Mall Land

by Jonathan Hurley

  “I’ll cut your tongue out so you can say it,” said the man. He walked away from the grave into the fog. It was dark now and the night made it hard to see. He could feel that the green grass was gone. The ground was cold and hard. He stopped and curled into a ball.

  “I’ll just wait it out. It will be over soon.” All he could see was fog. All he could hear was white noise like muzak.

  Michael awoke to sunlight streaming through the room. He was surprised that he didn’t sleep right into night but he felt much better. When he left his room he was shocked to see the same man working the desk. He only must have slept a few hours.

  “Hey there sleepy beauty,” said the cheerful man at the desk. Michael actually liked the man and was not overstating it regarding his faith in humanity. Some depth might have been able to be reached with the man but the situation would not allow. “Well between you and me I’m happy you paid for both nights,” said the man.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well we tried to wake you up but you were asleep like the dead.”

  “Are you saying that I slept through the night?”

  “We knocked on the door and called but you were not having any of it. Sorry but it was like trying to turn on a TV that was unplugged. We had to check to make sure you were still breathing.”

  “I don’t believe it. Listen to me, was there any man who came by looking for someone?” “No sir, the only strange thing is that there is someone in a car in the parking lot there. They’ve been there for hours but haven’t come inside.”

  “Fuck!” Exclaimed Michael. The man at the counter regretted letting him stay and was starting to get nervous about the situation.

  “Sir,’ I would like you to please check out now. I don’t want to get involved in any mess.”

  Michael gave him back the key, which seemed as dull as the wallpaper. “Pal, I have the feeling that the rest of your life is going to be painfully safe from here on out… unbearably safe.”

  Michael left the motel out the back door and hid so the person in the car couldn’t see him. After a while the very average car left and Michael sprung into action knowing the he needed to get rid of his car. Michael went back into the motel.

  “I don’t know a lot pal but one thing that I know for certain is that life is not fair. You can still lead a safe life after tonight but right now, you’re going to have to give me the keys to your car. I’ll even trade you my car and you can file a police report, collect on the insurance, whatever. I’m sorry pal but I have no choice,” said Michael to the increasingly nervous man.

  “I never should have let you stay here.”

  “I’m sorry to say that you’re right.”

  “I’m… I’m not giving you my keys. I have a gun behind the desk here. Please just leave before I call the security officers.”

  Michael ran to the man, pulled him over the desk and began hitting him over the head. It was the type of move that is seen in the movies when someone receives a blow to the head and passes out almost as if they were taking a nap. This was nothing like the movie. The small man was crying and pleading with Michael to stop. He felt like a part of him died when some of the poor man’s teeth broke out. It was pure horror and physical domination. Michael was crying like he used to when he was a child. He could barely breath when the man finally went limp. He got the keys from the mans pocket, jumped the counter to find the aforementioned gun and broke the camera overlooking the desk. There were cleaning people coming to the scene and screaming. Michael ran to the parking lot. He thought he saw the man stirring a little as he left… maybe, maybe, maybe.

  He found the man’s car after hastily trying to open some of the other cars. Time had become an unbearable weight and Michael could hardly take the tension of the looming law any more. He drove from the motel sure that he was just seconds before the screaming sirens of the law. “Maybe they should catch me. I’ll be a great sacrifice to the Gods of normalcy.” He was starving and alone. Next to him on the passenger seat was the gun and his cell phone, which began to ring from an unknown number. Michael didn’t answer and continued to drive down the road crying and hoping he would wake up from his nightmare.

  Living with yourself and living with others is what I’ve been thinking about. We as a people let the gift of the world go to waste. I’m reminded of it with every mile. But I believe in this new world. I remember as a kid someone once told me that it wasn’t the place itself but the friends that you had there that made it great or not. That must be true since every place is the same. If I make it there, how will I live people again? When I make it there, I will forgive myself for what I had to do. I have to believe that human beings can live free of the rot of corruption. I have to believe that people can do something for more than to just please their immediate superior. There has to be more to work for. There has to be more to live for than this road that I need to end. The terrible things that I’ve done at least I did them searching for something more. What about these hunter killers? What about these security officers? They thrive and to serve and hurt. I see it in their eyes, the love to be in power over others and we pay them for it. Maybe we like it too. How did it ever get to where we gave up our freedom to feel safe? Living with others has to be possible by not needing the man with the gun to keep things in line. I could be friends with people who had ideas like that. Living with myself means believing that I did what I had to and that I can change. If things are only what they are then… then where am I going? I can have new thoughts. I can grow a new skin. I can see new things. I can’t stand this road anymore. I know that I’m close! Part of me thinks that it’s just a matter of how much I can go before I just stop and let him catch up with me… . before I let it all catch up with me. I have to be close. I could have been friends with the people I hurt but the world would not let me. I’ll have to live with it for a while but I won’t take it with me to the new world. I’m getting close I can feel it. If I can’t live with myself, then I’ll just become someone new. I’m not asking for too much. I will never go on this road again. I promise I will be content.

