“I was pregnant,” I let it slip out in between his last rant and the next one, which I knew was about to happen.
He just stared at me, eyes wide. I could see the pain in them. For me maybe. For Con? I didn’t know. He didn’t say anything and so neither did I. After a few minutes it appeared he wasn’t going to say anything. So I tried.
“When I started on my first leg of this trip, I was in Spain as you know. About a week after I left I kept feeling sick. Nothing major. I wasn’t worried, I never saw it coming. After throwing up for three days in a row, I went to the doctor. Luckily he spoke very good English, because, let’s be honest I wasn’t going to have any idea of what he was saying otherwise. He asked me when my last, you know, period was? I counted back and realised what he was saying. He asked me to pee and tested it, and that was that.” I stopped and realised maybe the peeing thing was too much information for him. I smiled internally, grateful that I could still find things that amuse me.
“What? Why? How? Why didn’t you tell us? Wait, hold up it was Con who got you preggers, right?”
“Of course! What are you trying to say, Saul?” I was annoyed, he was just looking out for his best friend, but Saul had known me for years. He knew I was not a cheat.
“It wasn’t me who cheated, remember!” I snapped.
“He didn’t cheat either, Pea, but you need to listen so I can sort this mess out. Then you can get back together and be—”
“Stop, Saul,” I interrupted him and his head snapped back from the door where he had been staring.
“Fuck Pea! You stop!” A look of annoyance crossed his face. “I’m sick of you shutting us all out. I thought you needed space, needed to get your head clear. I thought you’d been with Con long enough to at least give him a chance to defend himself. Shit!” he was shouting at me now.
I just stared at him. I was numb and I couldn’t feel anything. I felt like all my emotions seeped out when everything else did. Left my useless body. My shell.
“Pea, aren’t you going to say something? I mean Con doesn’t know. I know he doesn’t or he would have told me.”
“No, you’re right. I haven’t told Con and I don’t intend to. It’s not his business anymore.” I realised how cold I must’ve sounded.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, Pea?” Saul shouted.
I didn’t think about the hotel, the neighbouring rooms, occupants, Soph or anything else, something just snapped.
“I LOST A FUCKING BABY, SAUL, THAT’S WHATS WRONG WITH ME!” I bellowed. I literally screamed in his face. I didn’t know that kind of noise was even possible coming from me. I got up to leave the room. I needed to get away. I needed to not talk to him, not drag things up, past or present. As I stormed to the door I spun around. “Actually, there is a correction to make to that statement,” I said through clenched teeth. Saul just stared at me with his mouth agape.
I lost two babies, not one!”
Saul’s eyes widened and I felt a single tear slide down my face. I turned and ran through the door before he said anything else. I felt like I was always running.
Snapping back I hear… click, click. It’s Soph snapping her fingers.
“Where were you? You do that so often that sometimes it scares me. I wonder whether one day you might not come back from your dream world,” Soph says softly to me.
I look over at her, sadness mars her beautiful face.
“You can’t get rid of me that easily.” I try to make a joke, but there’s no humour in my voice.
“I’ll tell you what, how about I cook for you tonight?” Soph tilts her head sideways waiting for my answer.
“How about we do it together?” I counter, not sure I want to eat her signature dish, Salmon and vegetables yet again. I mean, I understand as a model she needs to keep her figure trim, but I’m not a model and I like chocolate cake and real food.
She smiles and we move to the kitchen.
When my grandma passed I kept the house. Lucky really, that the mortgage was paid for or I’d never have been able to stay. This house is a three-bedroomed detached house on the outskirts of London. If my grandma hadn’t lived here her whole life it would never have been affordable. I have a constant stream of letters from estate agents wanting me to sell, telling me they have clients lined up to buy my home. Well, they can sit and swivel. I’ll get five hundred cats and live here till I die, just to aggravate them all. God, I’m in such a petulant mood!
I look around the kitchen. It’s farm-style, with a deep white basin. Above it sits a sash window and white curtains with pretty pink and green dragonflies. It’s an unusually big room, enough space for an AGA cooker, a wooden dining table that sits eight people and a wooden dresser which still houses all the china pieces that she loved. I wonder if the other houses in the street had kitchen’s this big, or if they’d all been modelled and remodelled until they were no longer recognisable as what they once were?
I realise these days people need more space for families, but it’d only really ever been Gran and me, so there had never been a need for any remodelling.
I couldn’t imagine changing it. She loved this room and was always in here baking. That’s probably why I’ll always love chocolate cake, nobody can make it like she did.
No one.
She loved me enough to give me something to treasure, something that she gave me in droves, and enveloped me in.
Love and safety.
That’s what she gave me when she left this place to me.
Her… that’s what I felt when I was home.
“Okay, what do you say we cook Shepherd’s Pie?” I ask already knowing her answer.
She wrinkles her nose. “Yeah. Erm… I’m going to go with a no.”
“Have you got a counter-offer, Miss Rawlings?” I arch my eyebrow waiting to see what she’ll say. It was a common thing for us when we ate at each other’s homes that we would negotiate until we agreed on food.
“How about barbecue chicken and salad?”
