Save Me

by Heidi McLaughlin

  Now if and when I see her again she won’t even know who I am. I doubt she has a single memory of me as her father. Pictures, if Penny even took any with her, won’t make up for the time we’ve missed and continue to miss each day we’re not together. To my daughter, I’m nothing more than a stranger and maybe someone her mother talks about on special occasions.

  Each day that passes is another day lost, and one more day closer to my absolute end. I have less than five months to find Penny or my marriage, as I know it, is over. Right now the law is somewhat on my side according to the first private investigator I hired. I don’t know how much smoke he’s blowing up my ass, but if he’s telling the truth, the law puts a deadline on what the spouse could call abandonment, especially since the Navy isn’t acknowledging their error, even with the offer of retirement. If Penny has remarried it will be null and void because I’m alive and well. The downside to that is something I think about every day—what if she left me? What if I’m chasing her when I should really be focusing solely on Claire?

  But where is she? How come she’s not in school? And if she is, why did Penny change her name? Are they running or hiding? I can’t declare her missing because technically I’m still dead. That thought reminds me I need to speak to Ryley about a missing persons report and why one wasn’t filed. As much as I don’t want to bother her and Evan, I have to know.

  Climbing the stairs, I try to make as much noise as possible so I don’t interrupt them. I know from experience what it can be like to have people walk in on you when you’re trying to love up on your wife. The last thing I want to do is to make things awkward between us.

  Much to my surprise, Ryley is curled up in the corner of the couch and Evan is watching television. Of course, his hand is resting on her leg. He’s never far from touching her if he can help it. We both know that we’ll never be able to make up for the time we’ve been away. I’ll be struggling with Claire, just as he is with EJ. His son knows Evan is his father, but hasn’t called him the name he so desperately wishes for … ‘Dad.’

  For years, I filled Evan in on what it feels like to hear your child say dada for the first time, promising him it’s going to be one of the best moments of his life. Little did I know that our lives were being ripped apart while we fought a despicable animal, which some sick fuck senator was funding, and instead of coming clean about his desire to play with children he destroyed our lives. There isn’t a shred of doubt in my mind that he has a hit out on us and is waiting patiently to strike. It’s just a matter of time before someone makes a move. I hope for our sakes, it’s us. I refuse to be a victim to Lawson or Ingram ever again.

  “Hi, Tucker. Can I get you some coffee?” Ryley asks as she closes her book and starts to stand before I hold up my hand. Evan turns his head slightly to acknowledge me before returning his focus to whatever he’s watching on TV.

  “I’m fine, and please don’t think you have to wait on me, Ryley.”

  “Okay, but please know that our house is yours, so you can help yourself to whatever,” she says sweetly as she settles back into the couch.

  “Except my sniper rifle,” Evan laughs, knowing full well that once Ryley is in bed, I’ll be on the deck siting the scope to my perfection. As much as I hate saying this, I miss shooting.

  “Evan, you can share your toys,” Ryley chastises him with a smile. Penny used to say the same thing when Evan would come over to check out a new gun or knife I had picked up. That’s one thing I like about being a SEAL—the plethora of weapons that arms dealers had lying around, waiting for us to test them. There was never a shortage of toys.

  Sitting in the recliner, which happens to be closer to Ryley, I know this is the time to talk to her about the questions that have been plaguing me. It pains me to bring up the past knowing she’s working so hard on her future with Evan and EJ, but this is where I’m stuck.

  “Ryley, can I ask you some questions about the day Penny left?”

  My question must spark Evan’s curiosity because he mutes the show he’s watching and sits up, moving closer to Ryley. The three of us look at each for a moment before Ryley sits up straight and reaches for Evan’s hand. I can’t imagine what the wives and families went through when they were told we died, but I like thinking Penny was there for Ryley since she was pregnant and helping her cope, at least for a brief amount of time.

