by Mark Anthony
When Saturday afternoon came upon me, I found myself mowing the lawn. Again, just like the past couple of days, I was eagerly anticipating a phone call of some sort from Toni. The phone rang off the hook all morning long, but Toni never called. Even as the early afternoon was in full gear the phone continued to ring, yet no Toni.
Early Saturday afternoon did, however, bring one thing. It brought the mailman to my house with a handful of bills. Along with the bills, there was a small envelope that was addressed to me. Despite the fact that the letter was in a small envelope, what was odd was that it didn’t have a return address on it. I knew that many junk mail letters came in that fashion just to throw people off. I was tired of receiving junk mail, and I was just about to throw the letter in the garbage, but something told me to just open it.
To my complete shock and surprise, when I opened the envelope I realized that it was a letter from Toni. I quickly turned off the lawnmower. I put my rake to the side, and with my dirty hands I began to read what Toni had to say.
What’s up, Lance?
I hope that you are reading this letter and that it didn’t get into the hands of the wrong person. For obvious reasons I left out the return address information. Lance, I was glad to have received a letter from you. I’ve been meaning to speak to you for quite some time now. Actually, I wanted to speak to you before I left to come back to D.C., but I didn’t know how to approach you.
Before I get into what I want to say, let me say this. Lance, I believe you when you say that you love me, and I believe that I love you too. But one thing is for sure and that is we can’t have a relationship that goes beyond just being friends. I’ve thought things over, and I feel that we should definitely remain as friends. However, Lance, there is something that is probably going to pull us to be closer than friends.
Lance, I’m going to get straight to the point. I have been extremely troubled by something. Like I said, I wanted to tell you. but I didn’t know how, and when you wrote me, I figured that putting my words on paper would be the best way to tell you. Lance, I’m two months pregnant, and I am positive that the baby is yours.
I took a pause from reading the letter. I took a deep breath, and I slowly re-read what I thought I’d just read. Oh man, I thought. Toni better be joking or else I have some serious problems on my hands. I had to take a seat on my front steps just in case I fainted or something. When I sat down, I quickly scanned the letter one more time. I was looking for the spot where Toni would tell me that she was just joking. When I realized there were no references to a joke, my heart started beating a hundred times per second. I felt a fear that I had never—and I mean never—felt in my life. Before I continued reading, I thought about what I had just read: two months pregnant, and it’s my baby.
So Lance, to answer a question that you asked me in reference to coming to visit me, I think that you know that you have my approval to come to D.C. Lance, I am so sorry that I didn’t tell you this when I suspected it in New York. But please don’t be upset with me. I just want us to speak about this face-to-face.
Lance, I am so scared. I am worried, and I am confused. I know that I have to keep this baby because abortion is not in my vocabulary. I just don’t know how I’m going to work out a lot of other personal issues. I know my father is going to disown me, but in time that’ll work itself out. I don’t have the slightest idea as to what I’m going to do about starting my career and all that. I mean, I won’t have to leave school or anything like that because I’ll be done with school in December, but I don’t know what I’m going to do in terms of working and taking care of a baby.
Lance, I hate to be telling you this but it’s real, and I would never joke with you like this. I know one thing, and that’s that the both of us can’t really worry about what the past has meant or how this or that should have been different. What we have to do is concern ourselves with what we are going to do with the future. Lance, call me as soon as you read this letter.
Love,
Toni
P.S. My number is . . .
I memorized the number and quickly shredded all of the incriminating evidence. I had never felt worse than I was feeling after having read that letter. It was so weird how just that quick, all my talk about how I loved Toni and how I wanted to see her had vanished. As scared as I was feeling, I knew that there was no way on earth I could truly love someone and then in a split second view them as if they had the bubonic plague. Forget about catching a red-eye to D.C. I felt like catching a plane to the nearest desert where I could be alone and not have to deal with all of the drama.
