Jacob Wonderbar for President of the Universe

by Nathan Bransford

  Patrick and a heavily armed soldier marched the monkeys out of the bunker and into a small forest, which was surrounded by a high fence covered with several different types of barbed wire. Dexter saw some sparks emitting from the fence and figured it must be electrified. The planet’s sun was shining very brightly and intensely, and the trees looked like pine trees on Earth, though they had broad orange leaves. Dexter saw a flash out of the corner of his eye and then barely ducked in time as a huge buzzing insect the size of a small bird nearly collided with his head. It looked like an overgrown dragonfly, and Dexter could have sworn it licked its insect lips as it passed.

  “What was that?!” he shouted.

  “Knifefly,” Patrick said. “Watch out for those, they’ll make you bleed for sure.” He sounded quite pleased by the idea. “’Course, we officers have knifefly repellant.”

  “Where are we?” Dexter asked.

  Patrick laughed, which Dexter thought sounded like a taxicab honking. He elbowed a soldier next to him. “Get a load of this, Madrigal. Dirty Earther doesn’t know where we are.”

  “Pathetic, sir,” Madrigal said.

  “I’d like to get back to my friends,” Dexter said quietly. “Isn’t this kidnapping? Isn’t it against the law? I mean, I met the king and he didn’t seem like the type to—”

  Patrick stuck a stubby finger into Dexter’s chest. “The king’s just about finished, Earther, and he’s not going to protect your stupid planet anymore. You’d do well to avoid mentioning his name around here, because as soon as he’s elected, Mick Cracken is going to—”

  Madrigal cleared his throat, and said, “Sir… Your father said not to mention…”

  “Yeah, yeah.” Patrick waved Madrigal away and pressed his lips together, his face turning redder than it already was. He pushed Dexter toward the forest. “Time for your bananas.”

  Dexter decided he’d rather spend time with space monkeys than with Patrick Gravy and walked through the gate in the direction of the racket the chimps were making. He could see them in the distance, swinging around in the trees and eating bananas. Patrick slammed the gate behind him.

  Dexter was completely unsurprised to hear Patrick say the name Mick Cracken. He had already suspected that Mick was somehow behind the entire ordeal. Kidnapping Dexter with space monkeys probably wasn’t even the most nefarious thing Mick Cracken had done that day. But even though Dexter had a strong feeling that Mick was behind it, it didn’t help the more pressing matter of how Dexter was going to…

  “Psst…”

  Dexter heard a noise from the bushes, and he looked around for a stick in case one of Patrick’s goons was about to attack him.

  “Pssssst…” he heard again. He saw big figures hiding in the bush, and he thought they looked quite familiar.

  “It’s Officers Bosendorfer and Erard,” Officer Bosendorfer whispered loudly. “We’re here to rescue you.”

  “And hurry up, because we’re tired of eating bananas,” Officer Erard added.

  Dexter crept over to the bush, and he could see that Officers Bosendorfer and Erard were dressed in camouflage and had even taped foliage to their helmets. They clearly had thought they would blend in, but their pink skin gave them away. Their large bodies were heaving in the heat, and there was a massive pile of banana peels nearby.

  “Right,” Officer Erard said. “Now then. Let’s get out of here. We’re under strict orders to return you to Candidate Wonderbar.”

  “You talked to Jacob? Where is he?”

  “I say,” Officer Bosendorfer said, looking at his watch. “It’s almost time for their blasted—”

  Dexter was thrown to the ground by a shockwave and deafened by the sound of a massive explosion. The monkeys screeched nervously in the trees, and Dexter saw a fireball rise from the field nearby. He heard hearty cheering, and Patrick’s distinctive high voice yelling, “That one was awesome!”

  “What was that?!” Dexter asked.

  “Morning missile,” Officer Bosendorfer said. “They don’t like to go more than a few parcelticks without setting one off. They’re a bunch of crazy goons, and if I had my way we’d lock up the whole lot of them on Planet Clink.”

  Dexter stood up carefully. Between knifeflies, missile explosions, and surly kid soldiers, he wasn’t sure what he should fear the most. He was terrifically relieved that the officers had come to rescue him, even if he felt a stab of disappointment that Jacob and Sarah hadn’t come with them.

