It's best not to follow her, so I stay behind in the kitchen. Just a few moments later, my mom enters the room.
“How’d it go?” I ask with hope and a bit of curiosity.
“Fine. She decided to work in my office and with a little convincing she agrees it would be better for them. I told her Allison can join her until she is able to find good childcare. She’s very grateful.”
“That's good.” I answer. I know neither Nicola nor Allison is ready to be apart from each other after everything they have been through.
My mom is fidgeting, so I know she has something to say. “What is it mom?” I prompt her to speak.
“Does this mean you're back in Chicago? Like for good?”
“I don't know. I'll be here for a while though. At least until I am sure they are safe.”
“And then what? You just disappear again like last time?”
“Come on mom. I'm not just going to disappear.”
“You promise?” I hear her voice shaking, and damn if that doesn't break my heart.
I nod ‘yes’ and I take my mom into my arms for a long overdue hug. The way her body falls into me makes me feel like absolute shit for not being more open with her. There’s no doubt in my mind she just wants me to talk to her about what's going on in my life, but how can I, when I’m not sure myself?
“Mom, you know that I'll never just disappear.” I try to convince her. Maybe myself too, at least a little.
Instead of speaking, she just squeezes me tighter. All this emotion is making me crazy. I gently back out of her embrace. “Would you like to stay and eat?”
“No, you all have a lot to talk about and so much to get done.” She reminds me.
She's right. There is a lot to do today. I walk my mom to the door and pull her in for one last hug before she enters the elevator and I will return to Nicola and Allison in the dining room.
The second she's gone, waves of emotion wash over me. I'm nervous. Actually, I'm scared. Allison is awake and I’m sure she will have a million questions I won't have answers to. I don't want to delay this anymore. I guess we will all have to stumble our way through, this first day together.
When I head back into the dining room, I see Nicola has her hand gently resting on Allison’s hand. They aren't talking, but I'm sure all has been said that needed to be. They look relaxed together, and if I had to guess, knowing they are safe. I clear my throat so I don't startle them before asking, “Would you girls like some pancakes?”
Nicola speaks for the both of them. “Sure, thank you.” She stands and then says, “I will help. Where are the plates?”
“I'll show you.”
We make our way into the kitchen and I open the cabinet door to reach inside and get the plates. Nicola quickly grabs them and walks away from me, almost as if she's trying to avoid the awkwardness that has been looming over us.
I hate the uneasiness between us, and I know I have to do my best to make her feel comfortable. Instead of talking about us I ask, “How's Allison doing this morning?”
“She's scared and confused about everything, but she's alright. This isn't the first time we have been through this.” The sadness lingering in her voice causes my heart to ache. I can see the guilt weighing heavy on her.
I slowly take her hand and say, “What happened to you isn't your fault Nicola.”
She lets out a dry humorless laugh and says, “Yeah? Then whose fault is it?”
I can tell she didn't say that looking for an answer, and even if she was, she wouldn't believe what I had to say. Instead of responding, I grab the plate of pancakes and head to the dining room. Sometimes you have to pick the battles you're willing to fight.
Nicola
This morning has been terrible! I just want to fast forward a couple days so that I don't have to deal with all the raw emotions that are coming from Allison, Gavin, and me. We’re all unsure of what the day will hold and how it will go.
“How many would you like?” Gavin asks Allison,
“Just one.” Allison answers quietly, avoiding eye contact with Gavin.
“Just one?” he asks in disbelief. He knows she hasn't eaten in over twelve hours, and that she is probably starving. He likely thinks she's being shy, but I know the truth. She hears her father’s voice in her head. Just one or you'll be the fat girl at school.
When we were in Kentucky I tried everything to change her self-image, but I know his words had become ingrained in her mind. Hell, they're still ingrained in mine.
Gavin doesn't say anything as he puts the one pancake on her plate. Quickly I grab the syrup and squirt some on.
