Mother Puncher

by Gina Ranalli

  “It’s like trying to walk on ice,” Tea said. “Be careful.”

  Ed ignored her and shouted at the pregnant woman. “Shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch! You could have killed us!”

  This statement of fact only caused her to laugh harder. She was holding her bountiful belly, tears streaming down her apple cheeks.

  “You just wait till you drop that brat,” Ed went on. “I’m gonna punch you like you’ll never forget!”

  It took Ed several times of trying before he managed to stand up, even with the help of Tea, who gripped the counter with one hand and tried to help him keep his balance with the other.

  “How come you’re not falling down?” he asked when he was finally up.

  “Grew up in Chicago. lots of ice.”

  “Ed?” Sandy said. “Can I get a hand here?”

  Getting Sandy up was another comedy of errors but together Ed and Tea managed to do it on the fifth or sixth try. Once she was standing, Sandy glared at the pregnant woman and gave a look of disgust at the blue dish soap that covered them all. “She must have used a dozen bottles of this stuff.”

  “Yeah,” Ed agreed, trying to flick the goo from his fingers. “You ever have someone do this before?”

  “Nope. New one on me.”

  “I’m gonna knock her block off,” Ed grumbled. “My head feels like someone hit it with a bat.”

  “Do you guys get hazard pay?” Tea asked.

  “You’d think that, wouldn’t you?” Sandy said, rubbing a bruise on her forearm.

  Ed’s cell phone rang. He looked down at his pocket, dismayed, not wanting it to get gooey. “I’ll let voice mail pick it up,” he said.

  Sandy eyed the pregnant woman and said, “I’m gonna have to get her to a new room.”

  “Don’t bother!” the woman cried with delight. She pointed at Ed, still laughing, “Lord, we got you good, you son-of-a-bitch! My water ain’t even broke yet!” To Sandy she said, “Clean that shit up off the floor so I can get out of here without breaking my neck or I’ll sue your sorry asses!”

  The three of them stared at her, expressions of disbelief and dismay on their faces.

  “Can she do that?” Tea asked.

  Almost sounding bored, Sandy said, “I’ll go call an orderly.” Very carefully, holding on to everything she could, she managed to get to the doorway without falling down. “Ed, keep an eye on her, will you?”

  “Sure.”

  After Sandy had left, the woman abruptly stopped laughing and gazed at Ed warily.

  His phone began to ring again. He ignored it.

  “Aren’t you gonna answer that?” Tea asked. “What if it’s something important?”

  “I doubt it. Besides, it’s a new phone. I don’t want it to get sticky.”

  The three of them watched each other in silence for a while, until Tea broke it by announcing, “I can’t stay here. This chick is giving me the creeps.”

  “Welcome to my world,” Ed told her. “We can wait in the hall.”

  Slip sliding away, they made their way out of the room safely.

  “I think I’m getting the hang of walking on that shit,” Ed said proudly.

  “For your sake, I hope no one is ever that imaginative again.”

  “Good point.”

  His cell rang again. He frowned down at his pocket while Tea looked at him expectantly.

  “It must be something important,” she said.

  Ed glanced at her, suspicious. “You have a crystal ball in that ridiculous suit?”

  “No, I just know that whenever someone rings your phone like that, it’s usually for a reason.”

  He scratched his forehead, then his ear. He felt itchy all over and desperately wanted a shower. All he needed at this point was the water—no soap required.

  In his pocket, the phone continued to ring. He was being to suspect it was Drizzle. Only that little dweeb would be so persistent.

  “Where the fuck is that orderly?” he growled.

  “I thought you said you were patient?”

  “I lied.”

  “I figured. They’re probably busy cleaning egg off the side of the building or something.”

  “Hmm.” Ed hadn’t thought of that. He peered back into the birthing room. The pregnant woman hadn’t moved; she was still in the bed, peering at him with sullen eyes. “She’s not going anywhere. I’m gonna go wash my hands.”

