by Mark Anthony
I just turned my lips and looked the other way so that he would know that I was purposely trying to dis him. For the sake of peace, Nicole interjected and reminded him of my name. Although there wasn’t a damn thing funny, Dr. Wine started smiling and laughing this fake laugh as he patted me on the back and said, “Oh that’s right. Lance.” After he realized I had a very serious face and he was the only one laughing, he quickly donned a serious expression and tried to change the subject as he asked, “And how’s the little one?”
That was it, I’d had enough of this punk-ass, brown-nosing doctor. I rudely blurted, “LL is fine. Now, Doc, if you don’t mind, can we get started?”
Dr. Wine took the hint, and he requested that Nicole follow him into his office. I made sure I followed right behind the two of them. Nicole pushed me as she tried to persuade me to go back into the lobby, but that wasn’t happening. Then Dr. Wine tried flexing his authority as he told me that no unauthorized people were allowed into the examination area.
I quickly stepped up and flexed my authority, and I explained that the fact that I’m married to Nicole gave me the authority to go with her. To Nicole’s extreme embarrassment I added that, furthermore there wasn’t a man in the world who could poke and probe my wife’s vagina without me being present.
When I was done flexing on the doctor, his position had changed. And without any further delay, the three of us found ourselves sitting in his office. Nicole explained to him her symptoms, and he took very studious notes. The doctor then explained to Nicole that he was sure that she had nothing more than a yeast infection.
While Nicole was dropping her pants, the doctor explained that when women have their first yeast infection, it is very often mistaken as an STD. He advised that, just to be sure, he was gonna perform a pap smear, and he was also going to draw some of Nicole’s blood and have it tested for STDs.
After he’d drawn the blood, Nicole was instructed to sit on this table where she had to place her feet into this stirrup-like concoction. I was highly teed off as Nicole lay there with her legs wide open and her goods exposed to the world.
The doctor slipped on some plastic gloves and began pulling back skin, poking, sticking, swiping, and trying to peek at every crevice of Nicole’s private parts. Nicole, who had to feel humiliated, wasn’t complaining nor did she look as if she was receiving any pleasure from all of the doctor’s poking. Therefore, I remained in my seat and let the doc do his thing.
When he was done, he told Nicole that based on his years of experience, he was certain that she only had a yeast infection. He prescribed her some medication that she had to inject into her vagina for three days. And he added that in time, everything should be back to normal.
Man, I can’t begin to explain how relieved I was when after a week had passed Nicole told me that the results from her pap smear were normal and her blood test showed that she didn’t have any STDs. Without Nicole’s knowing, I, too, had run out and gotten tested just to make sure everything was on the up and up with me, which, thank God, it was.
That whole yeast infection episode just made me think. I realized even more that it just wasn’t worth it for me to be running around sexing different women and risking my life—and my wife’s life at that.
TWENTY-TWO
By the time the middle of August rolled around I found myself being tempted by some of my same old demons. I had no porno tapes at my disposal, but sad to say I found myself watching the X-rated channel on cable TV. No, my wife and I weren’t subscribers to that channel. But see, I went as far as watching the channel even though the screen was scrambled. I couldn’t even get a clear shot as to what was being displayed on the screen. To me just hearing the sounds of people having sex was enough to whet my appetite. On a good night, every now and then the picture would clear up for about three seconds, which enabled me to see all of the meat and potatoes.
Like a fiend, I was exhausting all of my options. I even managed to benefit from the computer age in which we’re living. I found myself on the Internet looking at all kinds of X-rated material and talking to people in sex-oriented chat rooms. During my sexual excursions on the Internet, I came to realize that there are some major sex freaks in this world. I was actually able to meet people kinkier than myself. With me exposing myself to new forms of sexual material, I again had to combat that age-old demon of mine, which was masturbation.
I had also been seeing Scarlet more frequently. We had kind of worked out a new arrangement where we both agreed to limit our sexual contact with each other to just oral sex. It wasn’t just selfish oral sex where only I benefited, but I also returned favors to Scarlet. It was a good arrangement because oral sex was not really cheating—at least not in my mind. Plus, my relationship with Scarlet was just different, so slipping up with her wasn’t too bad, because like I have been saying from day one, what I have going on with Scarlet isn’t really wrong—at least, in my mind it isn’t.
I was able to toot my success horn in one area, and that was the fact that I continued to stay away from Toni. However, with each passing day the urge to see her grew stronger and stronger. I’d been praying to do the right thing, and for the most part, I was. But I knew that until I actually opened up to my wife and told her the truth about my past, I’d continue in my same sad pattern of behavior.
I called Toni just to see how she was doing. When I spoke to her, it was as though I had been hit by a moving train. See, to my disappointment, Toni told me that she was leaving for D.C. in three days. The fact that my real-life fantasy was about to end, well, that didn’t sit well with me. Immediately I thought back to the first time I saw Toni. I thought back to pulling her over and asking her to cut LL’s hair. I thought about the numerous times I visited her in the shop. I thought about all the sexy outfits I’d seen her in. I reminisced about the first time we kissed. I got chills thinking about the first time we made love. I tried to go back in time and relive the nights I’d spent sleeping over at Toni’s crib, and all the fun we had.
