Dogism

by Mark Anthony

  We made it to the daycare center, and I signed LL in for the day. LL’s teacher was married, and although she was about ten years older than me, she had it going on. I was always thoughtful enough to let her know it. His teacher would always smile and laugh whenever I flirted with her. She also would warn me that she was gonna tell Nicole, but I knew she was just playing. See, the way I figured it, my flirting was definitely healthy for both of us in the sense that the attention that LL’s teacher got from me had to be flattering being that I’m a younger man and all. She is probably very much in love with her husband, so I knew that nothing would come of my flirtatious ways. And for me, it was healthy because it allowed me a good way to keep my game sharp. I was never rude or obnoxious to LL’s teacher, so to me it was always a harmless and playful thing.

  After I dropped LL off, I attempted to make my way to my car so I could head to work. Notice that I said I attempted to make my way to my car. When I walked out of the daycare center, I noticed Scarlet del Rio leaning against the driver’s side of my car. She had her butt pressed up against the glass, and her arms were folded in a defiant, confrontational manner.

  She was the last person I expected to see. Even though my heart dropped to my stomach when I saw her, I calmly prepared myself to walk across the street to my car and confront Scarlet. But I knew I had to play things cool in order to diffuse any possible violence on Scarlet’s part.

  “Well, isn’t this a pleasant surprise?” I said as I leaned and kissed Scarlet on her right cheek as she continued to stand with her arms folded across her chest, displaying all kinds of attitude.

  “Lance, don’t come at me like that,” Scarlet barked.

  Oh boy, here we go, I thought.

  “Come at you like what?” I asked.

  “Like everything is cool between us, you all kissing me on my cheek and talking about ‘isn’t this a pleasant surprise?’ yet your ass don’t know how to call nobody.”

  As Scarlet began to raise her voice I didn’t want her causing a scene because I didn’t know who was around, and the last thing I needed was someone at LL’s daycare center calling Nicole and telling her about the huge confrontation that her husband and some beautiful, voluptuous Brazilian woman had in front of the building.

  “Scarlet, go to the other side of my car and get in so that we can talk,” I said as I pressed the button on the remote to my car’s alarm.

  “I don’t feel like sitting in your car. Why can’t we talk out here in the open?”

  “Because, Scarlet, you’re causing a scene. Now either get in the car or I’m outta here. I don’t need this.”

  “Oh, you don’t need this? And I suppose you think I do need this. I don’t need this either, and I don’t deserve to be treated the way you’ve been treating me.”

  As I brushed Scarlet out of the way in order to attempt to open the driver’s door of my car, she started flippin’ out. She began screaming and started attacking me like she’d lost her mind.

  “Don’t you put your hands on me. Who the hell do you think you are?” Scarlet yelled as she started throwing a series of right hooks to my head. She wasn’t exactly a small woman who couldn’t hold her own in a street fight. She was a heavy-handed momma who was originally from Harlem and could practically hit like a dude. So needless to say, I was feeling every punch she threw, not to mention her accuracy was right on point as each blow landed flush in my face, head, and neck.

  “Scarlet, get in the car,” I screamed. “Are you crazy or something?”

  “Lance, you’re gonna talk to me, and you damn sure are gonna apologize for putting your hands on me.”

  Although I knew that I had not put my hands on her, I had merely bumped into or brushed her body as I attempted to open my car door, I simply wanted to put water on this fire ASAP because people had begun to take notice of the two of us.

  “Okay. Okay. I’m sorry for putting my hands on you. Now please calm down. We can talk, but let’s just do it like civilized people. So please, just go to the other side of the car and get in, and we’ll talk about whatever it is that you want to talk about.”

  Scarlet was breathing a little heavy from the anger that had built up inside of her. She didn’t respond verbally to me; she simply pulled down the tight, skimpy, short-sleeve shirt that she was wearing, which had managed to ride up a bit and expose her stomach. The shirt actually looked like it could fit my twelve-year-old cousin, but that was beside the point.