“How about barbecue chicken and rice?”
“Well, what about barbecue chicken and rice salad?” Soph gave me a hopeful look.
“Okay Soph, I can live with that. Anyway I have some chocolate muffins I baked earlier for after dinner.” I know I have an evil grin on my face when I say it. Soph can’t resist my chocolate muffins and I made them exactly for that reason. I had a feeling she would be around tonight.
It’s October 14th, which is the date Con and I got together… our anniversary. I’m not sure if it’s strange that I still think of it that way after all these years, is it? It would’ve been ten years today, had we stayed together. We probably would’ve been married, maybe even had kids.
Kids. The thought slams into my chest like a truck.
I close my eyes and take a couple of deep breaths. In through my nose and out through my mouth. Repeat. And again. When I open my eyes, Soph is staring at me.
“Just had a moment. I’m over it,” I say with a watery smile.
“Call him,” Soph urges.
“No,” I shoot back.
“Why not?”
“I don’t even have his number.” I realise I sound petulant again.
“For fuck’s sake Pea, you have his mobile.” Soph was getting stressed with me now. I can’t blame her, I know when it came to my hang-ups I’m tough to take.
“If he’d wanted to speak to me he would’ve called me, Soph. He hasn’t. So he doesn’t.”
Silence ensues and I turn to make a start on the chicken. Soph harrumphs and starts on the rice salad.
I knew we’d be fine by the time dinner was ready to eat. But I understand her annoyance. Not speaking to Con was killing me, if I was honest. Every day I hurt. Every day I felt a little more lost and alone. Every day I wondered if I’d done the right thing shutting him out for all these years. At least romantically.
I knew he hadn’t cheated. I’ve known that fact for six years. My mind wonders as I remember what had happened…
Walking into the hotel bar in the early afternoon was not unusual while on holiday, so nobody batted an eyelid. Even when I ordered a vodka tonic, I looked around and saw the happy faces. Everyone having a whale of a time whilst on their holidays. Not suffering because they felt like their world had been ripped out from under them. No.
That would just be me then.
I was onto my third drink when Saul appeared.
“I’m sorry. Truly.”
I raised my glass to him in celebration of his apology. Maybe I was getting a little tipsy too.
“Pea, listen to me, I didn’t mean to get angry or shout. You know that’s not me,” Saul pleaded.
“I never told him, Saul. That’s one of the things I regret.”
“Don’t! Feel bad, that is.”
“I figured it would be easier to keep it from him. No sense in upsetting him too. Not when I’m so broken that I can’t even keep his babies safe.”
Saul caught me as I crumpled and lifted me into his arms.
“It’s okay,” I heard him say to someone.
“She’s just had a bit too much, I’m going to take her to our room.”
“Pfft, our room? Ha, ha, Saul, you want me? You know I’m broken.”
“Shhh Pea. Just keep quiet until I get us to my room.”
“Why? What you gonna do wiff me?” I was starting to slur and I knew what was happening, but I couldn’t stop myself.
“Pea, you’re breaking my heart,” Saul sounded hurt. I could also hear a lock clicking. Wow! We’ve already been in the elevator and I didn’t even notice?
“I’m going to put you on the bed while I turn on the shower. I think you could do with freshening up.”
“Are you going to get in wiff me?”
Saul turned and looked at me. “Pea, tomorrow you are going to be really embarrassed about how you’re acting. I’m going to sort out your shower then you’re going to clean up, and hopefully sleep through the night. Even though it’s only just after 3:00 p.m. now. Then tomorrow, we’ll talk and get some things cleared up.”
The next thing I remembered it was daylight and I was lying in Saul’s bed while he snored in the chair by the window.
As I sat up he stirred, and opened his eyes and looked around until they landed on me,
“How are you doing this morning, Pea?” he asked with a sleepy voice.
“I don’t remember anything past you turning on the shower, but for what I do remember prior to that, I’m truly very sorry,” I answered.
“Don’t Pea, just don’t. Shit!” he scrubbed his hand down his face.
“You should’ve talked to us… to him. He would’ve been there for you. You can’t honestly believe that he cheated on you, surely?” he looks exasperated.
“Saul, when I first saw him in that bed, with that skank, I believed unequivocally that he had cheated on me. When he kept calling me for days after, I still believed he had cheated. When I found out I was pregnant I wanted to call him, both you and Soph had been saying he hadn’t done anything, and after finding out I was pregnant none of the stupidness seemed important or appropriate anymore. I sat down and thought about it all and knew, KNEW, that he wouldn’t do that to me. I decided to call him, but after everything that had happened I was scared. It had, by this point, been a little over eight weeks since I found out I was pregnant and about eleven weeks since I found him in bed with THAT woman. I’d just had my scan which showed that not only was I around fourteen weeks pregnant, but I was also carrying twins. I realised I needed to tell him. He had a right to know, and that I needed to hear what had happened. However painful that was going to be, so I could sort out my head and try to move forward. Maybe even together.” I took a steadying breath, trying to process everything I’d just told him. More than I’d shared with anyone. Releasing all this to someone else was helping somewhat.
