Holding a Hero

by Layne, Lyssa

  ''It is.” He winked. “It might tickle too.''

  I cleaned his workstation and got the bottles of ink I thought he would need, then placed the sterile needles on his sterile plate and replaced all the plastic covering his electrical cords. I was ready in less than twenty minutes and so was Levi. He placed the chair the way he needed it to be, lifted my top to the level of my bra and I settled down against the chair. He ran his fingers up and down my hip where the tattoo would be.

  ''Ready?'' he asked.

  ''As I’ll ever be.'' He tapped my butt, gave me a little squeeze and got his markers ready, before he started drawing on my skin. It did really tickle, and I had a hard time remaining still and quiet. He took his time, making sure everything looked right. More than once, he pulled away and looked at it from a different angle. It took him about forty minutes to get it completed, suggesting I take a look in the mirror to make sure I was happy with the position. He seemed nervous and asked me repeatedly if everything was alright. I was pleased, it was beautiful and it really defined the curve of my hip. It wasn't even done yet and already I felt sexier and confident about having it done. No regrets.

  Levi got his ink and machine ready, telling me he was going to start with the outline and later, he would add the coloring. I wasn't looking forward to the pain. This was a lot bigger than the star and I hadn’t forgotten the painful sensation of the needles piercing my skin. It wasn't something I thought I could forget or describe to anyone else. My hands were sweating and my heart was beating so fast, I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I decided to take a few minutes to calm down in the bathroom, alone. Facing the mirror, I stared at my reflection as I thought it through once again. I wanted this. I was making this decision for myself. There was no Mom forcing her opinion on me, no friends to influence me. It was me and only me. Levi hadn’t pressured me, in fact, he’d even tried to talk me out of it.

  I walked back to the chair and laid against it, sporting a huge and bright smile. My heartbeat was back to normal and a new feeling of confidence and happiness was spreading through each vein in my body. I was excited about this life-changing project. It was a big piece, there was nothing small about this design. I loved it and I loved the guy who’d taken the time to create it for me. Levi had probably been missing me when he drew it. My emotions were getting to me again, and I had to stop thinking about how sweet he was or I would end up tearing up again. I had become so emotional lately, I wondered if it was a side effect of being in love. Probably.

  Levi was setting up his machine, carefully adjusting the thin needle. As he frowned, a small triangle formed on his forehead, in between his beautiful green eyes. I wished I could’ve taken a picture. He was beautiful and concentrating so hard and I knew this really was Levi in his element. It fit him perfectly.

  He murmured sweet and lovely words in my ears before he began, but he also asked me one last time if I was certain. I nodded with no hesitation.

  Levi wiped across my skin with antiseptic, placed his left hand on my waist and traced the first flower on the tattoo. The pain was instantaneous and I knew I had to be strong. I concentrated on my breathing, counting mentally through each run of ink. The closer he got to my ribs, the harder it was to ignore the pain. I winced periodically, despite my best efforts to stay completely still.

  ''I wouldn’t normally do this, Rock Star, but because I know you can't escape right now, let me ask you something,'' he said hesitantly.

  Immediately, my pulse sped up. ''Okay l guess.''

  ''I heard Rebekka talking with Tyler the other day, and... She mentioned something about you having had a difficult life. What did she mean? Is everything okay?''

  This wasn't exactly what I wanted to talk about. I couldn't get away and I silently cursed him for asking. But he probably had a right to know about my background, and if he’d asked at any other time, I probably would have walked away. In the current situation I had to stay there and I figured I might as well give him the answer.

  ''She probably meant how things were with my mother. To make a long story short, Mom got pregnant with me at a very young age and when my father found out, he bailed. When Mom’s parents discovered she was pregnant, they kicked her out of home. She lived in women shelters for months and then she met Carlson, my step-father, when she was working as a waitress. He took care of her and helped her raise me.''

  ''Have you ever seen your real father?''

