Holding a Hero

by Layne, Lyssa

  “What are you talking about?”

  I started crying harder. “You didn’t sleep in your bed last night. You’d rather sleep on the couch than in your own bed with me.”

  He chuckled as he wiped the sleep from his eyes. “I’m not mad. But you passed out diagonally on my bed. There was no room for me and I figured you needed a good night’s sleep. That’s all.”

  He got up and walked over to me, wrapping his arms around me. I crumbled into his arms sobbing. Why the hell did he matter so much?

  “Come back to bed.” he murmured as he guided me back to his room. He eased me back onto the bed and embraced me, running his hands through my hair. “What happened last night? What’s bothering you?”

  I shook my head into his chest, mortified about the situation and what had caused it. “It’s horrible. I’m ashamed of why and I’m so sorry.”

  “You don’t have to be ashamed, just tell me.” he pushed.

  Hung over and tired, I didn’t have the energy to keep up the façade. I also found myself wanting to tell him. To have nothing hidden between us.

  “I smoke cigarettes. And it’s worse when I drink. It’s a horrible habit and I’m sorry. I should’ve told you.” I sobbed, relieved that I told him but nervous about his reaction.

  He stopped running his fingers through my hair and I braced myself for his next words. This could be where he tells me it’s a disgusting habit and to get out.

  “You smoke?” he asked. I nodded into his chest.

  “I didn’t know. You hide it very well.”

  “I can’t stand the way it smells. Unless I’m drinking.” I admitted.

  “That’s kind of funny. You could have told me.”

  “I didn’t know how you would feel about it.”

  “Well if we are admitting bad habits, I have one of my own.”

  “What? What is it?” I asked, relieved he wasn’t kicking me out.

  “I chew.”

  I jerked up and looked at him. “Really? I didn’t know.”

  “I know. I was careful. I brushed my teeth before I would meet with you and I don’t chew around you. So you smoke, huh?”

  I lowered myself back onto his chest. “Yes, I do.”

  “You should have told me.” he smiled. “I think it’s kinda sexy.”

  “What?” I asked incredulously.

  “The fact that you seem like such a good girl, I never had a clue. It’s like you’re a bad girl underneath. Its sexy.” he laughed.

  “So you’re not disgusted?”

  “Does this look like I’m disgusted?” He pulled my chin up and kissed me until my toes curled and my headache disappeared.

  “Well, maybe there’s a little bad girl in me.” I purred.

  “Then show me.” he growled and pulled me on top of him.

  THIRTEEN

  The next few weeks were insane. I was trying to get my school work done, train horses and work to make ends meet. I was quickly realizing that the money I was making at the plant was not cutting it. I had to go back to my career to make my bills. I talked with Sean about it and he agreed that if I felt the move was financially necessary than he would back me up. I spoke with my supervisor at the plant and explained my situation. Although he was reluctant to let me go, he understood and gave me his blessing but made me promise that if things didn’t work out that I would come back to work for him.

  I quickly procured a job at a foreign car dealership and started to settle into my new position. The dealership had promised me a large percentage of commission and because I had experience and knew the job, I was confident that I would have no problem catching up with my bills. Unfortunately, it would be one month before I would get my first check, then every other week thereafter, so I knew it was going to be lean for a while.

  The adjustment was harder than I had expected. With Sean still on second shift and my day starting at six a.m. we only saw each other on the weekends. I would spend my lunch hour secluded in my truck talking with him on the phone before he went to work. I found myself not only missing him but also the camaraderie of my other workers at the plant and the simplicity of the work. I went from an eight hour a day job back to thirteen hour days and working every other Saturday. I had to keep reminding myself that the money I would be making was going to make it worthwhile. My weekends with Sean were filled with making love and working with the horses. My life goal was to breed and train horses, working for myself and not for someone else.

