Naked in Knightsbridge

by Schmidt, Nicky

  ‘Just wait one minute,’ Skuttle said and as if on cue, Mel sauntered in.

  ‘Hello Mr Ryan, I’m terribly sorry to have kept you waiting but I ran into a spot of traffic on the way over,’ she said, before she realised who else was in the room with her. And that Mr Ryan was Skuttle the hobo.

  ‘Not at all, Miss Smythe-Brooks. I was just entertaining some friends with whom I believe you are acquainted.’ Skuttle stood and held out a chair for her.

  Mel looked around the office. Her eyes went from Jools to Rodney and then back to Skuttle.

  ‘Is this some kind of horrible joke?’ Mel asked.

  ‘Not at all. It’s quite serious and now that we’re all here, I’ll explain,’ Skuttle said.

  ‘Too bloody right you’ll explain, Skuttle,’ Rodney shouted.

  ‘Stop!’ Jools said, breaking in. ‘How do you know his name? Do you two know each other?’ She couldn’t imagine how plastic Rodney might have crossed paths with grotty Skuttle.

  Skuttle nodded. ‘We went to boarding school together, Jools. Rodney came up with my nickname himself.’

  ‘The old boy was a master at skittles,’ Rodney said. ‘And as you know, ‘skuttle’ is the past tense of ‘skittle’, very clever, I thought . . .’

  Jools rolled her eyes. ‘And Mel? How do you know Mel?’ she asked Skuttle, interrupting Rodney’s reverie.

  ‘I saw her with you at that coffee shop you’re both so fond of, found out she was a lawyer and retained her services (by phone, of course) for help with some of my, er, new homeless pals.’

  Jools looked around at the faces in front of her. Tears pushed at her eyes. ‘You all think this is funny, don’t you? This is a conspiracy, isn’t it? To make me feel worse than I already do. Is that it? You’re all in this together?’

  ‘I had no idea you were acquainted with Skuttle,’ Rodney said. ‘I’m just as much in the dark as you are, Jools.’

  ‘Me too,’ Mel said. ‘This is the last time I accept a brief over the phone.’

  Skuttle sighed. ‘I didn’t want to make you angry, Jools. I just wanted to help.’ He put a soft hand on her arm and looked around the room. ‘Let me shed some light on this for all of you. The first thing you need to know is that I’m actually quite wealthy.’

  ‘You’re a bit more than ‘wealthy’.’ Rodney sank onto a grotty sofa and looked around with distaste. ‘More money than Bill Gates, on a good day.’

  Jools’ head was spinning. ‘Then why the hell did you pretend to be a hobo?’

  ‘I wanted to find someone to love me for me,’ he said, as if it were the most natural answer in the world.

  Mel and Rodney laughed meanly.

  ‘Come off it, old boy, you just like to drink,’ said Rodney. ‘At school, you put vodka in your ink pens and sucked them dry in Ancient Greek.’

  Mel added: ‘Besides, there are dating services for rich men like you. Plenty of psychiatrists too.’

  But Skuttle wasn’t laughing. ‘Do you have any idea how many of those I’ve tried? Not the shrinks, the dating agencies.’

  Mel shrugged.

  ‘I don’t have any trouble meeting women, Mel; I have trouble meeting women who are interested in me for anything other than my money. Online dating hasn’t helped me. As soon as they find out who I am and what I’m worth it’s the same thing. I can smell a gold digger from a mile away and I’m simply not interested in a loveless marriage.’

  His words stung. Jools was suddenly ashamed of her willingness to engage in a sham marriage in exchange for a comfortable existence.

  ‘Poor Skuttle. You’ve never been the best-looking bloke, have you? I guess with looks like yours, you need to do what you can.’ Rodney preened, proud of his own good sharp features and smooth skin.

  Jools turned and shot him an angry glance. ‘I’ve always thought he was gorgeous,’ she said, forgetting for a moment her Skuttle wasn’t the same man she thought he was.

  ‘Yeah, she has. She’s crazy.’ Mel looked over at her client. ‘No offense.’

