If for Any Reason

by Courtney Walsh

  She started toward the backyard. She wanted to drink in the ocean, to be reminded how big this world was. It made her problems feel a little smaller, a little less significant.

  He fell into step at her side.

  “How did you find out?” she asked.

  Hollis sighed. “You know I never really trusted the guy.”

  She nodded.

  “I guess I finally put it together. I overheard him talking with your grandma.”

  A breeze kicked up, blowing her hair over her eyes. She tucked it behind her ears and looked at him. “What did they say?”

  Hollis reached for her hand. She slipped it inside his, loving the way it made her feel, then worrying she loved it too much.

  “I didn’t hear everything,” he said. “Just enough to gather that your grandma didn’t like him. I’d seen Jack in your mother’s room really early on. He was sitting at the desk, looking at something. He seemed sad. But then, all of the sudden, there was something about him that reminded me of you—I guess it all clicked.”

  She looked away. “He found a photograph of himself and my mom. Said it was the only one they’d ever taken. My mom must’ve hidden it in her room somewhere, and during the renovations, he unearthed it. He tried to give it to me.”

  “You didn’t take it?”

  Emily shook her head. “How could I?”

  “Look, Emily, I know you’ve got a lot of mixed feelings about him, but I really believe he thought he was doing what was best for you.”

  Emily pulled her hand from his. “How? How is leaving your daughter to grow up without a father ‘what’s best’?”

  Hollis was quiet for a moment, likely thinking of Jolie, of his own mistakes. “I’m just saying, maybe you should give the guy a second chance?”

  Emily stopped walking. They’d reached the edge of the beach, and the sand stretched out in front of them. “Why would I do that, Hollis? He had so many chances over the years to reach out to me. He could’ve come to the hospital after my mom died. He could’ve seen me at the funeral—he was obviously there. He could’ve come to my grandparents anytime and said, ‘Hey, I want to be in her life.’ But he didn’t. He stayed away.”

  “Do you know that for sure?”

  She looked up at him. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, what if he did come to your grandparents?”

  “You think they knew?”

  Hollis shrugged. “I don’t know, but there’s history there, Em. Your grandma must have a reason not to like him.”

  She shook her head. “No, that would be too cruel, even for her.”

  After a pause, Hollis said, “Then maybe he had another reason for staying away.”

  Emily took a step back. “I can’t believe it. You’re siding with him.”

  Hollis moved toward her, but she turned away. “I’m not siding with anyone. I’m just saying, I talked to the guy, Em. He seems sincere. He seems like a dad who screwed up and just wants a chance to make things right.”

  She spun around. “And you know all about that, don’t you? You let Jana raise Jolie like she was a single mother, sending money as if money was what either of them really needed.”

  “Emily, don’t.”

  “But here you are, wanting a second chance, and because you’re Hollis McGuire, you get it. You’ve got that girl wrapped around your finger now—but what happens when you let her down again? What then?”

  “I’m not going to let her down again,” he said.

  “You don’t know that,” Emily said. “That’s what people do. They hurt each other.”

  Hollis’s face fell. “I know you’re upset, Emily.”

  “No, you think because Jack Walker showed up to renovate my house that means he’s somehow ready to be my dad. Well, guess what, I don’t need a dad anymore. I don’t need anyone.”

  “So, what, you’re just going to run away?” Hollis leveled her gaze. “Because that’s what you do, isn’t it? You run.”

  “Like you did with Jolie?” Her tone had turned bitter. She didn’t like it, but she didn’t know how to control it—it was as if her emotions had taken over, leaving all sense of logic and kindness somewhere in the dust.

  He looked wounded, but only for a moment. He drew in a breath and let it out gently. “You’ve never stayed anywhere more than a year,” Hollis said. “You’ve never had a meaningful relationship with anyone, Emily. When things get hard, you run away. But the hard stuff is necessary to get to the good stuff. Don’t you get that?”

  “And suddenly you’re an expert on relationships,” she said with a dry laugh. “You spend a couple of weeks with your daughter and you think everything is just fine now.”

  “No, I don’t,” Hollis said. “I’ve got a lot of work to do—you don’t think I know that?”

  “Do you?”

  “Of course I do. And Jack does too. He screwed up, but maybe there was something else that happened. Maybe there was an explanation—shouldn’t you at least hear him out?”

  “I tried! He barely told me anything.”

  Hollis pushed his hand through his hair and turned away.

  She didn’t want to think about it. She didn’t want to think about going through the hard stuff—she just wanted it all to go away. She wanted him to go away.

  “I know this is hard,” Hollis said. “But hard isn’t always bad. It can be life-changing if you let it.”

  “I suppose you’re going to talk to me about God and how much he loves me? How he’s here for me when things are tough?”

  He kept his eyes intent on her. “I wasn’t going to, but I believe those things.”

  “Well, I don’t,” Emily said. “I tried asking God to help, and this is what happened.”

  “Then maybe it was time for you to find out,” he said. “Maybe you needed this information to move forward.”

  “This is exactly why I keep everyone at arm’s length. This right here.”

