“It really is the perfect place to clear your head. I think once things settle, I want to go back. I realize I’m not really a city person. I like the calm of the country and knowing my daughter will be safer in a small town.”
Gavin picks his drink up and takes a quick sip. His eyebrow is arched and I think he wants to ask me something. “What is it?” I encourage him to ask whatever it is he is wondering.
“Would you consider staying here? I mean if things with us were to work out?”
Shit! I didn’t think this would be the question he asked. I honestly thought he was over the crush he might have had on me.
I’m not brave enough to answer that question, and I really don’t know my answer yet, so, I decide to return his question with my own. “Would you consider moving to Kentucky if things with us worked out?”
He lets out a hearty laugh and I laugh too. I think we both know our relationship won’t be figured out tonight, but we gave each other hope in our questions. We are both open to something in the future, but for now, we have other things to worry about. I decide to change the conversation back to family. I’m still curious if that girl was serious about her dad having the whole city looking for her.
“Hey Gavin?”
“Yeah?”
“The girl that was here earlier, she said something and I wasn’t sure if she were joking.” Before I can finish, he interrupts me. He must know exactly what I’m talking about.
“Harper is her name. And no she was dead serious when she said her dad would have the whole city looking for her.”
“But she’s an adult.”
“You’ve met her dad. My Uncle Evan, but you haven’t seen his controlling pompous ass side.”
The way he forms his words has me curious. “So is she under lock and key?”
“No, it’s not as bad as it sounds. And earlier I mentioned my family was crazy. I wasn’t lying. Uncle Evan is the head of crazy in my family. It’s such a long story and I promise to one day tell you. But he just protects the women in his life. They all know he’s just strict because he would kill someone if something ever happened to them. What about your family?”
“They’re still in New Jersey. I haven’t spoken with them since I left Jason. My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease and my mom was always worried sick about him and me. She’d come to New York if it had been awhile since she heard from me. I just didn’t want her to be part of it, so I often just avoided her phone calls. Jason alienated me from them. I can count on one hand the times my parents have seen Allison. Anyway, I warned my mom a couple years ago to stop coming around, mentioned I would be leaving Jason and to not ask where I was going or when I would be leaving. It broke her heart to have to say goodbye, but I believe she would have agreed to do anything if it meant I would be away from Jason.”
The memories of my final hug with my mom springs tears to my eyes and the realization hits that I have no idea how my dad is. Gavin takes my hand and speaks softly, “Would you like to call them?”
“No, I don’t want them to know where I am. I don’t want Jason finding us again.”
Gavin takes another sip of beer, but this time he lets the glass linger on his lips. His eyebrow is no longer arched but they are scowled.
Again, I can tell he is thinking hard about something. “What is it this time?”
“Nicola, you are not hiding from Jason anymore. I’m here. My father, brother, uncles and cousins are all here to protect you and Allison.”
“I’m not putting you or your family in danger Gavin.”
Gavin laughs again but it’s not a belly laugh. It’s an arrogant laugh. He smugly responds, “We are not in any danger Nicola. And if you want this to end, he needs to find you. Or hell, you can make it simple and give me his address.”
Gavin
The doom and gloom cloud that had been hanging over my head lifted when Nicola said she wouldn't put me in any danger. What the fuck is that girl thinking? Worried I've been coming off as a pussy lately I have to speak up. “You know I can protect myself, right?”
“Yes, I know you can, but you don't know Jason and what he's capable of. And you've been shot before. I haven't really met Mallory but you mentioned she feels guilty for being the reason you were hurt. And I couldn't live with myself if something happened to you because of me.”
“Nicola, first off, I do know Jason. I know he acts strictly on anger and impulse. He's a do first and think about it later kind of guy. It took me just a second to figure him out. So believe me, he poses no danger to my family or me. And secondly, the night I was shot was kind of her fault. She didn't pull the trigger, but she was the reason I was there.”
Nicola suddenly lowers her head and our easygoing conversation tonight has suddenly turned somber and I'm not sure why.
“So you do blame Mallory?” she questions quietly. But before I answer, I think. I’ve been quick to say I don't blame her, but if she hadn't been so stupid that night, I wouldn't have been there. Then another realization hits.
“Yes, to answer you honestly. I guess I do blame her.”
With that said and out in the open I'm shocked at how quickly hatred takes root in my soul, and I want nothing more than to drive to Lane’s and let Mallory know I almost died because of her carelessness. I had a stroke and laid in that hospital bed for months while tubes ran into my dick so I could piss. It's her fucking fault. All of it. The emotion is now causing me to shake with anger and disgust.
“Gavin?” Nicola calls my name nervously. I open my eyes to meet hers and I know she can see just how angry I am. But in her eyes, I see sadness and compassion. She better not be feeling sorry for me.
“What?” I snap at her.
Her body jerks in surprise at my tone, but instead of the normal running away she does, she carefully places her soft hand on mine. “Why do you blame her? She didn't pull the trigger. Can you tell me about that day? How you felt?”
