by Mark Anthony
Mustering up a bit more courage, I again exhaled and said as clearly and coherently as possible, “Nicole, I cheated on you.”
Trying to be brave, I gave Nicole a “thug-life” look, as if I was preparing to scream out, “Yeah, I cheated on you. What?”
Nicole insecurely looked at Tiffany, then she looked at me. She’d definitely heard what I said, but she rhetorically asked with a frown on her face and a little ghettoness in her voice, “Lance, repeat that for me one more time.”
I immediately went on the defensive as I said, “Baby, I’m so sorry. Please just let me finish.”
Nicole was breathing hard, and she was at the edge of her seat. I continued. Through my tears, I added, “Nicole, I cheated on you, and there is no easy way to say this . . . but, Nicole . . . the other person . . . Nicole, I got someone else pregnant.”
Nicole immediately and violently stood, and in disbelief, she looked around. Not really knowing what to say, she asked Tiffany if I was joking. With the somber mood of the room, Nicole had to know I was telling the truth. Tiffany confirmed the matter.
Then Nicole calmly, but in a desperate-sounding tone said, “Pregnant? Lance, I can’t believe you.”
Within a split second Nicole went crazy. She flipped her plate of food into the air, and she began screaming and crying and asking, “Lance, how could you do this to me? Lance, how could you do this? I trusted you. How could you do this?”
Nicole then picked up my plate of food and threw it at me. I attempted to shield myself from the plate. I, too, was crying, and I tried to explain, “Nicole, I’m sorry. Baby, I am so sorry. If there was anything I could do to change this, I would.”
Nicole looked at me through her tears, and she had a look of death. She charged at me and started kicking me and punching me as she continued to ask, “Lance, how could you do this to me? What about your son?”
Tiffany tried to separate the two of us, but I wanted Nicole to hit me and let out all of her frustrations.
I kept yelling and telling her that I was sorry. The whole scene was like a very dramatic and climatic movie scene.
“Sorry? Sorry? Lance, sorry doesn’t count now. Are you trying to ruin my life? You must want to ruin my life. Answer me. Are you? I can’t believe you. I’m gonna ask you again, what about LL? Did you think about him? How could you do this to us?”
Fortunately Nicole had stopped trying to hit me. She had given in to Tiffany’s restraints. I didn’t know what to say or do, so I remained silent. Then Nicole asked, “Who is the bitch?”
I was shocked because I rarely heard Nicole use a curse word. But what did I expect? Nicole was truly heated—she was breathing heavy. She looked as if she had just been in some type of street brawl. Her shirt had become slightly wrinkled, and her hair was a bit messy. Nicole demanded to know who my mistress was.
“Lance, who is she? Who the hell is she?”
By this point my tears had subsided, and I mumbled, “Toni.”
In disbelief, Nicole screamed out, “What? I know you are not talking about that bitch you brought to my house. Lance, I know you are not talking about her. Don’t tell me you disrespected me like that.”
I remained silent, which confirmed that I indeed was talking about “that bitch” I had brought to the house.
Nicole began to wail and weep very loudly as she threw a ceramic cup at me. It clocked me right upside my head, and it hurt like crazy. The cup shattered to pieces as it landed on the kitchen floor.
“Lance, you had that whore around my son. You even had her in my house eating my food and talking to me.”
Nicole paused. I didn’t say a word, and I didn’t dare to look at her. Then I heard the sound of a person who was coughing and choking. I looked up, and I saw Nicole standing over the garbage can holding her stomach. A split second later she began to throw up right into the garbage can. Tiffany ran to Nicole’s aid, and I began to cry again. I didn’t think things would get this ugly. I wanted to console Nicole, but I knew she didn’t want me touching her.
While trying to wipe the spit that was hanging from her mouth, Nicole spoke again, this time in a very despondent tone and while sobbing, she said, “Lance, look at me. How could you do this to me? I thought I did everything I could to please you.”
