by Mark Anthony
I walked out of Nicole’s presence and made my way to LL’s room. Before I reached it, I paused and said another quick prayer. I needed God’s help so that I could block out the problems between Nicole and myself and focus solely on LL.
LL and I had a ball together. While we were playing video games, I marveled at his innocence, and I became envious of him. I thought about how I didn’t know what the future held in terms of a divorce and visitation rights and all that, but I was determined to make sure that LL maintained his innocence. I realized that the loss of youthful innocence is what helps breed dogism. I couldn’t wait until LL was old enough to understand things such as sexuality because I wanted to give him the proper perspective on that subject. Yeah, I was never taught how to deal with that subject, and it was my ignorance toward my healthy sexuality that probably led me to my doggist ways. Similar to the way ignorance of true love and humanity is the root of racism. As far as my immediate family, I was determined that the dogism was gonna end with me.
When it was time for me to leave, LL wept and pleaded for me to stay. It broke my heart to see him like that. Why did he have to suffer because of what I’d done?
As LL cried, I tried to persuade him to understand. “LL, I need you to stay here and protect Mommy, okay? I can’t stay with you, but I promise you I’m going to see you as much as I can. What I want you to do is go get your sword that you got from the circus and keep it by your bed. This way you can protect your mommy for me. Okay?”
With tears streaming from his eyes, LL did what I said.
When he returned with his sword, I instructed, “Now LL, go kiss your mommy good night—give her a kiss for me too—and after you do that, I want you to get ready for bed. You’re in kindergarten now so you have to be well rested for school.”
The saddest thing in the world was looking at LL as he walked off to kiss his mother good night.
As I drove back to Tiffany’s house, all I could picture was that toy sword in LL’s hand and him walking toward his mother’s room.
TWENTY-EIGHT
Tuesday afternoon when I got off work I headed to the supermarket and purchased about a hundred dollars worth of food for Tiffany’s house. Tiffany has such a good nature that she would easily let me stay in her house for as long as I wanted and not pay her a dime. I am not one to freeload, so buying food and paying for the phone bill was my way of earning my keep.
Somehow, with Toni three months pregnant, my marriage in shambles, and my son crying for his daddy, I found myself making the same stupid mistakes from the past. No, the mistakes didn’t have anything to do with Scarlet. I guess it was more subtle than that.
When I reached Tiffany’s house, I carried about three bags of groceries into the kitchen. Tiffany and a female friend of hers were in the living room discussing a few things. They saw that I was having trouble carrying the groceries, and they came to my aid. Being that there were about ten more bags in the car, they came outside and helped me with those as well.
I don’t know if it was because I hadn’t had sex in a month, or if it was because Tiffany’s friend was slammin’, but her friend instantly turned me on. When we were done carrying the groceries into the house, Tiffany introduced me. Her name was Naomi. Naomi was more bangin’ than Naomi Campbell. I have nothing against dark-skinned women, but I usually don’t find myself attracted to them. However, Naomi was dark-skinned, and she had it going on. Her body was on point, as was her hair, but I think it was her sexy lips that took the cake. Although I didn’t know her from Adam, I wanted to just walk up to her and slob her down right in front of Tiffany.
After we were introduced, Naomi remarked on how I looked so much like my sister. Tiffany replied that everyone who meets us always says the exact same thing. I, on the other hand, wasn’t trying to get into small talk. I held back no punches as I charmingly said, “Naomi, I’m not trying to be obnoxious or anything, but I just have to give you a compliment. You are a very, very gorgeous woman.”
Naomi smiled, and I know that she was a bit embarrassed as she thanked me for the compliment.
Tiffany looked at me with an annoyed expression, and she abruptly interrupted by saying, “Anyway! Um, Lance, Naomi and I have a project that we have to get done by tonight, so if you don’t mind, can you please give us some privacy?”