Although the grass was not yet complete, I managed to wrap things up. A beautiful lawn was the last thing on my mind. While putting the lawnmower away, I almost broke out into a cold sweat as I thought about my wife. I began to hyperventilate just thinking how I was going to tell Nicole. She wasn’t home, and although I was terrified to pick up the phone, I had to call Toni just to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.
When I dialed Toni’s number, she picked up on the first ring. I left out all that “hello, how are you doing” crap. I wanted to get down to business.
Breathing heavy due to my nervousness, I said, “Toni, I just read your letter. Tell me that you’re not serious.”
Toni quietly replied, “Lance, I wish I could, but I can’t.”
I cried out over the phone, “Oh no. Toni, don’t tell me that. Please Toni, don’t tell me that. Don’t you know that I’m married?”
Toni quickly became apologetic as she said in a velvet baby tone of voice, “Lance, I wish I could tell you I was lying. I wish I could, but I’m really pregnant, and I know it’s yours.”
There was dead silence on the phone for about a minute. I contemplated what I should do. All kinds of thoughts ran through my head. I wanted to ask Toni why she had waited so long to tell me. I also wanted to demand that she get an abortion. In the worst way, I wanted Toni out of my life, but now more than ever, she was a very big part of my life.
Toni broke the silence and said, “Lance, I’m sorry.”
I sucked my teeth and said, “Toni, you don’t have to be apologizing. Listen, next Saturday I’m coming to D.C. I’ll call you and let you know what time to pick me up from the airport.”
Toni agreed to the plan. We spoke for another minute or so then we hung up.
I had never felt so lonely in all my life. I felt as if I had nowhere to turn. I couldn’t call Steve. I couldn’t talk to my wife. LL was too young to give me any advice, and I definitely couldn’t call anyone from the church. Also, I hadn’t analyzed the situation enough to speak to any of my immediate family members. Feeling hopeless and with no options, I began sobbing like a baby. Through my tears I glanced at the family photo of my wife, LL, and myself. How on earth was I gonna drop this bomb on Nicole?
I immediately dropped to my knees and began praying to God because I really felt like slitting my wrists. The only thing that stopped me was that I didn’t want LL to come home and see such a gruesome sight.
TWENTY-FOUR
Although I was deeply bothered as to how I was gonna handle this baby situation, I knew that the sooner Nicole found out, the better things would be. There was no way to make this situation easy for anyone involved. Two days after I’d found out that I was a father to be for the second time—and under some real thick conditions I might add—I started hinting to Nicole that I had something important to tell her. Nicole begged to know what was on my mind, but I had to keep her in the dark until I had all the details. It was sad because Nicole thought I was hiding some sort of pleasant surprise from her. If only she knew.
I managed to put my pride aside, and I trooped over to Steve’s crib. Steve didn’t even want to open the door for me, and I can’t say I blamed him. I spoke to Steve through his front door, and I begged him to hear me out. I told him I was sorry for having played myself. I also apologized for yelling at him. Fortunately for me, Steve opened the door, and he reluctantly entertained my sob story.
I reached to give Steve a pound, but he just looked at my hand and did not extend his in return.
“Yo, Steve, I’m sorry for flipping on you like I did. You don’t have to say anything, and I know you probably don’t even feel like talking to me, but, Steve, I’m in big trouble.”
Steve, who has been my man for years, couldn’t help but be concerned. Although he tried to disguise it, he looked away and mumbled, “What’s up? Get at me. What are you talking about?”
I shook my head, but I didn’t say a word.
Steve then asked, “Yo, L, what’s up? You got beef with somebody or what? What’s up?”
I answered, “Now Steve, we’ve been tight for years, and I know I was in the wrong and I should’ve come to you and apologized earlier but—”
Steve interrupted me and said, “Yo, Lance, I ain’t sweatin’ that. Now what’s up, man? Get at me.”
I made another attempt to let Steve on to what was bothering me. “Steve, promise me that what I tell you is gonna stay between me and you.”
“Lance, come on. You’re my man.”
“A’ight check it. Remember that chick Toni?”
