Girl Last Seen

by Brown, Anne Greenwood; Anastasiu, Heather;

  Mary makes a hmpf sound through her nose. I think it might have been a laugh. “Not likely.” But there’s a small smile on her lips. “Thanks though.”

  I scribble my number down on the back of an envelope that’s lying on the kitchen table, then I quickly pluck a large crumb of chocolate chip bar off the plate and pop it in my mouth.

  When we leave, Jude helps me onto his motorcycle, but he doesn’t get on right away. I stare at the house, wondering if Kadence thought out all the ramifications of the little games she played with people’s lives—the games I sometimes played along with her—or if the consequences never really mattered to her at all.

  “I was really proud of you in there,” Jude says, pulling me out of my thoughts.

  “Why?” I ask. I replay the conversation in my mind, but nothing sticks out to me as being particularly valiant.

  “You were sweet to Mary. She needed someone to be sweet to her. I like seeing that side of you again. I thought maybe it was gone forever. I’m glad to be wrong.” He reaches up and pushes a lock of hair behind my ear.

  “You’re really pretty too,” he says, and I can tell he’s surprised himself by saying it out loud. I don’t really know how to respond. “I always thought so,” he adds.

  “Yeah, well…you need to get out more.”

  “I don’t think that’s it.” Then without any real reason, he draws me into his arms. It’s warm there, pressed against his chest, and I think I may never want to leave.

  I slip my hands inside his jacket, laying them against his chest. I scrunch the fabric of his T-shirt in my fingers. My cheek is pressed against his sternum. The tears I kept in at Mary’s house spill over my cheeks. And then. Very quietly. I fall completely and utterly to pieces.

  When was the last time I was this close to someone? I can’t remember allowing myself this kind of vulnerability in all the years I’ve been friends with Kadence. I’ve never noticed before how careful I’d always been, how I’d walked on eggshells, afraid to show any weakness because I knew how Kadence treated the weak.

  With Nathan…with Jude, I remember what it feels like to be loved—not that Jude loves me, but still, that’s what it feels like—to be cared for, not because of what someone wants from me but because of what someone wants to give me.

  I hear Jude take a deep breath, and then he says, “Do you remember what we promised each other?” One of his hands cradles the back of my neck, holding me firmly against him.

  I know what he’s asking. It was September, the fall of seventh grade, a month before Kadence moved to town. We took a class field trip to an apple orchard. We had wandered away from the group. I was so short—even shorter than I am now—and he laughed at me because I could walk under even the lowest branches on the apple trees. I put a rotten apple down his shirt. He fished it out and threw it at me, missing me on purpose.

  I’d never kissed anyone. Neither had he. We were teetering on that awkward line. Not exactly kids anymore, but not knowing what to do with the crazy mess of hormones rushing through our bodies. I could feel the tension, strange and buzzing like a loose power line. Did he feel it too?

  Nathan swung under a branch and found me standing on the other side. Our eyes met. Our faces inches from each other. I remember holding my breath.

  That’s when Joe Rice stepped into view.

  “Well, well, well. If it isn’t pizza face and the midget girl. Wait. What’s going on here? Oh hey, Nathan, is the midget your girrrrrrrlfriend?”

  I was humiliated. Humiliated and heartbroken. I meant to lash out at Joe, but it backfired onto Nathan. “I’m not his girlfriend,” I yelled.

  The look on Nathan’s face ripped my heart in a jagged line. I think about that day every time I eat an apple.

  Jude’s thumb strokes against my hair now. “Do you remember?” he asks. “After Joe left, we promised we’d never be mean like that to anyone. Most of all, we promised we’d never hurt each other.”

  His hands drop to my shoulders, and he takes one step back so he can see my face. “We’ve both broken that promise but, Ren, this is me making good on it. I’m starting fresh with you. I’m letting you start fresh with me.”

  “Thank you,” I say because there is no better way to say it. He pulls me in to his chest again. For a second, I wonder why he’s willing to forgive me. I don’t deserve it, but I don’t ask him to explain himself. I’m too relieved. I feel like I can breathe for the first time all day. I keep expecting him to let go but he doesn’t. I clutch him back.