I complied with Tiffany’s wish and vanished to the bathroom. As I took a shower, I plotted as to how I was gonna make my next move on Naomi. I knew that I had scored with that compliment, so I just had to back it up with one more move, and I would be in there like swimwear. I thought about doing some pushups to get my muscles stimulated and perky, then all I would have to do was take my shower, wrap a towel around my waist, and accidentally but on purpose, walk into the living room and ask Tiffany if she wanted me to start cooking dinner. If Naomi were to see my sexy body still slightly wet from the shower, she would be salivating over me.
As I showered, I was thinking about Naomi. As I thought about her attractive attributes, I started receiving rushes of excitement. Then before I knew it—and thank God, ’cause it helped me to wise up—I felt as if a cinderblock had hit me square in the head.
I couldn’t believe that I had just flirted with another woman. What is wrong with me? I thought.
As if all that I’d been through wasn’t enough, here I was contemplating exacerbating the situation with another female. That little demon in my head was trying hard to convince me that I would soon be getting a divorce so it really wouldn’t matter if I kicked it to Naomi, but I decided to be wise, and I listened to the voice of the angel who told me that it wasn’t about being divorced. Rather, it was about exercising self-control, and if I knew what was good for me then I had better stay as far away from Naomi as possible.
Realizing how pitiful I was, I remembered to just pray. So right on the spot, with my body lathered in soap, I prayed for God to give me some self-control, which He did. When I was done washing the filth off my body and my soul, I headed straight toward Tiffany’s room where I changed my clothes. When I was done, I started watching game shows, but in the back of my mind I knew I had to call Nicole.
Without hesitation, I picked up the phone and dialed my home number. I didn’t know what I was gonna say, but I did know that I was just gonna shoot from the hip. I was prepared to lay out all of my dirty laundry for Nicole to see.
Nicole answered the phone and I said, “What’s up, Nikki?”
She obviously knew my voice, so she didn’t ask who was calling. She simply said, “Yeah.”
“Nikki, it’s me Lance.”
Nicole rudely blurted, “And?”
It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that Nicole really didn’t want to talk, but I was perfectly capable of mustering up enough things to say that didn’t need any responses from her.
“Nicole, I know that you don’t want to talk, but, please, just hear me out.” I paused, took a deep breath, and continued. “Nicole, I want to say that I’m terribly sorry for what I’ve done to you and LL. What I did was foolish, it was selfish, it was stupid, and it should never have happened. Nicole, I know I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you must feel, but believe me, I know that I hurt you very bad. And baby, I am sorry. What I’ve been doing in order to sympathize with you is I’ve put the shoe on my foot and wondered how I would feel or how I would have reacted if you told me that you had cheated and that you were carrying someone else’s baby. Nicole, I would be beyond devastated to say the least, and I know that you’re devastated.
“I’ve been praying that God can make this as easy on you as possible. Nicole, I know that things are over between us. I mean, even the Bible tells us that once the bond of marriage is broken due to adultery, then, and only then, is it justifiable and permissible to get a divorce. Baby, I wasn’t loyal to you, and yet you always treated me like a king. I just want you to know that now more than ever, I appreciate all we had. I appreciate all that you’ve done and all of the sacrifices you’ve made for the sake of
our marriage. Nicole, believe me when I say that I’ve put my mind through torment while trying to figure out a way to change the mistake I made. Unfortunately, I just can’t change it. I can’t change the past.
“Baby, yesterday you said something to the effect that I’ve had a lot of time to prepare a line of crap. But Nicole, listen, I’m not dropping a line of garbage to you. I just want to tell you some things that you never knew, things that might shed light on this entire mess.”
I took another deep breath, then I continued, “Nicole, ever since I was about ten or eleven years old, maybe even younger than that, I’ve been sneaking around and looking at anything that was pornographic. I started by finding my father’s dirty magazines, and as I got older, the VCR became a big thing, and I started sneaking and watching porno movies. Nicole, even as a kid I knew it was wrong but I loved it, and my mind, body, and soul craved it. It was like a drug. Looking at pornography gave me the biggest rush in the world. By the time I was eleven years old, I started masturbating. Nicole, forget about it. When I discovered masturbation, it was over. I became deeply addicted to it.