Although common sense had already told me that Toni would eventually have to go back to school for her final semester, it was still an unpleasant dose of reality to have to swallow. I looked back on the last month and a half and realized what a fool I was to have let all that time pass by without even seeing my girl. Sad to say, I knew I had let Toni slip out of the grip of my paws. I also knew that very soon she would be fair game to any cat she would meet in D.C. Inside my heart, I agonized as I wished that I could just always have Toni in my hip pocket and pull her out whenever I needed a hit of her.
My obsessive feelings for Toni overrode my common sense. Two days after calling her, I managed to find my way back over to her place. I unexpectedly popped up at her crib. When Toni answered the door, her jaw dropped to the ground. She seemed shocked and excited to see my face. Although it had only been a little over a month since I’d last seen Toni in person, she looked as if she had matured for the better. She had a slammin’ new short hairstyle and her eyebrows were done up in a very exotic way.
In the doorway of her crib, I hugged Toni. Feeling how good her body felt made me want to kick myself for not having experienced more hugs and sex from her. I asked Toni, “You didn’t think that I was gonna just let you leave without saying goodbye, did you?”
Toni replied that she knew I would call her but she had no idea that I would take the time out to come by.
“Toni, I hope this doesn’t mean goodbye forever.”
Toni remained quiet. She didn’t know what to say. Then I asked, “It doesn’t, right?”
Toni, who was in the midst of packing her clothes, unzipped a suitcase and said, “Lance, I can’t front. I’m crazy about you. Like I told you in the past, in the short time I’ve known you, I’ve found myself doing things that I can’t believe I let myself do. I don’t regret the time we had together, but Lance, come on . . . I mean, I haven’t seen you in like almost a month and a half, and I think I know why.”
I hated hearing that type of t
alk from Toni. I wanted to put a halt to it. I walked over to her, and I tried to hold her. I was trying to make a move to kiss her, but I think she knew what I was up to. Toni pushed me away as she told me no.
“Come on. What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Lance, I’m not gonna kiss you because I realize that all I’m doing is letting my emotions dictate how I feel about you. I have to start exercising some common sense.”
Playing dumb, I asked Toni what she was talking about.
She replied, “Lance, I don’t have to explain because you know exactly what I’m talking about. For the past month and a half, I’ve desperately wanted to speak to you and see you every day. My heart was telling me to do whatever I had to do to be happy, but my mind was telling me that I had no business whatsoever wanting you like that. Lance, I don’t think that I have to tell you that this is goodbye forever, because you should already know that.”
Feeling like a kid who was told he couldn’t have a new toy, I said, “Toni, I know what you’re saying, but all I’m saying is that I want to keep in touch with you.”
“For what?” Toni asked in a somewhat rude manner.
I knew that this conversation wasn’t going well, so I tried switching subjects. “Okay, Toni, listen, at least let us depart on a good note. I tell you what, why don’t I help you pack?”
Toni answered, “Actually, Lance, I’m almost done, and I really don’t need that much help. Plus, I have to get dressed ’cause me and Kim are going out tonight.”
Feeling like an unwanted roach, I replied, “Oh, okay. Well, where are y’all going?”
Toni handed me a flyer with pictures of two cock-diesel male strippers. When I saw the flyer I got so vexed that I almost wanted to crumple it up and throw it at her.
I barked, “Strippers? Y’all are gonna go see some male strippers?”
Although I wasn’t fond of the idea, Toni expressed her excitement, which drove me absolutely bananas. She took the flyer from my hand and held it up in the air and began twirling it around as she, being happier than a peacock, said, “Yeah, we’re gonna see Mandingo and oooh, I can’t forget about Flava. Both of them have got it going on.”
I was so heated. Here I was trying to spark the last bit of passion between Toni and myself, and she was running off at the mouth about Mandingo and Flava, two male strippers who had her salivating.
Trying to hold back anger, I asked, “So that’s how you’re gonna spend your last night in New York?”
Toni continued packing her clothes, and she nonchalantly responded, “No doubt. I’m young and I gots to get my groove on. You know what I’m sayin’?”
Man, I didn’t know what to make of the situation. I have to admit that I was jealous like crazy, but what could I do? I wanted to grab Toni’s full attention for one more night. I thought about bringing the conversation toward God and asking Toni about her spiritual life, but how absurd and hypocritical would that have been? I was convinced that Toni still had feelings for me, but she seemed as though she had made up her mind to erect this emotional wall in order to leave me out of her life.
I had overstayed my welcome, and Toni began hinting that it was time for me to leave. As I hesitantly made my way to the door, I asked one last question. “Toni, look . . . I know that you’re gonna be turning twenty-five in a couple of weeks. Can I at least have the privilege of having your address in D.C. so I can send you something nice?”
Toni looked at me and smiled as she nodded. I wanted to let out a sigh of relief. At least she wasn’t telling me that she absolutely, positively didn’t want to have anything at all to do with me. Toni quickly jotted down her address and handed it to me. I looked at her and wondered if that would be the last time that I would ever actually see her.
“Can I have one last hug?” I asked.
