No Small Parts

by Ally Blue

  Nat blinked. “I never thought of it like that.”

  “Yeah, well. Sometimes we all need someone else to point out stuff we can’t see about ourselves.” Rafael took both Nat’s hands in his, lacing their fingers together. “I never met your father. But I have to believe he loved you, and wanted you to be happy. You need to believe that too.”

  God, he’s right.

  The grief that had lived in Nat’s skin ever since this nightmare had begun welled inside him. But for the first time, it no longer felt like a ravening monster trying to claw him apart. It had been calmed. Tamed. Thinking of his father’s death would always hurt. But maybe one day, it would fade enough to let him think of the good without the bad and painful overwhelming it.

  For the first time in a long, long while, Nat saw a bright future opening up before him. And he thought his dad would be happy for him.

  “I think I’m ready now.”

  Rafael paused with the refrigerator door open. He’d been waiting to hear Nat say those words for three weeks. Was this too soon? Too late? Rafael had no clue. He’d never lost anyone so close to him before.

  At least he hadn’t pushed Nat one way or the other. After realizing how badly he’d screwed up after the funeral, Rafael had promised to let Nat decide what was best for himself without Rafael trying to impose his own version of “best.” He was shocked and ashamed by how hard that was. Which made him glad he’d decided to try. It made him a better person, and he wanted to be a better person for Nat.

  Grabbing the milk, he pulled it out and shut the door with his elbow. “Okay. We can go today, then. If you’re sure.” He went to the table, studying the thoughtful expression on Nat’s face. “So. You’re sure?”

  Nat’s lips quirked into his usual sharp smile. “Yeah, I’m sure. Suz’s brother called me yesterday and said there was an offer on the house. Which means I need to get off my ass and get Dad’s stuff sorted out.”

  “Oh. Okay.” Rafael poured milk on his oatmeal, then handed the carton to Nat. “Cool that somebody wants to buy the house. What’re they offering?”

  “I didn’t ask.”

  Shocked, Rafael gaped at Nat. “What? Don’t you want to know—”

  “Nope.” Nat pinned him with a wolf-eyed glare that shut him up double quick. “Look, it’s the one and only offer I’ve gotten so far. I’m not looking to make money. It’s not like I owe anything on the house. Mom and Dad got it before Abby and me were even born. And let’s face facts here: it’s in bad shape, in a bad neighborhood. If there’s anybody at all out there willing to take it off my hands, I’m damn lucky.”

  He was right. Still, Rafael wanted to argue, on general principle. “Whoever buys it will be a few doors down from Ari Valentine. You could probably get more money for that, if you marketed it that way.”

  Nat rolled his eyes. “Look, I like Ari. He’s okay. But I’m not gonna try to dig for more profit because this place is close to his. His glorious presence hasn’t exactly improved the neighborhood, you know.”

  Grinning, Rafael spooned brown sugar into his oatmeal. “Be careful. People might figure out that you’re a nice guy.”

  “Heaven forbid.” Nat arched one fair eyebrow as he sipped his coffee. He reached across the table, taking Rafael’s free hand in his. “Thanks for being so patient with me. I know I haven’t been easy to live with.”

  That was so far from true, Rafael almost laughed. He stifled it, since Nat might’ve misunderstood.

  “Not even a little bit.” Rafael squeezed Nat’s fingers. “We’re both off today, so we can take all the time you need.”

  Nat’s throat worked. He went back to his breakfast with a nod and a swift, grateful smile. “How’s Solari?”

  Rafael sighed. She and Gina had broken up a few days ago. Official word was that the decision had been mutual, but Rafael knew Solari had been the one to break it off. Gina had kept quiet in public, though she’d sent Solari plenty of texts—first pleading, then angry—since Solari wouldn’t answer her calls after the first one had erupted into name-calling. Publicly, Solari had met the challenge like the class act she was: her head held high and her smile bright as ever. She responded graciously to messages of support online, and ignored the inevitable insults and outright threats, telling fans and haters alike that she was fine, thanks very much. But privately, she was devastated, even though she’d initiated the split. As she’d said to Rafael, you didn’t love someone for that long, through so many trials, and walk away from it without pain.

