Book of Life

by Abra Ebner

  I managed to get my fingers under the icy frame of the window and lift it open enough that I could roll in. I hit the floor with a thump, cursing under my breath. Luckily, I was alone and it didn’t matter—or so I thought.

  The lump of clothes and blankets on my bed lurched, causing me to lurch in return. I quickly crawled toward my closet where I was lucky to find a pair of basketball shorts. The pile on my bed fought and rustled as I fought to pull the hem of my pants over the parts that mattered. With one last thrust, my pants were up and the pile of blankets on the bed flew off. A shadowed image of Jane in a long t-shirt now stood on my bed, her back in the corner, hands wrapped around the handle of a baseball bat.

  It took a moment for my mind to adjust to the fact that it wasn’t Jane at all, though I felt suddenly tossed back in time to the day Jane and I had attempted to become more than just friends—though it had been a lot less violent. Most importantly, however, where had she found the baseball bat?

  “Whoa,” I whispered. “It’s just me.”

  Her golden eyes flashed in the moonlight. She was huffing hard, her brown hair in her face. Spindly, bare legs shook as her feet sunk into the sagginess of my old mattress. This version of Jane was a lot different than the Jane I had known. She was far edgier and unpredictable, eyes wild where Jane’s were always calm and plain.

  “What are you doing in here?” I demanded.

  She allowed the bat to drop a little, shrugging her shoulders as she tried to motion toward Lacy’s room.

  “Did Lacy say you could sleep here?”

  She nodded, still trying to calm her breathing.

  “She would,” I murmured under my breath.

  EMILY:

  I was dreaming—dreaming of Jake’s blue light and the way it made me feel. Amongst all the darkness in my life, there it was, floating there like the best drug I could ever want to take. In my dream I was floating along with it. Together we danced for a long while, and it was here and only here that I felt calm and whole again.

  I began to wake. Holding tight to the light, I felt a sinking feeling as it slipped away despite my tight grip. I didn’t want it to go. I didn’t want to lose this feeling. The light jerked away from me and I woke with a start. I sat up in bed, breathing hard and finding myself alone. I struggled to catch my breath—where was Wes?

  Emotion overcame me as I felt the familiar cut of loneliness rip through me. For the last couple of days since the incident at the priory, my body had admittedly been struggling to forget the hallucinating trance of taking Greg’s pills. Now was no time to leave me alone. With my hand I felt all around me in the dark, hoping that perhaps I’d find Wes somewhere nearby. I leaned toward the edge of the bed and looked over, thinking perhaps he’d be on the floor. From time to time he’d sleep there when I was restless and kicking. He wasn’t there.

  “Wes?” I whispered. Sometimes he got up to use the restroom but could always hear my voice since his animal instincts had improved. I waited for a reply that never came. I waited for a return that never happened. I tried to open my mind and listen for his thoughts but this was as useless as everything else—he’d gotten good at hiding them from me.

  Rolling back to my side of the bed, I felt a lump of something under the covers. I fished for whatever it was, finding Wes’s pajamas there. I pulled them out, confused until I realized it meant he’d snuck off in animal form.

  Ten minutes I sat there like a statue with his pajamas in my hands, thinking that maybe I was still dreaming and that this was all a mistake—it wasn’t. How could he leave me? Where had he gone? For almost three weeks now he had been a literal part of me, not allowing me to leave his side no matter how I treated him. I was disgusted by the way I had been treating him but I couldn’t help it. Didn’t I deserve to act this way, though?

  I thought about what Jane would tell me in answer, but I didn’t like it. I began to worry as I laid my head back onto the pillow. I suddenly felt guilty about my dreams as though being with the blue light was cheating. I pulled the covers up around my face, hoping that if I could fall back asleep, I’d wake up and Wes would be there. I forced my eyes shut, but it was some time before sleep returned and when it did, the blue light was no longer any part of it.

  WES:

  I looked behind me and out the window. I could hear Stella drop the bat onto the mattress behind me. Across the alley was Jane’s darkened room. I hadn’t been back to my own room like this in some time. For a moment the sight stole the breath from my lungs. Jane had been my best friend. She had meant so much to me. I wanted to expect that she’d be standing there in the window.

