Holding a Hero

by Layne, Lyssa

  I’d been painting along silently for about ten minutes when I had to stop. My vision was so blurred from all the Goddamn tears I couldn’t see what the fuck I was doing anymore. To add to my frustrations, several droplets had landed on the fresh paint, leaving marks behind I hadn’t exactly intended for.

  Angry with myself and my stupid emotions, I grabbed a rag from my pile and wiped off all the paint I had only just applied. “Stupid fucking hormones,” I grumbled as if that would somehow make me feel better. I mean, I was all for placing blame, but it was becoming less and less satisfying the more frequently I did it.

  I threw the paint soaked towel across the room, hurling all of my anger with it. Big mistake. Next thing I knew, I was so overwhelmed with pain and regret and the feeling of complete and utter helplessness over not knowing how to overcome my pride and get back the one thing that could heal my heart, that I was hunched over, bracing myself on the large dresser I’d been painting.

  With my back to the door, I only heard the creak of it as it opened. Instantly, I stiffened up, determined not to have Aunt Deb find me in a puddle for the second time in one day. I took several rushed breaths, trying to calm my nerves when I felt the strength of two familiar hands on my waist, spinning me around.

  Next thing I knew, his lips were coming down on mine, claiming my mouth with a fierceness that would have frightened me if it had been anyone else. Only it wasn’t anyone else. It was him. The one person who could make right again every mistake I had made in the last week. I wanted him to claim me. With his lips. His body. His heart. There was no one else I wanted to belong to. No one else I wanted for myself.

  My arms reached up around his neck as I drank up his kisses. My body acted of its own accord like a magnet being drawn to its counterpart, the way it opened up to him, desperate to be made whole again.

  Moving with the same urgency I was feeling, his hands slid down under my ass and gripped it firmly, lifting me up off the ground and onto the dresser behind me. In one smooth motion the oversized t-shirt I’d been wearing was being pulled over my head, while I fumbled blindly with his belt buckle and zipper.

  Our hands roamed freely, wildly caressing every last inch of each other like two starving souls searching for their life source. His kisses grew deeper and deeper, pulling me into him until neither of us could take it any longer.

  His hands traveled down and he yanked me toward the edge of the dresser.

  “Promise me, you won’t ever question my love for you ever again, Joss,” Derek’s words rumbled in my mouth. “Promise.”

  My eyelids fluttered open long enough to see the truth that had been there all along. “I promise,” I breathed against his lips as he came in for another kiss.

  Then, he was inside of me, filling me with such ecstasy, it pushed every ugly feeling out of existence.

  After having completely devoured each other, we wound up content and exhausted on the cold stone floor of my workshop, still hopelessly entangled in one another and barely covered by one of my tarps. I couldn’t help but think how perfectly we reflected on the outside what had always been true on the inside. We’d had each other tied up in the knots from the very start. It had just taken me a while to realize it would be okay to stay that way.

  “I’m sorry.” I didn’t know if I was still breathless from our little escapade on the dresser or if it was the onslaught of feelings driving the breath from my lungs.

  Derek lifted himself onto his side, his hand tenderly sweeping the contours of my face. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Joss.”

  “Yes, I do. And you’re going to have to let me apologize from time to time if this is going to work, because I’m going to fuck up plenty and you can’t constantly swoop in and claim responsibility for it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, a girl likes it when a guy is happy to admit she’s always in the right, but we both know I’m way too hotheaded and stubborn to never make mistakes.”

  He chuckled faintly the way people did when it still hurt to laugh. “Maybe we should just make a deal right now, to never apologize for saying what we feel, even when those feelings aren’t pleasant to hear. At least we’ll know the other is always being honest.”

  I nodded slowly. This was it. My moment. The opening I needed and yet had no desire to fill because I wasn’t ready. Because saying it out loud would change everything, and I was already pretty tapped out on uncertainties at the moment.

  “Derek.”