“How many for you Nicola?” Gavin asks. I find this may be the perfect opportunity to show Allison that it's ok to enjoy your food.
“I'll take two,” I say with a smile and Allison looks at me surprised, “Mommy is starving! We have a very busy day today.”
“What are we doing?” she asks.
“Well, mommy got a job. And I got an advance from my first paycheck. I'm taking you shopping.”
Gavin and Allison look equally confused, though Gavin looks more irritated than confused. I didn't have time to tell him that his mom gave me my first paycheck earlier. I didn't ask for it, so I was totally shocked when she handed me fifteen hundred dollars. I didn't want to accept it, but she said she was paying it forward. And that she understood my need to make my own way. Instantly I felt connected to her. Almost like we share a secret, but not even I am sure, what that secret is.
Allison shrugs her shoulders and consumes her entire pancake in less than a minute. She eyes my plate and then the plate with the other pancakes. I know she wants more, and I want so badly to offer her another one. Instead, I smile and hope she has the confidence to ask for another herself.
A few moments go by and she doesn't ask, so I try to encourage her. “ You can have more if you’d like.”
“Maybe one more wouldn't hurt,” she says quietly, I think more to herself. It's like she's trying to make peace with her decision.
“One more?” Gavin asks. I can tell he's trying to break the ice. “I'll take three more. And this time I'll put whipped cream on it,” he says, while loading his pancakes down.
It's probably just a reflex, or maybe years of Allison telling herself this, but she blurts out, “No one likes a fatty!”
“Allison!” I scold her, surprised to see her so bold.
Allison recoils at the sound of my voice and apologizes quickly, “I'm sorry sir. I'm sorry.” It kills me when I realize she's waiting for Gavin to get mad. Her father used to fly off the handle at the smallest of things, so she expects the worst.
I can tell Gavin has no idea what to say. I also see he realizes this is the perfect moment to show her she is safe with him. “There is nothing wrong with enjoying good food. And I accept your apology only if you let me add whipped cream to yours.”
She nods her head yes and slowly pushes her plate forward. Gavin puts some on top of her pancake and we both watch as she takes her first couple bites.
“It's good right?” I ask.
“Yes.” she answers softly.
I don't want to push her anymore. We enjoyed all sorts of treats when it was just her and me. Maybe she thinks all men think like her dad. Since I don't want to try to sell Gavin’s goodness to her, I decide to let him take the lead. Only he can prove who he is to her. And I hope for both our sakes he is who we want him to be. Right now, all we want is a decent human being with whom we can be friends.
Chapter 21
Gavin
Thank God breakfast is over. We are about to leave to go shopping, and it will be the distraction we all need. I will do my best to ensure that we will have lighthearted and fun conversation for the rest of the day. After all, girls love shopping, or at least that holds true for the women in my family.
I’m going to have to talk to my mom later. Why in the hell would she give Nicola money? It’s not like I can’t take care of her and buy her the things that she and
Allison both need. Maybe my mom doesn’t realize it, but that’s a slap in any man’s face. It’s like she’s telling Nicola I don’t have money to support my family. Err... my possible family. My one day family? Christ! What are we? What does Nicola want? Every time I try to have this conversation, I turn into a hothead and we never get anywhere. Tonight! Tonight I will remain calm. Or try too.
“You guys ready?” I say to the girls as I watch them walk out of the bedroom. Both in the same clothes they wore the day before. The look on Nicola’s face says it all. She’s embarrassed.
“Yes, where are we going?” Nicola responds.
“There are a couple cool boutiques that my mom and aunts always shop at. I know at least a couple also sell girls clothes because they buy for Lane’s daughter, Annie.”
The look on Nicola’s face changes from embarrassed to humiliated, so I hurry to say, “Or we could go to the mall. Wherever you want.”
