CHAPTER 24
Lydia blinked against the first rays of morning sunlight streaming through her bedroom window. She didn’t want it to be morning. She didn’t want to get up. She wanted to stay in bed but knew she couldn’t. There were bills to pay, and she was the only one in this house with a job.
It had been one week since Josh’s death, and despite the agonizing depression Lydia felt, she’d forced herself to go to the phone shed yesterday and call Edith, letting her know that she planned to return to work today.
A dog howled from a neighboring farm, and June bugs thumped against Lydia’s bedroom window as though calling her to get up.
Drawing in a deep breath and mustering all the strength she could, Lydia pulled herself out of bed and plodded over to the window. Pushing the curtains aside, her gaze came to rest on two furry gray kittens scampering across the lawn as they chased after a butterfly. Across the road, in the neighbor’s pasture, she saw a spindly colt nursing from its mother.
Tears flooded Lydia’s eyes and dribbled onto her cheeks. Josh had loved to play with the kittens and always enjoyed watching the horses. He’d enjoyed anything that involved being outdoors. Were there animals in heaven for Josh to play with? She surely hoped so.
Lydia caught sight of the sign out by the road, a few feet from the entrance of their driveway. It read: WELCOME TO CHARM.
“Welcome, indeed,” she mumbled. “Moving to Charm has brought me nothing but misery.” She bit down on her bottom lip in an effort to hold back the sob rising in her throat, but it was no use—more tears flowed, and she hiccupped on the cry that erupted.
She gripped the edge of the windowsill and tried to compose herself. She had to get control of her emotions if she was going to return to work. If she didn’t start making some money soon, they wouldn’t be able to pay any of their bills, and she couldn’t expect Edith to keep her job open indefinitely.
I can’t keep thinking about the way things might have been if we hadn’t moved to Charm, Lydia told herself as she moved determinedly toward her closet. I must learn to live with things the way they are.
Soon after Lydia left for work, Mae filled a glass with iced tea and went outside to sit on the porch. It was a warm summer day, and the sun felt good on her tired body. But it did nothing to relieve the ache in her soul. She missed Josh’s cheerful smile and felt horrible about all the unkind things she’d said to him when he was alive, even though things had been somewhat better between them before he’d died. She missed Dad, too, and still felt that she’d failed him. Lydia was all she had now, but their relationship continued to be strained, even though Mae had been trying to be supportive.
“It’s probably my fault she doesn’t respond to me now,” she murmured. “I’ve been nothing but critical and demanding ever since Lydia was a little girl. If only I knew what to do to make things better between us. If I could just give her the comfort she needs.”
The clip-clop of horse’s hooves, and the rumble of buggy wheels, drew Mae’s attention to the road. A few seconds later, a horse and buggy turned up the driveway and stopped in front of the hitching rail near the barn. She was surprised when Rueben climbed down, secured the horse, and started for the house.
“Wie geht’s?” he asked, stepping onto the porch.
“I…I’m okay,” she said as she rose to greet him.
He eyed her curiously. “You sure about that?”
Mae shrugged and sighed.
“I just finished shoeing a horse at the next farm over and wondered if there was anything I could do for you here.”
She shook her head.
As he leaned against the porch railing with his arms folded, his piercing blue eyes seemed to bore right through her. “There must be something you need to have done.”
“I can’t think of a thing.” Mae didn’t want Rueben hanging around, because he might start asking her out again. She wasn’t ready for that and didn’t know if she ever would be.
He stepped forward and cradled her shoulders in his strong hands. “I’m your friend, Mae. I really do want to help.”
“I…I don’t need any help.”
“I think you do. I think if nothing else, you need a friend who’ll listen to how you’re feeling right now.” Rueben sounded so sincere, and Mae wondered if he might have an even softer heart than she’d imagined.
“I feel like a failure in so many ways.” She lowered her gaze, unable to look at him because she didn’t want him to see the tears in her eyes.