  ''No, never, I’ve only seen a couple of pictures. I know I look a lot like him, and he had tattoos.'' I took a deep breath. ''When I was younger, she was like every other mom, but when I got old enough to start noticing boys, she freaked out and changed drastically. She sent me to a girls-only private school out of town for two years. I hated it and I missed Bekka and Val more than anything. I was only fourteen or fifteen at the time and I started taking every kind of drug I could get a hold of and developed an eating disorder as well. I finally got kicked out of the school, when the school principal discovered me one day, passed out in the bathroom. When they rushed me to hospital, they discovered I was skin and bones and completely bombed out of my mind.” I stopped talking for a few seconds, the memories of that horrible time flashing through my mind in slow-motion. “My mom was devastated, said she’d never noticed I had problems, even though I’d called her hundreds of times and begged to come home. Funnily enough, everybody but her noticed how miserable I was. She and Carlson sent me to rehab for a thirty day program, to clean me up and deal with the eating disorder, but I ended up spending over sixty days.''

  ''Don't you think working at the club is risky for you?'' Levi asked quietly.

  ''I never had a problem with alcohol, it doesn't bother me. And I haven't taken any kind of drugs for over six years now.''

  ''How’s your relationship with your mom?''

  ''I haven't talked to her much since I moved out. I don’t think she’s mad at me still, but our last conversation before I left home wasn’t our best. Back then, I couldn't go out with Bekka or Val. I wasn’t allowed to go to the school dance. Anything which involved boys or any type of temptation, I wasn’t allowed to do. She was over-protecting me from everything. When I turned eighteen, I told her she wasn't allowed to make decisions for me anymore.''

  ''I bet that didn't turn out well, right?'' Levi said. He was right. It hadn’t.

  ''No. But I know why she was intent on doing all this, I even kind of understand it. She wanted me to have a normal life, she was trying to protect me from everything. She didn't want me to get pregnant or get involved in a serious relationship like she had when she was young, but it got to a point where I simply had no life at all. Bekka’s mother even planned a sleepover once, so I could have the opportunity to go to a school dance. To this day, my mother still doesn't know about it.'' I laughed, but it sounded hollow in the quiet studio.

  ''How’s everything going now?'' Geez, he had a lot of questions to ask today.

  ''I haven't seen her since I moved out. I’d just turned twenty one. She couldn't control me anymore, because legally, I had every right to leave. Again, Bekka’s mother had to get involved so I was finally able to pack my things and take them out of the house. We’re getting along okay, but we’ve only spoken on the phone two or three times in weeks.''

  ''Maybe she just needs time,'' Levi suggested quietly, while dipping the tips of the needles in the black ink.

  ''Yeah. She really doesn’t have anything to worry about. I was working at the music store and the club, earning enough to pay my bills. I go to the university, study hard. Don’t get me wrong, she isn't a monster or anything, she just doesn't want me to make the same mistakes she did. The problem is, the way she goes about it alienates me from her.''

  Levi was quiet for a minute before he asked another question. ''Do you think she’ll like me?''

  No, I answered in my head. It was the right answer, but I responded cautiously to his question. ''She doesn't like tattoos.''

  ''I'll take that as a no.'' I turned my
head to look at him and he smiled gently. ''It’s okay, Rock Star, I'm used to it. People judge me differently because of how I look.''

  ''I know it's probably too soon to say this, but I don't want you to leave me...” My throat became tight. “But when you meet her... it probably won't be pretty.''

  Levi didn’t respond to my concern, but continued talking conversationally. ''My mom and dad were the exact opposite. My mom, Jane, was a free spirit, an artist. She was the peace and love type and my dad is one of the best criminal lawyers in the state. They got married when they were eighteen, without their parents' consent. My dad got into law school and my mother enrolled in art school. They were great together, they never fought and Mom always wanted me to find my own way in life.''

  I could tell his mother was no longer with them, from the way he spoke, the sadness in his eyes. ''What happened?''

  ''Jane had a car accident and died instantly. I was in the car with her.''

  He had stopped tattooing. I turned on my side and tried to find the right words to say, but they all escaped me. I couldn't say I was sorry because I was devastated for him and those two little words weren’t nearly enough. ''Were you hurt in the accident?''

