If for Any Reason

by Courtney Walsh

  He looked up at her, eyes still wide. He nodded.

  “Did you have a fun morning?” She ate a forkful of her salad.

  Colin gave a halfhearted shrug.

  “I noticed you’re sitting over here all by yourself.”

  “Yeah.” He stuck a Cheeto in his mouth.

  “Do you like to be by yourself? Because that’s super cool if you do, but if you’d rather be with some friends, I bet you could find a few here.” She scanned the large, open room. Kids sat at tables, in circles on the floor; some even stood while they ate. Mostly they talked really loudly and laughed a lot.

  But not Colin. He ate another Cheeto. “Nobody asked me to sit with them.”

  Her heart stuttered for a split second, and she wished just one other kid would notice him over here by himself. “Did you ask anyone to sit with you?”

  He looked down, his face forlorn, and shook his head.

  “Hm,” she said. “You know, sometimes I think we have to put ourselves out there.”

  “Out where?” His face twisted like it was the weirdest thing he’d ever heard.

  She motioned out across the wide-open room. “Out there. With the other kids.”

  “But what if they don’t like me?”

  Emily shrugged, swallowed her bite, and looked at him. “Not everyone is going to like you, kid. But you’ll never know if you don’t take a chance to get to know them.”

  Colin looked skeptical.

  “Come on, little man. You can do it.”

  It struck Emily that she had no idea where this advice was coming from. The words she lived by would suggest Colin was safer over here in the corner, eating his turkey sandwich by himself.

  “Be cautious with your heart.”

  And yet, looking at him, Emily only felt sad that this was the choice he’d made—to be alone—when he could be a part of this incredible group of friends.

  Slowly he packed his plastic baggies back into his lunch box.

  Emily pointed over to a small group of boys and girls about Colin’s age. “Why don’t you go sit right over there in that circle?” She prayed she wasn’t steering him in the wrong direction. She prayed he was welcomed with smiles and giggles and kindness. She prayed he fit in.

  Had she been praying those same things for herself?

  He stood, and Emily handed him his lunch box. “I’m not sure about this.”

  She smiled at him. “If it all goes bonkers, you can come right back here with me.”

  He sighed. “Okay.”

  Colin approached the small circle. When he reached them, two of the kids turned their attention to him.

  “Hi,” he said.

  One of the little girls, Brooklyn, looked up at him and gave him a crooked, gap-toothed smile. She scooted over and moved the elements of her lunch out of the way so Colin could sit down.

  He looked over his shoulder at Emily, who was inexplicably choked up. She gave him a thumbs-up and watched as he sat down in the group.

  Moments later, he was laughing and smiling right along with the other kids.

  Emily picked up her salad and walked back to where Marisol was standing.

  “Good job, boss,” she said.

  And Emily took the compliment, because for the first time in . . . maybe ever, she felt like she had done a good job.

  And she decided it was the kind of feeling she could get used to.

  CHAPTER 35

  MID-AUGUST 1989

  JD was standing on the deck of one of the yachts, cleaning it after it had been returned by a weekend renter, when he spotted Alan and Eliza Ackerman near the club.

  His heart dropped.

  He hadn’t spoken to Isabelle in two days, and they’d agreed to talk to her parents together, but nothing about their being here appeared to be coincidence.

  One of the other guys threw a wadded-up towel at JD, who forced a laugh as if pretend nonchalance could substitute for the real thing. He picked up the towel and tossed it back just as Isabelle’s parents reached the edge of the dock.

  They didn’t say a word. Instead, they stared him down as if he knew why they were there, which, of course, he did.

  “Can we help you?” another worker named Shane asked the couple, whose focus never wavered.

  “I think they’re here for me,” JD said.

  “Oh.” Shane nodded.

  “I’ll be right back.” He stepped off the boat and onto the dock, moving away from where his coworkers continued to clean. He could feel Alan and Eliza following him, and before he faced them, he drew in a deep breath, exhaling as he turned around.