  “Good idea. Mine are gross too. Can I come?”

  “To the men’s room?”

  She made a disgusted face. “You wish.”

  “Oh, yeah. I’d probably rape you, right?”

  “Stranger things have happened.”

  He grunted and together they cruised down the hall to the restrooms and briefly parted ways. He was drying his hands on a paper towel when his phone rang again. This time he pulled it from his pocket and checked the display screen. Drizzle. Of course.

  Flipping it open, he said, “Now is not a good time.”

  “Man, it’s not a good time anywhere.”

  “You know there’s a riot going on outside the hospital right now?”

  “Yeah, I heard, but there are riots going on all over the place.”

  “What do you want me to do about it? I’m at fucking work! Don’t tell me you found a bitch giving birth to a litter of pups behind some Dumpster and you want me to come take care of it, because I’m not in the mood. Not to mention, I couldn’t get out of here right now if I wanted to.”

  “Well, you better find a way, man, because the mob is headed straight for your house.”

  Ed paused, his head pounding. “What?”

  “Envision: It’s a lifestyle. Remember? Your house?”

  He whirled to face himself in the mirror. “What the fuck are you talking about, Drizzle?”

  “A Dime. I got a call from a Dime, man. I got a call from a chick who got a call from a chick who got a call.”

  Ed waited, listening.

  Drizzle said, “The Dimes are getting dropped on you, man. On all the Mother Punchers. They’re coming for you.”

  Rubbing his stubble with his free hand, Ed said, “Well, I’m right here. What are they going to Envision for?”

  “Not sure. But Ash is there, isn’t she?”

  He checked his watch, tried to remember what day it was.

  The men’s room door swung open and Tea peeked in. “Is it safe?”

  Ed ignored her. Into the phone he said, “Yeah, I think she has a late shift at the station tonight. So she’s probably there. But, Drizzle, there’s no way anyone could get to the house. Envision has guards, remember?”

  “Guards didn’t stop me.”

  Tea came into the rest room and leaned against a sink, trying to read Ed’s face.

  Pacing, Ed tried to think. It was hard with the way his head was aching.

  “Champ?” Drizzle said.

  “Yeah, I’m thinking. What?”

  “Word on the street is that Bowie is leading the charge.”

  “What the fuck?” he shouted. “Are you sure?”

  “I’m just telling you what I heard.”

  “That motherfucker.” Then another thought occurred to him. “Are you just fucking with me, Drizzle? Because if you are—”

  “No way, man. What kind of a scum do you think I am?”

  Ed was tempted to say “one of the lowest” but he bit his tongue. Instead, he said, “I told Bowie that I’d do that moonlighting gig with you. That must have been what pissed him off. That and the ass whipping I gave him.”

  “No shit? Really? You didn’t tell me that part”

  “Yeah,” he said reluctantly. “Man, I hate that fucker.”

  “Speaking of the moonlighting gig, I’ve already got a few leads. Did you know there’s something like that…uh…what did they call it? Freedom Train or something? For the slaves back in the day?”

  “The Underground Railroad?”

  “Yeah, that’s it man! An Underground Railroad for the preggies. Bet the guy
s in the White House would give out medals for uncovering something that big. Supposed to run the whole length of the country.”

  “I’m guessing the guys in the White House already know about it,” Ed said absently. “Can we please stay on one subject at a time, Drizzle?”

  “Oh, yeah. Sorry, man.”

  “Okay. So, you and me, we’re square, right? No hard feelings?”

  “It’s hip to be square, man!” Drizzle laughed at his own joke.

  “Was that a yes?”

  “Yeah. Absolutely. We’re totally square, man. You’re my hero, remember?”

  “Uh huh. Okay, then. Where are you now?”

  “Nowhere special. Just driving around looking for some riot action. I figure maybe there’s gonna be looting and shit, like those LA riots I learned about in history class in high school. I have my camcorder right here, in case I find anything juicy.”