  His eyes had been traveling the length of me, roaming my body in a way that sent tingly warm sensations to the pit of my stomach. This was what it felt like to have someone look at you that way.

  The sound of his name brought his attention back up to my face. “Yeah?” he murmured, closing in on my lips.

  “In keeping with our all honesty arrangement, there’s something I need to tell you.”

  He nudged the tip of my nose with his. “Go ahead. Just remember. No apologies.”

  “Ha. You say that now…”

  He retracted far enough to take in my entire face. The worry was starting to leave its mark around my eyes and mouth and I knew he could tell.

  “Whatever it is, Joss, it won’t change a thing. If these last three days have taught me anything, it’s that this is the only place on earth I want to be. Right here with you, Wyatt and Hattie. Our own perfect little family.”

  My lips twisted into a crooked smile. “Well, hold that thought. Because it’s about to get a little less little.”

  Derek’s brow furrowed for a moment while he worked out for himself what I had just said. “Are you saying…but I thought…wait, what are you saying exactly?”

  I took one final big breath and then let the words fall out of my mouth with the exhale. “I’m pregnant. I took the test this morning.”

  Much to my surprise, his whole face lit up. “What? How?”

  Totally enthralled by his reaction, I grinned. “Fuck if I know. Those parts aren’t even supposed to work on me.”

  “What do you mean?” His hand came down to cup my abdomen as if he could already feel the baby that was yet to reach peanut size.

  “My tubes are all jacked up. Found out when I was a teenager. Apparently there was some sort of infection at some point and it caused some scaring which was supposed to prevent the egg and sperm from making contact.” I made a face. “Sounds horribly romantic, doesn’t it?”

  “Sounds like our baby is a fucking miracle, actually.” Next thing I knew he was up on his feet, reaching for my hands and bringing me to him. “Joss Kelley, if I wasn’t already married to you, I’d propose to you right now.”

  “Why? Because I’m having your kid? That sounds like a pretty archaic reason to get married don’t you think?” It was hard to keep a straight face when his was so full of excitement.

  “No, jackass. I’d be happy to have a hundred illegitimate babies with you.”

  “Whoa there.”

  “Same as I would marry you a hundred times over, just for the chance to hear you say that you are mine and no one else’s.” His words rolled softly in my ear.

  “What makes you think I’d ever say a thing like that?” I teased as he trailed kissed down my neck.

  “Same reason I’ll be yours until the day I die, Joss. You healed my heart by trading me yours. One will never be the same without the other. And you know I’m right.”

  He was.

  ***

  I still couldn’t fucking believe what was happening. A baby. A half – Joss, half – me person we had created in the midst of destruction. If that wasn’t a fucking sign of some sort, I didn’t know what was.

  “Did you tell Deb yet?” I watched as she slid the stretched out Boston Red Sox shirt back over her head and let it drape down her torso until it touched the tops of her thighs. Lucky didn’t even begin to cover it.

  “I didn’t tell anyone. I was barely even able to digest the news myself.” She strolled over and placed a flirtatious kiss on my lips like she’d known exactly what I’d been thi
nking as I watched her get dressed.

  I cleared my throat and closed my eyes in an attempt to shut out the sight of her and what that sight was doing to me. It was pointless. The image of those pouty lips, piercing green eyes and seductive curves was forever burnt into my mind. I’d never be safe from it. Which in turn meant, neither would she.

  My eyelids lifted, prepared to continue the conversation, but the sight of her standing there completely naked, stretched out T-shirt in a pile on the floor at her feet, left me damn near speechless. Now she could read fucking minds, too.

  “What were you saying?” she murmured as her lips found their way to my earlobe, teeth nipping at my skin.