“No one is a failure who has friends,” he said, lifting her chin with his thumb, so she was forced to look at his face. “A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and sings it back to you when you’ve forgotten the words.”
She held her arms stiff at her sides, unsure of how to respond.
“I’ve seen the way you cared for your daed—always putting his needs ahead of your own. Sometimes we get so busy trying to please someone else that we forget about our own needs.” Rueben pulled her slowly against his chest.
Mae hesitated at first, but finally relaxed and leaned into his embrace, realizing that it felt wonderful and safe. They stood like that for several minutes, until she finally pulled away.
Rueben’s soft, gentle smile filled an empty place in her heart, yet she couldn’t give in to her feelings. “I have some things I must do in the house,” she said abruptly.
“Okay, but I’ll be back to check on you soon. If you need anything between now and then, please leave a message on my answering machine.” Rueben slid one finger down the side of Mae’s cheek; then he turned and sprinted for his buggy.
Mae, feeling quite shaky and very confused, lowered herself into a chair and drew in a deep breath. She sat like that for several minutes, until another horse and buggy rumbled into the yard. It was Sarah Yoder.
“I brought you a loaf of freshly made raisin bread and a casserole,” Sarah said when she stepped onto the porch with a box in her arms. “Shall I put it in the kitchen?”
“That’d be fine. If you’re thirsty, help yourself to something cold to drink. There’s a jug of sweet meadow tea in the refrigerator.”
“All right, I will.” Sarah disappeared into the house and returned a few minutes later with a glass of iced tea.
“It was nice of you to bring the food. We can have the casserole for supper this evening, because I know I won’t feel like cooking, and I’m sure when Lydia gets home from work she won’t be up to it, either.”
Sarah quirked an eyebrow. “Lydia went back to work so soon?”
“Uh-huh. I tried to talk her out of going, but she was determined and insisted that we needed the money.”
“Maybe you should try to find a job.”
“I don’t have the energy to go looking, and even if I did, I’m not sure what kind of work I could do.” Mae released a lingering sigh. “I’ve never had to work outside my home, and I have no real skills other than quilting.”
“I’m concerned about you.” Sarah took Mae’s hand. “You look so verleed.”
“You’re right; I am depressed.”
“That’s understandable. It’s only been a week since Josh’s funeral, and not long before that you lost your daed.”
“I’ll admit, losing them has been very upsetting, but I’m also depressed about the way I treated Josh when he was alive.”
“How’d you treat him?”
Mae drew in a deep breath and released it with a moan. “I was often impatient and never took the time to enjoy him like I should.” She slowly shook her head. “I’m not a good mother to Lydia, either.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Things haven’t been good between me and Lydia for some time, although they’re a little better now, I think. Even so, I blame myself because I’ve been harsh and demanding with her ever since she was a girl.”
Tears welled in Mae’s eyes. “My husband’s gone, my father’s gone, and now my grandson’s gone. I can’t seem to help Lydia deal with her grief, an
d I feel as though she’s pulling further and further from me.” She blinked and swiped at the tears that had fallen onto her cheeks. “I…I feel as though I have nothing left.”
Sarah reached into her purse and handed Mae a tissue. “You have God. And when you feel as if you have nothing left, then you’ll realize that God is enough. You also have your friends.”
Mae blotted the dampness on her cheeks with the tissue and blew her nose. “I…I know I do, and I appreciate that, but I feel so guilty, and I wish I could change the past.”
“No one can change the past, but we can seek forgiveness and go on from there, trying to be a better person.”
Mae nodded. “That’s what I want…to be a better mother to Lydia and try to build a stronger, more loving relationship between us, but it may take some time.”
Sarah wrapped her arms around Mae, and Mae found comfort, just as she had in the hug Rueben had given her.