Nicole finished vomiting, but she was still crying. When she’d gathered herself, she managed to tell me to get the hell out of the house and that she didn’t ever want to see me again. She also threatened that I would never see LL again.
I tried to run upstairs and speak to LL because I knew that he had to have heard everything that had transpired, but Nicole was insistent that I leave right away. She made it clear that I couldn’t get a lick of clothing or anything. She just wanted me out.
At that point I felt that the least I could do was to comply with Nicole’s wishes. I searched for my shoes and my jacket. When I found them, I slipped them on, and I prepared to leave. I walked past the kitchen one last time, and I saw my wife sobbing with her head buried in the kitchen table. Tiffany was caressing her back, trying to comfort her.
I motioned for Tiffany to walk me to the door. When we made it to the front of the house, I asked her if I could stay at her place. She said that it wouldn’t be a problem. Tiffany also told me that she would probably spend the night with Nicole just to make sure she would be all right.
My life was a mess, and I looked like a mess. Before walking out of the house, I hugged and thanked Tiffany for being there for Nicole. I didn’t want to let go of that hug, but Tiffany told me to get going. She also sternly reminded me to pray.
TWENTY-SEVEN
It had been two weeks since I’d last seen either Nicole or LL. Thankfully, Tiffany had kept in contact with the two of them, and they were doing fine. Tiffany had been reporting to me on Nicole’s emotional state of being. This entire ordeal had been affecting Nicole like I wouldn’t believe. Tiffany explained to me that Nicole could get over the fact that I’d been unfaithful, but just the mere thought of another baby was too devastating for her to handle.
Like me, Nicole had also been dipping in and out of depression for the last two weeks. Tiffany told me that Nicole went as far as taking a week of sick leave from her job. She wanted to use the time to get her head straight. Unfortunately, I didn’t have that same luxury. But even if I had, I probably would have declined to do so. I couldn’t see myself taking a week off, because that would have given me too much time to think and condemn myself.
With no surprise to me at all, I found out that everyone on Nicole’s side of the family had been updated with the news and details of my affair. The consensus of her family was that I was a no-good man and that Nicole should leave me, but not before she took me to court and sued the pants off me.
My most dominant thought of late had been in relation to my son. In my wildest dreams I never imagined that LL would grow up without a daddy. It saddened me deeply just thinking that I would only be able to see him every other weekend. Since he was born I’d dreamed about taking him to the park and teaching him how to be the next Michael Jordan or the next Reggie Jackson. With being limited to seeing him every other weekend, I told myself to wash those aspirations down the drain.
With everything that had been going on, I’d managed to speak to Toni on a few occasions. I made it crystal clear to her that in no way, shape, or form did I want her to speak to Nicole. I guess Toni had noble intentions by wanting to personally apologize and all, but come on. With Nicole agonizing over this ordeal, I really didn’t think that her hearing Toni say sorry was going to help. If anything it would just help to inflame the entire situation. Toni understood, and she gave me her word that she would keep her distance. I assured her that when the time was right she would have an opportunity to apologize to Nicole.
During the past two weeks, I’d say that I’d been down, but at the same time my thoughts had been extremely sober in the sense that for the first time in all of my years of being a dog, I was beginning to realize the emotional
devastation that dogism can cause. Yeah, I always knew that adultery was wrong and that pornography, lusting, and the like were not good for me, but I never understood the depths of devastation that the destructive mental programming from those acts could bring to the lives of others.
My sober thoughts caused me to look at myself as a murderer. See, it’s easy for a murderer to pull a trigger, shoot someone, and walk away with no remorse because that murderer has no real emotional connection to the victim. But if you take that same murderer and let him feel the pain of the murdered victim’s family members then everything changes. Force that murderer to sit through the funeral service of the one he has murdered, and suddenly it’s a whole new ballgame. When things become real and attached to that murderer and he can make an emotional connection, he can no longer simply remain a coward and continue to hide behind the trigger of a gun. Now he has to face the reality of what he’s done. I’m convinced that if everyone who was ever convicted of murder had the opportunity beforehand to feel the emotional devastation that murder produces, then the number of murders around the world would be a fraction of what they already are. And the same holds true for cheating and adultery.