  The officers turned and walked toward their police cruiser, which was hovering a short distance away, covered with twigs and sticks.

  Dexter turned back and saw Rufus rolling through some leaves, throwing a banana up and down to himself and having a great time, and his heart sank. If he left Rufus behind, he knew the monkeys would be locked back up in a cage and forced to go kidnap whoever Patrick’s crew decided needed kidnapping that day. He didn’t know the space monkeys very well, but it didn’t seem like a very noble life, and they didn’t seem to like Patrick and General Gravy very much.

  “Hang on,” he called out to the officers. “We have to take the monkeys.”

  “Allergic,” Officer Bosendorfer said quickly. “Terrible allergy. Can’t think when I’m around them. I go blind.”

  “My mother was killed by a rogue band of space monkeys,” Officer Erard said. “I have never forgiven them.”

  Officer Bosendorfer covered his mouth in panic. “Your mother is dead? When did this happen?! She sent me a lovely Astralday card just last week and…”

  Officer Erard gave him a stern nudge, and Officer Bosendorfer’s eyes widened in understanding. He turned to Dexter and said, “It was an unspeakable tragedy. Such a wonderful woman.”

  Dexter heard a distant “tweep” followed by a loud crack nearby. A small fire and some smoke rose out of the tree next to him.

  “Intruders!” he heard Patrick shout. Dexter turned just in time to see Patrick take a shot at him with his blaster.

  Dexter dove behind a tree nearby. Officers Bosen-dorfer and Erard gave each other a nod and then scrambled for their ship. He saw Boris up in the branches nearby, hissing at Patrick and Madrigal.

  “Boris!” he shouted. “Millions and millions of bananas.”

  Boris stared intently at Dexter and he knew he had his attention. He pointed at the officers’ space cruiser. “Banana now! Banana now!”

  Boris screeched, and the monkeys started scrambling for the space cruiser. Dexter followed behind them, looking over his shoulder in time to see Patrick readying another shot. Dexter dove to the ground and heard a crack where his head had just been. He scrambled on board.

  “Let’s get out of here!”

  He ran up to the cockpit. Officer Bosendorfer was trying to take off while Rufus sat happily on his shoulders.

  Officer Erard stared at a piece of plastic, and muttered, “Pick up… pick up…” He shook his head and set it down. “Jacob Wonderbar has his Telly turned off, and the spaceship Lucy says he’s not on board and good riddance.”

  “Where should we take these beasts?” Officer Bosendorfer said. He was frantically checking monitors.

  Dexter felt a shove from behind. He turned around to see Boris, with his hand outstretched. They didn’t have translation software aboard, but Dexter was certain what the voice would have said. “Banana now.”

  Dexter tried to think about where he could go to quickly get the monkeys some bananas before they completely destroyed the inside of the cruiser. It would take too long to get back through the space kapow detour, and he knew there were no bananas on Numonia or Planet Archimedes, so that left… Dexter smiled. He knew exactly where they should go.

  “Planet Royale.”

  After his phone rang incessantly during their one-zoomec, or eight Earth hours, flight to Planet Archimedes, Catalina finally taught Jacob how to program the Astral Telly so that it would only ring when people he really wanted to speak to were calling. He immediately added Dexter, as well as the king and Miss Banks, and
after a great deal of thought he decided to add Mick Cracken and Sarah Daisy as well.

  His heart raced when he thought about adding one more person, someone he had wanted to talk to for years, but he wondered if he was being foolish. He checked to make sure that Catalina wasn’t looking, and then he quickly whispered his dad’s name to the list of approved callers. He stared at the Telly for a moment and thought about trying to call his dad to see if he was somewhere out in space. All he had to do was say “Call Dad,” but he couldn’t bring himself to do it, and an indignant feeling stirred within him instead. He was running for president. His dad would know he was in space. After not showing up or calling for years, his dad should have been the one to call and apologize.

  “Are you ready?” Catalina asked.

