by Robb Hiller
I was at my parents’ retirement place in Florida when Mom threw one of her dinner parties. She cared nothing about status as the world defined it, meaning the mix of people was always eclectic and interesting. One night, Chuck Colson and his wife showed up. Colson was famous as the Watergate criminal turned faithful Christian and leader in prison reform. And that night, the Colsons were joined by the heiress of the Coca-Cola company.
The high profile of these people didn’t change Mom’s plans for the evening. As always, Mom served dinner and informally coached these friends by sharing an inspirational thought and giving each a Bible or other books to encourage them. Over the years, Mom gave away hundreds of books, and her guests were amazed at how she got her point across through these books!
It was all Mom’s special form of informal coaching—asking questions of others and using her gifts of hospitality. She was a nonstop advocate and worked hard to connect people to faith. Guess who these guests would call when trouble came? Mom.
I saw this in action constantly while I was growing up, but I didn’t grasp the depth of her impact until much later in life. Twenty-five years after Mom passed away due to breast cancer, I walked into a small restaurant in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. It was called the Hotel Shoreham and was located by a beautiful Northwoods lake. As I walked in, I heard a shout from over by the window. “Robby! It’s you! It’s you!” I immediately recognized two ladies as Mom’s old friends. They were well into their late eighties, if not older. I immediately greeted them with a big hug. Without any prompting, these old friends talked about how much they loved Mom and how they missed her laugh and smile. They sighed as they talked about her. They still really missed her—even several decades after she had passed away!
What a legacy Mom left. She knew how to ask great questions and listen intently to understand what was going on in a person’s life. She activated her talents and became an advocate for so many people by saying the right thing (sometimes by saying nothing at all) and by following up with action. As an informal coach, Mom was a rock star.
My parents each had their own style of loving and connecting. Dad was also a great coach, but his way was to deliver a kick in the pants when I needed to get back on track and to ask questions like “How do you expect to . . . ?” When Dad spent time with me and talked with me while fishing or golfing, I felt loved.
Here’s the thing: my parents were constantly—and naturally—coaching my siblings and me but without our realizing it. They encouraged us to connect with faith, family, and friends, and family dinners were a normal part of life, where we often benefited from their wisdom and questions.
Mom’s coaching was very different from Dad’s, but they were both effective in our lives. Maybe your God-given gifts don’t line up with my mom’s. Maybe you find yourself more reserved, and you wonder how you might coach your own family. The point isn’t for your coaching to look just like Mom’s or Dad’s. The point is for you to recognize your God-given talents and activate them for the benefit of your family in a way that is natural for you. What would it look like for you to activate your talents in your family and to be an advocate for them? The common thread is making sure that whatever your style of coaching, it needs to be done with love. Love looks like listening and understanding. We help, support, encourage, or guide people when they feel our concern or love—not our overreacting in anger. Anger is like turning off the lights in any meaningful communication. It shuts it down and is not helpful. Asking great questions is your best tool to turn the lights back on.
But what if the family you grew up in was different from mine? Maybe there was one parent struggling to find time to parent, or you moved around a lot and friends were harder to make. What if you didn’t receive the kind of coaching I received? Can you still become an informal coach to friends or acquaintances even if you lacked an ideal upbringing? The answer is absolutely yes!
Becoming a Memorable Coach as a Friend
The Power of 3 will allow you to bond more quickly with others, readily understand their situation, and help you guide them to the next step and beyond. The key skill you need is the willingness to be a good listener. I say “skill” because I know anyone can become a good listener if they want to.
Here are some ways, using the Power of 3, that you can develop your skill as a good listener:
Really listening does something that we all need and want—to be heard and valued. Asking questions naturally helps us care for others. People inevitably feel more valued.
Always begin at the first point of the Power of 3 triangle by asking great questions. You can use the various DIP questions as a wonderful way to listen and understand what is going on.
When the other person answers your questions, you’ll know what natural talents you need to activate as the person opens the door for you to help. If you don’t know what help you can possibly offer in a difficult situation, ask more questions. Doing so might help your friend to see the next step. At some point, just ask, “What do you think might be a next step?” It’s amazing how many times people already know the answer.
When a friend is struggling emotionally, use a simple scale—a numerical choice—to help that person step back and gain clarity. Ask, “On a scale of 1 to 10, what impact is this having on your stress level or on your being at peace?” (1 means little impact, and 10 means completely overwhelmed). This question taps into the other person’s prefrontal cortex and helps restore order amid chaos. In extreme emotional situations, it elicits logic. The key is to help your friend rate how he or she feels or thinks about the specific issue at hand—not the whole of life, but the need of the moment. Once your friend assigns a number, you can begin to break down what the number really means and let your friend just talk it out. This approach defuses drama, reaffirms your friendship, and communicates that you understand and value your friend.