“So why the fuck haven’t you spoken to him?” I could hear the disappointment and anger inflection in his voice.
“Because two days later, I lost them.” I felt a tear slip down my cheek.
“Oh babe,” Saul replied and crushed me to him in a hug, squeezing me for all he was worth. “Just to say, just to clear it up, that woman that was in Con’s bed. Total misunderstanding.” I started sobbing at this point, letting it all flow freely, but I couldn’t say anything.
“She was a lesbian.” I jerked in Saul’s arms. “She was partying as were we all. Con went to bed around 2:00 a.m. I remember because we were chatting in the kitchen about Soph’s hook up, and he said he was hitting the sack. I was going to give him shit about it, but then I looked to the time and was shocked at how late it was.”
He took a breath and looked down at me. “Kate… that was the woman’s name. She was still up partying until around 4:00 a.m., I know that because she was arguing with her girlfriend, Jodie, who stormed out, and I was worried about the police turning up with all the commotion.” He wiped a tear away from my cheek. “Anyway, Kate disappeared. I didn’t know who it was in his bed that morning when you were there, I couldn’t see, not until you’d already left and I was about to kick Con’s arse.” At this, I looked up at him and gave him a small smile. We both knew he’d never be able to kick Con’s arse. Con’s been kickboxing since I could remember, and although Saul does train with him, he’d never been at the same level.
Saul looked at me with a playful scowl. “Hey, it could happen! Especially when I’m as angry as I was that morning.”
I smiled wide and felt blessed that I had people who loved me so fiercely.
“Anyway Con was pissed himself. At first thinking someone was trying to split you two up again, but Kate hadn’t even realised he was in the bed. It was pitch black when she went in there, and to be fair I think she was drunk anyway, so I doubt she would’ve even realised. Her girlfriend, Jodie, turned up about forty-five minutes later and they rode off into the sunset, literally, Jodie has a Harley,” he snickered at me and I rolled my eyes.
I knew that Con didn’t hurt me. He didn’t let me down, but I let him down, firstly by leaving even though I hadn’t given him the chance to explain, which if the roles were reversed would’ve shattered me and then more importantly, by not keeping his babies safe. I closed my eyes and felt, empty, nothing. I was void of all feeling.
Saul wrapped his love around me and held me tight. I had to believe things would get better. I had to believe I could rebuild my life.
Blinking away the past, I glance over at Soph, wondering if I should’ve told her everything all those years ago. Then I remember how my problems ultimately lead to Saul being where he is today, and decide I did the right thing not telling her. I still feel guilt though, for both her and Con… for not being honest, and I know, at least for the past few months, my closed off attitude on things has put a wedge in our friendships. I just hope we can sort through it.
For tonight though, I’m going to make a point of eating, drinking and laughing with Soph. She seems to feel the same and so that’s what we’ll do all night.
When she’s getting ready to leave she hugs me again and looks at me in the eyes. “You know you can always talk to me, right?” she asks.
“Of course, Soph.”
“Okay, as long as you do. I know I’m flighty. I know everyone thinks I can’t keep secrets, but Pea, when they’re important I can keep them. From everyone. I’m always here. I’m not him, but I am here.”
I grab her and give her a hug. “I love you, Sophie Rawlings.”
I can see the water welling her eyes at my unexpected show of emotions. “Swear on red lightnings?” she asks with a glint in her eye.
Red lightnings were my old roller skates. I loved them. I didn’t let anyone use them. They were red with a silver lightning stripe. It was what we said when we were younger. Her swear was her Barbie Dream House.
“Swear on red lightnings,” I whisper.
Once she left, I popped some logs in the fireplace, moved to the sofa and got my Kindle and Mr. Alpha out to read.
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After a nice peaceful evening with Mr. Alpha, I close my Kindle and head to bed. Lying down on my freshly made crispy sheets, I hear a ping. Reaching across to the bedside table I pick up my phone and swipe to read the message.
Con: Happy 14th October. I don’t regret a second.
I stare at my phone, trying to decide whether to reply and what to say. Then my phone pings again, alerting me to another message.
Con: Please don’t text back.
I read and re-read the text about five times and then burst into tears and cry myself to sleep.
I look out of the huge window, staring at all the people walking the streets, going about their business. It’s not their life that’s altering, right at this very moment, everything they know changing forever.
I’m not sure anymore whose fault it is.
The apartment that’s been rented for me by the newspaper is massive, luxurious and obviously expensive. I should be enjoying my time here. Should be out every night, meeting new people, having parties and generally being a single guy. Instead, what am I doing? Being a pussy. That’s what.
I sat on the sofa all day yesterday, leaning forward with my elbows on my knees. I practically stayed like that all day. A bottle of Jack in my hand. Hell, the only time I did move was to take a swig.
I knew yesterday was the anniversary of us.
Pea and me.
Yeah. What a joke!
We were supposed to be indestructible. Friends first. Trusting and loving. I was the one she was supposed to come to, to talk to, to be honest with. Instead, I’m the one she keeps everything from. Never really opening herself up to me like she did before we had that incident with the lesbian in my bed.
Love Reflection (Entwined Hearts #1) Page 6