He was focused and purposeful on his drive and stopped only when the need to consume gas and expel urine could not be ignored. He arrived in the non-descript Town of Bechel before the sun had even risen for the day. The night shift would still be working. The Mall provides a sense of euphoria for most people even though they’re everywhere. For Michael, he only noticed how much he didn’t seem to notice anymore. The only euphoric feeling that he needed would come from people. It seemed to him in his half conscious drunken state that it only come from one person. Soon after meandering through the food court area, he saw the old, overweight, completely unattractive object of his desire. She was not majestic at all in her grey work-suit emptying out the trash.
“Hey there pretty lady, remember me?” asked Michael.
“Are you here to mop up the trash water?” Asked Darline.
“ I get enough of that in my small corner of the world. I want to talk to you after your shift. I know that it’s tough to stick around after working but I’ll buy you breakfast.” “Aren’t you from some far off place? Why are you here at this terrible hour?”
“ I’ve just traveled a long distance just to see you and pick your brain over an egg maple jalapeño jack cheese, sausage, biscuit and gravy breakfast sandwich.”
“Well I can always go for one of those.”
“What brings you back to these parts so soon?” Asked Darline in between bites of her goopy breakfast sandwich which was smeared all over her face.
“Actually, I just came to see you. My thoughts are in a bad place and I want to talk to you about your uncle and why you stopped looking for anything in the world”
“Son, I think that you’ve got yourself some problems and you should probably see some type of doctor of the mind. I don’t know that I can help with the problems that you’ve got but I’ll tell you about my uncle.” Her mess of a sandwich was almost done with so Michael knew that he had to be quick. She looked at the security guards that seemed to be in all directions from their table and wiped her mouth. “You know the food is lovely here but I think we should continue this back at my place,” said Darline looking again at the security. Michael was taken aback as he did not want her to have the wrong impression. “This is not the right environment if you want to learn about the world,” she said. He followed her to her apartment.
When they walked into her place, Michael couldn’t believe it. It was a mirror image of his place.
“How can you afford to live her on your own? I live with my girlfriend and we can’t afford it.”
“That’s a silly question. I can’t afford it, that’s not how things work. You should have that figured out by this point in your life. Do you know anyone who’s not in the Debt?” “There are plenty of people not in the Debt, that’s the whole goal,” said Michael.
“Do you know any of these people? Have you ever know anyone not in the Debt? I’d be willing to bet that you only know of people. Friends of friends who have nice houses and no worries. It gives you something to shoot for, to keep going. But you know what the reality is? I think deep down you do. I think that you really know that you will never get there. You’ll just work that dead end job until you die. So why pay it off? You have to pay off a little of course but you might as well not worry about it and enjoy what you’ve got.”
“What do I have?” Asked Michael.
“You’ve got what everyone has. You’ve got security. Maybe, it just comes at a price that you’re no longer willing to pay,” said Darline.
“Maybe, maybe, maybe,” said Michael. “So tell me about your uncle.”
“Well he was almost a legend or some type of TV Character when I was a little girl. I wouldn’t look at him that way now. Do you have anyone in your life like that? Someone form your childhood that you idolized but is not here anymore?”
She had hit a nerve for Michael. He didn’t want to dwell on it or let her see it in his face. “I want to know about your uncle.”
“Well, everyone always talked about him in that distant way you know? It’s kind of how you talk about a stranger or someone you don’t know very well. Our family operated on a system of polite distance. Anyways, he got the bug and he had it bad. He would up and go to the other side of the world for a while and disappear but he would always come back. Each time he was back around, he was a little more distant.”
“What was his name again?”
“ Eric. My brothers always called him weird uncle Eric or crazy uncle Eric.”
“Well what happened to him to inspire you to leave your family?”
“Well Eric was gone for years. He decided to leave for good when I was about 14 years old. He was staying with my family to see us all for the last time. He knew that I was always so interested in the places that he had been and it was our secret that this time, he was not coming back. He would tell me in private where the food comes from. Do you know what a Cornish cross chicken is?”
“Um, I can’t say that I do. I’m not a farmer,” said Michael.
“I know that, but that’s what my uncle used to call all of us. He would say; look at that big old Cornish Cross, when he saw a fat person trying to lumber out of their car.”
“I don’t get it,” said Michael.
“Well there used to be all these types of chickens in the world. Smart ones, ugly ones, small ones, but now there is only the one type.”
“Why?” Asked Michael.
“Well, a Cornish Cross chicken has been bred over time to grow big and fat. They long ago lost their interest in moving so they just sit in one place their whole lives. Sweetie, they eat and shit in the same place. They get big and fat right away and then they die. They have no other purpose in life but to be killed so something else can eat them. You sir, have been a Cornish Cross your whole life even if you didn’t know it.”
“Oh, I think I know it. I think deep down I’ve always known it. So what happened with your uncle?”
