If for Any Reason

by Courtney Walsh

  Suddenly the air grew thin and Emily found it hard to breathe. The realizations in front of her were too many.

  Everything she’d believed had been a lie. And she’d never felt more alone in her life.

  CHAPTER 46

  EMILY STOOD IN LINE, ferry ticket in her hand, refusing to look back at the island. Instead, she focused on the large boat in front of her as passengers spilled out into the street.

  She told herself this wasn’t running. This was self-preservation. She told herself Hollis was all wrong about her, and it was time to start over and put Nantucket behind her for good.

  She told herself those things, but they didn’t help. Everything inside her ached for the life she’d almost had here on the island. It ached for Marisol and Nan and the other volunteers. For the kids she’d taught and grown to love. She’d wanted to stay in their lives. She ached for Hollis and his promise of simplicity.

  She ached to belong.

  And she was angry that she’d let herself believe that she did.

  Of course she didn’t belong here. Why would she delude herself into thinking she did? She’d lost sight of her original plan—get in, renovate the house, and get out.

  If she’d just stayed on task, if she hadn’t let herself get pulled into Hollis’s world, if she hadn’t let Nan’s kindness or Jolie’s sweetness convince her she was a part of their family, everything would be fine right now.

  As much as she wanted to blame Hollis for that, it was her own fault. It was as if she kept searching for the same thing in the wrong places and always she ended up with a broken heart.

  This pain was much deeper than a failed play or a restless spirit, and it was about more than discovering what she had about her father, about her mother, about her grandparents.

  Truth be told, she was most devastated to lose Hollis all over again.

  She quietly swiped a tear as it slid down her cheek. As she did, she felt a tug on her arm.

  “Emily?”

  She turned and found Jolie standing behind her, suddenly mortified that she’d left the girl without so much as a good-bye. How selfish had she been? Jolie had done nothing wrong, and yet the thought of losing her was too much for Emily to process.

  And so she’d left.

  She’d run.

  The realization nearly crushed her. Maybe Hollis was right.

  Emily forced a smile. “Hey, JoJo.”

  “Are you leaving?”

  She drew in a deep breath. “I am.”

  “What about the show? It’s so soon.”

  I’m the worst. I can’t do hard things. I don’t deserve any of this. I need to get out of here.

  “I spoke with Marisol. She’s going to get you guys through the last few rehearsals. You’re ready, though—more than ready. You guys are going to be amazing.”

  “But you’re not going to be there to see it?”

  Emily looked away, and the line started to move toward the ferry. “I don’t think I will be, JoJo. I’m sorry.”

  “Is this about my dad?”

  Jolie had been worried about this exact thing happening. Emily couldn’t make Hollis out to be the bad guy, not when there were so many other things that had led her to make this choice.

  “No. Not really, anyway.” Emily tried to find words. “I mean, there’s a lot going on right now.”

  The girl’s face fell. “No one ever tells me the truth. Everyone thinks I’m too young.”

  Emily knew how that felt. “Some things are just hard to explain.”

  “I knew he would ruin it. Because of him you’re leaving, and the show won’t be as good without you.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “But I won’t see you again,” the girl said, her eyes filling with tears.

  Emily stepped out of line and pulled Jolie into a hug. “That’s not true either. Plus, you have my number, so you can text me anytime.”

  Jolie’s arms were wrapped tightly around Emily’s waist. “It’s not the same.”

  “We’ll stay in touch, I promise.” But even as she said the words, she wondered how it would be possible. How could she keep anyone in her life without being reminded of what she’d lost?

  Jolie stepped away and looked at Emily. “Do you love my dad?”

  Emily was surprised by her forwardness, though she wasn’t sure why. Jolie had never been one to beat around the bush. “I might.”

  “Then how can you leave?”

  “It’s complicated, JoJo.”

  “He said that too. But I think he loves you, and he doesn’t want you to go.”

  “No,” Emily said. “I’m pretty sure after the things I said to him, he probably can’t wait to get rid of me.”

  Jolie reached into her small backpack and removed a white envelope. “He doesn’t know I took this. I don’t think he was planning to send it or anything, but I thought you should have it.”

  “What is it?”

  “You’ll see.” Jolie took a step back, and Emily realized the rest of the line had boarded the ferry.

  “I should go,” she said.

  Jolie threw her arms around Emily again and squeezed—hard. “I’ll miss you.”

  “I’ll miss you too, JoJo.” The lump in her throat almost made speaking impossible.

  Emily pulled away, then headed up the ramp. When she reached the top, she turned and waved at the girl, who waved back. Then Emily wiped her cheeks dry.

  Leaving was the right thing to do, so why did it hurt so much?

  She tucked the envelope in her purse and made her way inside, positioning herself at the center of the boat and trying not to remember Andrew and his little red-and-yellow backpack. Her first day back on the island had only been a couple of months ago, and yet so much had changed—she’d changed.

  And yes, a part of her had wanted to believe it was all real, but none of it was. It was only a way to help her learn the truth, that people couldn’t be trusted.