Steve sarcastically replied, “Nah, I’m not sure if I do.... Help me out. How does she look again?”
I paused and then I let it out, “Yo, she’s pregnant, and guess who the father is?”
Steve looked at me and said, “Nigga, you have a . . . ah, man . . . Yo . . . Yo . . . Kid, are you serious?”
“Hell yeah, I’m serious.”
Steve replied, “Ah man, I’m sayin’ . . . Man, you ran up in that piece raw, dawg?”
If this had been normal circumstances I would have been bragging at this point. But not today. I sadly had to admit that yes, I had run up in Toni with no protection.
“Steve, man, what do you think I should do?”
“Well I’m sayin’, if I was you I’d give her the dough and tell her to get rid of it.”
“Yeah, but she wants to keep it.”
“What? She knew a nigga was married. Yo, was she trying to trap you or something?”
“Nah. Yo, she ain’t like that. It just happened.”
Steve shook his head again and said, “Yo, all I can say is that if she wants to keep that kid then, I hate to say it but, you can hang things up with Nikki.”
Scared as hell, I wanted Steve to confirm what he’d just said, “Word? You think Nicole is gonna flip?”
“Nigga, what do you think she’s gonna do? Imagine her coming home and telling you that she’s pregnant by some other cat. What would you do? It would be over, right?”
I knew that Steve was right, and that’s why I’d started to plant seeds in Nicole’s head.
“Lance man, how many months pregnant is she?”
“Two months.”
“Two months? Man, you got time, but I tell you what, just ask for a divorce. Don’t mention anything about a baby or anything like that. Just tell Nicole that you aren’t happy anymore and it’s time to end things.”
I jumped in, “But everything is on the up and up with our marriage, and plus, what about LL?”
“Lance, listen. You ain’t working with too many options. Matter of fact, if Nicole finds out that you got someone else pregnant, she’s probably gonna do a Lorraine Bobbit on a nigga and slice your dick off. I know Nicole is religious and all, but watch how quick she’ll lose her religion when she finds out what you did.”
Steve had a point. See, the main reason I was so filled with anxiety was due to the fact that I didn’t know how Nicole was going to react. But one thing was for sure, and that was the fact that her reaction toward me wanting to get a divorce was sure to be less volatile than her would-be reaction to the news that I’d impregnated another woman.
Before I knew it, I found myself getting off Flight 702 at the Reagan National airport. It was 8:30 on a Saturday morning. Toni was waiting in baggage claim for me when the plane arrived. When I stepped off the escalator, I saw Toni wearing a jean jacket and some jeans along with a pair of the new Air Jordans. Although I was a mental wreck, I immediately became happy when I saw Toni’s beautiful face.
Toni ran over to me and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
“How was the flight?” she asked.
Due to the changes in altitude, my ears had that clogged, popping feeling to them that I hated. But I didn’t comment on that, I simply replied, “It was short and quick. It was like before I knew it I was here. I mean they didn’t even serve us any food. They just gave us some peanuts and a cup of soda.”
Toni laughed, and she advised me that she had food in her apartment if I was hungry. We both walked to the airport parking lot where we hopped into Toni’s car and headed to her apartment. In the beginning of the ride we both were silent, so to break the tension Toni popped in a CD into her car’s stereo system. It was a bass-thumping hip-hop mix tape. I wasn’t really in the mood for hip-hop, and asked if she could put on something a little softer. Toni complied, and while she was switching CDs, she asked what time was I planning to head back to New York.
“My flight back leaves at five-thirty this afternoon,” I informed.
“That soon?”
“Yeah. I told Nicole that I was working overtime today, so I have to be back at a reasonable time.”
Toni understood, and as we drove, she informed me that she had to stop at a store to pick up some orange juice. When we reached the supermarket I stayed in the car and Toni jumped out and ran inside the store. I started to run in behind her and ask her if we could stop at a pharmacy and pick up a hoe pregnancy test—I mean a home pregnancy test. After all, what if she was just gaming a nigga? I decided against asking her that because if she wanted me that bad she knew she didn’t have to stoop as low as telling me she was pregnant.