  “Go to Envision, Drizzle. I’ll meet you there. Try to get to my house. If the guard doesn’t let you in, make a run for it on foot. If he catches you, don’t worry, I’ll be there soon.”

  “Uh…okay. But, Champ?”

  “What?”

  “What am I supposed to do when I get there?”

  Ed thought about it. He had no idea. “You have any weapons?”

  “No, man. Just the camcorder, like I said.”

  “Well, I guess that might come in handy. Maybe you could swing it if you had to.”

  “Swing it?” Drizzle sounded worried. “Swing it at who?”

  “The fucking mothers. Who else?”

  17

  Ed ended the call and told Tea what was going on. When he finished, he said, “I gotta get home.”

  “Can I come?”

  But Ed was already pushing his way through the bathroom door, mentally kicking himself for even wasting the time it took to explain everything to the girl.

  Together, he and Tea hurried to the exit that led out to the parking lot. Wisely, he stopped and peered out the little square window before opening the door.

  There were people in the parking lot vandalizing the vehicles.

  “Motherfucker!” he growled. “My truck!”

  Tea pushed him aside, stretched her neck and looked out. “Is that the employee’s lot?”

  “Yep.”

  “They’re being so quiet.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, listen. When have you ever heard of a quiet riot?”

  “Uh…”

  “Exactly. They’re doing things like spraying painting the cars, popping the hoods, ripping out wires, slashing the tires. Shit like that. They’re not smashing windows and bashing the bodies with sledgehammers.”

  “So the fuck what?” Ed demanded. “Damage is damage. Who cares if they’re being quiet about it? They probably just didn’t want us to hear them from inside the building.”

  “Exactly,” Tea said.

  Ed gave her a blank stare.

  “If they don’t want anyone inside to hear, then it must mean that they want everyone who leaves the building to be caught by surprise.”

  “That’s stupid. All we have to do is look out the window, like we just did. Bang. There goes the surprise.”

  Tea frowned. “Doesn’t it seem weird to you, though?”

  “I don’t know. I only know I have to get to my truck and get home.”

  “Well, going out there right now seems like a really bad idea to me.”

  He glanced out the window again, trying to count how many people there were and found that he couldn’t. His line of sight only showed him a small sliver of the parking lot and in that sliver he could see about eight people, both men and women, though mostly women. He couldn’t see his own truck at all, but he knew it was nearby and had probably sustained quite a bit of damage, especially since the assholes had seen him drive up in it in the first place. Hell, for all he knew, they’d gained entry into the employee’s parking lot for the sole purpose of trashing his truck. Maybe all the other cars were just collateral damage, something for the rioters to do until they got their hands on some actual meat. Most likely, his meat.

  “Fuck,” he hissed through clenched teeth.

  “I have a car,” Tea said.

  He looked at her. “Where is it?”

  “Visitor’s parking.”

  “Let’s go.”

  18

  They raced from one side of the hospital to the other, dodging doctors, nurses, patients, orderlies, visitors and various members of the cleaning staff. Tea ran holding her shoes in one hand so she wouldn’t trip and fall on her face.

  No one they passed looked twice at them. The entire hospital seemed on the verge of panic, knowing they were surrounded by an angry mob and had virtually no way to escape unscathed.

  When they arrived at the front of the hospital, they had no choice but to stop running. The waiting area around the check-in counter was wall to wall people, all of them fearfully peering over each other’s shoulders to see outside.

  Ed pushed his way through to see out the huge sliding glass doors.

  More people, mostly women, stood in the visitors parking area, facing the building and staring back through the glass at the people inside.

  “They’re just standing there,” Tea said, coming up beside Ed. “Creepy. Why aren’t they just coming in?”

  “I don’t know,” he said.

  “Maybe they’re like vampires and have to be invited in.”

  Ed almost laughed, but when he glanced at the girl, he saw that she was serious. “Don’t be ridiculous,” he said. “They’re not vampires.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Well, they’re out in the daytime, aren’t they?”