“I need to go now,” Sarah said, rising from her chair. “But I want to leave you with a verse of scripture that I think might help. Psalm 32, verse 8, says: ‘I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye.’ ”
As Mae watched Sarah walk to her buggy, a sense of peace flooded her soul. If she allowed God to teach her in the way she should go, maybe she’d know how to help Lydia deal with her pain.
“I hope we get served right away,” Selma said to Nona as the two of them crossed the parking lot of Grandma’s Restaurant. “I’m really ausghungert.”
Nona chuckled. “You don’t look starved to me.”
“I am, though. That appointment with the chiropractor took longer than I thought, and it’s way past lunchtime.”
“Well, we’re here now, so let’s see if they have a table for us.” Nona opened the door to the restaurant and stepped in.
They waited a few minutes and were shown to a table in the back of the room near the kitchen. Several minutes went by, and then Lydia showed up at their table.
“I’m surprised to see you here today,” Nona said. “I didn’t think you’d be back at work so soon.”
Lydia gave no reply.
“How are you and your mamm doing? Is there anything you need?”
“We’re fine.” Lydia stared out the window with a strange expression. Nona noticed that her eyes were red-rimmed, and there were dark circles beneath them.
“Isn’t she gonna ask what we want to drink?” Selma whispered to Nona.
Nona pursed her lips. Lydia was sure acting strange. It was probably way too soon for her to have come back to work. She touched Lydia’s arm. “Selma and I would like something to drink.”
Lydia blinked a couple of times. “Wh–what would you like?”
“I’ll have a glass of iced tea,” Nona said.
“I’d like some lemonade.” Selma smiled up at Lydia, but Lydia just turned toward the kitchen without a word.
Ten minutes later, Nona and Selma were still waiting for their beverages, and Lydia hadn’t returned to see what they wanted to eat.
“I’m really hungerich, Mama,” Selma complained.
“I’m getting pretty hungry myself.” Nona glanced around. She hadn’t seen Lydia since she’d left their table and couldn’t figure out what could be taking her so long to bring their beverages.
A short time later, Lydia walked by, carrying a pot of coffee.
“Excuse me,” Nona said, motioning to Lydia, “but we’re still waiting for our beverages.”
“Oh, I forgot.” Lydia hurried off. When she returned, she set a cup of coffee in front of Nona and a glass of milk at Selma’s place.
“That’s not what we ordered,” Selma spoke up.
Nona leaned close to Selma and whispered, “It’s okay. Just drink the milk.”
Lydia started to move away, but Nona touched her arm and said, “Can you please take our orders now?”
“Oh, okay.”
Nona asked for a chef salad, and Selma said she’d like a hamburger.
Lydia walked away without even writing down their orders.
Twenty minutes went by, with no sign of Lydia. Nona was on the verge of asking Lydia’s boss if she knew why their orders hadn’t come yet, when she caught sight of Lydia running into the small room at the back of the restaurant. A few seconds later Lydia appeared, carrying her purse. Without a word or glance in Nona’s direction, Lydia rushed to the front of the restaurant and hurried outside.
“Now that was sure fremm,” Selma said.
“You’re right, it was strange,” Nona agreed. “Lydia hasn’t been acting like herself at all today, and I’m very concerned.”
CHAPTER 25
As Menno Troyer went to open the restaurant door, Lydia came rushing outside and bumped his shoulder. “Are you all right?” he asked.
Without even looking back, she tore across the parking lot as if she was running from a fire. Could something have happened at home that caused her to leave the restaurant in such a hurry? Should he go after her and ask?
His stomach growled. Maybe I should mind my own business and get something to eat. She might have just gotten off work and been anxious to get home.
“I can’t believe Lydia would walk off the job and not tell anyone she was leaving,” Carolyn, one of the waitresses said to Lydia’s boss, Edith.
Menno’s ears perked up, and he moved closer to where the women stood near the front counter.
“Several of the customers complained that she’d taken their orders some time ago but never brought their food.” Edith slowly shook her head. “It’s not like Lydia to do such a thing. I’m wondering if she came back to work too soon. Maybe the pressure of waiting tables during the busy lunch hour was too much for her to handle.”