  But Skuttle was beaming. ‘You did?’ he asked, his blue-grey eyes searching Jools’.

  Transfixed by Skuttle’s eyes, she could only nod.

  ‘But why a hobo?’ asked Rodney. ‘Why not just pretend to be an ordinary guy? Did you really need to sink so low?’ He shuddered just thinking about living anywhere other than Zone 1.

  Jools would have loved to slap Rodney for being so condescending, but how could she expect him to understand given his own dysfunctional past?

  Even so, she admired Skuttle’s brave move to leave all his riches and comforts behind to find love.

  ‘I just needed to get away,’ Skuttle said, ‘away from money and privilege. To disappear, and see if I could manage without the cushion of wealth that’s been there all my life. To see if there was a woman out there who liked the real me. If I could find someone who cared about Skuttle the hobo, I’d know I’d found a real gem.’ He smiled gently at Jools.

  Rodney and Mel sat, baffled, as if Skuttle had just told them he wanted to start an ant colony on the moon. The expressions on their faces said that on a scale of one to mad, they thought he was insane.

  ‘So when I met Jools . . . ’ Skuttle smiled again and raised an eyebrow.

  Jools felt her neck get hot and she started to sweat. This couldn’t be happening. Where were the hidden cameramen? When would the white-toothed host pop out and scream ‘Gotcha!’? She was starting to think poor Skuttle really was nuts.

  ‘Jools,’ Skuttle said, ‘I fell in love with you instantly. You’re so down-to-earth, so open and generous. I know you’ve made a few mistakes, but we’re all human, right?’

  ‘Yeah, but mine were huge,’ Jools said, still unable to believe Skuttle was serious.

  ‘That’s for sure,’ mumbled Rodney.

  ‘I don’t care.’ Skuttle’s eyes were trained on her. ‘I love you anyway. When you came to live with me, I wondered if you’d turn out to be crazy after all. But the more I saw, the more I liked – loved. I just loved you more and more.’

  The pieces started clicking into place in Jools’ mind. The laptops, the phone line . . . the Hermes handkerchief.

  Skuttle was telling the truth.

  He laughed. ‘That computer was brand new, but I had to scuff it up so that you wouldn’t wonder where I’d got the money to buy it. I made sure the squat, as dingy as it was, had everything you’d need to feel comfortable. I did it all for you. And then you left.

  ‘I knew you were up to something online. When I saw the newspapers and how they were making your life hell, I wanted to go and get you. And when you came to me, all upset, you told me you loved Rodney. I didn’t want to press you to leave.’

  ‘You always were a gentleman, Skuttle,’ Rodney said sarcastically.

  Skuttle ignored him. ‘But when you showed up at the bus station today and you offered to help me even though you don’t have much yourself, I knew I had to be honest with you. You seemed so happy to see me again.’

  ‘I was,’ Jools said. ‘I mean, I am.’

  ‘I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you, Jools. I just needed to feel certain that you were the one.’ As he leaned in closer, she took a deep breath of that delicious-smelling aftershave. ‘And you are, Jools. You are the one.’

  ‘Oh, come on!’ Mel shook her head, arms folded across her chest. ‘You can’t be serious. First of all, you can never be sure someone is ‘the one’.’ Mel had her lawyer voice on again. ‘Furthermore, you’ve spent the past few weeks lying to Jools about your true identity. Why should she believe you now?’

  She grabbed Jools’ arm. ‘You’re not buying any of this, are you? For God’s sake, grow up.’

  Jools leaped up. ‘Why shouldn’t I believe him? How is this any different to you believing everything that comes out of that fake Frenchie’s mouth? Even over your own best friend!’

  ‘Michel strayed once, Jools! Once. And we’re working through it.’

  Rodney let out a puff of air. ‘Yeah
, right,’ he muttered.

  Mel turned toward him. ‘What was that?’ Her voice was like steel.

  Rodney’s face twitched with anger. ‘I said, yeah, right! That man is a born and bred cheater.’ His cheeks were red.

  ‘How would you know?’ Mel matched the anger in his voice.