  Lost in a trance, I hardly noticed as Stella arrived at my side, looking where I was.

  I twisted my head and looked down at her. I observed her profile. From the curve of her nose to the peak of her lips she was exactly like Jane. I followed the rosy kiss of her cheeks until they found her long, dark lashes, and that’s where it all changed into the stranger beside me. I swallowed hard, forcing myself to look away. “That was Jane’s room. The person you look like.”

  Her attention turned to me. She stared at my lips as I talked, not bothering to look back at Jane’s room.

  “It’s funny to see you here when I’m so used to seeing you, or rather Jane, there.” I reveled in the attention—attention I had been craving. In the beginning, it had seemed so easy, too easy to get over Jane as I fell head over heels for Emily. I was beginning to realize that it wasn’t so easy. Just as Emily was sure to relapse into drugs, perhaps I would in this way. “Lacy always called you Missy, though. Stella was the name I gave you.”

  She smiled, looking happy about that fact.

  “It’s funny that that’s the one that stuck.” I couldn’t hide the half smile, thinking back to Stella as she had been. She was playful and full of energy, her desires to be near me an admittedly flattering trait of hers. I wondered if she still felt the same way.

  She kept smiling, her eyes searching mine. She was so attentive, so animated about every word I spoke.

  “Did Lacy ever tell you that? She always figured you preferred Missy.”

  She shrugged.

  “I should thank you for bringing my sister back to me. Before that, I had no family at all.” I tried to sound grateful.

  She nodded this time, her lips parting as her eyes darted away from me. “Stella,” she whispered.

  Her voice was soft, but it too sounded just like Jane. I knew it was all she could say in response. It seemed she understood the rest of it, however. Her face showed a lot of emotion—emotion I never thought it could when the soul was Jane’s. “Any luck with talking?”

  She frowned and shook her head.

  I nodded. “It will come to you.” I noticed that she kept stealing a glance at my bare stomach. I suddenly felt naked and guilty. For a split second Emily occupied my thoughts. I quickly reached for a shirt and pulled it over my head.

  Stella blushed and turned away from me, making her way back to my bed where she crawled under the covers, wrapping her bare legs. She was mimicking my sudden shyness. After she was properly tucked away, she looked up at me and pointed out the window in the direction of Emily’s room. Her face was inquisitive.

  “Emily?” I asked.

  She nodded.

  “She’s sleeping,” I said plainly.

  Stella didn’t look satisfied by that answer, appearing frustrated as she tried again to specify what she meant. She wiped a fake tear from her cheek with a frown.

  “Is she sad? Is that what you mean?”

  Stella nodded.

  I snorted. “Of course she’s sad. She’s sort of always sad. It’s her thing. Sometimes I feel like she likes it that way on purpose. I don’t know if she is capable of being happy.” I instantly regretted saying it, but it came out so easily and it felt good to say. I had no one to talk to about Emily. Lacy always told me to get over it, Max was too busy, and Jake . . . I wasn’t about to talk to Jake about my problems with Emily, not when he ha
d a crush on her. Was I really so weak to allow all that?

  Stella’s expression seemed gloomy, her eyes losing their light.

  “Don’t feel bad for her, really. What you are is not your fault.” I could see her sadness reflecting regret about being a spitting image of Emily’s dead sister—at least that’s what I assumed a look like that meant.

  Stella nodded as though to refuse my attempt to dispel her worries. She was trying to imply, despite my reassurances, that it was still her fault.

  “It’s not your fault,” I said more firmly. I crossed the room and sat on the edge of the bed. “When I look at you I only see parts of Jane. A hint,” I lied.

  Stella reached forward and grabbed my hand. A tear fell from her eye.

  I felt my heart shatter with longing. The touch was what I needed and I couldn’t help but indulge myself. I grabbed her hand back. For so long I had dreamed that Jane would open up to me like this. I allowed myself a moment of fantasy, imagining that she finally was.

