Lookin' For Luv

by Carl Weber

“Calling the police. What else would you expect me to do about that animal?”

  “Please don’t do that,” she begged, and he looked at her incredulously.

  “What are you talking about? He could have killed you!”

  “I know, I know,” she answered sadly. “But it’s much more complicated than you know.”

  Mr. Good couldn’t imagine anyone having a valid reason for doing the damage that he saw to his apartment and to Shawna’s face. But he had learned long ago to stay out of his tenants’ business. He placed the phone back on the receiver and went to the kitchen to get ice for Shawna’s face.

  38

  ANTOINE, TYRONE, AND KEVIN

  It was almost midnight when Antoine finally stumbled to the block he lived on. He had walked home from Shawna’s. It had taken two hours, all of which he spent deep in thought. For at least the first two miles it was all he could do to control his rage and not go back and finish the job. But as he walked farther, he realized that would not solve the problem he was left with. Even if Shawna were dead and gone, he knew he would never trust any woman as blindly as he had trusted her. And much, much worse, he now had doubts about his own sexuality.

  He worried that perhaps there were obvious signs about Shawna’s true identity that any perfectly straight man should have recognized. His mind wandered back over the length of their relationship, and of course he was able to come up with things he felt he never should have missed.

  She was awfully tall for a woman, with those big damn hands. Why didn’t I know what she really meant when she kept talking about her operation? No breast operation costs so much that you need to take a second job. And no woman nowadays is so uptight about giving some up unless she’s got something to hide. He shuddered at his own ignorance about what he now thought were obvious details.

  A wave of nausea hit him as he realized that less than two hours before he had had his tongue inside Shawna’s mouth. He silently thanked God that things had never gotten further. As difficult as it was to remain celibate during that time, he was now extremely grateful. If much more had happened, he would be in need of some serious psychiatric help. Stopping suddenly, he doubled over and threw up on the sidewalk for the fourth time. The first time was right in front of Shawna’s building.

  As he approached his own neighborhood, Antoine stopped in front of Benny’s Bar, his hand on the door. All he wanted to do was end all the painful thoughts and self-doubt that were swirling around in his head. He knew that Benny could mix a few strong drinks that would take care of that. Opening the door slowly, he glanced around at the bar’s patrons. Benny saw him at the door and waved to him. Antoine returned the wave with a weak smile but knew he couldn’t go in there. He was in no mood for pleasantries, even if Benny was his favorite bartender and somewhat of a friend. He closed the door and trudged toward his own building.

  He planned to open a bottle of rum and drink himself into oblivion. The irony of the situation hit him as he remembered the last time he had gotten dangerously drunk in his apartment. Then, he had been drunk because he had lost Shawna. Now he wanted to get drunk to lose any memory of her. His head pounded with an intensity he had never felt.

  Passing Keisha’s apartment, he paused momentarily. A thought crossed his mind. At least with Keisha he had proof that she was indeed a woman. Maybe he could go to her and apologize, then give her some good loving the way only a real man can. He laughed wryly and imagined pounding his chest like Tarzan, a true he-man.

  Although some good sex might have dispelled his own fears just then, he knew he wouldn’t be getting any from Keisha that night. After all he had said to her during their fight earlier, she wouldn’t be giving anything up without another round of verbal abuse. Antoine knew he couldn’t put himself in that situation. He didn’t want to risk letting Keisha get a rise out of him because all his rage at Shawna was still pretty close to the surface. It could resurface at any time, and Keisha didn’t deserve any of the pain he still wished he could inflict on Shawna.

  “Yo, Antoine, what’s up?” Tyrone’s voice startled him. He and Kevin were sitting on Kevin’s car, parked at the curb in front of Antoine’s building.

  “What’s up, guys?” he answered sadly. “I didn’t even see you standing there.”

  “I can see that.” Kevin walked over to his friend and spoke gently. “What happened to you, man? Tyrone and I waited at the school till ten o’clock for you. I was worried about you. You okay?” He could see that Antoine was not in good shape.

  “Sorry, guys,” he replied, unable to look his friends in the eye. “Right now I feel like less than a man.”