  As Scarlet got into my car, she made a point to slam the door as hard as she could.

  “Come on, Scarlet. It doesn’t take all of that,” I said in a raised voice.

  “Lance, you are so wrong. How could you be so cold? It’s like I might as well have fallen off the face of the earth because you just completely cut me off, and I don’t think that’s fair because I haven’t even done anything to you. I’m always leaving messages on your cell phone and paging you, and you never return any of my calls. Lance, I don’t deserve to be treated like that.”

  “Baby, first of all, calm down. Both of us need to just calm the hell down. I mean, it’s way too early in the morning for all of this. Like I said when I first saw you, it is a pleasant surprise to see you, but what isn’t pleasant is all of the yelling and screaming and punching. Don’t you know that you don’t hit like the average woman?” I asked in a joking manner as I took hold of Scarlet’s hand and gently pulled her closer toward me.

  As we hugged, the smell of her Donna Karan perfume turned me on like crazy.

  “See, doesn’t this feel good?” I asked.

  “Lance, of course it feels good. And that’s why I’m so hurt. I don’t get to touch you, kiss you, feel you, talk to you, and you seem like you don’t even wanna give me none anymore.”

  I moved my mouth close to Scarlet’s, and after our lips were perfectly aligned, I began tonguing her down. She was acting like an animal that had been caged up for weeks and was ready to go on a sexual rampage.

  As I kissed her, I managed to slip my hand in her pants and get her even more turned on. I didn’t know where things would lead, so I wanted to quickly move from in front of LL’s daycare center. Even though I had dark tinted windows, I still didn’t want to take a chance of freaking Scarlet right in front of the daycare center.

  “Baby, I want you so bad,” Scarlet moaned.

  “I want you too,” I replied, “but we just can’t do it right here in front of the building.”

  So as Scarlet sat up in her seat and adjusted her pants, I started up the car and drove around the block. Before I could find a real good secluded spot to park, Scarlet had unzipped my pants, had my privates in her mouth, and was getting busy.

  See, I had genuinely wanted to sit and talk things over with Scarlet, but apparently she had other plans, and I wasn’t about to interrupt her. I simply sat back, closed my eyes, and enjoyed every minute of the early-morning surprise blow job.

  When she was done, swallowing and all, and asked me if I enjoyed it, she wiped her mouth, looked at me, and said, “Lance, don’t just shut me out of your life like that.”

  Now what was I supposed to say? I didn’t really want her feeling like a cheap two-dollar hoe, and I didn’t even feel that she was. I had strong feelings for her—I mean she was still wifey—but I just had to stop seeing her and being with her. Five years was way too long, and I had to hold my ground.

  But like an idiot I replied, “Scarlet, I’m not gonna shut you out, and you know that.”

  “You promise?”

  “Yeah, I promise.”

  Scarlet attempted to move closer in order to start kissing me again, but I wasn’t trying to have that. She had just gone down on me, and I didn’t wanna be tasting all of that, even if it was mine.

  “Baby, I gotta bounce. I’m gonna be late for work,” I quickly blurted out in order to avoid her tongue landing in my mouth.

  “Lance, forget that job. I keep telling you that I make enough money to support us. You don’t even have to be busting your
ass every day the way you do. Just play your cards right with me.”

  “Yeah, I know. That offer always sounds tempting, but . . . I don’t know.... See, Scarlet, why do you do this to me? I gotta hurry up, but I promise you that we’ll speak. I’m gonna call you, and we’ll hook up. I promise. But you just have to promise me that you’re not gonna be popping up and flippin’ out on me like you did today. That’s what scares me about you. I mean how do I know that you’re not gonna do that when Nicole’s around?”

  “Lance, you know that I wouldn’t do that to you. I mean I accept the fact that you’re with Nicole. She’s number one to you, and I know that. But I damn sure am gonna be number two, you better believe that. And as long as I don’t see you with some other chick, you don’t have to worry about me. Just keep me happy and satisfied.”

