I always thought we could get through anything. I was kidding myself. She’s so wrapped up in everything, that she can’t see past what’s in her head. The Saul accident has just made her worse. She had already pulled away from me and Soph, but at least she still spoke to Saul, even if it did seem tense at times. Now, without him? Well, now, she’s like a shell. What with her grams passing a few months ago. I guess I always thought I could get her back. Get through to her somehow. Make her see herself… me… everything, as I see it.
I know now I was kidding myself and it’s time to wake up. I feel like she’s crying out for me to save her, but she won’t let me. If I don’t pull back soon, there’ll be nothing left inside me anymore. Then I’ll need saving, and there’s nobody to do that.
That’s why I decided to send that text last night. I wanted her to know I was thinking about her, but I also needed closure. I need all my lingering thoughts of her to go. I need to be free. So I sent the text. Then drank the rest of the bottle of Jack and passed out.
Now I’m standing watching the world go by wondering if I did the right thing. Everything is her. She haunts me. I needed this space to heal, and now I’m wondering if I’ll ever feel whole again. The idea of not having her in my life anymore makes me want to punch the wall, repeatedly. I shake my head, as though by doing that I’ll be able to clear the thoughts.
The intercom buzzes, letting me know the car is here to take me to meet the guys at the local bar. Time for some food and some drink. Anything to forget. I stare down at myself, making sure I look presentable. I barely remember what I’ve done today, so I’m pleased to see I have fresh clothes on which includes black jeans, black biker boots and a dark grey Henley. That must mean I had a shower, although I can’t remember much past the last forty-five minutes, which I spent staring out the window. I grab my keys, wallet and phone, slam the door shut and jog down the stairwell.
The one thing I love most about this building in the gym in the basement. I’m sure I’ve spent nearly every spare moment in there since I arrived. I’ve been meaning to find a local kickboxing class to join. Just to keep myself fresh. Until then, I keep myself fit in the gym and when I haven’t had time to get to the gym I jog down the stairs. However, seeing as I don’t want to arrive at the bar a sweaty mess I stop ten floors down and take the lift.
When stepping out of the stairwell, panting slightly, I smile at a petite brunette who’s waiting for the lift too. She must only be about five-foot-three, her brown hair is slightly wavy and she’s wearing skin tight blue jeans with some kind of floaty green top that seems to flap about everywhere, but clings to her breasts, showing off how large they are. I realise I’m looking at her tits, so I quickly avert my eyes making sure to look at her face. She’s smiling at me. Strange. She must’ve known I was looking at her inappropriately, still, she doesn’t seem to mind.
“Hey, you all right?” I ask and watch her eyes widen and then light with fire. I know that look, I’ve gotten it a lot since I moved over here. American women seem to love the British accent.
“Hi there, love the accent,” she purrs.
“Thanks,” I smirk, knowing what she wants. Yeah, so that might make me a jerk, but being the good guy didn’t get me where I want to be. Although, I was only ever the ‘good guy’ with Pea.
“Okay, so I’m just going to throw this out there. Why did you come out of the stairwell?” she questions just as the elevator chimes and we get on. She presses the ground floor button and the doors close.
I chuckle and answer, “Trying to keep fit. I don’t think I’ll get time to swing by the gym today and so thought I’d run down the stairs. However, I could only manage ten flights unless I want to be a sweaty mess.” I wink and notice again her eyes assessing me.
“So, you’re on the top floor, huh? I mean assuming you do live here and you aren’t just visiting?”
“Yeah, I live up there,” I say and watch as something works behind her eyes.
“Hmm, I’m surprised. I haven’t seen you at the gym. We must miss each other.”
I look her over, she doesn’t look like a gym bunny. Don’t get me wrong I’m not bothered about a woman’s figure. I mean I don’t tend to like the gym bunnies as they often have a straight up and down body or are very slim, and that’s just not my thing. I prefer the hourglass figure, you know, the Marilyn Monroe, Diana Dors type. I think most men do. Although that doesn’t mean I don’t try other types on for size, I don’t discriminate.
“Yeah, I’ll have to look out for you,” I reply and this obviously pleases her because a smile spreads across her face and her cheeks pink, which makes her much more attractive than the brazen, obvious woman I’d previously encountered. I like to chase, I don’t like to be the target.
We reach the ground floor and the doors open. As we exit she turns to me, with a seductive grin and says, “I’m Libby.”
I hold out my hand and when she grasps it I say, “Con, nice to meet you, Libby.” I pull my hand away and make my way out to the waiting car and feel like I’m being sized up as prey the whole way. As I slide into the back of the car, I immediately feel like I have somehow betrayed Pea. I always feel like that, with every relationship since her. I lay my head back and close my eyes.