  “Who fucking cares?” She was up in arms, back pressed against the wall before either of us had a chance to say anything else.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Wednesday morning came flying at us faster than a moth to light and much like that moth, we were in for a wicked burn. I arrived at the courthouse thirty minutes early, without Derek. For some inexplicable reason, he’d been gone when I woke up, and much to my annoyance, wasn’t answering his phone. The entire time I got ready, I kept expecting him to suddenly show up again, just as abruptly as he had vanished, but by the time I had to leave, he was still MIA.

  Regardless of showing up with time to spare, Diane had beat me there. As per her usual, she was pacing back and forth like a mad woman, typing things into her phone at lightning speed.

  “No Derek?” It wasn’t the warmest of welcomes, but whatever.

  “I’m sure he’ll be here. He just…had a thing.” Lame. And I felt it.

  “Well, no worries. This is just a formality anyway. The judge has already made his decision, so there’s really no reason left to try and impress him. Won’t sway him either way.” Diane’s attention was already back on her phone again as she spoke.

  “Tell me honestly, Diane. Where do we stand? Am I totally fucked here?” I didn’t see how it was possible, but all rationality had evacuated my system and what was left was in no way capable of thinking clearly. Not to mention, I was still on the verge of tossing my cookies every time my eyes perceived any sense of motion. As far as I was concerned, morning sickness could suck it. I had shit to do. Real, life-changing things to focus on. This baby was going to have to sit back and wait until I was good and ready to give it my attention. I mean, that’s why it came with that nine-month incubation period, right?

  For once, Diane actually put her phone down. I panicked, not knowing if that was a good or bad sign.

  “Honey, our case was rock solid from beginning to end. Even when they tried to trip us up, all they really did was strengthen the evidence that proves you and Derek can provide the better home for Wyatt. I can’t imagine any judge in his right mind coming into this now, and ripping your son from his home to take a chance on someone who has done the bare minimum to show he is even capable of caring for another human being. Hell, I wouldn’t trust that man with a hamster. The only thing Travis has going for him is donate a little DNA. In this day and age, I think we all know that a genetic connection is not what makes one a parent. You are his mother, which is precisely why you will win.”

  She squeezed my hand for added reassurance. “Joss? Are you shaking?”

  “Sorry. Just haven’t been eating and sleeping well.” I managed to press my lips together in what I hoped was a polite smile and not an ugly grimace.

  “Well, that explains your complexion,” Diane muttered dryly as she led me over to the nearest bench to have a seat. “You just try and calm your nerves. I’ll come and get you when it’s time to go in. Do you need anything? Coffee? Juice? Maybe a bagel or an IV drip with morphine?”

  Much to my own surprise, I heard myself giggle. “I think I’ll be alright. Thanks though.” The only thing I really needed was Derek. And he was nowhere to be found.

  A little while later I was following Diane down the aisle of our courtroom toward our table on the left. We were the first ones there, which was fine by me. Perfect really because it meant I wouldn’t have to make the walk while under Travis’s smug glare. In fact, if I so chose, I would be able to harass him with mine when he made the trip himself.

  I didn’t. But I fucking could have.

  As was only natural for Travis, he caused a near scene just by arriving. From the looks of things, he was having some sort of a tiff with his wife, who appeared to be just about as miserable as I was that morning. Suppose she had every right to be though. She fucking had to live with that piece of shit. I’d be miserable twenty-four/seven if I were her. Of course, I never would have married the son of a bitch, so I guess really I couldn’t relate at all. I was trying though. For some inexplicable reason, I saw her as my kin, my unspoken ally in the room. It was stupid, but I couldn’t help it. I simply couldn’t fathom one mother going up against another in defense of Travis the asshole. It went against all rules of nature. Of motherhood. So my secret, imaginary ally she remained.

  But she wasn’t the only one Travis was lashing out at under his breath. He was having a real go at both of his lawyers as well and I wondered for probably the hundredth time how he’d even been able to afford them. On the other hand, I really didn’t care to know. Whatever his source of income was these days, it was highly doubtful that it was legal.