  Her head spun with conflicting emotions. She was angry with Jack for not coming forward sooner, too angry to consider giving him a second chance. She was sad about losing Hollis, though she knew it was safer this way. She was furious with her grandparents for keeping the truth from her, for interfering the way they did in her parents’ relationship. Her head was filled with more what-if questions than she knew how to manage.

  What if her parents had gotten married?

  What if her grandparents had stayed out of it all?

  What if they’d told her mother the truth from the beginning?

  What if Isabelle had gotten her happily ever after?

  She reached inside her bag and found the book of letters, her only connection to her mom. She pulled out the letter that explicitly told her to be careful when it came to love and she reread the words, words she’d practically memorized.

  Dear Emily,

  In matters of the heart, I’ve learned one very important lesson: be cautious. You don’t want to go around giving your heart to just anyone, and even if you do let yourself fall head over heels for some guy, remember there’s still the great probability he’s going to hurt you. Statistically, most relationships end, so you’d be smart to be very careful.

  None of this “reckless abandon” stuff. It’ll just get you into trouble.

  Hollis didn’t believe any of that. He’d flat-out said her mother was wrong. And Emily could admit he’d almost convinced her—his words had made love sound like something different, like something worth risking her heart for.

  But she knew better.

  She watched as the boat moved away from the dock. She stood and walked toward the window, trying not to replay every memory she’d had that summer and failing miserably.

  It was as if every happy moment had stuck itself on a continuous loop in her mind.

  She slid into a seat near the window, still watching as the island grew smaller and smaller behind them.

  “That’s what you do, isn’t it? You run.”

  Hollis’s words ripp
ed through her mind, an unwanted memory.

  She wasn’t running. She was making a conscious decision. She’d decided she didn’t want to risk the heartache. That wasn’t the same thing.

  She leaned her head against the window and closed her eyes, wishing she could fall asleep, but instead lingered on what she’d learned about her parents and her grandparents.

  Jack and Isabelle had fallen in love—a hormonally driven kind of love, but love nonetheless. Her mother had approached it the way she’d cautioned Emily not to—with reckless abandon. Nothing had held her back. And while she’d made mistakes, Emily had to believe her mother loved Jack, more than she’d ever loved anyone before.

  Then Mom’s parents interfered, split the couple up, broke Isabelle’s heart.

  Isabelle wrote that letter through her pain, a warning to Emily—a warning she herself hadn’t exactly heeded as well as she should’ve.

  Hollis said her mother was wrong.

  Emily sat with that for a long moment. Would Isabelle have thrown that letter away if she’d lived a few more years? Her thoughts turned to the night her mother died. She’d run into Jack in town, and he must’ve told her the truth. He must’ve explained he didn’t want to leave, but he’d been convinced it was the best thing for Isabelle and Emily. Convinced by her parents.

  Isabelle was furious. She was angry. She was on her way to Cliff Road.

  Jack lived on Cliff Road.

  Isabelle was going to Jack. After everything that happened, she was going to give him another chance. She was going to introduce him to his daughter.

  Isabelle loved him even after everything they’d been through.

  Emily opened her eyes but saw nothing. Instead she wrapped her mind around the realization she’d just had.

  Her mother was throwing caution to the wind. Her mother was diving in headfirst. Her mother was going against her own advice in hopes that her relationship with Jack could be rekindled.

  Her mother was choosing love.

  Emily blinked back fresh tears. If only she’d gotten the chance. If only Jack had gotten the chance. For the briefest moment, she lost sight of her own pain and felt very deeply the pain her parents must’ve felt having realized the time they’d lost. She felt Jack’s pain when he discovered Isabelle was gone, that he would never be able to make things right with her.

  Hollis had asked what Emily wanted—not what her mom had wanted or what her grandmother wanted, but what she wanted. And she hadn’t been able to answer because the truth was, what she wanted conflicted with what she thought she should want.

  She wanted to feel the same way she’d felt all those years ago before her mom had died, like she belonged to somebody. But giving yourself to somebody else was a giant risk, and Emily wasn’t sure she could take it.

  Pain squeezed her from the inside. But she already had taken it, hadn’t she? With Hollis, with Jolie, with every single kid who was a part of the show she was directing?

  Emily loved those people—they gave her a sense of purpose. Instead of only living for herself and her so-called dreams, she was discovering that she could play an active part in other people’s lives, and she’d never felt that way before.

  She’d never felt so fulfilled.

  She remembered the way it felt to hug Marta at auditions and tell her she could do this. The way it felt to watch Alyssa and Jolie giggling together, possible friends for life. The way it felt when the kids listened to her advice and became stronger performers because of it. The way it felt to know that she helped create a safe place for them to stretch their creative wings, to find friends, to do things they maybe didn’t believe they could do.

  But it was a mirage. A fairy tale. And now she was eleven years old all over again, pulling away from Nantucket with nothing.

  She’d lost it all.

  She reached inside her bag and took out the envelope Jolie had given her.