Part of me wants to snap at Nicola and tell her to mind her own business, but the other part wants to get down to the core of what is truly bothering me. Taking a few deep breaths, I open my mind to the night that altered my life. Instinctively, I grip Nicola’s hand and let the memories flow from my mind to my mouth.
“I remember being annoyed when I got the text from Lane that Mallory was missing. All of us had warned Mallory to not go back to that hotel her sister had been staying in. So on the car ride over, I was agitated. I mean how stupid would she have to be to put herself in danger. For Christ sakes. She was a new mom.” Shaking my head at her stupidity, I continue.
“When I arrived I was worried to see her car there. And the moment I saw it, instinctively I knew she was with the man who’d been stalking her. It was the first time in my life that I was afraid.”
“What were you afraid of?” Nicola asks while squeezing my hand.
“I was afraid that I was too late, afraid that if I wasn't too late that things had been done to her and that she’d wish she had died, afraid to have to be the one to call Lane and tell him I failed to protect her.
“Before I knew what I was doing I was out of my car and banging on the motel room door. I was relieved when I heard her shout at me to run. That relief was short lived when I realized that if she was screaming at me to run it meant she was in immediate danger. A knife at her throat or a gun to her head. If he wasn't armed, she would've cried for help. Right?”
Nicola scoots up to the edge of her seat and her beautiful hazel eyes are filled with compassion. “So then what happened?” She encourages me to finish.
“I burst through the door and the moment I laid eyes on the man, I fired one shot. Unfortunately he also got a shot off.”
“Did it hurt?”
“No, well a little. It wasn't pain but more of a burning. Kind of like burning your hand on a hot pan. But not the initial burn, the warming burn you feel for a few minutes after. I guess more than anything it was uncomfortable. I didn't even know I had been shot until Mallory raised
her hand from my chest and it was covered in blood. And that was the last I remember.”
“What were you thinking? I mean, did you have any final thoughts? Is it like in the movies where your life flashes before your eyes?”
“No, my life didn't flash before my eyes. I just remember feeling thankful that she was ok.”
“But now you're not happy that she was ok and you were not?”
Chapter 23
Nicola
After my last question, Gavin let go of my hand and has started pacing the floor. The only sound that can be heard is the occasional deep breath he takes. I want so badly to hold him and to tell him it's ok to let whatever it is he is feeling out, but I have a feeling he is trying to articulate in his mind what it is he wants to say and honestly I don't think he knows how he feels. I think he has buried these thoughts and emotions for so long that his feelings confuse him. So for now I will just sit here and wait patiently. Even in this moment, when he looks like a deranged madman he is still incredibly sexy! The black t-shirt he's wearing is hugging his muscles. Not in the way that it looks like he buys t-shirts too small on purpose like Jason did. His hair has grown even more, so instead of the disheveled spiky mess he used to wear, it’s grown long enough to fall to one side. And his eyes are bright when the moonlight hits them just right. Finally, he stops pacing and I know he's found what it is he wanted to say.
“First off, I'm so grateful that Mallory is fine. Even if she hadn't been Lane’s girlfriend, I would've been happy to give my life for anyone who needed me to. The fact that she is Lane’s girlfriend makes it even more special. Secondly, I know in my heart that Mallory made a foolish mistake and I know that she knows that as well. And I know that if she could go back she wouldn't have gone back there. I guess the battle is in my head. Even though I know she would never intentionally put me or anyone else in danger, she did. And I almost died. Hell she could've died.”
I still don't think this is what's bothering Gavin. I think he's just scratching the surface of what's really going on. So, I decide to press for more information. “You said earlier that your last thoughts were you feeling thankful Mallory was alright. But were you scared you were going to die?”
“No!” he answers immediately and honestly and then continues. “I was more afraid of living. When I woke up and was attached to all those machines. Well, I didn't know the extent of my injuries. I thought maybe I was paralyzed because I could only feel the tubes running down my throat. When I opened my eyes, only my mom was in the room and she was hysterically crying. She must've been on the phone with someone because she was talking quickly. I was too groggy to understand what she was saying but I knew it wasn't good. I guess that's when I became afraid of living. If I had to be in a wheelchair and depend on people the rest of my life I would've hated it.”
“Paralyzed people live active lives.” I remind him.
“Sure, but initially I think they mourn the loss of what was. I don’t know if I could’ve come to terms with all that would bring. And I wouldn't have been a cop which is all I ever wanted from the time I came to live with my parents.”
“What do you mean? Came to live with your parents?” I ask shocked by what I think he is saying.
“I'm adopted,” he informs me.
“But you look so much like your entire family.” Gavin smiles as though he has heard that a million times.
“I always wanted to live up to the Stone last name. My cousins and me idolized my dad and uncles. They were strong and aggressive but had compassion for people. I didn't want to become someone who needed to be cared for. Maybe that's what bothers me. I used to live in a world where I was unstoppable. I've known cops who've died, but they died heroes. No one ever questioned their strength. Sadly, I've known cops who've also had injuries so severe they could no longer work. Hell, even I am guilty of seeing those cops as weak.”
That seems so judgmental of Gavin and it bothers me so much I have to press him. “So men you've worked beside who have had an accident and are injured become weak in your eyes? How is it their fault that they were shot or in some other type of accident?”