  “She’s holding up.” Rafael spooned hot cereal into his mouth and swallowed. “But it’s been pretty tough on her. I’m worried about her.”

  “Because you worry about everybody you love. That’s how you roll.” Nat gazed at him with a soft smile and shining eyes, thumb caressing the back of his hand. “She’s got us for friends. We’ll make sure she doesn’t have to face this shit by herself.”

  “Absolutely.” Rafael watched the heat flare in Nat’s eyes for the first time in weeks, and felt an answering fire in his gut. “I’m gonna take a shower before we head out. Want to join me?”

  The mischievous twist of Nat’s lips pulled at Rafael’s heart like a hook. “You bet your sweet ass, Hollywood.”

  A couple of hours later, Nat stood on the sagging front steps of the house where he’d grown up, clutching Rafael’s hand hard and trying to talk his feet into walking that last little distance to the door.

  It was a lot harder than he’d figured on.

  Rafael moved in front of him, partially blocking his view of the shabby old place. “You don’t have to, Nat. There’s no rush.”

  Nat studied Rafael’s sweet, serious, concerned face, and fell a little bit more in love with him. “There is, though. The more I think about it, the more I realize I want this house out of my life. I want it sold so I can move on. The fire damage is as fixed as I can afford, and there’s a solid offer on the table. I need to clear out Dad’s stuff. And mine, for that matter; most of my junk’s still here. It’s about time I ripped off the Band-Aid and did it already.”

  “Yeah, I see your point. But I don’t want you to feel like you’re being pushed into something you’re not really ready for.”

  “I know. But I’m not being pushed. I’m as ready as I’m ever gonna be.” Smiling, Nat trailed his fingertips over Rafael’s cheek and down over the faint marks on his throat, evidence of that morning’s shower romp. “Besides, if I get sad, you can comfort me. With your dick.”

  Rafael let out a startled laugh. “Hey, whatever makes you happy.”

  “Your dick makes me pretty happy.” Rafael laughed again, cheeks flushing deep pink, and Nat had to pull him close for a kiss. “You make me happy. That’s why I can do this. Any of it. ’Cause of you.”

  Rafael’s lips curved against Nat’s. “You’re selling yourself short. But thank you anyway.”

  A door squeaked across the street. Nat drew back reluctantly. Some of his neighbors were okay, but others could get nasty in their bigotry. He didn’t want to find out the hard way which one was stepping outside right now.

  Time to stop avoiding the job, Wolfman. Squaring his shoulders, Nat pulled his keys out of his pocket, climbed the front steps, and opened the door.

  Between the two of them, they got everything cleared out in about five hours. Nat was surprised. He could’ve sworn he and his dad had more stuff than that.

  Rafael duct-taped a box of clothes shut and set it next to the others beside the front door. “Okay. That’s the last one, I think.”

  “Yeah. I already put all the stuff I’m actually keeping in your trunk. It’s not that much.” Nat planted both hands on the small of his back and stretched. “I guess we’ll load all this into my truck and I’ll take it to the shelter or something.”

  “Good idea.” Rafael patted the back of the ancient sofa. “What d’you want to do with this furniture?”

  “Leave it. The new owners can keep it, sell it, or dump it. I don’t care.”

&nbs
p; Rafael’s eyebrows went up. “Really?”

  “Yeah, really.”

  The truth of that surprised Nat, but he meant it. With his father gone, he found that neither the house nor anything in it held any sentimental value for him. He’d kept his own things and a few personal items of his dad’s that reminded him of the old days, when his father had been well and whole, but that was it. Everything else was nothing but a burden, and he wanted the objects gone, along with the memories that clung to them.

  They’d loaded all the stuff in Nat’s truck and were making one final sweep through the house—to make sure Nat didn’t leave behind anything he actually needed, or so he told himself—when Rafael let out a sharp gasp. “Oh my God.”

  Frowning, Nat turned to face Rafael, who was staring wide-eyed at his phone. “What’s wrong?” A terrible thought struck him. He grasped Rafael’s shoulders. “Shit, are your parents all right?” Rafael adored his family. If anything had happened to them . . .