  I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, the lyrics for my new song flooding my mind again:

  Winged heart,

  you take me by the hand and fly me home.

  To a time and space that I could never find,

  never find, alone.

  Nineteen

  Jude

  Outside Mary Blake’s Residence

  Thursday, April 5

  6:00 p.m.

  Christ, what am I doing? I should let go of Lauren. I feel too much, and there’s no way she’s feeling the same toward me. But her body feels so good pressed against mine, and she’s not pulling away. She smells so good, feels so good. Damn it, I’ve got to get myself under control. This was never part of the plan.

  I force myself to pull away while keeping my face calm. A small crease forms in her forehead. I look away. Don’t let what you’re feeling show on your face, Williams. Don’t you dare. Play it cool or she’ll bolt. Coaching myself only sort of works. I think I’ve got my mask mostly in order, but if she looks close, she’ll see the sheen of nervous sweat over my forehead in spite of the fact that it’s getting chilly out here. Not to mention my heart, which is thumping like a roadrunner sprinting to get free. Christ, I gotta clear my head.

  Out of habit, I pull a smoke from the pocket of my leather jacket and go to light up, but before I can pull the warm blast of nicotine into my lungs, Lauren wrinkles her nose. She grabs the cigarette from my lips and grinds it into the dirt before going to hop on the bike. Not a shocker that she doesn’t think smoking is hot. Lauren isn’t the kind of girl to buy into any of this new cool guy shit. No, she sees me as the kid I used to be. She puts the helmet over her head, but I can still feel her eyes on me.

  I stand there blinking for a second because it hits me then—that that was the guy she let hug her—the boy she used to know. A second ago all I wanted was distance between us, but now I want to rip off her helmet, grab her, make her look into my eyes, and say, see me. I don’t care what you call me—Nathan, Jude, whatever—just see me, like you always did. See the darkness too and don’t be afraid.

  I exhale hard, expelling the last bits of air from my lungs. Because could Lauren look at the real me now and not be disgusted, even scared? She and I have both changed. But the things I’ve done, if she knew…

  I scowl and stride the last two feet to the bike, throwing my leg over. I jam my own helmet on my head. Lauren barely has time to lock her arms around my waist before we pull away from the curb, spinning a few pieces of stray gravel into the air behind us.

  Lauren’s warmth is so sweet at my back. The road spreads out clear in front of us, and in spite of all of the shit that’s wrong, I don’t want this moment to end. I want to drop my hand from the handlebar and grip Lauren’s thigh possessively. I want to wrap her so tight around me and never let her go.

  On impulse, I take a left-hand turn instead of going straight back to Pine Grove. I’ve come out this way before. Whenever I need to get away from the crap in town, I pick a direction and start riding. I take whatever nowhere roads I can find just to get lost for a little while. Being around trees and nature instead of human beings is a necessity sometimes. Makes me feel less homicidal.

  The sun is getting low in the sky now, already turning pink. Lauren has her head laid against my shoulder. I don’t think she’s noticed my detour. At least, she hasn’t asked
where I’m going, not that I’d really hear her between the helmets and the roar of the bike.

  I drive a little farther and then pull a left onto a dirt road that cuts through a thickly forested area. Branches hang low over both sides of the one-lane road. We hit a deep rut and Lauren lifts her head. A second later she’s tapping me on the shoulder. I wave my hand at her to signal that everything’s fine and I know what I’m doing. I speed up a little so she can’t get any ideas of trying to jump off the bike, and like I intended, she wraps both arms around me again. Gotta stay on this train until it stops.

  I hope she’s not too freaked out. That isn’t my intention. Only another minute to go. Finally, I bring the bike to a stop on a secluded stretch of road by a tall pine tree that I always use as a landmark. The tree is still just a baby, nothing like its huge, old-growth ancestors. But one day, maybe. I like to think about that, how it will grow so tall, like they did back before people came and cut them all down. This is the place I want to share with Lauren.

