by Ali Parker
“They can’t do their fucking jobs. That’s what’s going on.” Andrew pivoted, doing another march away from me. “They keep saying Jason wasn’t drinking, that he wasn’t doing drugs, that everything was normal. It was just an accident.”
I bit down on my bottom lip. This again.
“Car accidents happen sometimes,” I quietly said.
“Not out of the blue. I’ve avoided missing dozens of animals since I started driving. Shit. Hundreds if you count the squirrels. And never once have I driven into a tree because I was trying not to run something over. Have you talked to him?”
“No.” I uncomfortably looked away. If Andrew had plans to take Jason down, I couldn’t use my job to be a conspirator in his plot. That was too immoral.
“He was drinking, Lanie. Or doing drugs. Or on his phone. Something. This is his fault.”
I looked at the floor, anxiously running my fingers up and down my purse handles. What was I supposed to say? I’d already told Andrew what happened was nothing more than an accident. I’d turned into a broken record he wasn’t even listening to.
Andrew stopped pacing. Hands on hips, he looked at me, but it was that bone-chilling look again. The one that made me feel he didn’t truly see me.
“I’m cursed,” he said. “All the women in my life are doomed to suffer. Danica and Raven.” Andrew swallowed, shaking his head. “You should run, Lanie, before it’s too late.”
“No,” I gasped. Dropping my purse, I swiftly moved forward and took his face in my hands. “Curses don’t exist, Andrew. Listen to yourself right now. You’re way too logical and smart to believe in something like that. Why would God want you to suffer?”
“Why would he want anyone to?” he bitterly asked.
“She’s going to wake up.” I pressed my fingers to the back of his neck. He was slipping away. Grief was taking the old Andrew from me, and there was nothing I could do. Still, I clung to him, feebly attempting to keep him with me.
Andrew closed his eyes. My palms were still on his cheeks, and he reached up and laid his hands on my wrists. I held my breath. Was he going to pull me closer or push me away?
After a beat, he dropped his forehead against mine. I closed my eyes as well, and our exhales mixed. Someone passed by, but we paid them no mind. This was the hospital. Here, people fell apart and came back together day in and day out.
“She’s going to wake up,” I repeated in a whisper, feeling like just my saying the words made them true.
Andrew sighed, and I breathed in his exhale. I would have taken the pain from his heart as well if I could, suffered through it myself so that he wouldn’t have to.
“You should go.”
The words sent me reeling back. Dropping my hands from his face, I stepped away. “What?”
“This isn’t the place for you.” Andrew gave me the same sad look, but now it seemed there was pity in his gaze as well. Or was I imagining that last part?
“Of course, it is,” I protested. “Do you expect me to go sit at home while you’re here all alone?”
“I expect you to live your life,” he flatly answered.
My insides crumpled. Why did it feel like we’d been in this same spot before? The place where Andrew pushed me away when things got sticky? Except now, this was worse than anything else we’d been through.
“My place is here,” I said. Cheesy words, but they felt truer than anything else.
“I need some time, Lanie. Time alone with Raven. You understand, right?” He raised his eyebrows slightly, staring me down.
What I understood was that he was hurting, and that caused him to push me away. A classic move, but one I’d thought we were beyond. What happened to the intimacy we’d shared a couple days before? I was there for the good times, and now I was here for the bad ones.
Did that mean nothing? Was Andrew so shut off from the world that he didn’t even want the help that stood right in front of him?
“A few days,” he said when I didn’t answer. “That’s all.”
My chest burned with agony. I wanted to scream and tell him to let me in, but this wasn’t about me. Raven’s accident was awful for me, but for Andrew, it had to be soul shattering.
So I did what I was supposed to do. I nodded. I couldn’t look him in the eyes while I did it, but at least I was agreeing.
“Let me know if you need anything,” I rasped, picking my purse up and putting it on my shoulder.
“Thank you.” His response was stilted, but, like with everything else, I couldn’t blame him. All I could do was be there for him. Or not.
Whatever it was Andrew needed, I would give it to him.
Turning on my heel, I walked for the doors at the end of the hallway. With my back finally to Andrew, I let the tears flow. I cried for myself. For him. For Raven. For everyone in the whole stupid world who had to suffer and live with nothing making sense.
Chapter 48
Andrew
“This is everything I got.” Keith Shepherd laid the folder on my home desk.
I lifted it, testing its weight—or, rather, lightness. “It’s not much.”
“There’s not much on him. He’s a seventeen-year-old boy.”
I directed a frown his way. I hadn’t hired a private investigator to give me lip.
Cracking the folder, I took a brief look at the three sheets inside. There was a page of the basic facts. Date of birth, home address, etc. Nothing that important, and nothing I couldn’t have found out myself.
The second page was a printed-out instant messaging chat between Jason and someone named Hayden, dated a month earlier. According to the super-secretive conversation, they had plans to hit the mall, and Jason hoped Raven would be there. Again, nothing special.
Then there was a report from school, detailing a few detentions Jason had gotten—all for being late to class or disrupting the learning environment. This late part I probably could have gotten from Lanie, but that was out of the question. We hadn’t spoken since I sent her away from the hospital the evening before. I wanted to see her, but I just didn’t have it in me.