  Jacob nodded, and they stepped out onto the street on Planet Archimedes. He saw the familiar sight of scientists walking up and down the sidewalks, staring into the sky and bumping into each other since they weren’t watching where they were going. Nearly everyone was wearing the automatically focusing binoculars that Jacob had seen a guard wearing on his last trip. Apparently the guard had started a fad.

  Even though they were entering the Astral History Museum during normal hours and hadn’t done anything wrong, Jacob watched the scientists warily, ready for one of them to leap out and arrest him like last time.

  “Watch out!” Catalina shrieked.

  Jacob stopped just as he was about to step on a mouse sunning itself on the sidewalk.

  “Honestly, Jake,” she said. “You know how much they love mice here. That could have been the end of your campaign right there.”

  A scientist with tape on his glasses placed a thimble of lemonade next to the lab mouse and bowed. He gave Jacob a dainty shove and said, “Watch your step, dorkus maximus.”

  Jacob started to retort, but he didn’t imagine the scientist would vote for him if he said something insulting. He forced a smile instead, and said, “Thank you for your kind feedback.”

  They walked into the museum and suddenly heard an earsplitting scream. “Oh my stars, it’s Princess Catalina and Jacob Wonderbar!!” a girl yelled.

  A class waiting behind a velvet rope screamed and jumped up and down en masse, pointing and waving. Catalina flashed Jacob a smile and walked over to work the line, laughing, shaking hands, and signing autographs.

  Jacob was too surprised to move at first, but he realized that he needed votes and should say hello. He began shaking hands and high-fiving down the line. He was so stunned that the Astral kids knew who he was and were excited to see him that he could barely talk.

  “I’m voting for you!” a young boy blurted out when he shook his hand.

  “Thanks,” Jacob said.

  “Ugh,” a pigtailed girl grunted. Jacob noticed that she had hung back and crossed her arms while her classmates were screaming. “I’m not voting for a dirty Earther.”

  Jacob stopped and stared at her, and she avoided his gaze. He was taken aback by the disgust in her voice and was about to say something when Catalina grabbed him and pulled him away from the line.

  “Remember, kids,” Catalina announced. “Fashion first! We don’t just want your vote, we want you to look good while you’re voting. Ta-ta for now!”

  She pulled Jacob into the next room, which was completely empty. There were some interactive exhibits on the wall and a large, detailed mosaic of Earth on the floor. “I arranged for a private viewing of the museum. You’re just lucky I’m leading this tour. Michaelus flunked Astral history three times in a row.”

  “Shocker,” Jacob said.

  He wanted to ask her about why the girl in line was so hostile, but an old man with white hair was waving at them. Catalina walked up to him and stuck her hand straight into his chest and then smirked at Jacob’s horrified reaction. “Hologram,” she said.

  Jacob realized that the old man with the crazy white hair looked familiar.

  “Albert Einstein,” she said. “Have you heard of him, or did they wipe him from Earther textbooks?”

  Jacob sighed. “I’ve heard of him, yes.”

  “What they probably didn’t teach you in Earther school is that Father Albert built a spaceship and used it to leave Earth behind. He was tired of the Great Earther War and how even though he was the most brilliant Earther in history, all anyone ever wanted him to do was help them build scary horrible weapons. So he grabbed some buddies and left behind a hologram of himself to teach college and keep everyone off his trail. Pretty smart move if you ask me, even if his holo had to avoid shaking people’s hands. They just thought he was scared of germs. Meanwhile, the real Albert was off flying around space, exploring planets. He was the first king.”

  “Wow,” Jacob said.

  “And guess what?” Catalina spread her arms wide. “I’m a direct descendent! He’s my great-great-great-great-great times a million greats grandfather!”

  Jacob’s eyes went wide at this revelation, but then he chuckled. “Ah. I get it, you’re kidding. I’m not that dumb. Albert Einstein wasn’t born long enough ago to be your million-times-great-grandfather.”

  Catalina winked and beckoned Jacob into the next room. “Lesson two. Time travel.”

  “Time travel?!”

  “Oh, Jakey,” she said, patting him on the head. “You still haven’t figured out what happened when we sent you back to Earth last time? Good thing I’m the brains behind this operation.”