“I was thinking we could go to Wal-Mart. You know they’re a one-stop shop. Clothes, food, and personal items.” Nicola informs and it dawns on me that even though my mom gave her money, it’s still not enough to cover all the things they will need when they are starting out fresh, here in Chicago.
“Ok, we can go to Wal-Mart.” I reply even though I want to shout at her and tell her she nor Allison should be wearing Wal-Mart clothing. Since I made the promise to myself to stay level headed, I move my arm forward to usher them into the elevator.
It warms my heart when I see Allison’s tiny hand engulfed by her mother’s gentle one. Once inside the elevator, she still doesn’t let go. It’s like she’s afraid to let go because if she did, her mother could be taken from her. And with that thought, a whole new set of emotions and scenarios play out in my mind. What if Jason locates Nicola at work? What if I’m not there to protect them? What if I am there to protect them and I fail? Just like in my dream?
Thankfully, the elevator dings and the door opens to the garage. It’s a distraction I need to get out of my own head. Though I know I have to face these thoughts at some point. Now isn’t the time.
Nicola
The car ride to Wal-Mart is uneventful. I couldn’t enjoy the sights of the new city with all of the uncertainties running through my head. I wondered if the skyscrapers made Allison miss New York or if they just reminded her of terrible times. I could feel the tension bouncing between the three of us.
Allison had asked me when we were going home while we were getting ready this morning. It was difficult explaining that Chicago will be our temporary home. I felt like a shitty mother when she asked about her favorite dolls. I wanted to cry and beg her for forgiveness for screwing her life up. What kind of mother can’t protect her kid? And what kind of mother runs into the arms of some strange man and then expects her to trust him and me? Hell, I don’t even know if I fully trust Gavin.
“We should get groceries last. I picked up a few things last night. But I don’t want anything melting while we shop for clothes.” Gavin says interrupting my thoughts.
“Good idea. Let’s start with the necessities. Shampoo, soap and all that.” I reply mindlessly while trying to think of everything we need to get.
“Lead the way.”
Ok, this is making me uncomfortable. He’s going to follow us around? Not that shampoo is private, but I need tampons, shaving and waxing items. It’s not like I can ask him to leave since he’s our car ride. Dammit! I’m a grown woman. I’m assuming he is aware women need those types of things.
Deciding to just get the embarrassment out of the way, the first aisle I take is the one with all the feminine hygiene products. And just like it’s a normal thing for him, he walks it with me. After I locate my favorite brand, I grab it and quickly put it in the cart.
My cheeks flush as Gavin shoots me a sexy smirk. It’s not the kind of smirk that makes someone embarrassed. It’s the kind that melts the panties off you. Now for the rest of this shopping trip I will be walking with my legs pressed together.
“Where next?” Gavin asks after we finish in the essential aisles. I need panties. I think how I’d like to buy some lacy sexy underwear for Gavin, until I stop fantasizing and remember that he won’t be seeing them after that terrible scene last night.
“Mommy?” Allison interrupts the replay in my head of the night before.
“Yes, baby?”
“Can we look at toys?”
“Sure honey. But we can’t buy any. So we just look for now. When mommy starts getting paid we can come back and buy.”
Allison smiles brightly and I’m so grateful I have a child who doesn’t throw a fit to get what they want. I really am a lucky mother. But if Allison’s smile makes me happy, Gavin’s irritated look makes me curious as to what he’s thinking.
When we get to the toy aisle Allison asked if she could walk ahead. I agreed as long as she stayed in eyesight of me. Since she's happily distracted with the hundreds of dolls in front of her, I quietly ask Gavin, “What was that look for back there?”
“I would really like to buy Allison a toy and if you’d let me, I’d like to buy everything in your cart today.”
Frustrated once again I respond honestly. “Gavin, you can’t buy Allison a toy, because you can’t buy her trust or friendship. My daughter’s feelings are not for sale and neither are mine.”
“But she has nothing at the apartment and I’m not trying to buy anyone’s trust. I’m just trying to make things easier.”