And I certainly wasn’t about to ask her to use her job to gather information for me, the man who could hardly be considered available.
I closed the folder and dropped it on the desk. “That’s all?”
Keith relaxed back into one of the two leather wingback chairs across from me, hands steepled on top of his crossed legs. “Again. He’s seventeen. He’s a bit of a troublemaker. He likes to go skating in parking garages where there are signs saying not to, likes to cut up in class.” He grinned, and I got the sense he was making fun of me.
“You’ve only been on him for a day,” I pointed out. “That’s not enough time to find anything out. However much time you need, I’ll pay for it.”
Keith adjusted his blazer and frowned awfully hard for a man who’d just been offered money. “You talked to his parents?”
“Of course, I talked to his parents,” I scoffed. “They have no interest in removing the wool from their eyes. They think their son is a perfect little angel, a kid who will never be able to do wrong.”
“I’m afraid there’s nothing else to be found out, Mr. Marx.”
My fingers curled into my palms, and I fought the urge to get up and punch the wall. “You got that instant message conversation somehow. You can get more. I don’t need to know how you do it—”
“There is no more to be had. I printed that conversation out because it was the only one that mentioned your daughter. Everything else was about as tame as it comes. Video games. Cars. A little talk about girls, but nothing you wouldn’t expect for a kid that age.”
“And the hospital’s blood work was—”
“The hospital’s blood work was correct,” he cut in, one step ahead of me. “I have a reliable source there. I might be able to get you a copy of the work if you’re willing to wait. It’s not going to tell you anything I’m not already saying, though.”
“Right.” I rapped
my knuckles against my chair’s armrest, an old nervous habit that I’d picked back up in the last couple days. “I’ll take a look at that.”
He raised his hands. “I’ll send it over. Anything else?”
“No.” I looked away as I stood up. “I’ll show you out.”
With Keith gone, I retreated back to my office—the place I’d barely left all day. I’d taken a couple weeks off from work, putting my best employees on the biggest tasks, and cleared my life. If Raven didn’t wake up in the next fourteen days …
No, I reminded myself, sinking into my chair. She’ll wake up.
Pressing my palm to my brow, I closed my eyes and waited for the breath-stealing pain to vanish.
It didn’t.
How many hours had I spent in this office? I’d set up a work zone at home in the hopes that it would bring me closer to Raven, and then I’d realized too late what a foolish idea that was. I’d spent years ignoring the most important thing, the most important person in my life. You’d think I would have gotten my priorities straightened out after Danica’s death, but apparently, I wasn’t that smart.
I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice. Once Raven woke up, I’d give her all the attention she needed and more. Nothing was more important than my daughter. It was time I finally showed her that.
A soft knock on the office door made me drop my hand. “Uh-huh.”
“It’s me,” Karen softly said.
As if it would be anyone but my housekeeper. Despite my pain, I smiled a bit at that. “Come in.”
The door slowly opened, and she peered in. I’d given her the day off, but she showed up anyway. Her husband had come by earlier in the day as well, offering his help in any way he could.
They were both good people. Better than I probably deserved.
“I made some soup,” Karen said. “Chicken noodle.”
“Thanks, but I’m not hungry.”
Karen’s forehead wrinkled in worry. “You didn’t eat any lunch.”
“I’m fine.”
“And you barely had breakfast.”
I started to ask if she was my mother, but I held my tongue. In a way, Karen was just that. My parents lived states away. I hadn’t told them about Raven yet, and I knew why. A part of me felt guilty for keeping her away from them for so long, for only taking her on a handful of trips to see them over the last seventeen years. Raven barely knew her grandparents, and it was all my fault. Danica’s parents had died years ago, so it was only my own family left.
But instead of nurturing the relationship between Raven and her grandfather and grandmother, I’d kept them separated. I’d hired out a woman to clean and cook and act as a stand-in caregiver.
I appreciated Karen a shit ton, but at that moment, her presence was a reminder of yet another thing I’d royally screwed up.
“Andrew,” Karen softly said.
The use of my first name got to me. Karen only dropped the “Mr. Marx” when she was really trying to get a point across.
“You need to keep your strength up,” she said. “For Raven.”
Sighing, I stood. “Right. Soup sounds good.”
A flicker of life coming back to her face, she turned and led the way to the kitchen. Our footsteps echoed in the hallway, the house too quiet. There should have been music playing upstairs, Raven shouting over the railing instead of walking downstairs to just talk to us—an action that had always grated on my nerves but that I now missed so much, it felt like my insides were being wrung like a wet rag.
A dozen times that day, I’d wanted to go into her room just to look at it. A dozen times I’d stopped myself. Moping and moaning would lead nowhere good.
Raven’s not dead. She’s going to wake up.
I made it my mantra as I crossed the living room, a verse I repeated to myself with each step. She would wake up. She had to wake up. Everything would be fine.
After what we’d been through, after losing her mother, after my fucking up and ignoring her for the past ten years, after us finally starting to bond, there was no option but for her to stay with me. Nothing else made sense.