  ‘Because he cheated on me, too!’ Rodney screamed.

  ‘What?’

  ‘He’s gay, or bi, or . . . I’m so sorry,’ Jools tried to say the words (as gross as they were), gently.

  ‘I don’t believe you!’

  ‘I’ve got a number of DVDs you could borrow,’ said Rodney helpfully.

  Mel collapsed into the chair and covered her face with her hands. Jools went over and threw her arms around her, whilst Rodney continued his tale of woe.

  ‘He cheated on me with the owner of some restaurant in Islington. Apparently, he has a yacht and a flat at Sandbanks.’ Rodney looked furious at the thought of anyone matching his wealth.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ Mel tear-stained pixie face looked up at Jools. ‘I should have listened to you. I just didn’t want to.’

  ‘It’s alright,’ Jools said. ‘I just want you to be with someone who deserves you.’

  Skuttle reached into his desk and pulled out a large cheque book. He sat down and started writing.

  ‘I have a rough estimate of what Jools owes you, Rod. The tabloids have been very thorough with their details. But please, if the amount is not sufficient, do let me know.’ Skuttle ripped the cheque out of the book and handed it to Rodney.

  ‘Yes, that looks about right,’ Rodney said.

  ‘How much has he given you?’ Jools leaned over and Rodney tried to hide the amount, but she saw the six figures.

  ‘£100,000! Skuttle, that’s way too much!’

  But Skuttle just shrugged. ‘It’s nothing to me. Let him have it.’

  ‘Sporting of you, mate.’ Rodney tucked the cheque into his pocket, dreaming of all the leather accoutrements he would treat himself to. ‘Now, if you don’t mind, I’m off. There’s a meeting with the council. If I’m late Mrs Pho will have my head on a platter.’

  ‘Goodbye, Jools.’ Rodney held out his hand formally. ‘I certainly won’t forget you.’ A mirthless grin twisted his lips.

  Jools touched his cold fingers with distaste. God, she was glad that chapter in her life was closed. She wouldn’t even miss the doughnuts and cupcakes. No, she was a tried and true HobNobs girl, and she wouldn’t forget it.

  Skuttle shifted in his chair to be closer to Jools.

  ‘Would you like me to give you two some time alone?’ Mel asked, edging towards the door.

  ‘No, stay, please,’ Skuttle said. ‘You’re one of the most important people in Jools’ life. Whatever I say to her, I can say in front of you.’

  Mel smiled. ‘Thank you, Skuttle.’ She turned to Jools. ‘I think you may have finally found a good one here. About time.’

  ‘I told you so,’ Jools said, smiling.

  Skuttle reached out and took Jools’ hands in his. She couldn’t quite work up the nerve to make eye contact with him so she stared at her feet, which were encased in the only decent shoes she had managed to get past Rodney, peep toe Manolos.

  ‘I love you, Jools. I want to be with you, by your side, and in your life.’

  It was what she’d longed to hear from, well, anyone. But now that she’d heard it, she wasn’t sure. ‘I don’t know, Skuttle. I think I might love you. But I need to get my life together. And I need to do it on my own this time.’

  ‘Jools, I understand that. I’ll give you whatever space you need to do it.’

  Jools raised her eyes to meet his. ‘It’s not just that. I need to be sure who you really are. I’ve been so wrong before,’ she added, remembering how she’d thought Rodney was such a nice guy.

  This time she was going to do things right.

  ‘How do I know that the Skuttle I’ve fallen for is the real Skuttle? I mean, Skuttle with money is bound to be completely different.’

  ‘I think you’d be surprised,’ he said, smiling. ‘I still like hanging about in parks at night.’

  Jools was silent. It was a lot to process.

  ‘How about we start with dinner? No need to worry about all the big stuff now. We’ll figure it out.’

  Oddly, Jools wasn’t hungry. Instead, her stomach was full of butterflies. ‘Yes,’ she said anyway. ‘Dinner sounds good.’

  Skuttle beamed. ‘Brilliant. Do you have your passport handy?’