  “Why? Because it’s messy? Because it makes you feel something?” Hollis forced her gaze. “What’s wrong with feeling something? It means you’re alive.”

  She looked away.

  “I know that book of letters means everything to you, but, Emily, have you ever stopped to think maybe your mom didn’t have all the answers?”

  Emily wrapped her arms around herself. No. He didn’t get to talk about the letters. She willed herself to stop listening, but he didn’t stop talking, and no amount of wishing it would make him leave.

  “She was young. She hadn’t even had time to change her mind about anything she’d written. Do you really want to live your whole life based on the advice of a twenty-five-year-old?”

  “She was the only person who ever really loved me.”

  “That’s not true,” Hollis said. “And all that stuff she said about love—it’s wrong, Emily.”

  A sob grabbed hold of her throat and squeezed. She choked it back, turned away. She didn’t want to talk about this anymore.

  “She said use caution. She said be careful. She said don’t risk your heart.” He walked around her, placed his hands on her arms, and forced her to face him. “That’s no way to live. That’s no way to love. I don’t want to be cautious. I want to jump in headfirst. I want to give you every single part of myself—no questions. And when it gets hard, I want to go through it—together. I want to be here with you while you sort this all out. I’m not going anywhere.”

  She shook her head. She didn’t need Hollis or anyone else. She didn’t need pity and she didn’t need help. She needed to get as far away from all of this as she could. “You just don’t get it, do you? You don’t get it because you’re just like him.”

  Hollis pulled away. “What?”

  “The only difference is you had everything—you were rich and famous and everyone liked you—but you still didn’t have time for your own daughter.”

  “I explained that to you, Emily.”

  “I know what you said,” she said. “You were messed up. You had issue
s. As if that can explain away a father not being there for his only child. As if there’s ever a reason to let months of a kid’s life pass without seeing them.”

  “It was more complicated than that.”

  “No wonder you side with Jack. No wonder you want me to give him a second chance. Because if I don’t, it makes you feel like you don’t deserve one with Jolie. And you know what? Maybe you don’t.”

  Hollis’s shoulders slumped. She’d wounded him for real this time. No amount of redirecting his emotion would bring him back. She’d been here before. She’d gotten too close, and this was the only way to put the necessary distance between her and the man she thought she loved. This was the only way to protect her own heart.

  He found her eyes. “Emily, what do you really want? Not your mom, not your grandma—you.”

  She held on to his wounded eyes for many more seconds than she should’ve, the images of the life he’d spelled out for her playing on a continuous loop through her mind.

  I want to belong.

  But she didn’t. And she wouldn’t. Not with Hollis or anyone else. She couldn’t face the fact that none of this made sense to her or that nothing was what it had seemed.

  “Good-bye, Hollis,” she said, and then she turned and walked away.

  Hollis watched as Emily made her way back toward the cottage. Going after her now would be a mistake, and besides, he’d run out of words to say. Did she really believe those things about him? He drew in a deep breath, saying a silent prayer that somehow God would change her heart. She was injured—he understood that—but he didn’t want to lose her. Were his mistakes too painful for her to forgive? Too much of a reminder of the way her own father had treated her?

  He turned and took a step toward his cottage when he saw Jolie, standing off to the side. She glared at him.

  “Hey, JoJo.”

  Her face crumpled. “See? I knew you’d ruin everything!”

  She raced off toward the house, Tilly following close on her heels, leaving Hollis standing on the empty beach with nothing but a sick feeling in his stomach.

  CHAPTER 44

  AUGUST 2001

  Isabelle didn’t get out much anymore. She’d accepted life as a single mother, rarely dated, and had mostly given up on her dreams of traveling the world. Sure, she’d been overseas with her parents and with Emily, but it wasn’t the dream she’d had in mind all those years ago.

  Those years when she’d been young and foolish and momentarily impulsive.

  And while she wouldn’t trade her daughter for anything, there was, of course, a part of her that wondered how different her life would be if she hadn’t gotten pregnant so young, if she hadn’t lost JD so abruptly, if she hadn’t settled right back into what was expected of her, gone to school, and immediately begun working at one of her father’s companies.

  Maybe it was the weight of these thoughts that caused her to agree to a night out with three friends she’d known for years. They were young moms now, and they all complained about how they never had time for themselves. The plan was to take a whole night and not think or talk about children.

  But that plan quickly went awry.

  Sitting at a table at the Chicken Box, Isabelle listened to all three of her friends drone on about diapers and teething and not sleeping through the night. She quickly lost interest, people watching at the cramped bar, which was unlike any of the places she usually frequented.

  This place was unpretentious and down-to-earth, like JD’s friends had been all those years ago. It was hard to be on the island without thinking of him. Hard to look at Emily and not see the resemblance.

  Her eyes scanned the crowd, drifting from a group playing darts to a handful of people playing pool and then over to the dance floor, where two drunk women were making complete fools of themselves.

  “I should probably get home,” she said absently.

  “Are you crazy, Isabelle?” her friend Janet squawked. “It’s only eleven.”

  Still, Isabelle was tired. She stood. “I have an early morning.”

