The Mince Pie Mix-Up

by Jennifer Joyce

  ‘He should be the one cooking for you for a change,’ Scott said as they headed away from the fruit and veg. ‘It’s you who does everything for us, Mum. He should be helping out more.’

  ‘And he will.’ Calvin picked up the first packet of meat that caught his eye: beef, already diced. Perfect. ‘After Christmas. It’s just that everything’s a bit messed up at the moment.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘You do?’ Calvin placed the packet of beef in the basket and turned to his son. Scott was looking down at the floor, scuffing his school shoes back and forth. Calvin thought he and Judy had done a pretty good job of covering up the mix-up but maybe not.

  ‘You’re going to get divorced, aren’t you?’

  ‘Divorced?’ Calvin was relieved their cover wasn’t blown, but his relief rapidly morphed into horror. ‘We’re not getting divorced. What makes you think that?’

  Scott looked up, his eyes slightly pink around the edges. ‘Everything. You’ve been arguing loads lately and I saw you sleeping on the sofa this morning. How long have you been sleeping separately?’

  ‘We haven’t, mate. Not really. That was a one-off because your dad’s snoring was too loud. Which is completely out of character, obviously.’ Calvin placed an arm around his son’s shoulders and it took a good three and a half seconds before Scott shrugged him off. He must be feeling rotten to have allowed such lengthy contact.

  ‘Jack said it could have been because of your drinking,’ Scott mumbled. ‘He said you could have passed out drunk last night.’

  ‘Excuse me? My drinking?’

  ‘I know, Mum. I have eyes and I’m not a little kid like Charlie.’ Scott’s eyes were wide and bewildered but he attempted to straighten his back so he could stand tall. ‘Is it because Dad’s making you so miserable? Drink isn’t the answer, you know.’

  Calvin laughed. He couldn’t help it.

  ‘It isn’t funny, Mum. We learned about alcoholism in PSHE. I think you need help.’

  ‘Oh, mate.’ Calvin ruffled Scott’s hair. ‘I don’t have a drinking problem.’

  Scott folded his arms across his chest and gave a firm nod of his head. ‘The signs are all there, Mum.’

  ‘Signs? What signs?’ Calvin started up the aisle again. They didn’t have much time left and he still needed to grab a bottle of wine. But maybe he should skip that now and pick one up from the village when Scott wasn’t looking … Like an actual alcoholic.

  ‘Sneaking off to the beer tent at the lights switch-on, right before you started work,’ Scott said as he scuttled after Calvin. ‘Walking around the village in your pyjamas and passing out on the sofa.’

  ‘I told you that was because of your dad’s snoring.’

  ‘And I’ve seen you drinking Dad’s whiskey in the evenings,’ Scott continued as though Calvin hadn’t spoken. ‘When you thought I was in bed.’

  ‘Oh. That.’ Calvin had raided the whiskey a few evenings, but that was because he was stuck at home sewing nativity costumes. The booze helped to numb both his boredom and the pain of stabbing himself with needles and pins several thousand times. ‘Scott, having a glass or two of whiskey every now and then doesn’t make you an alcoholic. I don’t have a drinking problem, I promise you.’ They’d reached the wines and spirits aisle but Calvin ignored the bottles of wines and continued on to the checkout instead. ‘And your dad and I aren’t getting a divorce. I can’t believe you thought that.’

  ‘Why wouldn’t I?’ Scott helped to load the food onto the conveyor belt. ‘You’ve been acting so weird lately, and I don’t just mean the arguing. Dad’s started to get more interested in us, like he’s trying to get us on side.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Calvin paid for the food and they grabbed a bag each.

  ‘He’s started to ask about school and homework and stuff.’

  ‘Your dad’s always been interested in that kind of thing.’

  Scott gave Calvin another alien-species look. ‘No he hasn’t. Not even a little bit.’

  The kid may have a point. But only a teeny one. ‘What else?’ Calvin checked his watch and increased his speed towards the bus stop.

  ‘He listens to my songs now,’ Scott said. ‘He’s given me a really cool idea for a song that I’m going to write.’

  ‘Oh.’ It seemed Calvin had some making up to do, and not just with his wife.

  ‘You’re different too,’ Scott said. ‘Less shout-y.’

  ‘Am I?’ At least Calvin was doing something right.

