by Mark Anthony
“Lance, first of all, stop lying. ’Cause you wouldn’t have the tape if you weren’t watching it. Second of all, do you know I caught your five-year-old son watching this crap? Do you know what this stuff will do to him?”
At that point, all of the energy in my body left me. I felt like I was at a funeral looking into the casket of a dear family member. I think that I was feeling that way because I was wondering if I had just killed LL. Did I just kill my son in the same manner pornography had managed to kill me? I have been a resurrecting sex addict since I was nine years old. And that can mainly be attributed to my early childhood exposure to pornography.
Nicole was furious and rightly so. With my head bowed from embarrassment, I began speaking in a very low and humble tone. “Honey, I’m sorry that it was in the house. Where is LL? I wanna speak to him.”
Nicole ripped into me again, “And Lance, what about all of those magazines? God only knows how long LL has been looking at those things.”
“Honey, I told you that I’m sorry. They shouldn’t have been in the house, and I’ll definitely throw them in the garbage. But where is LL? I wanna speak to him.”
Nicole sucked her teeth, looked at me, then she told me that LL was in his room. I quickly rushed up to LL, and when I stepped into his room, the first words out of LL’s mouth were “Daddy, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Daddy.”
After watching LL cower into a corner with his hands up, I almost broke down and started crying because he reminded me of a kid who gets physically abused and is anticipating a butt whipping.
Mustering up as much mercy and compassion as I could, I immediately began to console LL. I picked him up from the floor and I set him on my lap. LL was crying, and I knew that he felt extremely guilty for what he had done. “LL, Daddy is not mad at you. Look at me,” I instructed.
LL wiped away his tears, and he looked at me. I continued to speak, “LL, I know that your mother probably yelled at you, and she yelled at you because what you were watching is not good for you. See LL, when a person is your age, they shouldn’t watch what was on the tape or look at the pictures in those magazines because it’s not good.”
LL was just about done wiping away his tears, and he asked, “Daddy, those are grown-up tapes, right?”
I nodded in agreement. With his cheeks still wet from tears, LL asked a very convicting question. “Daddy, if it’s bad for little kids to watch those tapes, why isn’t it bad for grownups to watch them? You were little before too.”
At that point I couldn’t help it anymore. I wasn’t gonna try to put up a front. If I wanted the cycle to end, I had to keep it real with LL. Starting to shed tears of my own, I insecurely laughed, and I asked LL if he had ever seen me cry before. He was very wide eyed as he shook his head no.
“LL, Daddy is crying because I love you so much. You might not understand what I’m about to tell you, but just listen closely. LL, do you remember how I told you that drugs are a bad thing and you should never use them or take them from anyone?”
LL answered, “Yes.”
I continued, “LL, the reason I told you to stay away from drugs is because there are people who take them, and they might want to stop taking them, but they can’t because they get addicted to the drugs.”
I knew LL was paying attention because he asked me what addicted meant. I explained to him that it was similar to how he likes Fruity Pebbles, which is okay. But if he were addicted to Fruity Pebbles then that would be no good because that would mean that all day long the only thing he would think about is eating Fruity Pebbles. He would force himself to eat them even if he wasn’t hungry. He would eat them until he was sick and throwing up. He would sneak and eat Fruity Pebbles even if he knew he could get in trouble by me or his mother. He would steal money to buy them or he would steal them from the supermarket. LL finally got an understanding of what I was telling him.
I continued, “See, LL, when you’re addicted to anything, whether it’s to drugs or cereal, it’s no good because being addicted makes you do things that you know are wrong. You know certain things are wrong, but when you’re addicted you do them anyway. LL, when you do things that are wrong, you start to hurt people who love you, and you also hurt yourself. Do you understand me?”
LL said, “Yeah, because if I was addicted to Fruity Pebbles then I would get sick, and you and Mommy would be hurt because I didn’t listen, right?”