“If I’d just lost my little boy a week ago, I don’t think I could have returned to work so soon,” Carolyn said.
“Lydia said she needed the money, and since we’re shorthanded right now, I couldn’t say no when she phoned and said she’d like to return to work today.” Edith sighed. “Guess I’ll have to go over to her house this evening and see what’s up. If she can’t work, I may need to find someone to take her place, because now that summer’s here, we’re busier than ever.” She glanced over at Menno, and her cheeks turned pink. “Are—are you waiting for a table, Mr. Troyer?”
He nodded. “I was, but if you’re too busy here, I can get some lunch over at Carpenter’s Café.”
Edith slowly nodded. “We’re shorthanded right now, so if you’re in a hurry, maybe eating somewhere else would be the best idea.”
“Okay, thanks.” Menno turned and went out the door.
As he crossed the street to Keim Lumber, he glanced down the road. There was no sign of Lydia, so he figured she must have made it home already. She’d taken Josh’s death pretty hard and probably shouldn’t have returned to work yet.
Think I’ll head over to her place after I close my shop for the day. I really do need to see how she’s doing.
“I can’t believe I did such a thing.” Lydia blinked at the tears stinging her eyes as she sat at the kitchen table telling Mom how she’d walked off the job. “I…I don’t know what came over me,” she wailed. “We were real busy, and it seemed like everyone wanted something at the same time.” She sniffed and dabbed at the tears that had dribbled onto her cheeks.
“The strain of working was probably too much for you. I think you went back to the restaurant too soon.” Gently, Mom patted Lydia’s back. “You really need to take more time off to rest and deal with your grief.”
“I can’t. We need the money—not just for food, but to pay all the bills that have been mounting up.”
“Maybe I can sell some of the quilts I have tucked away,” Mom said. “That would help with some of our expenses.”
“But it won’t be enough, and you only have a few quilts set aside.”
“I can make more.” Mom sipped her tea. “Of course, that will take some time.”
“With Josh gon
e, I feel so empty inside.” The words caught in Lydia’s throat, and she nearly choked on a sob she couldn’t control. “I feel like I have nothing left.”
“That’s not true. You have me, and we both have God.”
Lydia sniffed and blew her nose on a napkin. “Right now it doesn’t seem like I have God at all. Since Josh died, I haven’t felt God’s presence.”
“Sarah Yoder came by this morning, and she gave me some good advice.”
“What was it?”
“She said that when you feel as if you have nothing left, then you’ll become aware that God is enough.”
Lydia felt a dull throb in the back of her neck as she let Mom’s words roll around in her mind. “I know God should be enough, but I miss Josh so much.”
“I know you do. I thank God that I’ve never lost a child, but when I lost your daed, I had an ache in my heart that I wasn’t sure would ever leave. Every day, I’ve had to remind myself that life goes on and that I must make the best of my situation.” Mom slipped her arm around Lydia’s shoulders. “I know I haven’t been the best mother, and I’m sorry for being so critical and harsh with you over the years. Will you forgive me for that?”
Lydia leaned her head on Mom’s arm and sniffed deeply. “I forgive you.”
Mom and Selma showed up just as Levi had set the ladder in place so he could wash the inside of the store windows.
“It went well at the chiropractor’s today.” Mom motioned to Selma. “Dr. Langley said that if Selma continues to do the exercises he gave her and goes in for regular adjustments, she won’t have so much pain in her back.”
Levi nodded.
“You’re awfully quiet today,” Mom said, touching Levi’s arm.
“It’s hard to talk when you’ve got a sore throat,” he mumbled.
She squinted as she looked up at him. “I didn’t realize you had a sore throat. How long’s this been going on?”
He shrugged. “A couple of days, I guess.”
Deep wrinkles etched her forehead. “And you’ve never mentioned it?”
Lydia's Charm Page 14