Sometimes it becomes obvious how you can be an advocate for the person, often through more questions. This might take the form of asking whether the person is connected to family or other friends or where your friend is with regard to faith. An example might be as simple as asking, “Who might be helpful to you in taking the next step?” or “How might your circle of friends or faith community be of support?” or “What can I do to help?”
Being a good listener is a great way to coach your friends, and living in the triangle of the Power of 3 will give you the tools you need to naturally and effectively coach those closest to you.
How to Be a Rock Star Coach at Work
With the Power of 3, you can make an indelible mark at work by starting the same way with team members or employees as you would with coaching yourself and being an informal coach with friends or family.
The rock star leaders I’ve coached over the years have discovered the power of leading with the heart. It’s their secret to getting remarkable results.
When I was coaching a wonderful leader, Heather, our conversation eventually turned to how she could best motivate a certain team member. By now, I hope you know where I started—asking questions! I asked Heather the right questions, and I activated my gifts of discernment and understanding to uncover what was really happening with the employee. Heather then considered what talents she could bring to the situation. After listening intently, I asked her what her best next step might be, and we talked through many ideas. She began the conversation bubbling with frustration. By the end, she came to her own conclusion of what needed to happen and wrote out an action plan.
Your best opportunities for using the Power of 3 at work often depend on your structure and level of authority. Consider this:
Anyone can use the Power of 3 to lead by example. How you live in the Power of 3 will speak volumes to others. Let them wonder about—and ask—what motivates you to stay focused on what really matters, steadfastly maximize your own gifts, and bring out the best in others. Then you can share the simple truth of the Power of 3.
Anyone can use the Power of 3 to lead by influence. You likel
y spend much of your workday in teams or matrix organizations where you have little real control over others. You can go about your job using the Power of 3 to make a standout contribution to your team and persuade others to pull their weight—not just telling them to do their work but helping them to excel.
Many situations invite you to lead by instruction. You might interact with leaders far above you in the organizational chart. When you have occasions for discussion, be known for asking the right questions. Know how you can activate your gifts for the good of the company. And become an advocate for those who need help spotlighting their own talents. Say, “So-and-so would be great at that. Let me explain.”
If you are in a formal leadership role, you can also lead by accountability. As you lead people on your team—those who report to you—all kinds of levers of power are available to you. Many target external motivation, like the carrot of bestowing titles and offering pay increases or bonuses. Or like the stick of threatening someone’s status or job. The Power of 3 is your opportunity to leverage internal or intrinsic motivation. One of the first keys in leading or coaching is to understand what is really motivating a person. We use a scientific instrument to do so in my practice, but you can also just ask a person why they do what they do. It may take a few follow-up questions and your own observations to find out. But it is worth it! The boss who uses the Power of 3 helps people work hard because they want to—not simply because they have to.
When you use the Power of 3, people will experience you as the solid truss of a floor, or the strong roof overhead, or the triangle of a bridge that supports the weight of whatever comes its way.
Implementing the Power of 3 on the job makes you a trusted ally like no other. Don’t be surprised when people up, down, and across the organization say, “I love working with you!”
It really doesn’t make any difference whether you’re coaching yourself, informally coaching family or friends, or being a rock star coach at work. The method and outcomes are all the same.
Small beginnings. Big results. Wow!
Practicing the Power of 3
The Power of 3 will help you to be an effective coach for others in your life. But before you can be of the most help to others, you need to coach yourself. Answer these questions and consider the steps you might take in the next challenge you face:
What is the most recent stressful situation you’ve faced? What did that situation do to your emotions?
How did you respond? How did you feel about your response?
Write down some of the right questions you might have asked yourself at the beginning of your stressful situation. How would asking these questions have changed the result for the better?
What steps can you take to prepare for the next stressful situation you will face?
[1] 2 Corinthians 4:8-9, NLT; Romans 5:3, NLT
CONCLUSIONThe Joy of Living in the Triangle: Help Yourself and Others Live Again
I am so optimistic, I’d go after Moby Dick in a rowboat and take the tartar sauce with me.
ZIG ZIGLAR
THERE’S SOMETHING AMAZING about weddings, when two people vow their lifelong love to each other and experience a new beginning. It’s a beautiful moment for the couple, with family and friends gathered around, all hoping for nothing but the best ahead. And weddings inspire those of us looking on to revisit our own passion and commitment.
For me, staying alive long enough to attend one particular wedding—the marriage ceremony of my son, Ryan, and his beautiful bride-to-be, Amber—was a goal that helped me through painful months of cancer treatments. I thought, If I could make it until then, it would be so wonderful. And it would mean I was alive. It wasn’t as if I’d feel great about dying the moment after they said, “I do,” but if that was all the life I would have the privilege of enjoying, I would accept those days with gratitude and joyfully go home to be with my Lord.