I smiled and replied, “Exactly. Now LL, the reason I’m telling you this is because when I was your age, maybe a little older, I looked at magazines and certain pictures that I wasn’t supposed to look at. Just like you, I sneaked into my daddy’s things. The things I saw were just like the movie you watched and the pictures you saw. But see LL, my father and my mother never caught me. As a matter of fact, nobody ever caught me, so I would look at those things whenever I got the chance. I did it because I liked it and it made me excited. But LL, I didn’t know that those things were bad for me. They were bad for me in the same way that drugs are bad for a person. LL, you know what? When I got older I realized that I was addicted to the pictures and to tapes like the one you saw.”
As I spoke, LL looked intently at me. I began welling up inside, and before I knew it I was bawling in tears. I made sure Nicole didn’t hear me, and I was hoping she didn’t walk in the room. Literally, for the first time in my life I was being real with someone and admitting that I had a problem with sex. I was trying like crazy to hold back my tears. I told LL it was not right for a grownup to look at the pictures or watch the tape he’d seen. I explained to him that grownups sometimes make mistakes just like little kids.
“Daddy, you mean like it would be wrong for me to keep eating Fruity Pebbles, but if I was addicted I wouldn’t be able to help it, and I would eat it anyway . . . and, and . . .” LL paused then he continued, “and it’s like, it’s wrong for you to watch the tape, but you are addicted?” LL ended his statement in a tone that said he wasn’t sure if he was saying the right thing. But I knew he understood.
“LL, that’s exactly right,” I told him. “LL, now tell me the truth. How many times did you watch that tape and look at those pictures? Whatever you tell me, I won’t get mad at you.”
LL paused and looked toward the ceiling. Then he held up three fingers.
“You watched it three times? Are you sure that was it?”
LL answered, “Yeah, I’m sure ’cause when you were working in the nighttime, Mommy was on the phone, and I was in the basement playing and that’s when I found it.”
“What did you think when you saw what was on the tape?”
LL shrugged his shoulders, put both of his hands in the air, and he said, “I don’t know. I thought it was like when you kiss Mommy. And like when I got my haircut and you hugged Toni.”
Man! I knew I’d been sending LL some damaging messages, and I had to change. I only hoped that he hadn’t been permanently scarred.
“LL, now I want you to look at me. LL, I promise you that I will throw those tapes and those magazines in the garbage. Just like I made you promise me that you would stay away from drugs, I want you to promise me something else. LL, promise me that you will never, ever watch another tape like the one you saw and that you will never look at pictures like the ones you saw.”
LL promised me he wouldn’t. I slapped him five, and told him he didn’t have to tell his mother what we’d talked about and I would make sure that she didn’t yell at him for what he’d done. I didn’t mind if LL knew about my perverted past, but I didn’t want to expose myself to Nicole just yet. I knew that I was gonna eventually have to come out of the closet and tell her about my sexual addictions, but I just didn’t know how she would look at me.
I wished like heck that LL was older so I could explain to him how, indirectly, my addictions were hurting his mother and she didn’t even know it. I thought if I could just be open with someone about my feelings then maybe I could stop creeping around and lusting the way I did. At least I had the courage to speak to LL.
I’m probably a lost cause, but if me talking the truth to LL is gonna prevent his adolescence from being sexually screwed up and full of pornography and masturbation, well then I feel justified for having let him get dragged into my stupid addiction.
After LL and I finished talking, I went to make peace with Nicole who was on the telephone in the kitchen. I quietly overheard her yapping all this mumbo-jumbo about how she couldn’t believe that I would even have that garbage in the house. After eavesdropping for five minutes and listening to her bash me, I didn’t know if I felt like crying or screaming out in anger. I proceeded to abruptly walk into the kitchen, and I asked Nicole if she could get off the phone.
She ignored me, and she spoke on the phone for another two minutes. Then when she was ready—and only when she was ready—she told her sister that she would call her back.
I was frustrated, but I had to keep it inside of me, and I reminded myself that Nikki had no idea of what I’d been through in my lifetime in terms of my distorted sexuality. And there was no way that I was gonna be able to convey that to her at the moment.