  “I’ll tell you anything,” she starts before taking a deep breath. “It’s been a while, but my memory of that time in my life is fairly clear. What do you want to know?”

  Everything, anything, and nothing at all, is what I want to say. I don’t want to know that my wife left me for another man and decided to take my child away from me. I think if that were the case, Ryley would’ve told me by now.

  “Did you or anyone else file a missing person’s report?” I cut right to chase, knowing her answer could either deter or help me.

  “I tried, but no one would take me seriously. The story was the same, ‘husband died, wife left’. Anyone on base I would try and talk to brushed me off, and the local police didn’t think it was anything since you had died,” Ryley states, slightly agitated, probably because I’m asking. She glances at Evan before reaching under their coffee table for the box of tissues.

  “As soon you guys deployed, Penny and I had taken Claire to the park. It was something we did on any normal day so it was nothing was out of the ordinary. Our lives didn’t change because you guys were gone. The next day we were at the commissary buying you supplies and putting boxes together just in case you weren’t back by the end of the week.

  “As the weeks started turning into months we started our deployed wives’ habits: eating at each other’s houses, sending packages, always trying to do stuff together to keep our spirits up. We kept saying you guys would be home any day and we didn’t want to you to see how much we worried. The few letters we received kept our hopes up, but we yearned for a phone call.

  “One day, we’re walking to the beach and Deefur starts growling. It wasn’t the kind of growl he does when he’s playing, but the hair-raising growl and he wasn’t even a year old yet, I don’t think. A man was coming toward us and apparently Deefur didn’t like that so we followed his intuition and crossed the street. That’s when Penny noticed we were being followed. She had seen the same car a few blocks over and thought it was weird and that this hadn’t been the first time. She said the car really didn’t fit in on the base, but couldn’t pinpoint why. We chose to go home instead of the beach, which was probably for the best because Claire wasn’t feeling that well. We walked back to your house and I made sure her and Claire were inside before I drove off. I kept watching in my rearview mirror for the car, but never saw it.” Ryley looks at Evan and smiles, while he brings their hands up so he can place a kiss on hers.

  “That night I called Penny to see if she wanted to go to mall the next day to buy some baby stuff, but she didn’t answer. Thinking back, I should’ve gone over there because it was late, like after nine, and she never had Claire out that late. But I thought maybe you had called her and I didn’t want to interrupt her knowing how much those calls meant to us.” Pausing, Ryley wipes away a tear, which has fallen down her cheek. I hate that I’m asking her to relive this time in her life, but I’m hoping she has a clue as to what happened to my wife.

  “It was the next day that everything went to hell. Between the Chaplin coming to my door and my parents, I never called Penny and she never phoned me either. I … I didn’t think anything of it because we were grieving and I knew we’d grieve together, eventually. I never questioned that she wouldn’t be there for me. Frannie was the one who told me she had left. It was only a day or so after we got the news, I think. She said she had gone over to check on her and Claire, being that River was the team leader and all she felt it was her duty as his wife to make sure we were all okay. Now that I think about it, it should’ve been Penny or I checking on her since her and River had just gotten married, but I was wreck. I couldn’t eat
or sleep and being pregnant didn’t help. Plus, my parents weren’t letting me out of their sight.

  “Before Evan’s funeral, I had to meet my mom on base for some paperwork, so decided to go for a walk and I ended up in front of your house. There was absolutely no life in the house whatsoever. I could see Claire’s swing in the backyard just blowing in the wind like she was on it, but yet she wasn’t. Your neighbor came out and said that Penny had packed up and left in the middle of the night, which I just couldn’t believe. I wish I had asked her when she left exactly, but I assumed it was when she had been told that you died. I tried to call her, but her phone had been disconnected.