  “Do you have any idea what you’ve done?” Eliza spat.

  “I talked to Isabelle a couple days ago,” he said.

  “So you do know,” she said.

  “I’m sorry. We never meant for this to happen.”

  Alan’s face changed. “I bet you didn’t, but you did mean to take advantage of our daughter.”

  “I didn’t, sir,” JD said. “I love her.”

  Eliza’s laugh mocked him. “Well, now I know where she got that ridiculous idea. Do you really think you have what it takes to provide a good life for our daughter—and now, for a child?”

  “I’d do anything for Isabelle.”

  They exchanged a tense glance.

  “If you want to do what’s best for Isabelle, then you’ll leave her alone,” Alan said.

  “Sir?”

  “Son, our daughter is used to a certain way of life. She’s come to expect certain things. Things you won’t be able to provide. Pile onto that a baby, and you’re looking at a recipe for disaster.”

  “You want to get rid of me?”

  Eliza straightened. “We want what you want—the best for our daughter and for our grandchild. Surely you want that too.”

  “Of course I do.”

  “We can give them a good life,” she said. “We can make sure every need is met.”

  JD didn’t look away.

  “We have to think logically here, son.” Alan again, calling him “son,” which was really starting to wear on JD’s nerves. “The best thing for both of them—for all of you—would be for you to walk away.”

  “That way, you could finish school without the added pressure of a family. You don’t want to drop out now, do you, when you’re halfway through?”

  “There might be a way for me to keep up with my classes and still work full-time,” he said.

  “Doing what? Waiting tables? Cleaning yachts?” Eliza’s superiority also grated on his nerves.

  “If that’s what it takes.”

  “That’s not a life,” Eliza said. “Not for our daughter, anyway.”

  JD looked away, pretending to be engrossed in a seagull in the distance. “We don’t care about that stuff.”

  “You think you don’t,” Eliza said. “She thinks she doesn’t. But as soon as it gets hard and she doesn’t have instant access to whatever she wants, reality will set in.”

  JD shifted. “And if I don’t leave her?”

  Alan straightened, gave his pants a tug, and let out a sigh. “Well, then you’ll be forcing our hand, son.”

  “Forcing your hand?”

  Eliza leveled her gaze at him. “If you choose to go through with this ludicrous plan to marry Isabelle, or even try to continue a relationship with her, we will be forced to cut her off completely.”

  His stomach dropped. “You would do that?”

  She shrugged. “We would have to. We can’t stamp our approval on this kind of scandal, and sending our daughter to live with a boy she hardly knows so they can ‘play house’ in some tiny, roach-infested apartment in the city is not an option.”

  “I would never let her live in a roach-infested apartment.”

  “As if you would have a choice.” She pressed her thin lips together, still maintaining her you’re-not-good-enough-to-be-in-my-presence attitude. How Isabelle had grown so down-to-earth was a mystery, but it made him love her even more.

  A
nd that was the whole story, wasn’t it? He loved her. He loved her so much that what her parents said began to make sense.

  “I know you want to be with Isabelle, and the two of you think you’re in love, but trust me, you throw a baby in the mix, add adult responsibilities, and you’re looking at a recipe for disaster.” Eliza knew she’d won. He could see it on her face.

  “If you really love her, son, then do the right thing—the unselfish thing.” Alan clapped a hand on his shoulder. “Maybe we could even help you with some of your college bills. Get you into some special programs, the kind that guarantee job placement after graduation.”

  JD’s face fell. He loved Isabelle too much to make her leave the life she’d known for an unknown life with him. Sure, the romance of it was exciting, but her parents were right—much as he hated to admit it.

  He wasn’t good enough for Isabelle. He never had been.

  “I don’t want your money, sir,” JD finally said. “Or your charity.”

  “Don’t look at it that way,” he said. “It’s an offer to help the father of our grandchild.”

  “It’s a bribe to get me out of your lives.”