  My head instantly began spinning from Scarlet’s twisted logic.

  “Okay, Scarlet, I hear you. But trust me, there is no other number two, a’ight?”

  “Okay. I trust you, but I’m just putting you on notice. I know you gotta hurry up and go to work, so just drive me to my car around the block.”

  I quickly circled the block and made it to Scarlet’s pimped-out black Mercedes Benz S600.

  As she got out of my car, she kissed me on the lips and said, “I better hear from you.”

  “You will. Don’t worry,” I said as I watched her walk to her car with her 36-24-48 measurements. “Damn! Look at that,” I said to myself as I shook my head and lustfully stared at Scarlet’s body.

  I quickly gathered myself and rushed off to work. I knew I would have to think of something in order to get Scarlet del Rio completely out of my life. But then again, I thought, I could really be a hoe and stay with Scarlet and Nicole and still try to bag Toni all at the same time.

  I knew it would take a lot of hard work, but I didn’t have too many other options. Otherwise Scarlet was bound to throw all kinds of monkey wrenches into the whole program that I had planned for Toni. My head was spinning from the pressure, so I told myself to just keep Scarlet completely blocked out of my mind until I could think of a good enough plan.

  “Yeah, Lance. Just forget what you just told Scarlet. Keep things the way they’ve been for the past three months. Don’t call her, don’t see her or anything. Just block her out.”

  I tried to take my mind completely off Scarlet as I wondered if there was any plausible excuse that I could muster up to see Toni later on during the day. I drove myself crazy trying to think of something. Finally I realized that it was Monday, and in New York City, most beauty salons are closed. As I continued to drive to work, I thought that during the day, while I was on my route, I would drive past the beauty parlor just to make sure that the shop was definitely closed.

  By the time one o’clock in the afternoon pulled in, I decided to make good on my promise. I drove past the shop, and everything held true to form. The shop indeed was closed. Inside, I kind of felt real empty. It was like I had built up all this excitement and anticipation of possibly seeing Toni, but with the shop closed, I felt like a deflated balloon. For the remainder of the workday, I had the most dejected feelings running throughout my body. I couldn’t even concentrate fully on my work. I felt like a crack head who needed a hit in the worst way. I kept telling myself, “Just call her.” I wanted to at least speak to her, but I really had nothing to say. It wasn’t like she was a friend of the family or whateva. And if I called her, I didn’t wanna call her with no Mack of the year player lines. I simply decided to scratch that idea.

  Enough was enough. I had to convince myself to stop sweating this Toni chick. I had to get the thought of her out of my head. It was almost three in the afternoon, and I still hadn’t taken my lunch break, so I decided to pull into a McDonald’s drive-thru. As I spoke my order into the menu board, I realized that the female who was taking my order sounded very sexy. I was wondering how she looked. I told myself, “I bet you one hundred dollars that when I pull around to pick up my food that she will be the most busted-looking female you ever wanted to see.”

  I loved placing bets like that with myself just to test my McUgly/McSlammin’ Theory.

  The theory states that any female who takes your order at the drive-thru and sounds sexy is almost guaranteed to be ugly. But if she sounds regular or even if her voice sounds a little masculine, then it’s highly probable that she will be slammin’. So after placing my order, I pulled around to the pick-up window. And man was my theory wrong. The girl who came to the window definitely off the meter. Although she looked as if she was barely old enough to have her working papers, she still was a cutie.

  She was a young Spanish chick with crazy long hair. She was even able to fill out those stiff but loose polyester pants that are part of the McDonald’s uniform. When she reached for the money, I held on to it so she would have to tug it when she grabbed for it. After she realized that I wasn’t going to let go of the money, she looked at me and repeated the price.

  “Yeah, I know how much it is,” I replied. “I just wanted to look at you a little longer. You don’t mind, do you?”

  She didn’t respond. She just smiled and took the money.

  When she came back with my food and the change, I noticed that her name tag read Carmen.