  I plant my feet on the ground while we both take off our helmets.

  “What are you doing? Where are we?” She sounds a little upset and I’m sorry about that.

  I pop the kickstand and turn my head. “Sorry, Ren. Couldn’t talk while we were on the bike. I wanted to show you something special. Remember how we always used to do that? If we found a special place, we’d save it up to show it to the other person?” I’m talking fast but I just want to explain it to her so she’s not afraid of me. Christ that’s the last thing I want.

  “I found this place last summer right when I got back. Since we were nearby, I wanted you to see it. It’s been a rough few days. I figured you needed a little break. A little bit of something beautiful to take your mind off things.” She still looks uncertain. Crap, maybe I’ve done the wrong thing bringing her here. “But look, we can head back to town if you’d rather.”

  The hard look on her face softens. She hesitates for another moment, then gets off the bike. A small smile tips the edges of her mouth and she takes my gloved hand in hers, urging me off the bike too. “A little bit of something beautiful, huh?”

  I grin. I’m suddenly as excited as when I was a kid and she agreed to go on adventures with me. Even if our “adventures” back then were only playing in the woods with my dog, Coco, or collecting aluminum cans so we could turn them in for change to buy little plastic action figures from the quarter machines.

  I get off the bike, not letting go of her hand. I lead her away from the road and into the woods. The brush is thick underfoot, but I glance down and see that Lauren’s wearing winter boots. She follows me with a quizzical smile on her face. She’s got the cutest nose. It’s shaped like a little ski slope and I want to trace my finger down it. Then I want to breathe in her hair. I think that’s what makes her smell so good. Her hair always looks really, really soft too. A rush of feelings washes over me so intensely that it’s all I can do not to start trembling like some goddamn preteen holding a girl’s hand for the first time.

  “Jude, is this private property?” She pauses and looks around with a frown. “Are we going to get in trouble?”

  I blink, coming out of my mini-daydream about her hair. Right. Private property. “Do you really care?” I waggle my eyebrows at her in that way that always used to make her laugh.

  She stops and drops my hand. Her frown deepens. “Considering the whole country thinks I murdered my best friend, it’s probably not the best idea to get brought up on trespassing charges too.”

  “Hey.” I touch her cheek with one of my gloved hands. Wish I didn’t have the glove on. I want to feel her skin. “We’re fine here,” I assure her. “This is all state park land. No trespassing, I promise.”

  Her cheeks are slightly flushed as I grab her hand again and start forward. This time she comes with no hesitation. I like that. We head farther into the woods even though there isn’t a cleared path. I lead the way, pulling branches aside for her.

  “Are you sure you know where you’re going?” she asks as we step over fallen logs and rotted leaves.

  “I told you. I’ve been here before. Not even that long ago. It’s a good place when you need somewhere quiet to think.” What I don’t tell her is the content of those thoughts that filled my journals. Vengeful plans against her and Kadence. Was that really only six months ago? I was so angry back then. Nothing at all like what I feel now walking beside my Ren, her hand so small in mine even with gloves on.

  It feels so good out here. Clean air, clear mind. Healthy. Whole. I can do this. Put the past behind me. Let go of the monster and become a new man.

  “Come on, it’s just a little farther.” I say.

  I lead her down a rocky hill and into a ravine that’s beginning to run with water again. The thin trickle is an offshoot of the larger stream we’re heading toward, but it means we’re going the right direction. I can even hear the rush of water up ahead.

  “Good thing I wore my boots today,” she says, smiling up at me. Unlike all the smiles she’s given me the past couple days, those fake, forced ones—the kind you put on when you’re afraid or when you feel the need to make other people comfortable—this one feels real. This is my old Ren, smiling at me because out here, I’ve made the rest of the world fall away for her. It makes me feel ten feet tall.

  I grin back, afraid if I say anything it will be the wrong thing and I’ll ruin the moment again. I hold back the branch of another pine tree so she can pass. I make an elaborate bow and wave her through saying, “My lady.”

