them that they did, but in here I knew he wouldn’t be checking their slave markings.

  “Are they all runaway slaves?” I quietly asked Blue.

  He nodded sadly. “And they likely have similar stories as yours. Go easy with them. All of them. Everyone here has a reason for wanting to be away from their masters, and their lives are not that different than yours probably was.”

  I understood instantly. Everyone here needed their peace, and I was just like them. I was calmer and far more secure in my life because Resan was there, but I was still the same as all of them. I looked at the twenty or so people hanging out in the gardens with us as Blue showed us around with renewed interest and appreciation. I belonged here in a way I hadn’t anywhere else.

  “Are you okay with that?”

  I hadn’t realized Resan was asking me a question. “What?”

  He smiled at me. “Blue said that everyone here works in some small way. I mentioned how good you were with Katya, and he thought you might like to help out with the children. What do you think?”

  Blue was looking at me expectantly as well. I’d never really been around children except when I was one, but outside of being an aspasian, I didn’t really have a lot of skills that would be helpful either. I nodded. I could help with the children.

  “That’ll be a nice change. We have plenty of people here who like to be around them, but not many of them are close to their age like you are. I think they’d like to have someone they can talk to like they might be able to with you,” Blue said. His attention quickly moved to Resan. “If I can’t interest you in being a peacekeeper for us, would you like to teach some fitness classes? Here we have no need to use any self-defense training, but I think we could all benefit from being more active and knowing how to defend ourselves. I think it could lead to a sense of empowerment.”

  Blue was right, if I knew how to fight back, really fight and not just scramble around trying to defend myself, then I might feel safer off of this planet.

  “I could do that,” Resan easily agreed. I gave his hand a squeeze.

  “Excellent.” Blue seemed excited. “Come on, I’ll give you the rest of the tour. There isn’t too much left. You’ve already seen the gardens and the common areas. We only have the living areas left. Will you two be sharing a room?”

  Resan looked to me, letting me make that decision. I needed his input as well, though. “What would you prefer?”

  “I like sharing a space with you. We’ve been bouncing between a dozen different planets for the past few months. It could be nice to settle into a real life with you here.”

  He was right. It probably would be. “One is fine,” I told Blue.

  He smiled at us both, then continued the tour.

  THAT NIGHT Resan and I lay on our new bed together in a room that was just for us. Our rooms were larger than I expected them to be, with a separate area for us to sit down together, a bathroom with a steam shower, and a large bedroom with a bed big enough for us both to stretch out on. We had clothes
too, none that were ours, but they’d been given to us all the same.

  I lay on my stomach, looking out at the herb garden beyond our windows while he checked on the news in the sector for anything interesting. “Do you think we’re safe here?”

  “I think that, given what this place has been built for and the collective interest of everyone here in staying as self-sufficient and out of trouble as possible, that this is the ideal place to lay low for a while. Or longer than that if you’d prefer. Blue didn’t give us any sort of a time frame of when we had to leave, so I believe that as long as we are contributing to the well-being of everyone here and not causing trouble, that we are free to stay as long as we want.”

  It really wasn’t any kind of an answer, but it made me happy nonetheless. He laid his hand over my hip. It was a casual touch, one he might give anyone he’d been intimate with, but it meant more than that to me. He wasn’t paying me, and I wasn’t his property. We were no longer running from someone, and I was ready to figure out how I fit into a life here. A big part of that was finding a place for Resan within that life.

  “It’s late. We should think about going to sleep.”

  I nodded and got up so that I could pull back the blankets. He’d already been under them while he’d been sitting up. I was wearing more to bed than I normally did. A shirt and pants probably weren’t that big of a change, but I hadn’t worn a shirt to bed in years. I wasn’t sure if I was uncomfortable in the extra layer or just not used to it yet.

  I lay there with my back to him as he seemed to get comfortable. He put his hand back on my hip and then dipped his fingers under the hem of my shirt. I held still, letting him touch me where he wanted to as he pushed his hand between the waist of my pants and my skin to be able to stroke me.

  “What would you like tonight?” I asked.

  He kissed the back of my head and moved closer against me. I wasn’t to the point of being crowded, yet, but he was getting close to it. “Sex is more than just me, remember? We’ve talked about this.”

  We had, but he was trying to undo years of abuse too. It wasn’t going to be easy. I shimmied out of my pants while I thought about what I might want. I wanted to be held but not too tightly. I wanted to be kissed. I wanted him to look at me like he couldn’t wait to get me alone. When it came to actually having sex, though, I wasn’t sure what I wanted. Or if I really wanted anything at all.

  “Is there anything you don’t want tonight?” he asked me when I’d gone silent.

  There was plenty that I didn’t like about sex, with pain and humiliation being at the top of that list. I didn’t like being talked dirty to very much during sex either, but that was because whenever I had been, the words had always been said in order to degrade or humiliate me, like being told that I was a dirty whore or that I didn’t have a choice. I knew that I did now, and I didn’t want anyone to ever tell me otherwise again.

  He let go of my shaft to move his fingers between my cheeks as he played with my entrance. Some of my interest was quickly beginning to wane as he began to press one of his fingers inside of me. I wanted to tell him that I didn’t really like that, but I wasn’t sure how to say the words.

  “Arin?”

  He stopped touching me there and instead held me again.

  “What is it? Talk to me.”