  Stella wiped her tear away with her free hand, turning her face toward the wall and sinking her chin against the same hand as it was now propped on her leg.

  I still squeezed her other hand in mine, trying to comfort her. “I wish I knew what you were thinking.”

  Stella smiled through another tear. She shook her head and rolled her eyes.

  I laughed awkwardly.

  She pulled her hand away, burying it into the covers as she slid down and placed her head against one of my pillows. She motioned with her chin in the direction of Emily’s room. She was urging me to go back. Truthfully, I wasn’t sure I wanted to. A small part of me wanted to stay here. But, Stella was persistent, now using her hand as it snuck out from under the covers, flicking her fingertips. She wasn’t going to make it easy for me stay.

  I conceded to her wishes, my gut knowing that my time here was spent—I felt almost homeless. I couldn’t be here, but I was tired of the negativity with Emily. What choice did I have? I rose from the bed and made my way back to the window sill. I slid open the window. “Close this after I leave, will you? It’s a little difficult for me, as you can imagine.”

  Stella nodded and giggled.

  I quickly changed into an owl as the shorts and shirt fell to the floor, save one sleeve which caught on one wing. I struggled ungracefully for a moment. Stella giggled a little harder and some of my embarrassment faded. It sounded so good to hear that laugh. Once free, I hopped up to the sill as a gust of cold wind whipped into the room. With one last glance over my shoulder I dropped out of the window, swooping sharply between the houses and into the front yard. There, I changed into a cat and found my way to the pet door on the side of the house. Entering the kitchen, the lighthearted feeling that had occupied my soul suddenly drowned in familiar scents of sadness lurking in every corner of this house. I found my way quietly back to Emily’s room, suddenly depressed.

  STELLA:

  His shadow could be seen reflected against Emily’s house across the alley. I watched it until it disappeared. Swiftly, I threw the covers off me and dove toward the window. I looked out, hiding in the shadows of the room. There I saw Wes change again from an owl into a cat. I was impressed, wishing I knew how to do that, too. I guess I could, as Lacy had explained to me, but I hadn’t found the means to, just as I still hadn’t found the means to talk.

  When Wes disappeared around the corner I wanted nothing more than for him to come back. Why had I sent him away? I was stupid. I slouched down on the floor with one arm still notched onto the window sill. For whatever reason, the cool air felt good, but perhaps it was his scent still lingering on the breeze that I was holding onto.

  Looking away from the moon, my gaze rested on the pile of clothes he left behind. I reached for it, finding comfort in the warmth that still remained on them. I balled them up and brought them into my lap. His scent lingered on them as it lingered on everything in the room. I had been delighted when Emily offered to let me sleep in here.

  So far, I’d tried my best to hide the fact that I felt a strong pull toward Wes. He’d caught me tonight, staring at him. I couldn’t help it. I knew he was with Emily, but in a way I felt that if he didn’t love her anymore, it wasn’t my fault if he began to turn to me for comfort.

  I still felt confused as to why I was supposed to find him. As of yet he hadn’t helped me to talk, or truly change my life, but still. Deep inside I felt like I’d found something big.

  I rose from the floor with a shiver and shut the window. I breathed against the glass as it fogged, looking in the direction of Emily’s window, wishing it were me he had come back to, wishing it were me wrapping my arms around him, wishing it were me that he was trying to keep warm.

  I squeezed the clothes in my hands and turned away. Walking back to bed, I slid inside and pulled the covers to my face. I balled the clothes under the covers with me, pretending he was still here, imagining that he had given into me, just like that. My drive to be with him felt deep, and as I fell asleep, I knew that one day I would be—I’d make sure of that.

  EMILY:

  I woke from a half sleep to the sound of the bedroom door slowly swinging open. Groggy, I sat up, my eyes already adjusted to the dark. There, a cat walked carefully into my room, its eyes—Wes’s eyes—meeting mine with a guilty look. I searched frantically through his thoughts but they were closed.

  “Where were you?” I asked grumpily.