  “You’re not the only one to feel like that after you got your girl pregnant, Antoine,” Tyrone told him. He had made a promise to himself that he would refrain from his usual jokes tonight. He knew how it felt to be worried about a. pregnant girlfriend. Jokes were not what Antoine would need from his friends.

  Tyrone placed his arm around Antoine’s shoulder sympathetically. “I couldn’t even look in the mirror when my girl got pregnant with my first daughter.”

  Antoine looked up at his friends. He had shared most, if not all, of his personal life with the two of them in the past year. Now he was at a crossroads. Should he tell them that Shawna was a man? Would they understand and be supportive, or would they laugh and ridicule him? He was desperate for someone he could talk to about the depth of the situation, but something stopped him from telling his best friends. Recalling their night in the Men’s Club, he remembered that Tyrone had seemed to be enjoying Antoine’s trouble. Tyrone seemed to think it was funny that Antoine’s girl might work in a place like that, and he kept egging Uncle Billy on to tell more about the most raunchy aspects of the club. Antoine was afraid that if he shared his latest dilemma, Tyrone might find a way to twist that into a joke also. He wasn’t ready to take that chance yet, so he decided to keep Shawna’s secret to himself.

  “Look, why don’t we go upstairs? I don’t want to see Keisha right now,” Antoine suggested. The three of them walked up the stairs to Antoine’s apartment and sat down in the living room.

  “So, your girl’s pregnant, huh?” Tyrone stated this more than asked, ending a five-minute silence.

  “Yeah.”

  “Does she want to keep the baby?”

  “Yeah, at least that’s what she told me.” Antoine lowered his head in shame.

  “What about you, Antoine? What do you wanna do?” Tyrone asked as he searched his pockets for a cigarette.

  “If you had asked me that a couple of hours ago, I would have told you the last thing I want is a baby. But I’ve had some time to think things through.” Antoine looked over at the picture of Keisha. “Real men take care of their responsibilities, don’t they?” He looked at Tyrone, then at Kevin. They both nodded their agreement.

  Tyrone was especially proud of Antoine at this moment, because he felt a man’s greatest responsibility was to his children. It had taken him years to earn the trust of his daughters’ mothers after his initial desertion. After he made the decision to truly devote himself to his girls, their mothers eventually praised him for his fathering ability, even though neither woman was able to make a relationship with him work. Tyrone knew it was pretty rare for a single woman to speak as highly about the baby’s father as these two spoke to their daughters about him. He also knew that the next best thing for a child, if the parents couldn’t stay together, was for the parents to be respectful to each other. For Antoine to say he was ready to accept the responsibility of fathering was a first step in the right direction.

  “I’m a real man, right?” Antoine asked, his mind on things totally different from Tyrone’s. He was still concerned about his sexuality. “I mean, you wouldn’t think I was gay or anything, would you?”

  “Of course you’re not gay. We are discussing the fact that your girlfriend is pregnant, aren’t we?” Kevin gave Antoine a confused look. “What the hell are you talking about anyway?”

  “That’s righ
t, Keisha’s my girlfriend. One hundred percent woman, wouldn’t you say, fellas?” He smiled, ignoring Kevin’s question. “You always said you liked her body, didn’t you, Tyrone?”

  Before Tyrone could answer, Antoine was babbling again.

  “What did you guys think about Shawna?”

  “She was all right. I really didn’t get to know her that well.” Kevin wondered why Antoine was acting so strangely paranoid.

  “Would you have gone out with her if you met her first?” Antoine continued to interrogate the men.

  “I don’t know, Antoine, that’s your ex-girl. I never looked at her that way.” Kevin wrinkled his brow in confusion as he answered.

  “What way? You didn’t think she was attractive? Or you didn’t think she was a woman?”

  “Hold on a minute, Kevin.” Tyrone stopped his friend from answering. He was worried about the bizarre way Antoine was acting. “Antoine, are you okay? You’re acting a little strange, man.”