  ‘Why on earth would I need my passport for dinner?’ Jools asked, chuckling.

  He was still the same. Crazy.

  ‘We’re having dinner in New York. I made reservations at Nobu and my private jet is standing by at Heathrow.’

  ‘You want to fly to New York? Right now?’

  ‘Well, yes. But only if you want to.’ For a second, Skuttle looked nervous.

  ‘Actually, do you mind if we just go to Mama Blue’s?’ asked Jools. She’d had enough of fancy dinners, or fancy anything, for a while. Just the thought of the familiar grotty café comforted her, and that whipped cream on toast combo had been surprisingly good.

  Skuttle nodded. ‘Whatever you like. New York will always be there for you when you’re ready.’

  Besides, as she looked over at her rather forlorn friend, Jools realised that she couldn’t abandon Mel, not even for Skuttle. ‘Could Mel come?’ she asked.

  ‘Of course. Wouldn’t dream of heading to your favourite hangout without her!’ He turned to Mel. ‘Do us a favour and go tell my man Harry to have the car pulled around. He’s right out front.’

  ‘He might be a looker,’ added Jools, but Mel just sighed and marched briskly to the door.

  ‘So you don’t hate me for lying?’ Skuttle asked once Mel had gone.

  ‘No. How could I? You know what they say about people in glass houses . . .’

  Skuttle grinned. ‘They pay a fortune in curtains?’

  She punched him playfully.

  ‘But there is one more thing we need to discuss before we head out.’

  Jools was immediately despondent. It had seemed too good to be true.

  Maybe this was the part where the hidden cameraman leaped out?

  ‘I just want you to know that you’ll never hear from that sicko Niles again.’

  ‘You’ve met him?’

  ‘Had him followed the moment I caught him in a tree outside your apartment.’

  Jools breathed a huge sigh of relief. ‘What happened to him?’ Hopefully someone had tied him to a tree and graffitied him with Marmite at the very least.

  Skuttle shook his head. ‘You don’t need to know. All that’s important is he’ll never bother you again. Or that guy he pretended to be. Brad Brown?’

  ‘Niles was Brad Brown?’ Jools felt more than a little disappointed that the hunky American who had kept her spirits alive all that time was nasty little Niles.

  ‘He needs medication of some sort, that’s for sure.’

  ‘Car’s here!’ Mel called.

  ‘Wait a minute.’ Jools looked down at herself. ‘Maybe I should get changed? I can’t go in your fancy car looking like this!’

  ‘Jools, I think you look beautiful no matter what you’re wearing. But I have these just in case.’ And he pulled out her suit and bag from miSell.

  ‘You bought them?’ Jools couldn’t believe it.

  ‘I was worried about you, especially when you went to work for Rocco.’

  Jools looked at him sternly. ‘I hope you’re not some crazy stalker like Niles, Skuttle.’

  ‘No, Jools, I am just a hobo. And no one notices a hobo. No one but you.’

  Jools smiled shyly and took his hand. ‘And I’m so glad you did.’

  As they stared into each other’s eyes, Mel made fake puking noises behind them. ‘Come on, I’m going to be sick if you two don’t stop it!’

  Jools reached out and grabbed Mel’s hand and the three of them walked out of the office, through th
e bus garage and to the large black Bentley that was idling at the curb.

  Mel crawled into the front seat beside Skuttle’s handsome driver. ‘Why, hello there!’ she crooned, turning to wink at Jools. The spell of Michel Matthews might have finally been broken.

  Skuttle and Jools climbed into the back. He put his arm around Jools and pulled her close. She leaned her head on his chest. The fabric felt strange and foreign, but as soon as he touched her cheek she felt at ease.

  No more lying. No more pretending. Jools would face life head on, make her own luck. Taking short-cuts was never worth it – as she’d discovered the hard way.

  She smiled up at Skuttle and sighed in contentment as he stroked her hair. Right now, she wanted to savour every delicious moment.

  Even HobNobs couldn’t compare to this.

  THE END

  COMING SOON ON KINDLE FROM NICKY SCHMIDT IN 2010 and 2011