  “So, Carmen, how old are you?” I asked.

  “Sixteen,” she replied with another smile.

  “Would your man mind if you gave me your number and I took you out?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Listen, my name is Lance. Carmen, I was thinking, why don’t you just give me your number and I’ll call you. I mean, I don’t wanna hold up the line or get you in trouble.”

  Carmen quickly wrote down her number and gave it to me. As I drove off, she instructed me to take care. I put her number on the dashboard of the work van that I was driving like I’ve done with literally hundreds of phone numbers in the past. I knew I wasn’t gonna call her. I mean, I’m not one to rob the cradle or anything. She was a little cutie, so I’d just make sure I stopped back at that McDonald’s and I’d go inside next time to take a better look at her body. If the body was whack then I could still gas her for some free food or something.

  I knew that sixteen years old was way too young for me. For some reason I would always bug out with myself and think stupid thoughts about young girls like Carmen. I just hoped my thoughts wouldn’t get me locked up one day.

  Well at least Toni was out of my mind. My lunch break was over, and as for my cupcake job, I only had to sit around and do nothing for another twenty minutes, and after that I would be on my way home. I decided to pass the time by digging into the pile of my X-rated Black Tail magazines. I gazed at the magazines and got my heart racing a little, then I was ready to bounce. The remainder of the day passed with no unusual occurrences, except for Scarlet blowing up my pager and my cell phone like some deranged nut job. She left like twenty messages for me, and I didn’t return one of her calls. I knew that would really just piss her off but hey, what could a brotha do?

  Finally, evening time rolled around, and I could have won an Oscar for the way I romanced my wife. As I romanced Nicole I was feeling like a little kid on the day before his birthday. I couldn’t wait to go to sleep and wake up the next morning and open my present. I just hoped that Santa would bring me Toni in some form or the other. Toni was the last person I thought about after my wife and I said our prayers and lay waiting to fall asleep.

  SIX

  Tuesday was upon me, and I was as vibrant as an aerobic instructor. I was ready to conquer the world. Even my wife, before she departed for work, had commented on what a good mood I was in. I guess I was subconsciously excited about the prospect of seeing or speaking to Toni.

  Unfortunately, as the day played itself out, I still had no plausible excuse to go see Toni or to call her for that matter. I thought that at least if I went by her shop while I was working, I could play it off like I was just in the neighborhood and had dropped by to say what’s up.


  But that was how I would approach going to see someone like Carmen or any average female for that matter. I had to pull out all the stops with Toni. I decided to go ahead with something I had been contemplating for the past two days. I called up 1-800-FLOWERS and had them send Toni two dozen roses. I told the operator that I wanted the card inside the flowers to read:

  Dear Toni,

  Just the thought of you brightens my day. So I hope that the smile on your face from being surprised will brighten your day.

  With love,

  From Your Secret Admirer

  I didn’t care what the cost of the flowers was. All I knew was that I really felt good about having them sent. In my mind, I was convinced that Toni deserved the flowers. It made me feel good just knowing that I would be making someone else feel good. Women melt from things like flowers and love letters and the like. I think they melt due to the fact that someone took time out just to make them feel special. Hopefully Toni would be melting over my anonymous gesture.

  I have to admit that later on that night as my wife, Steve, LL, and I watched the NBA playoff games, I felt a little guilty about having sent Toni the flowers, but I blocked out the guilt and went on like everything was normal. I was cheering my team on. I had my Heinekens and a full tray of Buffalo wings, so in actuality everything was quite normal. I was giving LL and Steve high-fives and kissing my wife whenever a critical shot was made. The beer was giving me a little buzz, and coupled with the elation of having surprised Toni, it made it easy for me to block out the guilt.

  Earlier that same evening, I had caught Steve up on all of the latest details between Toni and myself. I told him how I was planning on calling her the next day and seeing if she’d received the flowers. Steve’s response, well, he simply shook his head and laughed at me. But again I warned him he wouldn’t be laughing when he saw Toni.