  Against her better judgment, she opened it and unfolded the sheet of paper inside.

  Emily,

  You just left me standing on the beach, but I already know you’re leaving. I said a lot of things I regret, and I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve to feel like I wasn’t on your side. The truth is, Jack and I aren’t so different—you were right. And I hate to think that you see in me the same things you see in him, things that have hurt you for so many years.

  I guess I just want you to know that I love you, and I never wanted to hurt you. Actually, I’ve only ever wanted to protect you from getting hurt, so this is hard—seeing the pain in your eyes was hard.

  I want you to do what you need to do, but I also want you to know that I’m here. I couldn’t move on at this point if I tried.

  Whatever you need—I’ll give it to you. I’ll leave you alone. I’ll get in your business. I’ll listen to you and wipe your tears when you cry. I want to help you figure all of this out if you’ll let me.

  Nobody’s ever challenged me the way you do or made me feel the way you do. After I lost baseball, I thought I’d lost everything. But this summer made me realize there is so much more in life—you and Jolie and building a home.

  Because yeah, I’ve turned into a sappy loser, and it’s all your fault.

  I’m here, Emily. Always.

  I love you.

  Hollis

  She stared at his name for several seconds, then reread the words he’d written. It was a rare peek inside what he was really thinking, words he most likely would’ve never said aloud.

  She ran her finger over his handwritten I love you, her heart conflicted at the words.

  He could love her, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t hurt her.

  She folded the letter up and tucked it inside her purse, replaying the words she’d said to him the last time they’d spoken.

  Her words were mean and full of anger, and he’d written these kind things immediately after she’d treated him so poorly?

  She didn’t deserve his kindness. She didn’t deserve his love.

  But he was giving it to her. Freely. No strings. Like a gentleman, he said he’d give her what she needed, whether it was a shoulder to cry on or space, with no thought to his own needs.

  The realization shamed her. It was a pure example of unconditional love, something she’d only ever felt from her mother. Something she’d given up on ever feeling again.

  But then, wasn’t it just an example of the way God loved her? How many times had she gotten angry with him? How many times had she said terrible, awful things to him? And yet, as far as she could tell, he was still there, loving her.

  And she didn’t deserve it. But she needed it.

  She glanced out the window, aching for a view of the island and wondering why she’d gotten on the ferry at all.

  It was time to stop running. It was time to actually step up and do hard things.

  But she had no idea where she’d find the courage to begin.

  Dear Mom,

  It’s funny in all this time, I’ve never written you back. I suppose it seemed crazy because, you know, you’re gone.

  But today, sitting in a hotel in Cape Cod, contemplating the mess I’ve made of things, I realized it was time. Time for me to let you go.

  I was trying to hold on to you so tightly that I didn’t realize there was a whole life out there that I wasn’t living. My life.

  I never stopped to ask myself what I really wanted or who I wanted to spend time with. I did the things I thought I was supposed to do instead. And some things that turned out to be huge mistakes.

  It all caught up with me, though, and I’ve realized lately that I only get one life, and it would be wrong not to figure out what I’m supposed to do with it. And for the first time, the only one I want helping me make that decision is God.

  Surprising, right? I thought he’d abandoned me, but it seems maybe he was there all along—maybe it was time for me to deal with this pain so I could move forward.

  Your letters sometimes talked about God, about faith, about how he’s t
here whenever I’m ready. And I thought my mistakes negated all of that. I thought all the ways I messed up meant that I was not worthy of that kind of love.

  But then . . . Hollis. He showed me what that kind of love looks like.

  You remember Hollis, right? You always said he’d be a heartbreaker, and you weren’t wrong.

  But he hasn’t broken my heart. In fact, I have a feeling if I give it to him, he’ll protect it like it’s a priceless treasure. He’ll take good care of it, I think. I know it won’t be perfect, of course, and it’s risky—loving someone else. But I think it’s also risky not to at least try. Because I don’t want to get to the end of my life and regret that I never let myself be loved.

  Hollis recently did something so unselfish that I realized what it means to be loved even when you don’t deserve it. I guess a part of me has always felt undeserving. I felt responsible for everything that happened. I ruined everything, so of course I would live the life I thought you wanted me to. I owed it to you.

  But I finally see that the only life you want me to live is the one uniquely designed for me.

  I’m going to do that now. I’ll make mistakes. I might stumble into some trouble or feel pain once in a while—but that’s just it—I’ll finally feel alive. Because life isn’t only about the good things. It’s about the roller coaster of emotions. It’s about diving in headfirst even when you’re scared.

  It’s about finding the place where you belong and then holding on with both hands.

  And it’s especially about working through the hard to get to the beautiful.

  So here’s to a beautiful life, Mom. Lived in your honor but in my own way.

  I will always cherish the words you left behind, and I pray I’ll make you proud. But it’s time to stop running now, and it’s time to forgive and move on.

  All my love,

  Emily

  CHAPTER 47

  HOLLIS STOOD BACKSTAGE, listening to the sound of indistinct chatter filling the auditorium.