  Usually, of the three of them, Antoine was the most rational and the most logical. He wasn’t prone to ranting the way he was then. This behavior was way out of character for his friend, who usually made so much sense.

  “What’s going on, Antoine? And don’t bullshit me,” Kevin demanded.

  “Look, I’ve got a problem and I really want to talk to you guys about it.” Antoine cupped both hands around his face and sighed. “It’s just that it’s so embarrassing.” He suddenly felt sick again as another image of him and Shawna kissing flashed across his mind.

  “Look, man, you don’t have to be embarrassed around us. We’re your brothers. We’re not going to laugh at you.” Kevin gave Tyrone a dirty look. “Right, Tyrone?”

  “Listen, Antoine, I know I joke around a lot, but I also know when to be serious. I know tonight is not the night to be joking you. Believe it or not, I can be sensitive once in a while too.” Tyrone smiled kindly. He wished there were some way he could help his friend out of the obvious pain he was in.

  The thought of telling his friends he had been intimate with a man for the better part of a year made Antoine feel nauseated. But the thought of living with the knowledge alone made him feel worse. His friends’ kind words had made him feel that he could trust them with his horrible secret. Finally he got his stomach under control and wiped away his tears.

  “I don’t even know how to tell you guys this—” He was still trying to get the words out.

  “Hey, brother, just say what’s on your mind,” Tyrone replied gently, trying to help. He went to stand beside his friend as a show of moral support in this obviously difficult time.

  “I think I might be gay.” He couldn’t look them in the eye.

  Both Kevin and Tyrone were stunned into silence. Kevin was so shocked that he unconsciously took a few steps backward.

  “Look, Antoine, I’m not into that gay shit. So if this is a joke, it ain’t funny,” Kevin told him seriously.

  Instinctively he knew Antoine would not be the one to play a joke as deep as this, but he wished his friend would say he was only kidding. For all of his promises of support for Antoine, he wasn’t sure he could handle this.

  “I said I think I might be gay. I’m just a little confused about a few things and was hoping you two might help me figure it out.” Antoine’s words were defensive. He could hear the homophobia in every one of Kevin’s words and wished he had kept his mouth shut.

  “What would make you think you were gay? I mean, you like women. Don’t you?” Kevin asked, searching for any way to help his friend conclude he was straight. He was worried that he wouldn’t be able to maintain this friendship if he thought Antoine was really gay. “And what do you mean by ‘figure it out’?” he continued. “I’m tellin’ you, Antoine. I’m not into that gay shit.”

  “Sit down, Kevin,” Tyrone demanded, suddenly taking charge of the situation. He was appalled at Kevin’s sudden lack of support.

  “Antoine is supposed to be our best friend, our brother, and you’re treating him like piece of shit. You should be ashamed of yourself, man.” Kevin sat down without a word.

  “Now, what the hell would make you think you were gay? You’re about as gay as I am.” Tyrone turned his attention toward Antoine.

  “Would you say being in a relationship with a man for the better part of a year would classify you as gay, or at least bisexual?”

  “Yes, I would, but are you telling us you’ve been having a relationship with a man that we didn’t know about?” Tyrone was totally confused. “How’d you have time between Shawna and Keisha?”

  “I didn’t. That’s just it. I just found out tonight that Shawna’s a fucking man!” Antoine shouted. A rush of relief swept over him as the words finally came out. He looked at his friends for a response, but they just stared at him in shocked silence.

  “Now, that’s some deep shit,” Tyrone finally said, not quite sure what else he could say after a revelation like that.

  “He didn’t say what I think he said, did he?” Kevin asked Tyrone in a monotone. His eyes never left Antoine’s face.

  “I said Shawna’s a man,” Antoine repeated. The words came easier the second time, as if he were lifting an enormous chain from around his whole being. “Can you believe it? I was dating a chick with a dick and didn’t even know it.”

  Both Kevin and Tyrone sat silently as Antoine began to recount the events as they had unfolded at Shawna’s apartment. Kevin felt shame for the conclusions he had jumped to just minutes earlier when his friend had first mentioned the word “gay.” After Antoine had been given a chance to explain his fears about his own sexuality, Kevin knew without a doubt that the fears were unfounded. His friend was not gay.