  Chapter 7

  Michael’s feelings of guilt and fear started to subside with each passing hour on the road. His phone began to ring incessantly with an unknown number. He thought that they must know that he wouldn’t answer his phone. He wouldn’t be so mindless as to give away his position. He did wonder why they hadn’t called sooner. He had more than enough alone time by now and was desperate to reach out to someone. He needed to tell someone what he was going through even if they didn’t understand it. He knew it was risky and that they might trace the call but it had grown from a desire to a need. His heart almost skipped when she picked up the phone.

  “Well hello there sweetie. I didn’t expect to hear from you,” said Darline.

  “Well I was a little afraid to call. It’s a big risk for me in the state I’m in. I just need to talk to someone. I’ve been on the road for longer than I want to think about. I need to talk to someone who’s been out in the world.”

  “So you’re off traveling, huh? Well a part of me is envious of what you’re doing. But that’s a young persons game,” she said.

  “Envious? I’m in hell and I don’t know how to get out. Have you heard anything on the news about me? Do you have any information?”

  “Well I don’t watch too much news these days; I don’t see much of a point. Are you in some kind of trouble?” she asked in a casually polite way. There was a pause in their conversation as Michael considered if he really wanted to bring her into his world or if he could trust her not to call the security officers.

  “Darline I recently had to hurt someone who was nice to me and helped me. I had no choice. Life has not been fair to me.”

  “Who said life was fair? I’ve been all around and I might not know much but I know life isn’t fair. But you already know that,” said Darline seeming to take interest. “You just have to decide if you’re ready to accept it or not.”

  “I’
ve left the world behind. If I have to go to another country to find a place without the Mall or the Debt, I will. I’ll travel to the end of the earth.”

  “I used to sound like that. I stopped about the time I could hear myself sounding like a broken record. I don’t mean to sound mean. I want you to find what you’re looking for. I want you to find happiness. I want you to let go of your anger. It will eat you up inside,” said Darline.

  “Is that what you did? Did you just justify the world so that you could stop looking? Is that happiness? Are you happy?”

  “Yes I am,” she said affirmatively.

  “I don’t believe that. If that’s the case… what are you… what are you living for?” “Sweetie, do you know that I feel like all you and I have ever talked about is this dark and heavy stuff. You’ve got to relax and enjoy yourself. Besides, if you really look at it… if you really want to dig down deep… I think that you’ll find what is really driving you. Didn’t you tell me that you have a girlfriend? What you’re going through must be killing her.”

  “I don’t have a girlfriend anymore. I don’t have anything anymore. You know what though? I never really had anything. I just had the illusion of things. I guess that’s what I don’t get. You know that you have the illusion of things and nothing of any real substance and you’re OK with it. I don’t get it. How do you connect with people? Don’t you crave talking about something real? Don’t you want to be part of something real?”

  “I’m usually tired after work and want to take a nap. Don’t you pass judgment on me. I’m happy, you’re the one who’s got the problem.”

  “You’re happy? You’re really happy? I think you’re happy the way that I’m happy when I’m drunk. It’s not real happiness… but you’re right. I don’t want to pass any judgment. I don’t want to fight with you; I don’t want to fight anymore. I think the only thing I could do to have the happiness that you have is to bury my feelings and forget all about them.”

  “You’re just going to have to get happy enough and be OK with it. Listen my show is about to start, so I’m going to have to go soon.”

  “Well I just want you to know that to me you’re a special person in my life. You need to know that. For whatever it means to you… you changed things for me and I can’t go back. I don’t want to go back. I just don’t want you to numb yourself because you’re so special.”

  “Are you still drinking Sweetie?” Asked Darline with a half interest.

  “I haven’t thought about it but I have not been drinking recently.”

  “Well I hope you have a nice trip. I have to go, we’ll talk soon.”

  “Thanks… goodbye.”

  Michael put the phone back down on the passenger seat and pulled off the interstate into a gas station. He filled up and bought some maps. He would need to take back roads and get off the interstate after the phone call. He knew they could always trace calls. They did it in the movies. It was better for Michael not to think about Darline and the things left behind. He was hopeful about the possibility of meeting people in the small towns. It was better to think of possibilities. He knew that he needed someone other than Darline. He couldn’t call on anyone from his past. The law would be with them already. He needed new people. He’d have to pull back his intense feelings for a while and get better at the small talk. It would be less suspicious that way anyhow.

  “Why hadn’t anyone tried to get a hold of me? Where are the important people in my life?” He could hear the muzak being pumped from the gas station speakers. Just then, his phone began to ring again from the unavailable number.

  As he drove down the smaller road off the interstate, his mind wandered to memories of an ideal childhood in a setting similar to the one he was in. It wasn’t his own childhood but the idealized form in television and movies. It was always very far away from anywhere he had seen. It was a great deviation to be drawn into that world of frivolous problems where everyone looked perfect and there seemed to be no mention of what was looming over people’s lives in the real world. The ever-present Debt was always waiting back in the real world. There was little development on Michaels’ current road but he figured it likely lead to another Mall. Michael supposed that it would one day be filled with fast food stands, chain supermarkets and all the other Mall extensions. The population just didn’t merit it right now. In the movies, population was never a problem. There was always plenty of space for the stars. He and Sarah would often spend night together on the couch watching romantic comedies. They always knew what the ending would be right at the beginning of the story. Whatever conflict the characters were going through was just a caricature of real problems. The stars only played caricatures of real people. The real lot was dulled and boring. No one was interested in watching a movie about shopping on the weekends and filling up the hours with television.