  ‘Yeah. It’s like you’ve stopped caring or something.’ Scott’s voice was quiet, barely audible over the increasing noise of the traffic as they neared the main road.

  ‘Huh? How does less shouting mean I don’t care?’

  Scott shrugged his shoulders. ‘It’s like my room. You told me to tidy it the other day.’

  ‘Yes …’ Calvin remembered. The bedroom was pretty disgusting and still was. Calvin doubted Scott had tidied anything in there.

  ‘I didn’t tidy it.’ See? ‘Usually you’d have gone on and on and on about it until I actually tidied it but you haven’t said a word about it since. It’s like you don’t care that my room looks like the apocalypse happened three times over. Plus, you haven’t nagged about my homework for the past week, you forgot to wash my PE kit and, don’t get mad when I say this, but your cooking has gone downhill too. I used to like sausages; now I never want to see one ever again.’

  ‘Hey, I made burgers and chips the other day.’ Calvin was pretending to be offended but he couldn’t keep the amusement from his voice. The boy had a point.

  ‘Those were burgers? I thought you’d given us bits of old leather to eat.’ Scott grinned as Calvin ruffled his hair again.

  ‘They were a bit overdone.’

  ‘A bit?’ Scott laughed but his grin dimmed suddenly. ‘I’ll help out more, if it’ll help. I don’t want you and Dad to split up like Jack’s mum and dad.’

  ‘Is that why you offered to walk Miller this morning?’ Calvin and Scott had reached the bus stop. There was a bus trundling towards them. If the traffic was kind, they could make it just in time for Charlie.

  ‘It’s not fair that you have to do everything,’ Scott said, which only made Calvin feel like an even bigger jerk. If his thirteen-year-old son could see that, why had it taken a supernatural body-swap for Calvin to realise it?

  ‘Helping out a bit more would be brilliant, especially after Christmas. You’re growing up and you could take a bit more responsibility for yourself. But the same can be said for your dad. Things are a little bit strained at the minute, what with Christmas and some of your dad’s work things, but I promise things are going to change – for the better.’

  The bus arrived and the two boarded.

  ‘So you’re not splitting up?’ Scott asked once they were seated.

  Calvin shook his head. ‘No. Absolutely not.’

  Chapter Twenty:

  Good News/Bad News

  Calvin and Scott pegged it through the village, the shopping bags swinging into their legs in their haste. Most of the children had already left but there were a few stragglers as the pair raced into the playground.

  ‘Sorry we’re late,’ Calvin wheezed as he reached the main entrance. Miss Daniels was standing with a tearful Charlie. Calvin checked his watch and couldn’t help feeling his daughter was being a tad overdramatic. It wasn’t as though they’d left Charlie at school overnight – they were less than ten minutes late.

  ‘I’m sorry, sweetie.’ Calvin crouched down and took Charlie’s delicate hand in his. Her lip trembled but she didn’t say anything.

  ‘I’m afraid there’s been a bit of an incident,’ Miss Daniels said.

  Calvin rose to his feet. Not another one!

  ‘Tabitha Frost is having a pamper party tomorrow and she’s invited all the girls in our class except me.’ Charlie threw herself at Calvin, wrapping her arms around his waist as she began to sob

  ‘Playground politics,’ Miss Daniels said wi
th a tut. ‘I noticed there was a bit of tension between you and Mrs Frost at the PTA meeting the other day.’

  ‘But that’s nothing to do with Charlie.’ Calvin stroked his daughter’s hair, feeling like a complete bastard.

  ‘These things are rarely about the children,’ Miss Daniels said. She passed Charlie a clean handkerchief from her pocket. ‘Cheer up, poppet. It’s going to be Christmas soon. Are you coming to the Christmas fair on Sunday? Santa’s going to be there.’

  Charlie nodded with a sniff. ‘Mummy’s making the cakes.’

  ‘Maybe you can help,’ Miss Daniels suggested. ‘Wouldn’t that be nice?’

  Charlie nodded. ‘I still want to go to the pamper party and be a princess, though.’

  ‘We can have a pamper party of our own,’ Calvin suggested. ‘We’ll get all my make-up out and we can watch a Disney DVD.’

  ‘Frozen?’ Charlie asked, prising herself away from Calvin’s thigh.

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘And can we have cupcakes? Tabitha’s having cupcakes.’