“The only way you can make this easier is if you don’t insist on taking care of us. You’ve already done so much. Too much actually.”
“Can I at least pitch in with the groceries? You know since I’ll be eating too.”
“Sure I can accept that.”
“Mom!” Allison’s voice is filled with excitement. “Look, it’s just like the doll I have at home.”
Since Gavin offered to help with the groceries, I now have a little money to spend. And he’s right. She has nothing back at the apartment. I say, “It is the same; is this the one you want?” Allison nods her head yes. “Okay, put it in the cart.”
Chapter 22
Gavin
After the long day of shopping and avoiding any real conversation with Nicola, I grab a bottle of beer from the refrigerator. She’s putting Allison to bed but told me she would be back out once she fell asleep. This will give me some time to relax and prioritize the long list of issues we need to work out.
Truthfully, I don’t know where to start. Or where Nicola would want to start. Is now the time to define our relationship? More importantly, do I want to define it?
While shopping earlier, I considered how we must have looked to other people. Like a normal couple shopping with their kid. No, we didn’t hold hands, but the conversations we did have were just like ones any other couple would have. We were trying to decide what we wanted for dinner this week. I found out today that both Nicola and Allison are not a fan of vegetables. They both made yuck faces as I picked up spinach.
There is so much I don’t know about her, but those are the little things. I know the things that matter. Nicola loves with her whole heart; she’s a fighter, a protector, and the best mother. All of my early observations of Nicola are spot on. She’s a woman who has slowly woven her way into my heart.
The problem with that is I’m still fucked up. For so long I have said being shot didn't affect me. I’ve put off dealing with what’s going on inside my head. It’s true I don’t relive the moment I was shot over and over. However, I avoid the real emotions with tattooing, leaving the people who constantly question how I’m doing, and ultimately finding a girl who would distract me from the person I was. But now her situation puts me back to those days when I was trying to protect Mallory and almost failed.
Nicola’s quiet footsteps announce her arrival.
“Hey! Would you like a beer?” I ask, and I take notice that her hair is wet and she’s wearing cheap Wal-Mart pajamas. Even still, she looks beautiful.
“Sure, I
’ll take one.”
I grab two, one for her and another for me. Then I lead her out to the balcony so we can enjoy the beautiful Chicago skyline and this warm summer breeze.
“Thanks for today.” Nicola says easing us into conversation.
“You’re welcome. So you’re starting work on Monday?”
“Yes, I don’t want to wait. I’m going to need a car soon. I don’t mind using the subway. I used to love riding it in New York. But I’m not too familiar with this city.”
My first thought is to offer my car up or at the very least offer to drive her until things get settled, but she just gave me information I hadn’t previously known.
“So you’re from New York?”
She takes a long slow drink and I know she doesn’t want to answer, but realizes there is no reason to hide those details anymore. “Actually, I’m from New Jersey. I met Jason in college and we moved there shortly after he graduated.”
“How did you wind up in Kentucky then? Especially that small town in Kentucky?”
“My mom grew up there. We went a few times when I was a kid. I always remember my dad teasing her that she was sheltered from the real world. And it seemed like the perfect place to hide. I’m not sure how Jason found us there. How about you? I mean I know your grandpa lives there, but tell me a little about your family.”
I can tell this is going to be a give and take conversation. As long as she is opening up, so will I.
Nicola
Gavin sets his beer on the table and exhales sharply before he starts speaking. “The first thing you should know about my family is we are all crazy.” He half laughs and then continues. “We’ve been close all my life. You briefly met everyone the night you arrived. Well, minus Landon. He’s currently deployed in Iraq. That’s Noah and Molly’s son. Me and my brother Eli and my male cousins went camping in Kentucky every year with my grandpa, dad and uncles. After I was shot it seemed like the perfect place to clear my head.”
Gavin (Made From Stone Book 2) Page 11