  Then, all of the chaos keeping my mind so beautifully distracted came to a crashing halt when I heard the dreaded announcement that meant the fate of my world was about to be revealed.

  “All rise for the honorable Judge Parrish.”

  And we did. In unison, the entire room came to its feet. We hovered there momentarily while the judge entered and settled at the bench.

  “You may be seated.”

  My breathing was so shallow at this point I thought I might pass out, so sitting couldn’t have come at a better time. Neither could the hand I suddenly felt clasping mine. I didn’t have to turn my head to know who it belonged to. My palm only molded into one other like that.

  “You’re here,” I whispered.

  “Of course.” I would never doubt him again after that. If Derek said he would be there, even if he’d said it a year in advance, he would be. It wasn’t in him to let me down. Part of me felt like an ass for not understanding that sooner.

  There was a sound of shuffled papers as Judge Parrish got himself situated. Then he began with his ruling and my lungs ceased to take in breath.

  “Custody cases are never easy, but they become even more complex when we are faced with situations such as this one. After spending the last few weeks listening to both sides, it is clear to me that Wyatt Leroux has had a warm and loving home these past three years with Joss Kelley. I have no doubt that she has cared for him as though he were her own flesh and blood, providing him with everything a growing boy needs. And, after spending some time with Wyatt, and hearing testimony from several professionals in the field of child psychology, no one can argue that he is indeed a thriving, well-adjusted and well-mannered young man, in spite of his traumatic circumstances early on in life.”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I could see a satisfied smile resting on Diane’s lips, but I didn’t dare allow myself to feel the same confidence. Not until I heard the judge say the words out loud.

  “However. I have also spent a great deal of time studying case files from your previous dealings with this court regarding Wyatt Leroux’s custody, and I have to say, I don’t share my predecessor’s findings. While Joss Kelley certainly made a good case for herself, now as well as then, I see no reason why her rights to the boy should trump those of his biological father. Because of this, I must rule in favor of Mr. Buratta. Awarding him sole custody, effective immediately. Counselors, please instruct your clients that they have twenty-four hours to make arrangements for the child to be returned home to his father. Court adjourned.” The sound of his gavel as it hit its mark sent an explosive boom through my entire body.

  I leapt to me feet, shouting, “No. You can’t do that. Your honor, please. You d
on’t understand. That man is a monster. He has done horrible things to myself as well as my son! You can’t just let him take Wyatt. He won’t be safe. Please!” In my desperation I turned to Travis’s wife. My secret ally. “You know. You know what he’s really like! Please, I’m begging you, one mother to another, you have to tell the judge what he’s like. What he’ll do to Wyatt. Please.” My screams were going on deaf ears as the blast of the gavel continued through my cries.

  “Counsel, control your client or I’ll be forced to hold her in contempt of court.”

  I didn’t care. He could arrest me if he had to. Might as well get used to being behind bars anyway, because I would kill Travis myself before I risked him laying a hand on my son. I was about to tell the judge just what I thought of his ruling when I felt Derek’s hand firmly on the back of my neck attempting to calm me down. Then, everything went black.

  ***

  Joss’s body hung limp in my arms, but at least I knew she was safe. We’d been seconds away from the bailiff dragging her off in handcuffs, and that wouldn’t have done anyone any good. So, I’d done what I’d needed to get her safely from the room. If she wanted to rage at me for it later, I’d be happy to be at the receiving end of whatever she could dish out.

  I was busy hitting send on a text to Aunt Deb when Diane came up beside us.

  “Remind me never to stand within your reach.” she was shaking her head at me, a mixture of awe and slight unease in her face. Then her gaze drifted downward, landing on Joss who looked like she was sleeping peacefully against my chest, at least for the time being. It was only a matter of minutes before she’d come to again and then there would be no peace to speak of.

  “Poor thing. This is going to kill her.” It was the first time I’d seen just how personally invested Diane had gotten over the course of this case.