In two days, it would mark three weeks since I’d last spoken to Nicole. I was convinced that she really didn’t want to have anything more to do with me. I hadn’t even dared to venture home in order to retrieve some of my clothing. During the past three weeks, I’d spent almost four hundred dollars on new clothes. However, that was not my main concern. LL was. I’d spoken to Tiffany and asked her if she could speak to Nicole on my behalf and try to persuade Nicole to let me see my son.
Fortunately for me, Nicole didn’t flex her position of authority when it came to allowing me the right to visit LL. Nicole’s pain probably would never go away, but I was grateful that she hadn’t allowed it to block me from seeing LL. She okayed my request, and when Monday night rolled in, I found myself feeling very uncomfortable as I approached my own house.
The door locks on the house hadn’t been changed, so I was able to freely let myself in. I wasn’t that nervous per se, but at the same time I didn’t know what to expect from Nicole. When I walked in, I went straight to the kitchen where I found a mountain of mail and a stack of bills that had gone neglected during my absence.
LL must have heard me because he came running downstairs. When he realized it indeed was me, he screamed out, “Daddy!” The biggest smile was plastered across my face as I knelt down to hug LL. He ran and jumped toward me. After I caught him, I picked him up and just looked at him.
I hugged him as I told him, “LL, Daddy has missed you so much.”
LL asked where I had been.
“I’ve been staying at your aunt Tiffany’s house.”
“Why?”
“Well, LL, remember how you used to tell me stories of kids in the daycare center who got into fights over toys and things like that?”
LL nodded and replied, “Yeah.”
Then I explained, “Well, I did something that was very wrong. It was something that your mother really didn’t like, so just like those children at your old daycare center, your mother and I got into a fight. LL, arguing and fighting are wrong, I want you to know that. I also want you to know that Daddy was completely wrong, and your mother was completely right. LL, Mommy was so upset with me that she told me that I couldn’t sleep here anymore.”
LL replied, “But Daddy I want you to sleep here. Please Daddy, I don’t like it when you’re gone.”
Statements like that were what I had been dreading to hear. I had no idea how to respond, so I said, “LL, listen to me. I can’t promise you that I’ll be able to stay here, but you have to promise me that you’re going to take care of Mommy. Okay?”
LL whined as he said, “No, Daddy. I want you to come back home. Daddy, I promise that I’ll be good if you come back home. I promise.”
LL was bringing tears to my eyes. For some reason I think that he felt as though he might have been the cause of the breakup. I had cried in front of him before, and there was no need for me to hide my tears from him at the moment. As I continued to hold him, I looked at him and I kissed him on his cheek. Through my tears I said, “Okay, LL, I’m gonna see what I can do.”
I put LL down, and I asked him where his mother was. He told me that she was in her room.
“LL, go to your room and turn on PlayStation. I have to speak to your mother, and then I’ll come to your room to play with you, okay?”
As I wiped my eyes with a piece of tissue, LL nodded, then he darted to his room.
Looking over the pile of bills that had come, I separated the overdue ones from those that didn’t have to be paid right away. While doing that, I contemplated what I was gonna say to Nicole. While I was thinking, I remembered my sister’s words, and at that moment, I said a short and quick prayer.
When the prayer was over, I put the bills on the table and proceeded to walk to my bedroom where my wife was. By this time, Nicole had to know that I was in the house. But I guess she figured I had only come to see LL, and therefore she probably didn’t want to interrupt our time together. As I approached the entrance of our bedroom, I could hear the sound of the television. I walked as quietly as I possibly could, then all at once I became very nervous. My heart started pounding, and I thought about just bypassing the bedroom altogether. Instinctively I knew that I had to at least say hello to Nicole.