  I was anticipating my first check, knowing that the figures I was keeping track of would catch me up on my mortgage and my credit cards. Payday showed up and I eagerly ripped open my first envelope, my heart dropping when I saw the dollar amount. It was less than half of what I had expected. I immediately went to my boss who told me that the numbers had to clear in the parts department and that my next check would be larger. Disappointed, I went back to work, forcing the smile on my face. I called Sean on my lunch hour, venting about my first check. I smiled as he indignantly told me I was working too hard for that little pay and I should come back to the plant. But I already knew that pay wouldn’t catch up my mortgage. I told him what my manager told me and that my next check would be better. The end of summer turned to fall and my checks, though slightly larger, weren’t coming close to the numbers I kept track of. Excuses of warranty companies that hadn’t yet paid the company, waiting for parts to be paid for, and other stories that were given to me at every payday. My frustration was growing and I began to think I was being taken advantage of.

  One night I was stuck at work having to explain to a very irate customer that we couldn’t diagnose her car if it wasn’t acting up. I was trying to calm her down, which was supposed to be the manager’s job, when my cell phone rang. Seeing that it was my father and assuming it was him calling to find out why I wasn’t home yet, I hit the silence button. I turned my attention back to my customer when my phone rang again. Dad. Damn it. I hit the silence again and went to get my manager, who had ignored my two pages over the intercom system. As we both tried to logically explain to the customer my Dad called again. I excused myself and turned to answer the phone.

  “Dad, I’m still at work, I’m sorry I’m not home yet.”

  “Why the hell haven’t you answered your damn phone!” he yelled.

  “I’m at work…” I stuttered, thrown off at the tone he rarely used with me.

  “I don’t give a shit.” he screamed. “Your filly spooked and ran through the fence. She’s trapped and is now in colic. The neighbors are here and they can’t get her up. It doesn’t look good. You’ve got to get home now!”

  “Oh my god! I’m on my way!” I cried. I turned to my manager, tears filling my eyes. “I’ve got to go, now! There’s an emergency.”

  I ran out the door without waiting for a response, not really caring, and called Dad back as I climbed into my truck. “Did you call the vet?”

  “I did but they said they had to talk to you.” he answered.

  “What the hell?” I hung up and speed dialed the vet. “This is Celeste, why does someone need to talk to me?”

  “The vet is on his way, he had another emergency call.” the receptionist explained.

  “Well I’m on my way now. If he gets there before I do, just have him save her!”

  I slid into the driveway surprised that I didn’t see any vet truck and raced to the corral. My beautiful Legacy was lying on the ground groaning and not moving. Dad and the neighbors were standing around her.

  “Where is the fucking vet?” I screamed as I ran to her and knelt down to her head. Her eyes were already rolled back into her head and her gums were dry and discolored.

  “He’s still not here.” Dad answered.

  I whipped my phone out, cradling it as I tried to get her up on her feet. “Where the hell is the vet?” I screamed when I heard the female voice on the other end.

  “Is this Celeste?” she asked.

  “Yes! What is going on? Why isn’t he here?”

&
nbsp; “Well there seems to be an outstanding bill here and the vet is here at the office. Unless you can pay cash or check, I can’t send him out.”

  “That goddamn bill was paid three months ago and I have the cancelled check to prove it. And I’ll still pay tonight! Just get him the fuck out here!” I threw the phone down and tried to pull my eight hundred pound filly to her feet. “Come on, sweetheart, get to your feet. I know it hurts but we’ve got to keep you walking until the vet gets here. He’ll make it better.” I cooed and sobbed.

  I knew she was hurting. When a horse colics, their intestines twist and even though rolling and lying down feels better for them temporarily, it only twists their insides further and they can’t be healed. If it gets too twisted not even surgery can save them.

  “We’ve been trying to get her up for over an hour, she won’t move.” my neighbor explained quietly.

  I ignored her and pulled on Legacy’s head. “Come on, baby, it’s me. I’ll make it better. Just please get up.” I wasn’t aware of anyone around me or what was being said. All I knew was that every second felt like an eternity and every minute my baby was slipping further from this life.