  “The house—” She stops and shakes her head. “Oh, the house looked nothing like the home you and Penny had created. I tried the door, hoping that the neighbor was wrong, but as soon as I stepped in I knew Penny had left. I could tell a few of the pictures were gone, their frames lay haphazardly on the floor, but all your furniture was still there. It looked like a few of Claire’s toys and clothes were gone, as well as some of Penny’s things. I had told your neighbor that I would be back to finish cleaning it out, thinking I’d put everything in our garage until she came back, but when Nate and I went back over with boxes, the house had been emptied and a new family was about to move in. It hadn’t been a day or so after the funerals. The Navy wasted no time getting your stuff out of there.

  “Some weeks later I had voiced my concerns to Nate about Penny and Claire and how I found it odd that we buried you, but she wasn’t there. My mom also looked into a few things and noticed that your pension and death benefit hadn’t been touched, which I also found odd. I mean, why leave if you don’t take the money? That’s when I went down to the police station and tried to file the report, but they told me wives disappear all the time and more so when married to SEALs because the guys are never home. The officer wouldn’t listen when I said Penny wouldn’t do that and she loved you wholeheartedly. I brought up the guy who we saw that Deefur didn’t like and the car, but he dismissed my claims saying that I’d probably been seeing things because of my mental state after losing Evan, even though I argued it had happened before.”

  Ryley takes a few more tissues out of the box and dabs her eyes, smearing her make-up in the process. I look to Evan for some guidance, who nods, encouraging me to continue.

  “Did you ever see the car again, the one that had been following you? Do you remember what it looked like?”

  Taking a deep breath, Ryley shrugs. “I don’t know. Maybe I did. There were a lot of cars on my block after we got the news. At the time, I thought it was the press, but there was only one article about you guys dying. No one ever brought it up again. And thinking back now—I was probably followed more times than I know. Shit was weird. The street was busier. The phone would ring, but it’d be dead air or hang-ups. I told Nate that I thought the phone calls were you,” she pauses and looks at Evan, “trying to tell me you were alive, but he said you were gone and I needed to accept that.”

  “Of course he did,” Evan mutters, earning a stern look from Ryley. Evan knows that Nate holds a special place in Ryley’s heart, and she hates when he badmouths his brother.

  “Were you trying to call?” she asks sternly.

  “No.”

  “All right then.” Ryley turns her attention back to me with an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry about that. Evan needs a little reminder every now and again.”

  Evan pokes her in the side and kisses her on the cheek. I know things have been hard for him, especially knowing that his brother was set to marry his girl, but it’s all worked out and Evan and Nate are on the path to becoming best friends again.

  “I should’ve asked more questions, but I didn’t know. I had lost Evan, the only man I had ever loved, and was pregnant with his son. I was about to lose the house we had bought together because his checks stopped and I wasn’t entitled to the death benefit, his mother made sure of that. I had his life insurance, but that was only going to last so long. I’m sorry, Tucker. I wish I had done more.”

  Reaching over, Ryley places her hand on top of mine. I fight back the tears, knowing that Penny felt unsafe while I was gone and feel solidly that she didn’t leave me. My wife is running from someone or something. I just have to find her before whatever it is does.

  “When we were on the beach after we got back, Frannie said she remembers a moving truck. Did you see a moving truck near our house?”

  Ryley’s eyes drift off as if she’s trying to remember. It’s only a matter of seconds until she’s shaking her head. “I’m sorry, I don’t remember a truck. Living off base kept me a bit secluded from on base activity.”

  “I hate saying this, but we all know some shit went down that they don’t want us to know about. I bet there are cameras everywhere on base, monitoring everything. Someone knows why Penny left in such a hurry. We just need to figure who that person is and get them to start talking,” Evan says, adding more theories to an already large conspiracy.

  “Who?’ I ask, shrugging.

  “I don’t know,” Evan states matter-of-factly.

  EVERYTHING RYLEY IS TELLING me is a lot to process. More importantly, I feel like an ass for asking her to relive this nightmare, but she’s the only one who has some of the answers I need. These are questions I should’ve asked when we first came back; however, she wasn’t in any shape to answer them. Dealing with Evan’s return was enough of a blow and they had their own things to work out.