  ‘It wouldn’t be a princess pamper party without cupcakes.’

  ‘And ice cream?’

  ‘We’ll see.’

  ‘And chocolate.’

  ‘Charlie,’ Calvin warned. They’d be eating the entire contents of the village sweet shop if Charlie had her way.

  ‘You have a nice Christmas, Charlie.’ Miss Daniels, seeing the situation was now firmly in the parents’ hands, was backing away towards the door. She had two dozen boxes of chocolates and four bottles of wine waiting for her in the classroom as Christmas gifts from the children. ‘And I’ll see you in the New Year.’

  ‘Bye, Miss Daniels.’ Charlie gave a wave before slipping her hand into Calvin’s, her tears forgotten now she had a party of her own to look forward to.

  Judy was drained by the time she dragged her body through the front door that evening. The adrenaline of winning over Francesco Benvenuti had long ago worn off, leaving nothing but an exhausted shell behind. She wanted to slip into a hot bubble bath and forget all about project management apps until Monday morning.

  ‘Is that you, Judy?’

  Slipping off her coat and shoes and abandoning them in the hall, Judy forced her legs to carry her into the kitchen where she found her husband.

  ‘No, it’s Calvin,’ she hissed.

  Calvin grinned at her. ‘It’s okay. The kids aren’t here.’

  ‘Where are they?’

  Calvin handed Judy a pre-prepared glass of wine. ‘They’re at Laura’s. She’s going to babysit for us. She’s having them overnight.’ Calvin was almost giddy with the freedom.

  ‘But why?’

  ‘Why?’ Calvin scoffed. ‘So that we can spend some quality time together. We need to start making more time for each other, Judy. Starting now.’ Calvin indicated the oven. ‘There’s a beef casserole in there – which I’ve made from scratch, thanks to our good pal the internet. We’re going to sit down and chat while we eat without having to worry about bickering children or homework. The food won’t be ready for another hour, so go and have a soak in the bath while you wait.’

  Judy allowed herself to be guided out of the kitchen and towards the stairs. She wasn’t going to argue with a soak in the bath followed by a home-cooked meal. With her glass of wine still in hand, Judy headed to the bathroom, almost dropping the glass in shock when she realised the towel was no longer stuffed in the corner of the room. It had disappeared completely and was now hopefully sitting in the laundry basket.

  Miracles did happen after all.

  After soaking away the work week in the bath, Judy returned to the kitchen in a pair of Calvin’s loose jogging bottoms and a gorgeously roomy jumper. She was definitely investing in some loungewear once the wish had worn off.

  ‘This smells lovely,’ Judy said as Calvin placed a dish of steaming casserole in front of her. ‘I’m impressed.’

  ‘Me too.’ Calvin tasted the dish and was pleasantly surprised that it was edible. ‘Who knew I could cook?’

  ‘Not me. Maybe you can do this sort of thing more often.’

  ‘I will, I promise. Maybe I could take up cooking duties at the weekend?’

  Judy nodded. ‘That would be good.’

  ‘And I’m going to help out more around the house and with the kids. I haven’t been fair dumping all the responsibility onto you. I know you work hard too. I have the blisters on my feet to prove it. Although …’

  Judy narrowed her eyes, waiting for the usual you-don’t-work-as-hard-as-me spiel. ‘Although what?’

  Calvin pulled a face. ‘Although you may not have a job to go to on Monday. I sort of had a run-in with Norman. The dirty old git pinched my arse and I flew off the handle. I may have threatened to break his fingers or something.’

  ‘What?’ Judy’s mouth gaped open. She’d been worried all week about losing Calvin’s job and he’d put hers in jeopardy. ‘What did Enid say?’

  ‘She made me go home early.’

  Judy closed her eyes. What were they going to do without her wage? ‘Did she say anything about my job?’

  Calvin shook his head. ‘I’ll make things right with Enid first thing Monday morning.’

  ‘You’ll have to grovel. Beg, plead, whatever it takes.’

  Calvin nodded. ‘I will.’

  ‘And apologise to Norman.’

  ‘Do I have to?’ Apologising to Enid was one thing; apologising to the old geezer was another. He may not have gone about it the right way, but Calvin still felt he had been right to tell Norman to back off. Nobody deserved to be mauled while they were simply doing their job.

  ‘If it means you get my job back, then yes.’