“Nicole, do you have to be on the phone running your mouth to your sister about everything that goes on in this house?” I barked.
Nikki, who seemed ticked off, replied, “Lance, don’t even go there, all right?”
“Nikki, all I’m saying is that I was wrong, but we haven’t even spoken about this, and you’re already spreading my business.”
Nikki added, “What do you mean we haven’t spoken about this? There is nothing to speak about. You’re getting rid of those tapes, and that’s it. It’s final. I mean, if you find those whores on those tapes more appealing than me then that’s another story.”
Thinking to myself, Oh boy, I said, “Nicole, it has nothing to do with finding those women more attractive than you or anything like that.”
Nicole added, “Women? You mean sluts.” She paused then she sucked her teeth and said, “Well, whatever. Did you speak to your son?”
“Yeah, I spoke to him, and everything is cool. I explained to him how it was wrong for me to have pornography in the house and how I didn’t want him looking at things like that anymore. Nicole, he promised me that he wouldn’t look at them anymore and he told me that he’d only looked at it three times.”
Nicole yelled, “Three times. Lance do you realize how smart LL is? He knows how to operate that VCR and everything. Who knows how many times he actually watched that garbage? I have a master’s in psychology, so I know how damaging just one glimpse of that stuff is.”
“Nicole, look. He watched it, and it’s over, a’ight? It’s not gonna happen again, and that’s the end of it. I don’t wanna hear another word about this.”
As usual, Nicole had to get in the last word and she uttered, “I don’t know what kind of Christian you call yourself.”
With that sarcastic remark, rage ran down my body. I just wanted to run and grab my wife and ram her skull upside the kitchen wall. She had no right to be making statements like that, especially since she didn’t know the amount of years that I’d struggled with pornography. As far as I was concerned, my struggles had no bearing on my Christianity and neither did they have anything to do with my degree of love for Nicole and LL. Nicole’s sarcasm had me bent. I felt like storming out of the house, but I knew running wasn’t gonna change anything.
For the remainder of the night I chilled out with LL, and I thought about coming clean with every sexual sin that I’d ever committed. I was trying to see how I could tell Nikki everything about my sexual past, up to and including Toni. As I sat and pondered, I realized I really didn’t care about a divorce and all that nonsense. I just wanted to be set free from my skeletons and demons. I could pray to God and I could go to church, but I knew I would never be set free until I truly confessed my iniquities to Nicole, who is my heart and soul.
Later that night when Nicole and I lay in bed, my heart was racing. I thought about at least telling Nikki about some of my past. Yeah, maybe it wasn’t the right time to hit her with the reality of the affair, but at least I could start unlocking the door to my horrid past.
As I was gearing myself up to voice the sounds of confession, my wife asked me a question.
She asked, “Lance, I don’t know how to say this, but, is there anything on those tapes that you see those porno queens doing that you would like me to do?”
Once again, all of the strength left my body. As I was getting ready to respond to Nicole, she abruptly added to her statement, “Lance, I just don’t ever want you to think about the whores on those tapes more than you think about me. I mean, I can dress up in high heels and garters and all that. I’ll strip for you or whatever. Lance, if there’s some special sexual favor that you want me to perform, just let me know.”
I began feeling dejected as hell because Nicole simply didn’t have a clue. I guess she was only asking the normal questions that any woman would ask after finding out that their husband has been secretly watching pornography, but still, she was clueless.
Sounding despondent, I replied, “Nah, baby, believe it or not, I’m satisfied. Just keep doing what you’ve been doing.”
TWENTY-ONE
To me, LL is the most important person in the world. He is my seed, and I didn’t want my seed to grow up and bear rotten fruit. For LL’s sake, I knew it was time to go cold turkey and put an end to all of the foolishness. When LL gets older, how am I going to teach him that certain things are immoral if I myself have not abstained from them? One thing I know for sure is that actions speak a whole lot louder than words.