  ''Only one single scar and it's hiding here. During the impact, my shoulder crashed through the window.'' He pointed to the tattoo on his arm. It was the cross and the roses I’d been trying to recall earlier. I knew the tattoo must mean something profound. ''I got it five years after she passed.''

  He patted my hip gently and I moved back onto my stomach so he could continue tattooing. The memories of my years at the private school settled into my mind. I’d never seen so many freely-available drugs in my life until I landed there, lost and alone and hurt by Mom’s actions. You would think that a private school would get more support, have more security, stricter rules but it wasn't the case. We had access to weed, cocaine, speed, ecstasy, acid and so much more. I never did cocaine but I had never spent a day without partaking in one or the other of the available options.

  It turned my life upside down. I was unhappy and depressed and under the influence of older girls who coaxed me into taking more and more drugs. My morale and self-esteem were both in a terrible shape. Drugs made me feel better and I didn't miss Bekka or Val as much when I was under their influence. Typical excuses, maybe, but it was truly how I felt at the time. When the principal found me on the cold floor of the bathroom that day, I had taken more than my body could cope with. I had speed running through my bloodstream, mixed with ecstasy and weed. I still remembered the shock of seeing my reflection when I faced the mirror for the first time in hospital. A ghost. My skin was pale, I looked sickly, and my eyes were surrounded by dark circles. It was a terrible day but probably also the best day of my life. I was being allowed a second chance. Thankfully rehabilitation worked and I’d managed to pull my life back under control, despite the continuing issues with Mom. But I’d never fallen back on the use of drugs to control my life again.

  CHAPTER TEN

  My tattoo was covered with plastic wrap, and I couldn't lie about it, it was fucking painful. Levi had given me ibuprofen before we headed to the club, but I wasn't convinced it would subdue the pain. I hadn’t whined too much during the process of having it done, so I was proud of myself for that fact and I think Levi was too. But in my head, while I worked, I was whining. A lot.

  To make matters worse, Tyler had organized another karaoke night, to entice more customers into the bar. Bekka enjoyed these nights immensely, only because I hated them so much. I wanted to go home badly. Karaoke nights were my worst nightmare and the new tattoo was nearly insufferable.

  There were a lot of pretenders at the bar tonight and Levi was trying to convince me to get on stage and sing my ass off. He was hoping nobody else would have the guts to go after me, which might lead to an earlier night. If I was one hundred percent certain it would work, I might have considered doing it, but alcohol was flowing freely tonight. Alcohol and pretenders are a great match when it comes to singing in front of a crowd.

  ''Hey, Rock Star, come on. Get over there for me, please?'' he begged. ''I want to hear you sing.''

  All I wanted was to steal him away and lock ourselves in the back room and make out. He knew how fucked up my teenage years had been and it didn't change a single thing about how he felt about me. I didn't think about it when I first started telling him everything, but afterwards, I started to regret it. What if he had second thoughts about being with me? I should have known better; Levi was not the typical guy. Nothing about my life would change how he felt about me and other than asking a few questions, he’d accepted my past with no recriminations.

  ''I can sing for you tomorrow morning at the apartment, with my guitar as accompaniment,'' I offered.

  ''Yeah, you could do that too, but after a day like today, I want to see the sparkles in your eyes. I want to see you smile. I want to see you wild and carefree.''

  ''You like that, huh?'' I teased.

  I saw Bekka walking up behind Levi with my guitar case in her hands. Oh no, she didn't! I looked again to make certain I wasn't hallucinating. She did! I glared at her, already building up a full head of steam.

  She raised one hand to wave off my outburst. ''Whoa, whoa... before you kill me, let me tell you that this was all his idea.'' She pointed at Levi. ''Your little Casanova here...''

  ''Levi!'' I didn’t need to say more. Anger rushed through my whole body. The fact that they’d done this behind my back frustrated the hell out of me. I saw him look a little alarmed because he’d gotten me mad, then I saw an apology in his eyes, but I also saw his compassion and love. He was able to disarm the bomb which was my temper, just in time. ''What am I going to do with you?'' I breathed out in disgust.