  Forty-five minutes later, the vet showed up and sauntered over to where I was lying with my filly. I wasn’t the least bit embarrassed by the tears streaming down my face. He took her pulse then listened to her heartbeat. He checked her eyes and gums then turned to me.

  “How long has she been down?”

  “I don’t know. I was at work. At least an hour since I called you.” I seethed. I ignored his embarrassed look and turned to Dad for an answer.

  He looked at me with sorrow filling his blue eyes. “About three hours now.”

  The vet probed her now swollen belly which caused a guttural groan from her. “I’m sorry but she’s too far gone, even for surgery. Her stomach and intestines are too twisted to repair. All I can do for her now is put her out of her misery.”

  I knew before he’d even show up that she had slipped from me but to hear it out loud broke my heart. I burst into sobs and buried my head into her soft, warm neck, gently rubbing her nose. “I’m so sorry baby girl. I’m so sorry I let you down. We’ll make it better, you won’t hurt anymore.”

  I heard the vet walk to his truck and get the last shot she’d ever receive. I stroked her head as I cradled it in my lap. He gave her the lethal shot and she sighed as she let out her last breath. I sat there sobbing, wondering how so much pain could fill a person without them succumbing to it.

  The vet cleared his throat and stood up. “I’m sorry for your loss. And the office called on my way over. Apparently they had made a mistake on your account and your balance had been paid off a few months ago. I don’t need payment tonight. They’ll send you the bill.”

  “Just get the hell out of here and off of my property.” I told him without looking at him.

  My Dad cleared his throat. “I’ll get a tarp to cover her. We need to call someone tomorrow to come take her body.”

  My neighbor came over and rubbed my shoulders. “I’m so sorry, Celeste. I know how much you loved her.”

  I tried to smile at her. “Thank you. Yes, I did very much.”

  My father, neighbor and I gently covered her up and I numbly went into the house. I grabbed a beer and my smokes and sat out on my porch crying. It was about thirty minutes later that I realized Sean had called several times. When he called again I answered my phone.

  “Yeah.”

  “Celeste! Are you alright? I’ve been trying to call you and couldn’t get through.”

  “No, I’m not alright.” I said quietly. “Legacy colicked tonight and I lost her. She’s dead.” I started sobbing again.

  “Oh no. I’m so sorry. I can get off of work and come over.” he offered.

  “No, don’t do that. I’m not in the mood for company and I have to go into work tomorrow.”

  “You’re still going in tomorrow?”

  “Yes. I have her vet bill to pay for and now I have to pay for a rendering truck to come take her body.”

  “If you need me, I’m here.”

  “Thanks Sean. I just need to get some sleep.”

  “Okay, get some sleep and I’ll call you in the morning. I love you, Celeste.”

  The sincerity in his voice brought me to tears again. “Thank you, Sean. I love you too.”

  I hung up as Dad came out with two more beers. He handed me one and sat down in the other chair. “I’m sorry, Celeste. I’m supposed to be here looking out for the animals and I didn’t.”

  Hearing the tears in his voice choked me up. My dad was not an emotional man. In my thirty-two years I had only seen him cry once when his mother passed.

  “Dad, you’re deaf in one ear and didn’t hear her. It was an accident. I should’ve answered your call. It will never happen again. I’ll answer every time you call.” I promised, angry at myself for not doing that in the first place.

  I was the one who had failed Legacy. I should have made my manager do his job and deal with the customer and I should have left at five when I was supposed to leave. I polished off my beer and stood up.

  “Can you do me a favor and call the rendering truck tomorrow? I need to go to work and honestly I couldn’t handle being here when they come get her.”

  “Yes, honey. I’ll do that. I love you and I’m sorry.”

  I gave him a hug and started crying again. “I know, Dad, I’m sorry too. And I love you very much.”