  I had no idea what to say. “I don’t like….” Even starting the sentence was hard. There were things that I’d been expected to do at Asiq, and then there was what I had been forced to do with Bowman and now I didn’t know how to say what I actually wanted. I’d never had as many choices, or much of a choice at all before really, even when I’d been at Asiq. I knew that I had there, but I was still being paid to provide the pleasure that a man wanted, not my own. I wasn’t sure how to ask for my own needs to be fulfilled.

  “Do you like sex?” Resan pushed.

  I nodded. I did like many aspects of sex in general. I turned over onto my back so that I could see him better. “If I told you that I didn’t like something, even if it was something you really did, what would change for us?”

  He frowned down at me as he propped himself up on his elbow. “What is it that you don’t like?”

  I needed his answer first. “Please?”

  “We’d work through it. Whatever it is, we wouldn’t do it. I’m not going to try to pressure you into something you don’t want. Have we done something that you didn’t want?”

  We had, but it wasn’t his fault I couldn’t explain my needs, or even ask for them. “Before you found out about me, I’d never had sex outside of Asiq or when I was with Bowman. Before you, I’d never been able to have my own needs. I like kissing and hugging and being close to someone. Coming feels good. But….” I chewed on my lower lip, and he took my hand while I tried to figure out how to say this. “I don’t enjoy having anyone inside of me,” I quietly admitted. I was sure that he would be angry. It was an essential part of sex. Even if there was oral before, or the times he’d gone down on me, there was always this aspect of sex whenever I was with someone, even him.

  “Why didn’t you say something?” His voice was quiet as he looked down at me.

  “I didn’t want you to be mad.”

  He gently kissed me and held me close. He helped me get my pants back on. I was sure things would be over between us now.

  But then he said, “Okay. We can do other things if you want to.”

  “You’re not mad?” I had a hard time believing that. His mouth was pressed into a hard line, and there was a tick in his jaw. He was definitely upset about something.

  “Only that you didn’t tell me this before.” He kissed me again.

  I wasn’t sure how this would change us, only that it had to. “What other things would you want?”

  “Have you ever really said no to someone?” he asked me instead.

  Of course I had. But it hadn’t helped. “I stopped shortly after Bowman started with me. It didn’t change anything and only made things worse since it made him upset.”

  Resan looked even more upset, but he turned me onto my side away from him. I wasn’t sure what he was doing until he pulled down my pants. “Resan?”

  He put one arm around my chest, then moved his hand between my cheeks again. I was tense. I’d just told him that I didn’t like this. “Resan?” I asked him again.

  He played with my entrance, never putting a finger into me but running them around the outside all the same.

  “I don’t like this,” I said, my voice shaking. If he forced me, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. If he ignored what I’d said, if he chose his wants over mine, if he made me do this too…. It was too much to think about, and soon I was trembling.

  “Tell me,” he whispered against my ear.

  “Tell you what?” My voice broke.

  He held on to me a little tighter. “Say the word. You can. I know you can.”

  I understood then what he wanted me to say, but I knew it wouldn’t make a difference. He enjoyed this part of sex, and if he wanted me like this, I would be on top of him again, as I had been in recent months.

  “No,” I whispered, knowing it wouldn’t change anything. Whatever game he was playing, it had hurt me.

  Only as soon as the word left my lips, he was no longer touching me. He pulled my pants up and he rolled me back over so that I was facing him again. I lay still under him while he looked down at me. My heart raced, and my mind swam.

  “What was that?” I demanded.

  “You learning how to tell someone no.” He kissed me on my cheek. “Good night, Arin. We’ll talk more in the morning.”

  I shook my head and grabbed his shirt so that he couldn’t move away from me so easily. “No, we’ll talk now. You pushed too far. That wasn’t okay. I shouldn’t have to tell you no. You’re supposed to be the one person who doesn’t take from me.”

  He gave me a sad smile. “Only, I did. You gave up what you wanted to give me something that you knew I did. You chose my wants above your own
. I took without realizing it, and you gave without meaning to. I care about you, a lot. And I’d be happy if you felt the same way for me. I don’t mind never being inside of you again. You aren’t something that I thrust into and eventually come in. You’re my friend, and I’m upset that I never knew what you were giving up whenever we’ve had sex these past few months. Your needs and your choices with your body come before anything I may want. That has to be what happens here.”

  “I don’t know how to do that,” I whispered.

  “I know. I want to help you with that too. But it has to start with you being able to tell me no. If I touch you, if I kiss you, if something has been fine before but right now isn’t, then I need you to tell me that’s the case. And now that I know you have trouble saying no to me, I’ll ask before I assume.” He moved his hand to my stomach. “Is this okay?”

  I nodded. It was.

  He ran his fingers down the top of my thigh. “Was that?”

  I sighed and rubbed my hands over my face. “Being touched isn’t an issue. It’s just about sex.”

  Resan lifted his hand off of me again. “I’d like it to be an issue, though. I’d like to be able to know that if someone put their arm around you, someone that you didn’t want touching you, that you’d be able to tell them no. Then, if they persisted, I’d like to know that you’d punch them hard enough to break their nose.”

  I smiled. I would like that too. But I wasn’t there yet. Not by a long shot. “I never developed real boundaries.” That hurt to admit. My childhood had been a mess to say the least, and now I was an adult with no real way to cope with being around other people. “I need your help with that, I think.”

  He nodded. “I’ll help you in whatever way I can. I also think that the people here would be able to help you with that too. I’m guessing that more than a few of them know a bit about what you’re going through right now. You and I, though, will be having a lot of honest discussions about what you do and don’t like. I need to know what you’re okay with. I won’t risk hurting you.”