“Well, the night before he left on his trip, he told me about the history of the world that I didn’t really learn in school. You and I have lived a life far away from wars but it didn’t always used to be that way. There was a time where the world was a series of wars…one after the other. It was always our country and another country and our country always ended up winning. The people here didn’t really care. There was always a war and no one seemed to give it much attention after a while.”
“I don’t understand,” said Michael.
“Well I didn’t understand so much myself at the time he was telling me but he wanted me to know that the world used to be different when you went to different places but now everywhere was a part of our country in some way. The rest of the world started to exist only to produce the things that we covet so much.”
“You’re pretty knowledgeable for someone who picks up the trash at the food court. Did you actually believe what your uncle was saying? Do you believe any of that now? It sounds like conspiracy theory craziness to me… fat chickens, what the hell is that?” “Well you don’t have to like it but change happens when you’re not paying attention. My uncle wanted to let me know about what life was like and what it could be like but he had a fatal flaw that I almost had myself. Life is not how the world could be but how it is.” “I don’t know what that means,” said Michael.
“ Well, my uncle traveled all around and as time went on, far away countries would become just like this. There was no escaping it but he didn’t want to believe it. The night before he left he told me about a place far away that was sovereign from the world that you and I know. He left and I never saw him again.”
“So I guess he found that place and he’s still there.”
“ Well years later, like I told you before, I went out on my own. I was cutting out my own path and even though I didn’t know it at the time, he was a big part of it. Anyhow, my mom called me on my cell phone and told me that crazy uncle Eric had moved back in with them. They were a little worried about him but all seemed like it was going to work out wh
en he got a job in the Mall at the frozen yogurt stand. I was here in Bechel and decided this was as good of a place as any to set up roots.”
“But you told me that you never saw your uncle again.”
“That’s true. My folks must have told him what I was up to but he never wanted to talk to me in the short time that he lived there. One day after a long day at the frozen yogurt stand, he had an accident in the tub and died.”
“What kind of accident did he have?”
“I guess he wanted some toast when taking a bath because he electrocuted himself with the toaster.”
“Oh… well I’m sorry.”
“Sweetie whenever I talk a about this, I get very tired. I’m turning in. You can stay as long as you like, the couch has your name on it. If I don’t see you leave, please remember that you can always call me to talk about your journey. Just one thing though… I’m not going to tell you what to do but I do want to ask you why do you want to see more than what the world has presented to you. Did your mother tell you about a better world than the one you see? Was it your father?” Michael stood staring at her not knowing what to say. She was hitting a nerve that he didn’t know he had.
“ It was the food, it was making me sick.”
“Did your mother used to give you real food when you were a child?” Asked Darline. “No we had the same stuff as everyone else.”
“Did you see beautiful places on a trip?”
“We never went on any trips. My mother… she did what she could. Nothing in my childhood was really anything… special.”
“What about your father?” “I really don’t want to talk about this anymore,” said Michael.
“It’s making you tired isn’t it? It makes me tired too. Sweetie, when I was a little girl, I watched a lot of movies and television. I wanted nothing more than for life to be like it was portrayed in the movies. I think that’s where some of my unrest came from. The real world was always a bit of a let down. I think it was true of Uncle Eric as well. I just want you to think about all this in your times of confusion.”
“You said talking about this makes you tired. When do you talk about this?” Asked Michael.
“Never… goodnight.”
I remember then how tired I was of the endless road. It seemed like I had been driving forever on that second trip. My life might end driving on this road. A person gets weary after a while. Everything becomes hazy. I remember thinking about those chickens that lived only to get fat and die for some other beings. I remember my mother telling me; “You are what you eat.” There is a lot of time to think about things like that on the endless road. What Darline told me rocked me to the core. The uncertainty that I felt then is still there deep down, but I can’t let myself believe it. There is somewhere to go to, there is somewhere to grow. I won’t be married to the life of good enough that dulls and numbs everyone I know. If that makes me the villain for the world, then I accept. I’m not going to live and die in the same spot and the place I need must exist.
Driving back from Darline’s to my predictable little life was unbearable. There was nothing in me that could put up with small talk and meaningless pursuits anymore. I remember wanting something to go to so badly that wasn’t the only thing I’ve ever known. All that was waiting for me was my place in the chicken coup. Maybe if I could explain that to someone I could at least be understood for my crimes. Forgiveness might be just as much a fantasy as the movies and television that make the time bearable. I’m convinced now as was crazy uncle Eric that this all happened slowly when we were not paying attention to it. It’s hard to imagine us all being just fine with having our humanity taken away one piece at a time. It was a slow methodical move to our current state of the infinitely slow. I remember on that drive back, feeling like I had deserted Darline and left her in her prison cell. There will be no prison for me or what I’ve brought into the world now. It seems that it’s either eradicate or assimilate. The world can’t have someone like me in it and someone like me can’t accept what Darline has. I think that’s right… everything becomes hazy.