  ''I don't know about me, but I’d really like it if you would go up there and sing.'' He offered me his most brilliant smile.

  I grabbed my guitar case from Bekka, still not sure if I would forgive her any time soon for being involved in this plot. My arms and legs were shaking as I unsnapped the case and pulled out my guitar. Adrenaline began pulsing through my veins, as I tried to keep my cool and decide what to perform. My voice was a little scratchy tonight and it would affect what I should sing.

  I stomped up to the stage when the last pretender finished his song, and settled on a high stool which Tyler placed in the centre of the stage. I placed the guitar on my thighs and took a deep breath. I hated Karaoke nights even more at that moment.

  Positioning the microphone at the right level, I started with an a capella version of one of my favorite songs by Alicia Keys. There wasn't a sound in the club as I sang, and I wondered for an instant if it was only my imagination or if it really was that quiet. During the chorus, I placed the guitar correctly on my thigh and started to warm up my fingers. Each wave of sound made me feel more confident. Levi was standing right in front of me. He looked so proud and happy and his feelings were transmitted to me by the gorgeous expression on his face. God, he is so hot.

  The crowd applauded at the end of the first song. Tiff was standing right next to Levi and her eyes were round like two ping pong balls. She was screaming my name and jumping up and down in excitement, making me feel like I really was a rock star. Levi was laughing at her craziness until our eyes met again, locking in an intense gaze. He was close to the stage, yet still too far away for my liking. I blew him a kiss and mouthed the words, “I love you.” The club crowd were getting impatient for a second song, completely ignoring the momentous fact that I had just told my boyfriend I loved him for the very first time. Not having the option to leave the stage, I settled on singing a rock song. Tyler and Bekka manned the bar. I wasn’t certain if they were busier kissing or serving drinks. Despite my fingers shaking badly, I thought my voice was okay, and the crowd around the stage seemed to think I was offering them what they wanted. As the song continued, I discovered I no longer felt the anxiety I’d had when I first started to sing. When I finished the second song, I tried to walk off
of the stage, but to my surprise, everyone started screaming Adele repeatedly. I remembered I’d sung an Adele song at the last karaoke night and they apparently wanted to hear the song again. I handed my guitar down to Levi and walked back to the stool. For a couple of seconds, I sat and looked around the room. This was the life I could lead every night if I wanted it. If I could build on my popularity and get the right sort of backing, every night would find me singing in a different city and my wallet could explode with money. As fantastic as it seemed, it wasn't what I wanted. I started singing Adele’s song and again, I sang a cappella. There was no sound in the entire club, other than my voice. When I hit the last note, Levi jumped on stage and whisked me into his arms. I couldn't hear anything else but the “I love you” from Levi. He was making me so happy, words failed me and I snuggled against his chest.

  ''You are my Rock Star. Phoenix, when I watched you singing, I was so damn proud. I'm falling in love with you, little girl, deeper and deeper every day.

  ''I am too,'' I whispered shyly.

  His lips crashed onto mine in a passionate kiss. Kissing him was always good, but tonight it seemed even more amazing. The way he held me against him, one hand on the small of my back and the other one behind my neck, made me feel safe and protected. He was always pulling me closer to him as if he could mold the two of us into one being. He took control of my lips possessively and I loved it. The DJ put the music back on and the crowd went back to their conversations and drinks. Levi’s strong arms still holding me, I cupped his face with my hand and told him I loved him again. He’d been careful not to touch my new tattoo but with the rush of adrenaline from performing I was barely feeling the pain.

  Tiff, Levi and I went to eat after our shift. I was absolutely starving, and ordered a cheeseburger, French fries and a strawberry milkshake. Levi ordered a grilled chicken burger but when he kept eyeing my food, I shared with him. Tiff was being funny again, I loved that girl. She was a ray of sunshine and nothing could ever get boring with her around. She kept us in fits of laughter, telling us stories from when she lived in London.