  Hearing his story, Kevin could understand how Antoine would temporarily lose his mind. He was glad his friend had not actually acted on his murderous thoughts, but he could understand the rush to violence. And he could understand the paranoia Antoine was experiencing. Both Kevin and Tyrone knew they would have to rally around their friend to help him through this very emotional time.

  “Like I said before, that’s deep.” Tyrone broke the silence. He lit a cigarette and took a long drag before he continued. “She sure had me fooled. Usually when I meet a tall chick, I check for an Adam’s apple. But she was pretty good, ’cause the few times I’ve been around her, I never spotted the slightest bulge in her neck.”

  “No, Tyrone, there were some signs,” Kevin interjected. “We just never looked for them. I remember when I was dating Alicia she used to always say that there was something strange about Shawna. And what about at the Men’s Club? Remember what that Amed guy said to Billy? ‘I didn’t know you were into her type, Big Daddy.’ The signs were there. We just never really looked for them.”

  “I can’t believe I was such a fool. Her hands were bigger than mine. I should have guessed right away!” Antoine cried.

  “I don’t know what to say, Antoine, except I feel for you, man. If it was me, I would have broken every bone in her goddamn body.” Kevin looked at his friend sympathetically. “Damn, if it was me who was dating a man, I would have taken this information to my grave.”

  “Hold on a minute, Antoine.” Tyrone stood up and walked over to his friend, taking a drag on his cigarette before crushing it in a nearby ashtray. “First of all, you’re not gay. In order for you to be gay, or even bisexual, you would have to have known that she was a man and accepted the relationship for what it was. Second, if I had met her first, I would have tried to hook up with her. So you’re not gay. We’re all stupid.”

  “He’s right, Antoine. We all thought she was a woman.” Kevin patted his friend on the back. “Look, I’m sorry about the way I jumped on you when you said you thought you were gay. I let you down when you needed my support. Maybe I’m not always as mature as I think I am.”

  “That’s all right. I’m not as mature as I think I am either.” Antoine stood up and stretched, walking over to the picture of Keisha on his table. “All I can do is think about mys
elf while poor Keisha’s downstairs worried about if she’s going to raise a baby by herself. Serves me right for finding out about Shawna. I was an asshole for even going over there when I knew Keisha needed me.”

  “Yeah, you were,” Tyrone replied with brutal honesty. “That woman loves you, Antoine. But you never gave her a real shot because inside you wanted to be with Shawna.”

  “I gave her a chance—”

  “Who you fooling, Antoine? Yourself maybe, ‘cause you’re not foolin’ me.” Tyrone reached into his wallet and took out a picture of his girls. “You fucked up, Antoine, just like I fucked up when I got my daughters’ mothers pregnant. Now it’s time to make up for that mistake and be a good father.”

  “Tyrone, I’m not even sure if I’m in love with Keisha.”

  “You don’t have to be in love with her to be a father. You just have to be a man. Go downstairs and talk to her, man. Tell her exactly how you feel. Then work on your problems. If you two don’t stay together, then, so be it. Just take care of your child. I promise it’ll be worth your while.”

  “Thanks, man.” Antoine wrapped his arm around Tyrone in a hug. “I needed to hear that. I’m just glad I heard it from you.”

  “No problem, brother. Listen, I have to get back to Sylvia. She’s getting the rest of her things out of her house. It’ll be just my luck Maurice will make bail while she’s in the house by herself. Who knows what else he’s crazy enough to do.”

  “I better get back too. Alicia’s probably getting worried,” Kevin added, looking at his watch.

  “Alicia?” Tyrone gave Kevin a strange look, then smiled. “Talk about a blast from the past. When’d you hook up with her?”

  “About a month ago. I was waiting to see if everything was gonna work out before telling y’all.”

  “Well, is it?” Tyrone asked.

  “Better than I coulda ever imagined.”

  “What about that order of protection?”

  “She had it rescinded.”

  “Well, I hope she finally gave you some?” Tyrone looked skeptical.