“Nicole, when I say addicted, I mean at thirteen years old I was masturbating as much as three times a day. I knew it was wrong, but I loved it. No one in my house knew what I was doing, and I figured that I wasn’t hurting anyone, so I kept doing it. As I got older, that same pattern continued. In fact, it intensified. I would try to go cold turkey and stop masturbating, but like an addict, I just couldn’t stop. I would go for a maximum of two weeks without doing it, but then I would be caught up right back into it.”
As I continued to explain my ordeal, I began to cry. Never before had I opened up and exposed myself to an adult in the manner in which I was now opening up. I was hoping that Tiffany didn’t walk into the room.
Through my pain and tears, I added, “Nicole, when I got older, things got much worse. I mean I started going to strip clubs and getting blow jobs from hookers and just wildin’ out. Baby, it hurts for me to even tell you all of this. I mean I never wanted to let anyone into this dark closet of mine. But baby, I now realize that because I’ve kept that closet closed for so long that it only made my problem intensify. Baby, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s just that I’m so messed up, and you never knew. . . .”
At that point, I broke down and started weeping harder. I’d finally broken through Nicole’s wall of defense as she said, “Lance, I believe you. Believe me I do, but why didn’t you ever tell me any of this? We’re married, Lance. We don’t have to hide things from each other, no matter how bad it may seem.”
I continued to cry as I explained, “Baby, you don’t know how shameful I’ve felt all of my life. I mean, it was only like a year ago when I realized that other people actually masturbate. Since I was young I’ve always felt so ashamed because I thought I was some kind of sexual freak or something. I mean masturbation and taboo things like that are something that people never discuss. And since it wasn’t ever being talked about, for like twenty-something years I felt as though only I had that problem.
“And baby, it even hurts me to tell you any of this. See, another reason I hid things from you was because I always knew that if I told you about my past that I would have to tell you everything.”
Nicole asked what I meant.
“See Nicole, we’ve been together for God knows how long. I mean we met in high school for crying out loud. I know that when we met we were both virgins and all that. And although we had sex before marriage, things were still special because neither you nor I had ever been with anyone else.”
I paused as more tears were shed, then I kept flowing with my history. “Nicole, what I meant by I would have to tell you everything is that I cheated on you before we were even married.”
In disbelief and astonishment, Nicole said, “What? Lance, how could you? I’ve been trying to handle this pregnancy thing, and you mean to tell me that this whole ordeal gets worse? Lance, what in the world did we ever have? It definitely wasn’t a marriage.”
As Nicole sighed, I could sense that she was getting ready to start crying. Before she broke down, I wanted to make sure I got everything I wanted to say off my chest.
“Nicole, I’m gonna let you speak, but please just let me finish. This is very hard for me, and I just want to get it all out. Nicole, we were young when we met, and we were young when we got married, but ever since I graduated from high school I’ve always had money and a nice car. Baby, back in the day, none of my friends were married or even thinking about settling down. They were all about hanging out, partying, and hoeing around. Now Nicole, I’m not saying that my friends made me do anything, but just being around them put me in situations where I met other women and things happened.”
Nicole was now crying, and at that point, she asked, “Lance, what kind of things?”
I sighed and said, “Nikki, I mean, well I’m sayin’, I had sex with like thirty different women before we got married.”
Nicole said in disbelief and through her tears, “Lance! Thirty? But we’ve been together since high school, so how, Lance? How?”