  “Son, you deserve every possible chance to be a success. With a few phone calls, I can ensure that happens.”

  “But only if I walk away from Isabelle.”

  “And that means you walk away for good,” Eliza interjected. “You don’t tell her about this conversation and you move on. That’s the only way this will work.”

  JD didn’t like this—not one bit. It meant walking away without a word of good-bye. It meant letting Isabelle think he was running, that he never loved her. It meant not being a part of his child’s life.

  But was staying a better option? Staying meant Isabelle lost everything—all the money she was entitled to, not to mention real estate and investments and whatever else rich people passed down to their children. He couldn’t rob her of that. He couldn’t rob his child of that. They deserved it.

  “Fine. I’ll go—for her sake and not because you told me to. If she finds out what you’ve done, it will break her heart.”

  “Then let’s all pray she never finds out,” Eliza said.

  Isabelle hadn’t heard from JD in five full days. Her parents had discovered the truth thanks to a phone call from the doctor, and she’d been on house arrest ever since.

  And she was getting stir-crazy.

  Finally her parents went out with friends, warning her that if she left, there would be consequences. Those consequences felt like nothing compared to the pain of not seeing JD, so after about twenty minutes, Isabelle rode her bike to his aunt’s cottage and pounded on the door.

  The memory of what had happened there only weeks before came flooding back. She regretted her rash decision to sleep with JD, more so now than ever. And yet she didn’t regret loving him. He made her feel like she had a voice and like that voice mattered.

  The door opened and Jeb stared through the screen. “Isabelle, hey.”

  “Hey, is JD here?”

  Jeb frowned. “Didn’t he tell you?”

  “Tell me what?”

  Jeb swallowed, clearly uncomfortable, and Isabelle’s heart sank.

  “Tell me what?”

  “He left.”

  “Okay, is he at work? In town? Where?”

  “No, he left the island. He already went back to school.” Jeb opened the screen door. “I’m sorry, Isabelle. I thought for sure he would’ve told you.”

  She chewed her bottom lip to keep from crying. “Did he leave a number or anything?”

  Jeb shook his head. “No, he didn’t have it when he left, but listen, when I get back to school, I can make sure he looks you up. Wanna leave me your home number?”

  Did she? What good would that do? JD had left without so much as a word. No good-bye. Nothing. Their plan to get married and figure out how to raise a child together suddenly felt so juvenile, so ridiculous. She felt so juvenile and ridiculous.

  “No thanks, Jeb,” she choked out. “I’ll see ya.”

  She raced off, aware that he called after her twice, but she didn’t turn around. She pedaled back to her house, cursing the day she ever met JD and wondering how on earth she was going to move forward without him.

  CHAPTER 36

  EMILY SAT ON THE BEACH as the sky darkened. She’d bypassed the house (and her grandmother), stopping by the shed to grab a blanket, then heading straight to the water. She’d taken her shoes off and now burrowed her toes in the sand until the warmth of the top layer turned cool.

  The unmistakable jingling of Tilly’s tags signaled the dog’s arrival, and Emily expected Jolie to come bounding down to the beach full of energy after their first rehearsal earlier that day.

  From the second Jolie had opened her mouth to sing her audition song, Emily had been impressed with her. She’d played it completely cool and didn’t give the girl any special treatment, but truth be told, Hollis’s daughter was a natural. She’d been relieved. What if Jolie had been terrible? She almost laughed at the thought of that awkward conversation, but she was mostly relieved she didn’t have to have it.

  Tilly ran straight up to her and plopped herself down in the sand, rolling over so Emily could rub her belly. “You silly dog.”

  “You made it.”

  She didn’t need to turn around to know it was Hollis, not his daughter, accompanying the Lab. Her heart skittered, missing two beats: Hol-lis.

  She drew in a deep breath.

  He sat down on her blanket and set a Bartlett’s bag between them. “Hungry?”

  “You brought dinner?”