  Rebecca grimaced. “Doing what?”

  “My daughter has rehearsal for Charlotte’s Web. You better all get tickets or I’ll consider it a personal insult.” She picked up her purse with a smile.

  A voice behind her stopped her before she could turn to go. “Bella?”

  Rebecca, Janet, and their other friend Dawn all looked past Isabelle, to the voice. A voice she hadn’t heard in twelve years but would never forget.

  She spun around and found a rugged, slightly older-looking JD staring at her.

  “I thought that was you.” He smiled at her.

  She smacked him—hard—across the face.

  He grabbed her by the wrist and held her still as she steadied her breathing, eyes locked on to his.

  “I hoped it was you.” He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it, lingering as the seconds ticked by and her resolve crumbled.

  Even after all these years—even after what he’d done—he still cast a spell over her with one single glance.

  She pulled her hand from his, hitched her purse over her shoulder, and pushed her way through the crowd. She didn’t get more than a few feet when she felt his hand around her arm. She tried to pull away, but his grip was too tight—too tight and yet still gentle, as if he wanted her to know he would never hurt her.

  But he had, hadn’t he? He’d hurt her worse than any physical pain ever could.

  She spun around. “What are you doing?”

  “I need to talk to you,” he said. “Can we go outside where it’s quiet?”

  She hesitated.

  “Just for a minute, Bella. Please.”

  In seconds she was seventeen again, standing in front of JD, wondering what it would be like if he was her “forever.”

  His touch. His kiss. His eyes. They were all so familiar, and yet she had no right to any of them.

  “I don’t have anything to say to you, JD.” She pushed her way through the crowd, wishing she could disappear. He followed her outside, and once they were away from the noise, the music, the people, she finally exhaled.

  Only then did she remember she hadn’t driven herself there. It had been Janet’s idea to come to the bar and Dawn’s idea to take a cab.

  She turned to face him. “What are you doing?”

  “Trying to talk to you,” he said.

  “I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t ever want to see you again.”

  “I know you’re mad.”

  “You think?”

  “Let me explain.”

  “Are you crazy?” She sounded frantic, and his calm tone only made her more so.

  “I didn’t want to leave you back then,” he said. “It was the last thing in the world I wanted, but it’s taken me this long to make something of myself, to grow up.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Think about it, Bella,” he said. “If we’d stayed together, what kind of life would you have had? We would’ve struggled for everything, and you deserve so much more than that. Our daughter deserves more than that.”

  “Oh, so you do know we have a daughter,” she spat.

  “Yeah,” he said sadly. “I know about Emily.”

  Isabelle shook her head. “Why did you leave without a single word? One day you’re talking about getting married, and the next you’ve vanished.”

  He took a step toward her. “I guess I just realized I wasn’t what you needed. So I left. I left and I tried everything to forget you. I even got married.”

  “You’re married?”

  “Not anymore. It wasn’t right, and I tried, but . . .” He shrugged.

  “But what?”

  “She wasn’t you.” He rubbed a hand over his face. “I messed up, and I’ve spent a lot of years working to turn myself into the person you deserved. It’s like that goal has been there at the back of my mind this whole time.”

  “What do you mean? Like, a person with money?”

 
He nodded. “I did that, Isabelle. I can take care of you now, and Emily. I mean, if you’ll have me.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding me.” She turned and walked a few steps away from him. Why hadn’t she driven herself tonight?

  “I know it’s a long shot, Bella, but let me prove myself to you.”

  “No,” she said. “I can’t believe you think any of that matters to me.” She faced him. “You really never knew me at all.”

  He pressed his lips together and drew in a deep breath. “I did know you, Isabelle. Better than anyone else. I loved you—I still do. But you can’t tell me we would’ve made it with no money. We were kids.”

  “But at least we would’ve been together,” she said. “And that would’ve been enough for me.”

  “You say that, but you don’t know!”

  “I do know!” she fired back.

  “How? How do you know that it would’ve been enough?”

  “Because I loved you, JD.” They were face-to-face now, only a foot between them, and he’d captured every ounce of her attention.

  “We would’ve made it,” she whispered. “I had my trust fund. I had money.”

  His face fell, and he pulled his hand away. “You have it because I left.”

  She searched his eyes. What was he saying?

  Seeing the confusion on her face, he drew in another shaky breath, then exhaled slowly. “I didn’t want to tell you this—not ever.”

  “Tell me what?”

  “The real reason I left.”

  After hearing his story, the way her parents bullied him into believing he wasn’t good enough for her or Emily, everything began to make sense. Why he left the way he did. Why he never looked them up. Why her parents moved to North Carolina only months after they returned from Nantucket the summer she got pregnant, making it impossible for JD to find them.

  “I never wanted to leave you, Bella,” he said. “I just didn’t think I could give you the life you deserved, and I didn’t want to be the reason you lost everything. You and Emily deserved to have everything—this was the only way I could make sure you did.”

  She held on to his gaze, unable—or unwilling—to look away.

  A mix of anger and sadness and regret and hurt all wound itself into a tight ball in her belly.