He looks like he's pondering what to say next and once again his eyes soften. “Maybe weak is the wrong word. I guess I should've said I felt sorry for them. I became weird around them. I mean, what else could I say besides I'm sorry that happened to you? And I felt it happening in my family after I was shot. I swear to God if one more person had asked me if I needed something I was going to kill them myself.”
“You know when my dad first got sick his life long friends stopped coming around. Phone calls got shorter and eventually my dad got depressed. He knew what was happening. Alzheimer's is vicious. Even though he became forgetful, he knew people felt sorry for him. I think it got to the point he wished he would forget everything. That way he wouldn't be aware of those who distanced themselves from him. But more importantly, I think he wanted to forget the guilt he felt when he looked at my mom. He knew she became his full-time caregiver. He knew she couldn't rest because she was afraid if she fell asleep, he would wander off. Just a bit of advice, if you see those people again try to look past the injury. Don't say how are you holding up? Maybe say what have you been up to? Leave it up to the person to talk about what they want to talk about. Maybe they want to talk about their injury but I bet most want to talk about anything else but the injury.”
Gavin
Oddly talking like this is soothing me. Nicola really is something special! And I'm happy she isn't feeling sorry for me but rather she's trying to get me to see the other side.
Not wanting this conversation to end I say, “You really should call your parents.”
“Don't change the subject. Tonight we are talking about you.” She says in a teasing voice but I know she's being serious.
“Fine, tonight we talk about me. Tomorrow night it's all about you baby.” I tell her. She smiles a full genuine smile that lights a fire in my soul. How can a simple smile offer me so much hope? Because in this moment I can feel my life returning. Nicola must not realize I’m having an awakening moment because she winks at me. I know she wants to keep the conversation going too. “What else do you want to know?”
“ I'm not sure! I don't want to press too much because you're a short circuit.” She lightly teases.
“I'm sorry if I've scared you with my outbursts. I've spent so long suppressing these memories and now I'm allowing myself to face and feel them. I am trying Nicola.” Nicola’s eyebrow raises as if she doesn't believe me so I have to ask “What?”
“Are you really trying Gavin? I mean I love talking to you, but I'm not a therapist. Maybe a Counselor could help you more. Have you thought about seeing one?”
“I did after I was shot. But she said I had PTSD. And at the time, I didn't think I did. I never re-lived the shooting and I wasn't angry. But all she ever wanted to talk about was the night of the shooting. I guess I wanted to work through it on my own in Kentucky and Nicola, I really am glad I went.” I wink at her to let her know she's the reason I'm happy I went.
Nicola blushes and looks down, before responding with these hopeful words, “I'm glad you came to Kentucky, too.”
Chapter 24
Gavin
Last night was one of the best nights of my life. Sitting on the balcony talking with Nicola felt completely natural. We talked so long the warm summer breeze dried her freshly showered hair and with some of those breezes, it would send her perfect floral scent my way. Every time I breathed in her scent, I became aroused which left me shifting in my seat to hide my hardness and try to get comfortable. Even though I knew I wouldn't be taking her to bed, it didn't make last night any less meaningful. In fact, it was probably the most meaningful night of my life. The way she was able to engage me in conversation and keep me talking was a surprise even for me. My whole life I have always shut down in conversation if I wasn’t comfortable talking. I’ve never let anyone in that way. But the biggest surprise for me is the way she felt sec
ure enough with me to call my bluff. She wasn’t afraid of me. With her history, I’m sure she is programmed to not challenge men, but she really challenged me. So, even though we weren’t talking about her last night, she gave me something back. Something that has been missing since I was shot. I became a man again.
For the first time, I realized I had become a coward since the shooting. I used getting shot as an excuse to hide because hiding from what happened was better than facing the truth. I’m not a superhero. I am not indestructible; bad things can happen to me and to the people I love. And no matter how hard I try, there will come a time when I will fail at protecting the ones I love. There will be a time that I can’t swoop in and save the day. The people around me will die. And there won’t be a thing I can do about it. I lived in a bubble of strong men, confident woman, and so much love that I had never considered it wouldn’t always be that way. Being shot made me vulnerable, and I wasn’t ready for it at all. It was easier to run from the people I love and to put distance between those relationships. Now, though, I know what it means to be an actual man. Nicola made me see that shit happens, life sucks, but as long as you go down fighting and as long as you don’t give up, anything is possible. And life is worth fighting for. A life with Nicola is worth dying for.
Today I went out to give Nicola and Allison some alone time. I can tell Allison isn't comfortable around me yet and I wanted her to relax enough for today so that she can be a little girl and play with her new doll. I didn't do much. I just hit the gym for a much-needed work out and then went to check out a couple tattoo places. I don't have the impulse to get another one right now, but in case the mood hits again I've found a pretty good shop just a few blocks away.
Since Nicola agreed to meet me after Allison falls asleep, I head for the balcony to relax and wait for her. When I open the door, I realize the warm breeze we had last night is gone and it's just a typical humid evening.
Gavin (Made From Stone Book 2) Page 12