  The cat began to morph, and before I knew it, Wes was sliding into bed with me. I handed him his pajamas and he pulled them on. A small part of me wanted to stop him, kiss him, slide my body against his, but it was quickly quieted by the depression that seeped under my skin, rendering me useless.

  “I went for a walk,” he said vaguely, snuggling into the bed and turning his back to face me.

  Fear trickled over me, fear in the way I would feel if Jane were still around—technically she was. “Where?”

  “Just . . . outside.” He sounded annoyed.

  I pushed anyway. “Why?”

  He shifted his weight. “Because I needed some air. I couldn’t sleep. That’s all.”

  “But why? What were you thinking?” I felt helpless to stop myself.

  “I was thinking about Max and Srixon and why I can’t help.”

  His excuse felt like something he thought I wanted to hear. I tried again to break into his thoughts, but came up empty handed.

  “You didn’t go to see your sister or anything?” I pried.

  He suddenly flipped over to face me. “No, Emily. I didn’t. I contemplated finding Max, but . . .” He sounded angry now.

  I had bugged him about it all week. I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of him hanging around Stella. I saw the way she looked at him. I was no idiot, even if it seemed Wes was seemingly clueless. I didn’t really know what his thoughts on Stella were as he’d kept his thoughts to himself lately. This seer game was no fun when everyone knew I could hear them thinking. Stella, too, kept her mind pretty closed off. All of a sudden I was feeling less than special without the use of my abilities.

  I searched his eyes for any clue that he was hiding something. Lately, however, it looked like he was hiding something all the time, so that was just as useless.

  “Listen, you need to calm down. I’m not going to leave you. I know that would kill you right now so consider it a non-issue.”

  I felt my heart sink, reading into his words. “You know that would kill me right now? What does that mean—that you’d leave me if it were any other time?”

  He sighed hard. “No, Emily. Stop doing this.”

  “I can’t stop doing this when you say something like that.”

  He reached under the covers and grabbed my hand. “Emily, seriously, you know how I am with words. Half the time I’m just saying something wrong and you always take it too literally. Give me a break, alright? I’m trying my best here.”

  I felt guilty.

  “I’ve been trying,” he murmured.

  I snorted
. “See, stuff like that. How am I supposed to take that?”

  He drew in a long, deep breath before opening his mouth, only to shut it again. He rolled over, his back to me. “Goodnight, Emily.”

  I felt angrier. Why couldn’t I stop myself? I saw what I was doing. I saw that I was driving him away but I couldn’t help it. Wes had been the only real boyfriend I’d ever had. I couldn’t fail at this. “I’m sorry,” I tried, but he didn’t respond. “It’s just the whole Jane thing.”

  “It’s always the Jane thing,” he said quietly, so quietly I didn’t know if he actually meant for me to hear it or not.

  “I’m sorry,” I said again, more tartly.

  He still didn’t move, but at least he responded. “If you were sorry, then you’d get over it. Goodnight.”

  His final words stung. I wanted to cry, feeling as though I’d lost the sweet Wes that once took the time to try and understand. Seeing that this conversation was only getting worse, I kept my mouth shut this time. As I laid there I couldn’t help but think of Jake’s blue light again—would it try to understand me? It was ridiculous to think something so unearthly could do that, but then again maybe it wasn’t the light I was looking for, maybe it was something more.

  MAX:

  I was heartbroken to hear Jane’s thoughts on my decision, but it was what I had expected to some degree. I guess given her life reveling in the idea of death she’d be okay with the decision. Then again, she’d lived but a moment on Earth and I’d lived what felt like an eternity—not much held wonder for me anymore.

  She would grow to look past that, though. This I was certain. Her love for me would make her see that life is no life without me. Call me brash, but it’s true. What I didn’t want to tell Jane was that trying to bring her back now challenged my nature. With the arrival of Stella I saw that things weren’t the way I thought they were. Jane’s body had found a life. I feared that bringing Jane back meant having to kill Stella—I couldn’t do that. If Jane knew, she would understand as I did, but why burden her with the thought?