  Jacob thought back to when the king’s scientists put them in the box that sent them back to Earth. They had all thought they would be in a huge amount of trouble after being gone for days, but when they arrived back on Earth no time had elapsed at all and their parents weren’t surprised in the slightest to see them. They had wondered what happened but had assumed it was just a consequence of traveling such a great distance, but what actually had happened was…

  “You didn’t just send us back to Earth,” he said. “You sent us back in time.”

  “Such a smart boy,” she said. “We know how terribly Earther parents punish their children when they’ve gone missing. I wouldn’t have wanted you to be locked in a box and buried underground for days.”

  “That’s not…”

  “This way, please.”

  They stepped into a dark room with a low ceiling that gave Jacob a particularly uneasy feeling.

  “Father Albert predicted that Earth would be dangerous to us Astrals someday. Earthers had already spent their first hundred thousand years on the planet trying to blow each other to bits, and Father Albert said that they would eventually build horrible missiles and try to bring war to space. He knew that he and his friends wouldn’t stand a chance in a war since there were just a few Astrals at that time. How could a couple dozen scientists stand up to Earther war machines? So he built a time machine. He wanted Astrals to be ready.”

  Jacob stared at a device that looked like a coffin with hundreds of cables emitting from it, which was labeled as an early time machine.

  “They went back ten thousand years. They multiplied and multiplied and started other space colonies, let some Earthers they trusted join them, and developed new technologies. That’s why there are so many of us, scattered on thousands of planets all around the Milky Way galaxy. Now that we’re so developed, we’re ready for anything Earthers can bring.”

  Jacob stopped by a monitor showing a black-and-white video of a group of scientists tipping over a sleeping woolly mammoth. They high-fived and danced away, terrifying a nearby caveman, who ran away in fear.

  Catalina nodded at the screen. “Sometimes they went back to Earth to visit.”

  They walked into another room, which had old faded posters of Earth with X’s through it and pictures of planets exploding. Jacob’s heart raced. What had poor Earth done to deserve posters showing it blown up or with a thousand missiles pointed at it?

  “And that brings us to the Society for Expediting Earther Rapture. It’s a movement that thinks we should just blow the whole thing up. Ge
t rid of the Earther threat once and for all. The SEERs have a lot of members and they are a very powerful voting bloc, so we should…”

  Jacob felt his face go numb. “They want to destroy Earth?! That’s why that girl called me a ‘dirty Earther’?”

  Catalina waved her hand at him. “It’s not that nice of a planet.”

  “You’ve never even been there!”

  The strange things that Jacob had heard Astrals say about Earth were suddenly clicking into place. Officers Bosendorfer and Erard had thought Jacob was the head of an Earther army. The scientists had thought Jacob was stealing the Dragon’s Eye to build a weapon. The king had said Astrals were scared of Earth and he had wanted to talk to Jacob to see if he was right that Earth children weren’t all bad. And if the king wasn’t in power anymore and all of the crazy Astrals could vote on whether to blow up Earth, Jacob was pretty sure he knew which way the vote would go. They didn’t take anything seriously, and Jacob suspected they might just blow up Earth on a whim if it struck them as a fun thing to do. All because they had been scared of Earth from the beginning of their history.

  Catalina took Jacob’s hand and looked him in the eye. He had the sudden sense that he was reacting exactly like she wanted him to, as if she had planned this moment all along. “Listen, Jakey,” she said sweetly. “I know you’re sentimental about that polluted dustball. And that’s why I will make you a deal. When you’re elected president, you’re going to have a lot of power, including the power to say that there should still be a royal family living on Planet Royale.”

  Jacob stared into her blue eyes and braced himself for her proposal. She wrung her hands in an unsuccessful attempt to look innocent.

  “I’ll help you save Earth if you help me stay a princess.”

  When are we going to find Dexter?” Sarah whispered to Mick. “How much longer do I have to sit through this?”

  Mick shushed her, and Sarah turned her attention back to the Planet Valkyrie military demonstration. She had seen enough marching and warship flying and men jumping over walls and climbing ropes to last her several lifetimes. She tapped her foot impatiently as a group of a hundred men marched in order, their arms and legs moving together like identical synchronized robots. Their leader barked a command, and they immediately broke ranks and tumbled into somer-