It’s funny because whenever I go to another state it just seems so much more peaceful as compared to New York. I always have thoughts of what it would be like if I actually picked up and moved. The horrid thought of me just breaking out on my family and moving to D.C. crossed my mind. As I sat in the car and waited for Toni, I really began to consider that as a natural solution to all of my troubles. I didn’t want to be tied down in another marriage, but I could definitely see myself living in D.C. with Toni and raising the baby.
Before long Toni had returned to the car.
“That was quick,” I said. “A woman never comes out of any store that fast.”
Toni smiled and reminded me that she had only gone to buy orange juice. She then advised me that we were only like two minutes away from her apartment.
“Lance, do you eat omelets?”
I replied, “As hungry as I am, I’ll eat anything.”
Toni laughed, and she let me know that she was gonna cook us some French toast and omelets. As Toni slowly maneuvered the car over two speed bumps I realized that we must have been at her apartment complex.
I asked, “Is this where you stay?”
“Yep,” Toni informed me as we pulled into her personal parking spot.
The complex was very nice. I would say that it held fifty or so apartments. It wasn’t a high-rise complex—it was only two stories high. When we walked into Toni’s apartment I immediately noticed that she kept the place just as immaculate as she’d kept her apartment in New York.
“Toni, your apartment is just as nice as your place at home.”
“Oh, you like it?”
“Yeah, it’s cool, but you need to take down that poster of Maxwell.”
“Maxwell is the man,” Toni laughed.
Toni began to show me around the place, and when we reached her bedroom I flopped onto her bed, and let out a groan. Who was I fooling? Since the airport I had been behaving as if I was seeing Toni on an ordinary visit. But I knew and she knew that this was no regular visit.
After groaning, I smothered my face into Toni’s pillow and I asked, “Toni, what are we gonna do?”
Being that the pillow was muffling my voice, Toni couldn’t make out what I had a
sked. I sat up, removed the pillow from my face, and I looked at Toni and asked again, “What are we gonna do?”
Toni sat next to me and suggested that we talk over breakfast. I agreed, so as Toni went to the kitchen to cook I stayed in her room on the bed and rested. Again, a stupid thought passed through my mind. With everything going on, I still managed to think about realizing the possibility of having sex with Toni one last time. My rationale was that I was already in her apartment, and sex would be a great way to relieve some of the stress that I was feeling.
While I was thinking, Toni yelled from the kitchen and asked me to come join her. I sluggishly made my way to the kitchen and Toni remarked, “What’s wrong? You scared of me or something?”
Toni was standing in front of her stove, and while I pulled out a chair to sit in, I said, “Nah, I’m not scared of you. I was just trying to get some more rest. With all that’s been going through my head lately, I haven’t been able to get a lick of sleep at night.”
Toni sympathized with me, which led us into deeper conversation.
“Toni, I’ve been thinking this whole thing through, and I have to admit something. When I read your letter, I knew right away that you weren’t lying, and I got mad scared. People usually think irrationally when they’re afraid. And to be honest, the first thought that came to my mind was that I wanted you to get an abortion.”
Toni, who was sautéing onions, immediately interrupted me and said, “Lance, I already told you in the letter that I ain’t getting no abortion. I don’t believe in that.”
“No. Nah, I understand that. I’m just sayin’, that was the first thought that came to my mind when I initially found out. I mean, I don’t believe in abortion either. It probably doesn’t seem like it, but I’m a Christian.”
Toni took a pause from preparing the food, and said, “Lance, you know what? I can’t even believe we’re discussing this. For real, I mean, in my wildest dreams I never thought I would be mixed up in something like this. In the past whenever I watched Jerry Springer or some other trash talk show, I always wondered where on earth they get such jacked-up people from. And now here I am having a married man’s baby. I need to call one of those trash talk shows and try to get on.”