  “I said I would,” Hollis said. “It’s nothing fancy.” He pulled two sandwiches from the bag. “Chicken salad or turkey?”

  “Chicken salad.” She reached over and took the sandwich. “Thanks for this.”

  “I can’t let you starve.”

  “Now that you know how poor I am?” She laughed. It was nice to laugh about it—made the tragedy less . . . tragic.

  He gave her a look. “Yeah, you’re downright destitute up there in that big cottage overlooking the ocean.”

  She smiled, thankful for the dose of perspective. Things could be so much worse.

  They ate in silence for a few seconds, and then he shifted, angling himself so he faced her. “So how was it?”

  She was wondering when he’d ask about the rehearsal. He’d hovered for longer than he needed to when he dropped Jolie off. It was adorable, if she was honest, watching him fuss over his daughter.

  Before he left, Hollis caught her eye and mouthed the words You okay? She’d nodded and wished for an ice pack to take down the swelling in her heart.

  She wasn’t used to having someone check up on her. And it wasn’t only Hollis. On audition day, Nan had stayed from start to finish, welcoming young performers, quelling their nerves and putting parents’ minds at ease. The woman also brought homemade brownies in for Emily and the rest of the team sitting through the auditions and replenished their water bottles twice.

  Today, she’d shown up to help in the costume room and checked on Emily three times after giving her the prerehearsal pep talk she needed. “Just want to be sure you don’t need anything.”

  And as much as she’d tried to fight it, Emily found herself feeling like she belonged. Or at least like she could belong if she let herself.

  She swallowed a bite of delicious chicken salad sandwich and met Hollis’s eyes. “Honestly? It was amazing.” She couldn’t have kept the smile off her face if she tried.

  “Yeah?” He set his sandwich down. “You liked it?”

  “I mean, yeah,” she said. “The kids are all so brave. We played improv games at the end, and it was inspiring, watching them get up there and do things most adults wouldn’t have the guts to do. They’re fearless, you know?”

  “Like you?”

  Emily laughed. “Not so much these days.”

  Maybe she’d been fearless once upon a time, but she’d suffered enough h
eartache to pull back on her reins and slow her down.

  “Come on, you’re out there living a crazy life, meeting new people on a never-ending rotation—that alone makes you fearless. It’s hard for a lot of people to go to places they’ve never gone before and jump right into the culture. I mean, what’s the longest you’ve spent in any one place?”

  “Maybe a year. A little less.”

  His eyes widened. “See? Fearless.”

  Emily took another bite, chewed it slowly, and pondered his comment. “That’s never felt fearless to me.”

  “Skydiving? Surfing during a tropical storm? Did those things feel fearless?”

  She shrugged. “I never really felt like I had the choice to be scared about those things.”

  He watched her—too carefully. “What do you mean?”

  How much did she tell him? He already knew about her professional failure—did she have to tell all of her secrets? She met his eyes and heard herself start talking, as if she had no choice in the matter at all. A part of her wanted Hollis to know her stories, even the ones that made her feel naked and vulnerable.

  Maybe especially those.

  “After the accident, my grandparents took me back to the apartment where Mom and I were living to pack up our things, and that’s when I found this book of letters from her.” She explained the book and the letters inside.

  “I’ve seen the book,” he said.

  “Yeah, I carry it in my bag most days.” Emily stared out across the ocean. “Makes her feel close.”

  Hollis’s silence felt more like an encouragement to continue than disinterest, so she rummaged through the big bag at her side, pulled the book out, and flipped through until she found the letter titled “On Dreams.”

  “There are a lot of letters that have stuck with me, but this one especially,” she said. She handed him the book so he could read the words she’d committed to memory so many years ago.

  Dear Emily,

  When it comes to dreams, there’s only one way to do it—big. I have big dreams of traveling overseas, and not with my parents. Their version of Europe is much different from mine. I want to see the people and eat the food and experience the culture without all the luxuries Eliza Ackerman insists on.