“Nikki, just hear me out. Like I said, I was young, I had money, and my mind was already screwed up sexually. I just went ahead and did stupid things. I’ve read many books, and I realize that pornography had my mind so screwed up that I was trying to live in the fantasy world that pornography portrays. See, baby, most people, especially women, have to connect emotionally before they can have sex with someone. But as for me, pornography had my head so screwed up that I lost all sense of the emotional connection that goes along with sex. For me, sex has always been purely physical. I didn’t love any of those women I had sex with. Nicole, I’ve always loved you and only you. See, pornography made sex seem so easy and harmless. With every porno movie that I watched, I would see women walk into a room, take off their clothes, and with no kind of attachment they would start getting it on with some nigga.
“Nicole, I tried my best to live out what I saw in those movies. The funny thing is that I didn’t even realize what I was doing. I mean, subconsciously I was making decisions based on sexual fantasies that I wanted to play out. Nicole, you just don’t know how bad it was, the struggle between wanting to do good and having evil right there tugging at me. It still is bad at times.”
Nicole, who had stopped crying but was still sniffling a little bit, asked, “Lance, before this chick Toni, did you ever cheat on me with anyone else during our marriage?”
“Nicole, no,” I immediately responded.
Nicole raised her voice as she demanded honesty. “Lance, tell me the truth. Did you?”
“Baby, no. I’m telling you the truth. I never cheated while we were married, not until Toni. Nicole, if I had done anything at all, I would tell you now. I wouldn’t hold anything back, not at this point.”
I could hear the pain in Nicole’s voice as she added, “Lance, I really can’t believe what you’re telling me. I mean with everything that has been going on, this is a lot to swallow. One thing I realize is that I’ve never known you, Mr. Lance Thomas. Who are you? I mean I’ve been in the same house with you, I went to school with you, I’ve eaten with you, I’ve slept with you, I’ve given birth to your son, but I still have never known who the hell you were. I thought I knew you, but I only knew the top layers of you. I now realize that I’ve never gotten inside you. And the funny thing is that I thought I knew you inside and out, but I didn’t. I don’t know . . . I mean . . . all I can say is that it’s sad, it’s really is sad to say, but you are good. I don’t know how you pulled it off for all this time. You must be two people ’cause I don’t know . . .”
“Nicole, let me say this, I know that I have a remarkable talent, remarkable, but at the same time horrible. That being that I can deceive anyone. I can do such a good job at it, that at times even I forget that I’m being deceptive. I have another ability to just block out my feelings. Like in the past when I cheated on you, I never consciously and deeply thought abou
t how you would feel. If I had, then I wouldn’t have been able to go through with my dirt. What I would do is I would always block the thought of you and LL out of my mind, and I would proceed to do that which I knew was wrong.”
When I was done speaking, Nicole didn’t say a word, she just blew some air into the phone.
“Nicole, it’s the same thing with God. I mean I love God and I love the church, but at the same time I would block out what was morally and spiritually correct and do that which I knew was wrong. Baby, it goes so much deeper than you could ever imagine. I mean, my sexuality is so jacked up that it’s like my every thought is of something sexual. I think about sex twenty-four-seven. If I see a woman’s toe, that can turn me on and spin me out of control—the slightest things are like poison to my mind. Nicole, all the working out and the weightlifting, that’s all done so that women will lust over me in the same way that I lust over them. Yo, Nicole, I laugh because back when that book and the movie was really popular, women would talk about waiting to exhale, but men are also waiting to exhale. I say that because, nine out of ten men are going through what I’ve been through. Maybe not on the same level as me, but most men have a screwed-up sexuality, and they aren’t letting anyone on to that fact.”
Nicole then sighed and asked, “So, Lance, what does all this mean?”
I answered, “Honey, I really don’t know what all this means, but I’ll tell you one thing. Right now I feel so light. For my entire life I’ve been carrying around so much baggage and guilt. The guilt always intensified as each day passed, and it just kept me seeking more and more immoral behavior so that I could sort of get high off it, but then, right after the high would wear off, the guilt would return. It was like a vicious cycle. But finally I’ve let it out. Finally I feel free. I still have sexual problems that I have to work out, but just knowing that I’ve opened up to someone, especially to you, is going to help me so much.”