My actions over the past month have been phenomenal. It’s been hard, but for LL’s sake, I managed to stop going to the strip clubs. I cut down on the number of times I masturbated, and I have thrown away and stopped looking at all forms of pornography. I even threw away phone numbers of females I’ve flirted with. My lusting was also on the decline.
I managed to see Scarlet a couple of times, but that was because I wanted to make sure that she was okay, both physically and mentally. I mean, I had kind of forced myself on her the last time that I was with her, and that just wasn’t sitting right with me. Little did I know, but I had managed to re-open a whole other can of old worms and emotional baggage and skeletons that were in Scarlet’s past as it related to sexual abuse and rape, so it was like although I had promised myself that there would be no more sex between Scarlet and me, I knew that now she needed me to be around her because of the old wounds that I had managed to reopen. Plus, I felt guilty. But yeah, I guess that was all just a minor setback in my quest to free myself from my cheating ways.
On the flip side, I would say my biggest accomplishment was that I went a little over one month without visiting Toni.
Yeah, Toni and I spoke on the phone, but even that was been limited to short conversations. Toni was no fool, and I knew she realized that I’ve been purposely trying to distance myself from her. LL’s future sexuality played a major role in me abstaining from Toni, but there was another major scare I had that also told me that enough was enough.
About a week or so after LL got busted watching the porno tape, I noticed something odd about my wife’s vagina. Nicole had this sort of thick and slimy discharge coming from her. Needless to say, she wasn’t exactly smelling like a bed of roses down there either. In fact, Nicole’s vagina smelled a lot like the low tide at Jones Beach. Anyway, I noticed the discharge before my wife did. I wanted to bring it to her attention, but I was scared as hell.
The first thought that came to my mind was that I had contracted some sexually transmitted disease from Toni and had infected my wife. Man, I was panicking like crazy. When I saw that discharge, I immediately wanted to get on the horn with Toni. But at the same time I didn’t want to jump the gun and automatically assume that Toni was at fault. I also wanted to run to the doctor to get myself checked out, but I was too damn scared to do that. What I did was I simply remained quiet.
Nicole and I hadn’t used co
ndoms since our first year of marriage, but due to fear of the unknown, I felt that it was time to revert to the old way of doing things. I had no clue as to what kind of disease Nicole had or if I had given one to her, so I figured that by using condoms it would at least keep a bad situation from getting any worse. I was creative in my reason as to why I wanted to start using condoms again, and fortunately for me, Nicole shrugged it off and didn’t object to it.
About a day or so after I noticed the discharge, Nicole started to complain that her private area was very itchy and irritated. To my surprise, she informed me that she, too, had seen the discharge but didn’t know what it was. In my heart I knew that Nicole, although she didn’t show it, was very alarmed. I was thinking that with this whole pornography episode now lurking in my past, that Nicole surely wouldn’t have put it past me to go behind her back.
Surprisingly, I’d managed to be upfront with Nicole. I explained to her that I had noticed the “white stuff,” but I’d chosen not to say anything. I also told her the discharge had alarmed me and that was the true reason I’d decided to bag up and wear a condom. Nicole was concerned, and so was I. So without delay we marched our butts down to the doctor’s office.
I was never secure with the fact that Nicole’s gynecologist is some middle-aged handsome black dude. But hey, she had to see him in order to figure out what was wrong. What ticked me off was the fact that when we got to his office he seemed to be a little extra friendly. Granted that Nicole hadn’t been to see him in quite a while, but at the same time it’s not like he knew her all that well on a personal basis.
His name is Doctor Timothy Wine, and when Dr. Wine came out to the waiting area to greet us, his face lit up with a huge smile.
“Oh, Nicole? How have you been?” Dr. Wine happily asked, as he extended his hand to Nicole for a handshake.
Nicole, with her ever-pleasant smile, accepted his handshake and replied that she had been doing fine. It’s funny how he’d forgotten my name as he asked, “And your name again, sir?”