  “True. But maybe they’re impervious to sunlight. Maybe they can stand it, but they don’t have any energy to attack during the day. So, they just keep guard, waiting for night.”

  “Yeah,” Ed said, rolling his eyes. “I bet that’s it.”

  “It’s a theory,” she said.

  “Yeah. A lame theory. Where’s your car?”

  She pointed. “Right over there. Beside that Hummer.”

  “The red Volkswagen?”

  “Yeah, why? You have a thing against Germans too?”

  Ed didn’t reply. He just didn’t see the point in arguing about the superiority of American-made vehicles at the moment. “We have to go right past those people to get to it.”

  “You think they’ll attack anyone who goes out there?”

  “Not sure. But I am pretty damn sure they’ll attack me.”

  “Maybe they don’t know you’re still here.”

  “They know.”

  Tea studied the figures outside. “How can you be sure?”

  He demonstrated by knocking on the glass. When a dozen pair of eyes found him, he flipped them the bird.

  One of them pointed and screamed, “MOTHER PUNCHER!”

  “See?”

  “Well, of course they know now. Dumb ass.”

  “They knew anyway.”

  “If you say so.”

  More people outside were taking up the Mother Puncher chant now and Ed dragged Tea away from the doors.

  “I don’t know how I’m gonna get to your car.”

  “Well, you’re not going without me, if that’s what you’re implying.”

  “I wasn’t implying anything. Stop being so paranoid.”

  “I’m not paranoid!”

  Ed filled his lungs with air and then released it in a long slow whoosh.

  “I have an idea,” Tea said, her eyes suddenly bright with excitement.

  “Yeah? What is it?”

  She pointed to herself.

  Ed raised his eyebrows and waited. When she didn’t say anything, he said, “You wanna give me a piggy-back?”

  “No,” Tea groaned. “Look at me.”

  “I am looking at you.”

  “What do you see?”

  “A weird pregnant girl dressed in a guy’s black suit.”
r />   She smiled proudly. “I’m not pregnant.”

  “Oh, sorry. A weird fat girl dressed in a guy’s black suit.”

  “Very funny. I’m not fat either. Get it?”

  “Soooo…you’re wearing a costume.”

  “Exactly.”

  Ed sighed again. “I don’t have time for games, Tea. My house is probably being burned to the ground right now.”

  “I’m in disguise!” she blurted.

  “Okay.”

  She shook her head, exasperated. “We need to find you a disguise.”

  He didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to yell at her. She was only trying to help. But, in the end, he yelled anyway. “Just where the fuck do you think I’m gonna find a disguise around here?”

  Giving him a wounded look, she said, “You could dress up like a nurse.”

  “Yeah? And wear a bag over my head? The nurses wear scrubs, in case you haven’t noticed. Not very effective as a disguise.”

  “Well, you come up with an idea then.”

  Crossing his arms over his chest, he said, “This blows.”

  They watched the people around them for a while. A minute passed. Then another. Suddenly, Ed snapped his fingers. “I got it. We could snatch an ambulance.”

  “People really do that?” Tea asked doubtfully. “I thought it was something they could only get away with in the movies.”

  “What’s life but a movie that hasn’t been filmed yet?”

  She scrunched up her nose. “Did you really just say that?”

  “Come on. Let’s go check it out.”

  Then they were going back the way they had come, heading for Emergency.

  “I sure am getting my exercise today,” Tea puffed, jogging along behind Ed. “I had no idea hospitals were so good for cardio.”

  When they got to Emergency, they were disappointed to see that it was just as bustling as everywhere else in the hospital.

  “Did everyone get sick all at once?” Ed asked. He didn’t wait for a reply, hurrying over to the entrance to see if there were any ambulances outside. Not one.

  “Fuck!” He shoved his way over to a nurse he’d never seen before and asked where they all were.

  “Out on calls. They can’t keep up. They’re getting a new one every couple of minutes. Why?”

  He ran a hand down his scraggly face. “No reason. Just wondered.”