Darline is going to be a part of my past just like the rest of them. The past or the people who didn’t have the courage to follow their convictions can’t taint the new life that awaits me. That’s their problem and their sin. Their punishment is the world of endless pleasures at their fingertips 24 hours a day. That’s not for me, not anymore. My punishment is never far from me, and my sins… my god, my sins. Am I any better than the man chasing me? When did I become so morally righteous? It might be one of the side effects of divorcing yourself from the world. My whole life I had been hearing that freedom came at a high price. Mine came at the cost of lives, including my own life toiling away the hours until the grave. I did those people a favor. I’m the hero of this story and the world is the delusional villain. That’s the price of freedom.
Chapter 5
Michael sluggishly and drunkenly pushed open the door to his apartment. He was too drunk at the time to remember that there is nothing noisier than a drunken person trying to be quiet. He was desperately trying not to wake Sarah so he could be awake alone. Fortunately for him, she hadn’t fallen asleep in front of the television that night. He peeked around the corner expecting to see her huddled mass asleep on the bed. Relief washed over Michael when he saw no one in the room or anywhere in the apartment. He walked over to the television and unplugged it. After relieving himself of the booze that got him through the long journey back to North Atrophy, he walked over to the fridge and praised himself for stalking up with the beer that would get him through this night. He sat on the couch and drank beer after beer looking at his reflection in the unplugged television.
“I know who I am… where am I?” He thought walking through the bright green grass. The haze made it almost impossible to see but he could sense there were hills of lush green all around him. He could make out that he was on a hill with different tiers. He was in the middle of some large structure. “This feels familiar, I know where I am… who am I?” He walked forward into the haze he could barely see through. He was surrounded by old gravestones and outdated televisions stets. “Were these always here? Have I always been here? The grass is so green.” Lower down on the hill he was walking on, he could make out a pinkish pile in front of one of the broken television sets. It was confusion when he approached the pile. He was just as curious and horrified to see that it was a pile of human ears and fingers. “I know this isn’t right but these are supposed to be here. I know it’s not right. I know that I’m right. I know who I am, I know where I am.”
Michael woke up in a place he was used to waking up in. He was still in a haze and a little drunk. The only difference was that the television did not need to be turned off. He still had the rest of the day to himself. Sarah’s absence should have been disturbing. There was no call; no note but there was most certainly a message. The message was that there was a problem. Michael was in no mood for a problem. The world of possibilities, adventure and happiness that was portrayed in movies seemed to have evaporated. All that remained was the weight of accepting that there was really nowhere to escape to. It would be a life of the sidelines and consuming anything that would take attention away. Today’s consumption was easy enough. He went to the liquor store and got the next weeks’ supply of attention dulling salvation.
He was still in a blur while sitting on the toilet in his favorite dank bathroom in the bowels of the Mall. “Fuck you kitty”, said Michael to the cat poster on the wall as he threw a can of air aerosol air freshener at it. He walked out of the bathroom to see a very stern looking boss.
“I’ve said this before but what kind of man gets himself all set up right at the beginning of a shift?” Said Thom.
“Hey I can’t control what my body wants to do.” Michael seemed to be joking but inside he was horrified that his last refuge of peace in the Mall was being infringed upon.
“M.C., it’s my job to make sure that my crew is professional and taking care of bu
siness. I don’t want any incidents. So I want you to tell me especially since you’re already late. Are you ready to work today?”
“Yes”, said Michael who almost hiccoughed in his reply.
“You’re with Quinn for rounds in the southeast corridor. I’m only going to say this once son. There are plenty of people in the Debt who would love a second job. Be great-full for what you have.”
“Yes sir, I’ll get to Quinn.” Even in his drunken/hung-over state Michael was terrified of losing his job. The Debt would crush everyone. It did not discriminate.
On his way past his colleagues, Michael caught one unusual glance after another. He could see the judgment in their eyes. The glances conveyed the animalistic reaction to someone who was “not well”. Their eyes told him that he was different and they were afraid of different. He also heard snippets of gossiping conversations. The words and phrases sank into him: “cheater” “gone crazy” “loser”. Mostly the words and glances had little impact. He felt detached from these people in any event. There was however one phrase uttered that made him hang his head even in his drunken state: “Self-Righteous.” It was almost a relief to be in the stream of humanity and consumerism that was the Mall corridor… almost.
When he met with Quinn he thought about something that he hadn’t considered before. Quinn was the closest thing to a best friend that he had. At a casual glance it seemed that they were so alike. Michael didn’t really like Quinn all that much. It was similar to the way that he didn’t really like Sarah. They only had casual things to talk about. It was all meaningless. Quinn was there to just pass the time and could probably have been replaced by any other one of the team members or so Michael thought. On this drunken morning, Michael was convinced that his relationship with Quinn had been merely a façade of a true friendship since it’s inception.
Mall Land Page 5