  “The day we were at the beach, Frannie had a lot to say.”

  “Yeah, she was everywhere once we got the news. She was my rock. Frannie acted like our leader, much like River was yours. Only now that I think about it, it was so she could get information on us.” It pains me to hear this about a woman we know had a hand in this conspiracy.

  “You mentioned Penny wasn’t at the funeral, but I recall Frannie saying Penny left shortly after. Do you think you can remember exactly?”

  I feel like a fucking therapist asking a victim to remember her attacker or what was going on around her. A quick glance at Evan assures me that he’s okay with my line of questioning. If he weren’t, he’d tell me to cool it for the night. He is, without a doubt, protective of Ryley and isn’t afraid to assert himself where she’s concerned. I feel the same way about Penny and I know I’d be acting the same as Evan, especially since there’s already been an attempt on Ryley’s life.

  “I’ll be right back,” she says as she stands and walks out of the room, leaving Evan and I.

  “Where’s she going?”

  “Dunno, bathroom maybe?” Evan says with a shrug.

  There’s an awkward silence between us, but it has nothing to do with a lack of conversation. The shit we’ve been discussing tonight is hard and weighs heavily on us. We’ve been through hell and back, lived to tell people who care to listen about it, but have nothing to show for it except our lives … which in the grand scheme of things is better than nothing.

  Ryley returns with a shoebox and sits down in the same spot. “There are things I remember and there are some things I think happened. Like I said, I was in a fog. My life, as I knew it, was gone. I was that young girl who had based every adult decision around Evan, only to be left pregnant and alone. So when he died … part of me died, too, and I didn’t cope very well. Long nights of watching home videos and sleeping in his clothes on the couch was what my life entailed. I had this amazing group of people surrounding me, making sure I didn’t lose EJ, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t missing Penny.

  “After about a month or so, pictures started arriving from the funerals. I found it odd that someone was taking pictures, but they were military funerals and those are often shared everywhere, so it didn’t really mean anything out of the ordinary. I looked at them until Nate put them in a box, saying they weren’t helping the healing process.” Ryley lifts the box that’s sitting on her lap.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” Evan asks her, his voice soft and caring. This is a side o
f Evan I rarely see. When we’re together, we’re always strong, never showing any type of weakness.

  “I forgot about them until Tucker asked if I was sure Penny missed his funeral.”

  Ryley lifts the lid, and I have to fight my instincts to yank the box away from her to look at the contents myself. Ryley pulls out four stacks of photos, each one tied in navy blue ribbon. It only takes her a second to grab the stack she’s looking for. Everything she’s doing is painstaking slow and hidden from my view. Evan isn’t watching either as his eyes are focused on the wall in front of him. It’s fucking morbid to see pictures from your own funeral, and if I didn’t know any better I’d think I’m having an out of body experience.

  “Years ago I’d say these are the images from your funeral. I don’t remember Penny or Claire being there, but I don’t remember much from those first few days. She’s not in the pictures here.” She hands me the stack and I take them without breaking eye contact with her. I don’t want to see what’s on them because the heartbreak of knowing my wife wasn’t at my funeral is a lot to bear. I should look because there may be a clue in one of the photos. Not that I’d know what I’m looking for.

  “Who took my flag?” I ask as I thumb through each picture. I have very little family, having been raised by my grandmother. I got word while deployed that she had died and that Penny had followed her wishes for cremation. Sitting here now I don’t even know if that’s true or not.

  “I don’t know,” Ryley says, shaking her head. “I don’t remember. I’m sorry, Tucker.” She sets her hand on my wrist and gives it a squeeze.

  I nod, letting her know it’s okay even though she realizes none of this is far from being all right. I’m not sure any of us will ever feel normal again, or feel like we don’t have to watch our backs.