  ‘Okay, I’ll do it.’ Calvin popped a piece of beef into his mouth, closing his eyes to savour the taste. It was tender and full of flavour and the dish hadn’t been that difficult to create. Maybe he’d try chicken next time or attempt some sort of pasta dish.

  ‘Aren’t you going to ask how the meeting with Francesco went?’ Judy asked.

  Calvin’s eyes pinged open. His stomach tightened uncomfortably. ‘How did it go?’

  Judy grinned at her husband. ‘It went fantastically. There have been some tweaks to the campaign here and there but Francesco was impressed. Perry was impressed.’

  ‘Wow.’ Calvin couldn’t disguise the wonder on his face. Perry had never been impressed with anybody as far as Calvin was aware. ‘That’s brilliant. I should have had more faith in you.’

  ‘I don’t know about that,’ Judy said with a shrug. ‘Sarah helped me out a lot. And speaking of Sarah …’ Now it was Judy’s turn to pull a face. ‘I think she may have developed a crush on me. Or rather you. She kissed me. You. Us, I guess.’

  ‘She kissed you?’ Calvin covered his mouth with his hand. Talk about awkward! ‘What did you do?’

  ‘I tried to let her down gently. She’s just been dumped so she was already feeling vulnerable. But she ran away and I haven’t seen her since.’

  ‘Oh, God. What are we going to do?’

  ‘Hopefully it will all blow over,’ Judy said. ‘And if not, good luck, because I won’t have to deal with it after Christmas.’ Judy giggled but stopped abruptly when she caught Calvin’s stony expression. ‘Not funny. I’m sorry. I’ll try and sort it out on Monday.’

  ‘Please do.’ Calvin popped another piece of beef into his mouth. Man, he was good. ‘While we’re talking bad news, I have some more.’

  Judy took a fortifying sip of wine. ‘Go on.’

  ‘I got called into Scott’s school to talk to Mr Peebles this afternoon.’ Both Calvin and Judy pulled a face. ‘Scott’s in trouble for fighting with Jack.’

  ‘Jack? But why?’

  ‘He says it’s about football but I think it’s more to do with us. He thinks we’re getting divorced because we’ve been acting weird and arguing a lot. I’ve had a word with him and reassured him that we’re not splitting up.’

  ‘Did he believe you?’

 
; ‘I hope so,’ Calvin said. ‘But that’s not all.’

  ‘There’s more bad news?’ Judy was going to need some more wine.

  ‘I’ve sort of tangled you up in a playground rivalry with Abby Frost.’ Calvin told Judy about the pamper party and Charlie’s exclusion.

  ‘Poor Charlie,’ Judy said. ‘But this isn’t your fault, Calvin. Abby Frost has needed taking down a peg or two for ages.’

  ‘I’m afraid it’s us who have been taken down a couple of pegs. And Charlie.’

  Judy sighed. ‘People like her always come out on top.’

  Apart from the delivery of bad news, Judy and Calvin enjoyed their meal together and they didn’t want to interrupt the renewed sense of coupledom so soon, but Judy was due to meet the lads at the pub.

  ‘I could always give it a miss,’ Judy said, somewhat reluctantly. She found that she quite enjoyed an evening in the pub – even if she was in the company of a group of men who thought burping the alphabet was hilarious. It was good to get out of the house for an evening and unwind after a stressful day in the office.

  ‘Or I could come with you,’ Calvin suggested. Not only was Calvin enjoying the company of his wife, he was also itching to catch up with the lads. Reliving their banter second-hand through Judy just wasn’t the same.

  ‘Is that allowed?’ Judy had never been invited to one of Calvin’s Friday nights out with the lads and she hadn’t seen the wives or partners of the others either.

  ‘Allowed?’ Calvin laughed. ‘It’s a pub, Judy. Anybody is allowed.’

  ‘Then why haven’t I been invited before?’

  Calvin pulled a sheepish face. ‘Let’s not go there, eh? Let’s start afresh and enjoy a night out together.’

  Judy nodded. Onwards and upwards and all that. ‘I’ll just need to go and get changed.’ Judy pulled at the baggy jumper she’d pulled on earlier but Calvin shook his head and passed her a jacket.

  ‘It’s the pub, Judy. We don’t care about that sort of thing. As long as you don’t turn up in your undies, you’ll be fine.’