  She smiles even wider, and it’s like we’re twelve again, but even better because we’re both older. She’s almost a woman, and I’m almost a man, and when she looks back over her shoulder to make sure I’ve gotten past the tree okay, there’s something more in her gaze than simple childish happiness. It’s a spark, a sizzle, an awareness. I move up close behind her, my chest all but touching her back, and put my hand on her hip. I whisper over her shoulder. “There. Up ahead.”

  She steps away from me to climb over a fallen tree. She stops and gasps. I grin again and move to stand beside her. The sun is just dropping below the horizon and the stream is wide enough to cause a break in the trees, letting in the purplish-pink light of the setting sun. It illuminates the five-foot waterfall perfectly, making the water splashing at the bottom light up like flashing diamonds.

  “Oh Jude,” she whispers, one hand clutching her chest. With the other she reaches blindly toward mine. I grasp it hard and bring it to my own chest. We stand like that for a long time, watching the sun set on the waterfall. It’s the most peaceful, perfect moment of my entire life.

  That is, until Ren turns toward me, leans up on her tiptoes, and brings her lips to mine. I hardly have time to take a breath.

  Her lips taste like caramel and the barest hint of green tea. It’s the softest touch, and I’m so shocked, so terrified that she’ll pull away any second that I’m all but frozen. Then I come to my senses and start kissing her back, because damn, she could pull away any moment and I can’t bear to miss an instant of it.

  But the gentleness only lasts a few seconds more anyway, because then she pushes me up against a nearby tree and kisses me hard. I don’t know if everything she’s been going through is just bubbling up right now or if it’s really because she likes me, but Christ, I’ve got so much heat in my veins for this girl, I don’t care. I’m sure as hell going to show her that I mean it.

  She’s taken the lead so far, but now I’m the one wrestling for control. I rip off my gloves, needing to have more of my skin on hers. I cup her cheeks in my hands. She’s even softer than I suspected. I wanna freaking groan. I pull back for a second so she’s forced to look into my eyes. She’s panting and wild-eyed and looks like she’s about to say something, maybe about how this is a mistake, but I don’t let her. I crush my lips to hers and flip our bodies so that her back is against the tree.

  And i
t’s not just kissing now. It’s a hunger. On both sides. Not just me. I’ve made out with girls before, at my other school, but it’s never been like this. Nothing like this. Her hands are in my hair, tugging frantically. My other hand slides down the back of her thigh, and I sling her leg around my waist as I pin her against the tree. Oh Christ. Ecstasy is pressing against her body, even with all our clothes on. We continue to kiss in an animal frenzy until she’s frantic and tugging at my jacket and my shirt. I’ve kissed down her neck and to the top of her cleavage before I realize what we’re doing and some semblance of sanity sinks in again.

  “Wait,” I huff out, blinking and trying to get air and a sane thought back in my head. “Ren, wait. We can’t. Not here.” Even though a big part of me is screaming: Shut the hell up! Of course you can! Right here. Naked on the ground. Naked, naked, naked.

  She blinks up at me, looking equally dazed. She looks around us. It’s getting dark now. I have no idea how long we’ve been making out, but I guess the sun’s gone down. She suddenly covers her face in embarrassment. “Oh!”

  I laugh and hug her before she can go into full freak-out mode. “Ren, stop it. It’s fine.” I tug her hands from her face.

  She peeks up at me, her face completely red. “But we just made out like crazy…on government property.”

  “It’s fine, Ren,” I hug her even harder, laughing a little. “Everything’s been crazy.” I take a step back, though it half kills me. I only manage it because it’s the right thing. For her. She still looks embarrassed. I attempt to force my mind off the obsessive repeat that I should be trying to get at least some part of her naked right now.

  “Besides, it’s not like you can resist this.” I open my arms wide. “I mean, not to quote JT and all, but”—I shrug nonchalantly—“I do bring sexy back.”

  I finally get the response I want and she starts to giggle uncontrol­lably. “You…did not,” she gasps between laughter, “just…say that!”