  “They’re fine. It’s not that.” Rafael lifted his head, shock stamped all over his face. “We have an email from SpectreVision. They contacted us about Inside.”

  Nat gaped. He wasn’t in the same class of movie buff as Rafael, but he wasn’t entirely ignorant either. He’d heard of the indie production company behind one of the few vampire films—other than Nosferatu—that he’d ever had any use for. “What? Why? Are they backing us?” The Kickstarter for Inside had gathered a respectable number of backers during the time it had been up, but it wasn’t fully funded yet, and Rafael had started to get nervous that they wouldn’t make the goal. This could put them over the top in a big way.

  “No.”

  Okay. “Well, then . . .?” Nat circled both hands in the universal get on with it already gesture.

  A wide smile spread over Rafael’s face, like sunshine breaking through clouds. “They want Inside.”

  Nat blinked. “What? What do you mean, they want it?”

  “I mean, they want to buy it, produce it. Make a movie of it.”

  “They . . . they want . . .” The idea started to sink in. Nat stared at Rafael. “Okay, well, then, would you and me . . .”

  “Would I direct, and would you star?” Rafael nodded, dark eyes shining. “Yeah. They said they want to hire me as the director, and you as the lead actor. They said it’s clear from the sample footage that the film needs us both.”

  “Oh.” The world wobbled. Nat clung to Rafael for support. “Oh shit. This is really happening.” He gripped Rafael’s shoulders again. “It is, right? I mean, you did say yes, right?”

  “Well, I haven’t had a chance to answer yet, but c’mon, of course I’m saying yes.”

  For a second, they stood there, staring at each other in silence. Then Nat whooped, Rafael laughed, and they threw their arms around each other, jumping up and down in Nat’s living room like a couple of kids.

  In fact, Nat felt like a kid, his joy wild and unfettered in a way it hadn’t been in longer than he could remember.

  His grief hadn’t gone away. It was waiting for him, lurking like an unwelcome guest, ready to grab him and drag him down when he wasn’t looking. But that was okay. He had a good life now. A job he loved, a man he loved, a future to look forward to. He could mourn for his father—both the man he’d been, and all the lost opportunities he represented—without letting his grief drown him.

  When he’d settled down enough, Rafael dug his fingers into their usual spot in Nat’s hair and peered up at him with a strange, vulnerable expression. “Well. I guess since we’ve got ourselves a production company, we’d better get busy working out the details for our movie.”

  “Definitely.” Nat tilted his head to kiss away the uncertainty in Rafael’s eyes. “It’s okay to be happy about this.”

  “Yeah, I mean, I know, but . . .” Rafael shrugged, embarrassment written all over him. “You just lost your dad. It feels weird to be so excited about this right now.”

  “It’s not weird. This is awesome news. Of course you’re excited. So am I.” Nat gave Rafael’s butt a double-handed grope, because he could. “After everything that’s happened lately, I like having something to celebrate.”

  “Good. I’m glad.” Rafael smiled, so bright it stole Nat’s breath. “Hey, let’s go out. You want to?”

  “You buying?”

  Rafael laughed. “Yep. You ready now, or do you need more time?”

  “I’m ready.”

  With one more tug on Nat’s hair, Rafael let him go and led the way outside. Nat paused on the threshold, studying the place that had been his home for so long, through good times and bad. Leaving this house felt like finishing a book you both hated and loved; one you’d wanted to throw at the wall a few times, but ultimately valued for its flaws as much as its beauties. Now, it was time to pass it into different hands and start a new one.

  Smiling, Nat locked the door on his past and followed Rafael into their future.

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  Ally Blue is acknowledged by the world at large (or at least by her heroes, who tend to suffer a lot) as the Popess of Gay Angst. She has a great big suggestively shaped hat and rides in a bullet-proof Plexiglas bubble in Christmas parades. Her harem of manwhores does double duty as bodyguards and inspirational entertainment. Her favorite band is Radiohead, her favorite color is lime green and her favorite way to waste a perfectly good Saturday is to watch all three extended-version LOTR movies in a row. Her ultimate dream is to one day ditch the evil day job and support the family on manlove alone. She is not a hippie or a brain surgeon, no matter what her kids’ friends say.

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