  So many things in Michael’s world worked as long as you didn’t think about it too much. The barren road seemed to inspire Michael’s mind to consider all of these things. Soon enough he realized what it was. He had never really been in space before. Space was always filled with an advertisement of some type. He didn’t want to turn on the radio or have his concentration in any way interrupted. His whole life, he was bombarded with the great distraction. He didn’t know it but for all those years, he was just festering. The hills in the distance were beautiful and would probably go totally unnoticed to those that go down this road, or so he presumed. Michael decided to deviate from his almost constant negative thoughts of the world and embrace this dose of reality. He made a pledge being fully aware that his life might be ending soon. “I will not take the beauty of the world for granted. I will see what others can’t. I will love what other’s wont,” he said to no one in particular.

  Soon enough, the world began to look as he had always seen it. He was approaching a town that was just a smaller version of North Atrophy. In the movie theater parking lot he saw a carnival set up. His thoughts turned to the practical when he came back into society. He needed to get rid of the car and swap it for another one. The carnival would be the perfect place. A pang of fear overcame him when he drove into the parking lot past the security officers. It wouldn’t be the easiest thing in the world to get someone’s car. In the movies they always hot-wired cars. In reality, he had no idea. After parking, he looked at the Ferris wheel and the cotton candy that people had with a feeling of envy. They were all so happy with their merry-go-round and popcorn. He used to love going to things like this when he was a little boy. Everything about this day seemed like something out of his childhood, like he was walking through a memory. He decided that he needed to smell the flowers a little and even though money was running out. He took his gun and his phone and he went into the carnival.

  He almost felt relaxed seeing kids playing carelessly. He wanted to feel that childhood feeling again. The grass was lush and green. It was familiar. He tried not to make eye contact with anyone. It was a natural impulse that he didn’t think about. After some time, he thought his picture might be broadcast on the news even here. His euphoric feeling didn’t last long as he knew that he had to get down to the business of getting a car but didn’t really know how. He walked by the cotton candy machine and couldn’t resist. He loved it as a child. His mother let him have some when they were at a carnival and Michael was fighting with his brother. They went there to have a day to feel good. He remembered his mother smiling for the first time since becoming a widow. It made him feel good then to take his mind of off real life. He decided to wait in line to get some cotton candy. It was important to feel good. He wondered when the last time he felt really good was.

  The man who served him the overflowing stick of pink sugar was the picture of friendliness. He was an older black man and he looked right at Michael with a big smile on his face. It warmed him so much to see that light in the mans eyes that Michael’s own teeth were bared in an innocent grin. He wondered when the last time he smiled for real was. As he was about to pay the sound of a mother
yelling at one of her two kids caught his attention and he turned to the side.

  The cotton candy was in his hand when the bullet ripped through the face of the smiling man. People were screaming. They began to panic and run. Michael crouched down on the other side of the cotton candy machine. He was terrified as one bullet after another pelted his temporary cover. He peeked out from the side and could see the man in black running through the crowd to get a better shot. Michael fired at the man and saw a teenaged girl fall on the ground. “Did I just shoot that girl?” He thought though the panic. The scene was chaos as the mass of people ran into the parking lot to drive away. Michael joined the fearful herd.

  He heard the shots and saw people falling around him. He caught his breath behind a car. He couldn’t believe that this mad man was shooting blindly into the crowd. He looked over the back of the car and saw the mother with her two kids desperately running for safety. He screamed wordlessly at the top of his lungs when a bullet ripped her hand in half. She fell to the ground looking at the mangled appendage. She screamed and thrashed around like an animal caught in a trap. Her kids were frozen watching the horror. Michael felt ill seeing her fingers on the ground. He couldn’t take that image any longer and he ran with everything he had back to the parking lot. The bullets continued to ping off of other cars around him. The man in black knew exactly where he was. He saw an elderly man getting into a car, the key in the ignition. Michael pulled him from the drivers seat. He could feel the shame as he did it but he had little choice. The man tried to protest but Michael forcefully pushed him to the muddy ground. He yelped out in pain as Michael drove frantically around the other cars to an open road.

  “Just keep going. Just keep driving. Just keep going no matter what. No one said life is fair.”

  The day turned to night as it always does. Michael was driving hard and fast away from the scene. He had no idea where he was going. He couldn’t bear to turn on the radio. He drove in frightened silence. He swerved and lost control for a moment when his phone rung. It was of course the same unavailable number. At first he didn’t answer and thought about throwing the phone out the window. As the silence of the road at wore on, the phone kept ringing. He didn’t understand his compulsion but felt a deep understanding that at some point he would have to answer that call. His instincts… his nature, seemed to be telling him that it was only a matter of time before he answered. “It’s all just a matter of fucking time”, he said to no one in particular. He picked up the phone.