  My night was restless, filled with nightmares of the reality that had played out earlier that night. When my alarm went off I drug myself out of bed. My eyes were swollen and red and I didn’t bother with a shower or make-up. I didn’t care. I was pissed off at the world. Pissed because I had a job that didn’t pay me what was promised, pissed that the vet blew me off because of an office mistake and pissed off because I lost my little filly.

  When I walked into work my emotional state must have emanated from me because nobody talked to me and they all walked around me, warily glancing my way from time to time. When my manager came in two hours later he briskly walked up to me then paused when he saw my face.

  “Uh…er…is everything alright?”

  I turned and squared myself to him, glaring into his eyes. “No. Everything is not okay. I lost my prize filly last night because I didn’t answer my cell phone, dealing with a customer you should have been dealing with so from now on, when my cell phone rings, I’m answering it. Secondly, because I haven’t been paid anything close to what we had agreed on when you offered me the job, I have to figure out how to come up with the hundred bucks it’s going to cost to dispose of her body.” I hesitated as my mind whirred over the figures of what I had been making hourly at the plant and the checks I had been paid from the dealership. In that instant, I made a decision that felt good. “And thirdly, I’m putting in my two weeks' notice. I could be making the same amount of money back at the plant. If you figure in the hours I put in here I could be making time and a half at the plant. I’m done.”

  I didn’t wait for his response; I just turned and went back to working on my estimates. I heard him walk away and ignored the gasps and whispers from my co-workers. Screw them. Fifteen minutes later I heard my boss calling me over the intercom to come into his office. I knew I was going to be fired and I didn’t care. I knew I could go back to building PC boards and have less stress, I’d figure out the money later. I walked into his office defiantly, ready and waiting.

  “Please close the door and sit down.” he asked politely.

  I did as he asked and crossed my legs, my chin held high.

  “I’m sorry for your loss, Celeste. You’ve never abused having a cell phone and of course you can answer any call that comes in. As far as the pay, I’m looking into it. It’s been long enough that yes, your checks should be larger. I’ll get answers to that. You said that it was going to cost a hundred dollars to take care of your horse so please take this and the rest of the week off. We can cover everything today
and tomorrow. Go get some rest and grieve, we will see you back on Monday.”

  I stared at him stunned. This was not what I was expecting. The stress and anguish of losing Legacy and lack of sleep had me crying again. I thanked him, took the money and stood to leave.

  “Get some rest, Celeste. Try to have a good weekend.” he said gently.

  I nodded, left his office and gathered my things. I was almost to my car when Sean called.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi, Celeste, how are you doing today?”

  “I still hurt but I’m off work for the rest of the week.” I explained.

  “Cool. I’m almost to town. Want to meet and talk?”

  “Yeah but I don’t want to meet here.”

  We agreed to meet at the rec center parking lot and I climbed into my truck and headed across town. He was already there when I pulled up and I parked and walked over to his car. He stepped out and pulled me into his arms.

  “I’m so sorry.”

  I hugged him tightly, relishing his scent and how it felt to be held in his arms. Surprisingly I didn’t start crying. “Me too. I really loved her.”

  “I know you did. I got something for you. Come in where it’s warmer.”

  We climbed into his car and he handed me a wrapped package and bouquet of flowers. I smiled gratefully. I placed the flowers on my lap and gently opened the gift. I felt the warm tears roll down my face and my vision blur as I softly ran my fingers across the glass framed picture of my filly. In Loving Memory, Legacy was printed on the bottom of the photograph.

  “Oh Sean, it’s beautiful.”

  “I hoped you would like it.”

  “Where did you find this picture?”

  “I stopped by your house this morning after you left for work. Your dad gave me a copy and I had it enlarged.” he explained.

  “It’s perfect, thank you.” I sniffed and stared at him. “Have I told you today how much I love you?”

  He grinned and shook his head. “No.”

  “I love you so much.” I smiled.

  He pulled me in and kissed me until my toes curled. “I love you too.”