Toni quickly complied and gave me a very warm hug that lasted for about thirty seconds. That hug proved to me that Toni was going to be torn on the inside after I’d ceased to be a part of her life. I didn’t want the two of us to depart feeling awkward, so I decided to make the situation funny and relaxed.
“Toni, take off your socks,” I commanded.
“What?” she asked as she started laughing.
“Take off your socks. If I never see you again, I wanna make sure that I remember exactly how your toes look.”
Toni continued laughing as she said, “Lance, you are so crazy.” She then did as I requested and took off both of her socks and wiggled her toes around. “Are you happy now?” she asked.
“Very happy,” I replied with a smile.
Then I gave Toni one last hug and a peck on her ear. While still hugging her, I felt like shedding a tear as I told her that I was going to truly miss her, after which she looked me in my eyes and told me that she was going to miss me too.
I sadly left and headed home.
TWENTY-THREE
With Toni off to D.C. and out of the picture, the relationship with my wife was so much more pleasurable. Spiritually, I’d been doing better than ever. I’d been able to spend much more quality time with LL. Also, I’d been combating many of my sexual hang-ups. But I have to admit that since Toni’s departure, I still felt the need to be with her. I greatly perceived a need to make love to Toni one last time. It was like in my mind things just wouldn’t be complete between the two of us until that happened.
I had been trying to come up with all kinds of excuses to tell my wife why I would have to take a trip to Washington, D.C. Unfortunately, I hadn’t been able to come up with a plausible enough one. I figured that my only option would have been for me to take a plane to D.C. early one Saturday morning, spend the day with Toni then fly back to New York around eight or nine in the evening. But see, I still had another hurdle to leap over: Toni. My gut feeling told me she’d object to the idea simply because she was trying to put me behind her.
To me, jumping a hurdle was not that big of a deal because if I didn’t make it over, I’d simply try again. I’d keep trying until I was successful. Yeah, I might fall and scrape my knees, but even the pain of that would eventually subside. I had to remind myself that women are an easy hurdle to jump if you get at their emotional side. I couldn’t think of a better way to get at Toni’s emotional side than to write her a love letter. I’m not the best one with words, but I at least had to try. So writing her is exactly what I did. My letter went:
Dear Toni,
I know that you are probably surprised to be receiving a letter from me, but I just had to write you. Toni, I don’t know if I made it clear to you when you were in New York, but so that you know, I’ll tell you now. Toni, I love you. I’m not trying to run game on you, and I hope that you don’t take offense to me saying that I love you, but I really feel as if I do.
I understand what you were saying when you told me that you didn’t want to be led by your emotions. I’ll admit that when we first met I was definitely driven by my hormones and emotions in the sense that
I was only physically attracted to you. Toni, I’ll even admit that maybe it was a mistake for us to have made love as soon as we did. But the fact remains that we did make love several times, and, Toni, each time I felt that much closer to you.
Toni, I didn’t fall in love with you based on superficial reasons. Rather, what I learned is that you are more beautiful on the inside than you are on the outside. Toni, it was during the three weeks or so when we spent every evening together that I learned what a special person you are. I found out what drives you, and that you are far from shallow. I could go on and on in terms of how much I’m drawn to you, but I don’t want you to think I’m trying to sell you something or trying to gas you.
I know that you probably feel the same way about me as I feel about you. And Toni, you have to be honest with yourself in the same way I had to be honest with myself. What I mean is, could only our hormones and emotions be pulling us toward each other, or is there something that goes deeper than the surface? Could that something deeper be called love?
Toni, it’s funny how it’s been like two months since we’ve really hung tight with each other, yet we still have strong feelings for each other. What I’m trying to say is, I know that it was me who chose to distance myself from you. And Toni, I also know that you said before you left that it meant goodbye forever, but I can’t go on if it really means goodbye forever. You told me you would be finished with school this December and you would be coming back to New York to live. Well Toni, December is only a few short months away.
I take the blame for letting you slip out of my life, but now I want you back. Toni, I also want to fly to D.C. one Saturday and see you. That’s if it’s alright with you. Let me know. You have the number, and you don’t have to be afraid to call.
Love,
Lance
P.S. I know that you told me that you make good money doing hair in D.C. because women down there get their hair done like it’s a religion, but I want you to keep the three hundred dollars that I’ve sent along with this letter. Keep it as a birthday present. Thought I forgot, didn’t you? Happy twenty-fifth birthday.
About a week passed since I’d mailed Toni that letter, and she hadn’t called me or anything. I was wondering what on earth was going on. I began to think that she really did just want to end the situation between the two of us. In a way I needed Toni to hammer it through my thick skull that things were over, finished, kaput, period, end of story. See, if Toni didn’t end it, I knew that I was too weak to even try.
As the days strolled along, I began to look back, and I realized that my obsession with Toni was causing me to lose focus on what was important in my life. Take my relationship with my friends as an example. It had been a while since Steve and I had our falling out, yet I was more worried about Toni than I was about mending things with Steve. I was more focused on which airline had the cheapest airfare to D.C. as opposed to which restaurant I should take my wife to on Saturday night. I realized that I was a sick man, but that’s just me.