The kitchen smelled of chicken soup and fresh bread, the welcoming scents making my stomach rumble. Settling at the breakfast table, I sat silently while Karen served me.
“I accidentally picked up the unsalted butter,” she said, flitting to the fridge. “Goodness. I’m sorry. I know you like the salted kind. They changed the label on me, and I thought it was the other one. Just all of a sudden.” She set the butter dish on the table and turned right back around. “Now what would you like to drink. There’s iced peppermint tea and lemonade. Oh, but it’s so cold. How about some hot tea? Or I can pour you a whiskey. Or a hot toddy. That sounds nice. It will take a few minutes.”
“Water is fine,” I said, dipping my spoon into the thick soup. An image of the IV in Raven’s arm hit me, and I pushed it away.
Everything reminded me of her. I wanted the thoughts to disappear, and yet, I didn’t want to spend a second thinking about anything else.
“Are you sure?” Karen asked. “Let me make you some tea.”
I attempted a smile. She was dealing with the tragedy by staying busy. No one understood that move better than me. “Right. I’ll have hot tea then.”
“Have you talked to Lanie?” she asked, putting the kettle on. “I hope she’s doing all right.”
I looked back into my soup, my appetite gone. “No. I haven’t.”
Lanie, Lanie, Lanie. While every breath I took was occupied by thoughts of Raven, the spaces in between were taken up by obsessions with Lanie.
I hadn’t meant to hurt her again, and yet, I’d done that anyway. But I didn’t know what else to do. If she stuck with me, I’d only bring her farther down. I possessed enough self-awareness to know I was of no use to anyone in this state.
I’d told her I needed a few days of space, but I didn’t know when I’d be ready to see her again.
Not that I didn’t want to. I craved that woman like a drug, and everything that was happening only made me want her more. To touch her, to breathe her in, to fall asleep next to her and then wake up in her arms, I needed all of that.
But it was a distraction.
What would have happened if the two of us hadn’t gone to the San Juan Islands for the weekend? If, instead, I’d stayed home with Raven? Would this accident not have happened if I’d been more vigilant, a more observant parent? I didn’t even know how long she and Jason had been hanging out or dating or chilling or whatever the hell kids their age called it these days.
I snorted. And to think, I’d thought I was doing so well. I’d believed I was giving Raven everything she needed.
But since she’d made the call to get into a car with a loser such as Jason, apparently that wasn’t the case.
Lanie. Each time I thought of her, a tingle ran up my neck. The last couple weeks before Raven’s accident had been amazing, and I wanted more of that. I wanted Lanie for the rest of my life, but that didn’t mean I could have her.
I needed to get my priorities straight. I’d spent so many years with them all screwed up. I couldn’t afford to fuck around any longer.
Once Raven woke up from that coma, I decided, it was going to be her first and everything else second. It had to be that way.
Yet I still couldn’t shake those curved, full lips, that sweet laugh, the gentle touch, and the warm, brown eyes that had made me come alive.
Chapter 49
Lanie
“So.” Erica settled onto her couch, curled her legs under herself, and looked at me with a dramatic pause.
I raised my eyebrows, waiting.
“What do you want for dinner?”
“That’s what you were gonna ask me?”
“Yeah. It’s Thursday night.”
“I remember.”
“I have that recipe for white bean stew.” She ticked it off on her finger. “And then we could make lasagna.” Another tick. “If we want anything else other than fr
ozen waffles, we’ll have to go to the store.”
“Ugh. The store.” I grabbed the folded blanket hanging from over the back of the armchair and tossed it over my legs. “It’s so cold out there, and the store is so far away.”
“True. A block.”
“Don’t you have some leftover candy from that Halloween party you went to?”
“I don’t want to die.” She pulled her phone from her pocket and started scrolling, eyes on the screen.
“That stuff has, like, enough preservatives to make it last for the next century.”
“I’m ordering pizza,” she announced, clicking away.
“No arguments over here.” Pulling the blanket up to my face, I snuggled deeper into the chair, wishing the cushions would suck me up.
“Do you want some wine?” Erica asked, putting her phone down.
“No, thanks.”
Erica gave me a sympathetic look. “Hey. It’s going to be okay.”
“That’s what everyone says.”
“It’s true.”
“I don’t know that for sure.” I shook my head. “The doctors said she’ll likely wake up, but still, what if she doesn’t?”
“Then you’ll cross that bridge when you get to it.”
Pain filled my chest, and I pulled the blanket all the way up to my nose. “It’s comfy in here.”
“The blanket?” Erica laughed.
“Yeah. Send pizza and ice cream. I live under here from now on.”
Erica ran her hands through her hair and got more comfortable on the couch, stretching her legs across the cushions and looking up at the ceiling. “Have you heard from Andrew at all?”
I grimaced. “No. He told me to get lost.”
“That’s not what he said.”
“You weren’t there.”
“Yeah, but I heard the entire story about two minutes after it happened. He said he needed some time. He didn’t tell you to get lost.”
“I’m worried about him,” I whispered. All week long, my heart had ached so badly, I thought it would crack in two at any moment. Somehow, it persevered and kept right on throbbing. “I’m scared for both of them. If Raven doesn’t come out of this, I don’t know what to do.”