I braced myself for the worst. As I stood at the entrance of the bedroom I saw Nicole sitting on the bed. Her back was cushioned by a pillow, and she was leaning against the headboard, and her legs were bent at her knees. Nicole looked as if she was reading something that related to her job.
In a shy, humble manner, I said, “Hello, Nikki.” My heart continued to race as I waited for a response.
Nicole looked up from the papers she had been reading. She slowly turned her head and looked my way. I wanted to cringe because I just felt so uncomfortable. There was a brief deafening moment of silence.
Then Nicole sort of mumbled the words, “How are you doing?”
Her words were followed by more deafening silence as she continued looking at whatever it was that she had been reading. Nicole could have just totally ignored me, but she didn’t, so I figured that we were at least still friends.
Still feeling extremely self-conscious, I took two cautious steps into the bedroom and I asked, “What are you reading? Is that something for work?”
Nicole was very cold and slow to respond, but she did reply, “Yeah, it’s for work.”
Realizing that after three weeks, I couldn’t just pop up and hold a conversation like things between us were normal, I shifted gears. “Nikki, I don’t know about you, but I feel extremely awkward, and just being around you is extremely difficult for me. I’m glad that you let me come see LL, and that’s why I came. I don’t want to interrupt you or upset you, but Nikki, I just want to say one thing.”
Nicole made sure to ignore me and not look in my direction.
“Nikki, please, can you just look at me?” Again, Nicole didn’t respond. So again I asked the same question, only this time I asked in a very meek manner. “Nikki, can you please look at me?”
Nicole pondered my request, and after thirty seconds or so, she looked my way. Nicole was still as pretty as ever. As I looked at her, I remembered Steve’s words and the words of so many other men, which were, “Why would I cheat on that?”
With Nicole’s attention, I said, “Nikki, I just want to tell you that whatever decision you choose to make concerning us, I just want you to know that I won’t try to fight it in court. Whatever you feel is best, that’s what I’ll abide by.” I paused, and a tear came to my eye. If this had been a movie, I would have won an award for Perfect Timing of a Tear. But this was no act. It was a real tear.
I continued, “But Nikki, I just want to beg you, and I ask you to please give me the chance to properly apologize to you.”
Nicole sucked her teeth, twisted her lips, and
looked away from me.
I quickly commented, “No. Nikki, please don’t brush me off like that. Please. See, what I’m talking about is me and you and a neutral third party sitting down so I can apologize to you and let you know some things about me that I never told you.”
Nicole sarcastically commented, “Yeah . . . um . . . I’m not sure, correct me if I’m wrong but I think we already did that about three weeks ago.”
“No, Nikki, come on, please. I’m serious. What I’m trying to say is what if we go through some sort of counseling session or something like that?”
Harshly, but in a subdued manner, Nicole responded, “Lance, listen, I went to school to learn how to counsel people. I am not going to spend money just so I can tell some therapist that my husband is a dog. What black people do you know who actually pay to go see a therapist? Now if you want to apologize, you can do that right now. We don’t need a marriage counselor.”
Nicole was still very bitter, and I completely understood. “Okay, Nikki, I didn’t come here to upset you. I just came here to see LL. But Nikki, believe me, all I want to do is apologize the right way. I feel that I at least owe that to you. To me that means more than just saying ‘I’m sorry.’ Again, I came tonight to spend time with LL, but right now I’m just asking you if I can come by tomorrow and apologize. Is that alright?”
Sounding kind of disgusted, Nicole replied, “Lance, just go see your son.”
I wanted to make sure that I was persistent, so I asked again, “Nikki, can I come by tomorrow and talk to you?”
I could hear the annoyance in Nicole’s voice as she said, “Lance, there’s no need for you to come here tomorrow with a rehearsed line of crap that you’ve had three weeks to make up. Now if you want to apologize like you say you do, you’re more than welcome to pick up a phone and call me. Honestly, just seeing your face makes me wanna just kill you.”
Working with what Nicole had given me to work with, I replied, “A’ight, so I’ll call you tomorrow.”