Fast-forward through those tough months of treatment to the wedding day. On a crisp day in late September, there I was. Pam was next to me, and I sat as close as I could to her, arms locked together, not caring about rumpling my suit or her beautiful dress. I watched as Bentley loped down the aisle, the wedding rings attached to his collar. I listened to the pastor’s words of encouragement to Ryan and Amber. And I saw the bride and groom speak their vows before God. I was so happy to see them together. I teared up, overwhelmed.
I was glad to be upright and breathing through the spring of my diagnosis and all through the summer. Even so, there was never a guarantee I’d be present that day. I’d had a PET scan in early summer, midway through my treatments, that gave us reason to hope the cancer was retreating. But I continued several more noxious rounds of chemotherapy, each worse than the last.
Finally, on the Monday before the wedding, Pam and I took another trip to Mayo for blood work and a PET scan, one last screening at the end of my chemotherapy. With the wedding less than a week away, the big picture of finishing treatments was almost lost in thoughts of the celebration. We were excited about that day, and for a moment the preparations gave us something to think about besides my looming health issues. Whatever we heard that day—good or bad—we would press on, knowing we would get through whatever followed. But being at the wedding came down to this: if my results were good, I could attend. If not, I’d be forced to stay home, far from the crowd with their swarming germs. In that case, my protests wouldn’t matter. My wife, my kids, and my doctor wouldn’t let me risk infection and put my life on the line, no matter how special the day.
At 5:45 a.m. on checkup day, I had a PET scan, then a blood draw. At 11 a.m., Pam and I walked into my hematologist’s office. The doctor was grinning. That’s a big deal. Now, to put this in perspective, most cancer doctors aren’t especially upbeat. They’re the people who hold steady when a patient’s world shakes like an earthquake. Oncologists are measured, analytical, and diplomatic. So I was surprised to see my doctor smiling!
He put up a picture of my original PET scan from five months earlier, lit up red with all the cancer in my stomach, abdomen, and throat. Then he put up the picture taken early that morning—not a red spot anywhere in my body. It was the confirmation we dreamed of. He announced, “I have the best news I can give you. You have no cancer.”
Pam and I gawked at the side-by-side photos, rejoicing with a happiness that is hard to put into words. Two things were clear to us. First, I’d be at the wedding. Second, I was more than alive. I was healed.
Being around a crowd of people for the wedding was just the start. Three cancers were gone. It was a final all-clear notice. We thanked God and left that day in awe of a miracle.
Celebration
I arrived home in a daze. One evening that week, a wonderful neighbor, Jeff, came over and took me out for dinner at Hazeltine National Golf Club (home of the 2016 Ryder Cup). I was in heaven. After eating a delicious meal, Jeff apologized that he had to get home but wanted my opinion on something he was doing in the backyard. As we turned the back corner of his house, a crowd of neighbors who had secretly gathered started cheering and clapping at the astonishing news of my being healed.
Jeff and his wife, Erin, had invited them, and I was stunned. Speechless. I’d never had a party like this. There was a large cake of celebration, and all the neighborhood kids had made an enormous banner and signed their names on it. I won’t forget that day!
Our neighbors were doing once again what they had done all along: being true advocates for Pam and me along this journey. They had helped by mowing our lawn and stopping by to encourage us during the months of treatment. The Beckering family even gave me a T-shirt emblazoned with this quote on the back: “Heal Cancer: With God Nothing Will Be Impossible—Luke 1:37.” And now we were all celebrating. Together.
Living Again
After the wedding, I had to readjust to normal life. I’d dropped to only 140 pounds, and a strong wind could move me. I needed to gain weight and strength. I began to feel free again without worrying what the next blood
test would reveal. I discovered the freedom of not having to stay away from people for fear of infection. I could now be with a group of friends instead of just one at a time. The mindset shift took at least six months before I felt things were normal.
One of the first things I did was run over to the golf course and hit some balls. I was so weak that after a dozen swings, I had to sit down and rest. A flight of stairs would leave me gasping. But believe it or not, I couldn’t wait to mow the grass again. Although I could do only a small square before wearing out, I smiled the whole time I walked behind the mower, gleeful like a toddler with a push toy.
I was happy before cancer. Post-cancer, you might conclude I’m delirious.
Wiggling my toes in grass was a victory. Walking in a crowd was a victory. Waking up each day knowing I was going to live was comforting and motivating. I still had to stay out of the sun most of the time and wear a hat to cover my bald head. Minor inconveniences.
A few months later, I was asked to speak for the business organization that originated the tools I use to assess leaders for hiring and promotion. Every year, the TTI Success Insights Conference dinner in Phoenix, Arizona, concludes with passing out awards to top consultants across the globe, a cadre of about three thousand. The most prestigious award is named after the company’s founder, Bill Bonnstetter, and is given to the consultant who best represents the firm and the profession of consulting.