I tried with other women, it’s never worked. Her shadow was always there. The ghost of her. It probably doesn’t help that she was physically in my life nearly all the time too. That was one of the reasons I tried something with Stacey. It was never going to go anywhere. I think I did it more for a reaction, to see what Pea would do. The way she reacted when I said I was going away had cut me. She acted like I shouldn’t leave Stacey. Like I was serious with her and the fact that she was just going to accept it well, that was the final straw for me. I needed to wake up. She’d placed me firmly in her past. I was never going to be part of her future and if I didn’t move on without her she was definitely going to destroy me.
The car pulls to a stop and I get out and head into the bar. I see Sam, Lewis and Tyler all sitting at a table and I make my way over.
“Hey fucker!” Lewis smirks.
Sam chin lifts me and I take a seat next to Tyler, who slaps me on the back and says, “Glad to see you out tonight, Con man. I thought we were going to have to kidnap you to get you here.”
I look at the group of lads. Guys that I’ve come to call friends and smile. I need to force myself to let go.
“What’s the plan for tonight then?” I ask.
Lewis is still smirking when he says, “Get shit-faced and end the night with my cock in a nice, hot wet pussy.”
Sam shakes his head and Tyler rolls his eyes. I laugh and for once it’s not forced. I listen to the music playing and recognise it as, ‘This Is Where It Ends’ by Midnight Hour.
I look at my friends for a beat while listening to the words of the song and then answer, “Sounds like plan.”
I always told myself that everything happens for a reason. Well, at least until I was twenty. Then I grew up.
After crying myself to sleep last night I woke today with an awful headache. In that moment, whilst sitting staring into my fireplace, my mug of tea in my hand slowly getting cold, I decide enough was enough. I need to pull up my big girl pants and stop feeling sorry for myself.
Easier said than done!
However here I am. I’m still standing, or sitting.
I have to make my visit to the hospital today. I love Wednesdays and today has to be a good day. I need a good day. I need something to take my mind away. I need my soul soothed.
There is something else I need to do too. I realised last night while crying, I need to share everything with Soph. I need to let her in. Share my pain and hopefully help her to understand my utter fuckedupness.
She is all I have left.
I can’t push her away too.
Before that though, I have to get through today.
First, I need to make myself feel presentable. I always did when I went to the hospital, just in case I ran into anyone. I
purposely chose Wednesday because it was a safe day. Nobody ever turned up on Wednesday, too many meetings and charity women’s lunches. Ugh. Too busy keeping their face’s masked over so nobody could see the cracks.
However, if I ever was seen, I knew I’d probably be kicked out immediately. Then banned, and I couldn’t risk that. At least, if I was gonna be caught out, I could make myself look half-decent so hopefully they would just politely ask me to leave and not ban me forever.
After showering, I look through my clothes and decide to wear an emerald green button through dress with a black cardigan and black flats. I add a green scarf to finish it off. Twisting my hair up, I apply minimal makeup. I grab my belongings as I walk through the house, and take a brisk walk to the bus stop.
As I make my way to the hospital I let my thoughts wander. They usually go to Saul. Lately, however, since he left, it’s always been Con I think about. I wonder what he’s doing right now? I wonder if he will ever talk to me again? I want to call him, but I know Con, if he wanted me, he would’ve called or texted me by now. He’s shutting me out. Pushing me away. I have nobody to blame, but myself. I’ve pushed him to this. I ruin everything good in my life. I’m cursed and he’s better off without me.
I just wish I could tell him. Tell him the truth, how I really feel. I just feel so exposed when I even think of telling him. I feel sick just contemplating the idea. So I push it out of my thoughts.
When I get to the hospital I take a deep, refreshing breath before entering. As I walk past the receptionist, I smile and continue. She must be a temp because she asks who I am and who I’m here to see. Karen, the normal receptionist, must be away.
After making it past the Pit Bull on the front desk. I move to the lift and wait. I feel like I’m always waiting these days. I’m just not sure what I’m waiting for anymore.
I arrive at floor three and make my way down the corridor. I stop at the nurses’ station and chat to Cheryl. “Hey, how’s he today?” I ask… I always ask the same thing.
Cheryl smiles. “He seems better today. I don’t think it’ll be long until he leaves us.”
I smile. “That’s the hope,” I answer, although my gut wrenches at the thought.
I take the next twenty or so steps and stop at room fourteen. I tap on the door and enter, smiling as my eyes locate the frail figure on the bed.
“Hey Saul,” I say softly.
“Hey Pea,” he replies.
As I make my way home on the bus and I try not to think about the last forty-eight hours. I try not to think of all the truly low points I’ve had in such a short space of time. I’m sick of feeling miserable. It’s no wonder I have no friends anymore. I wouldn’t want to spend time with me! Ugh! Even now I’m whining.
As I’m considering how best to spend my night, with a bit of television and a plate of chilli or a bubble bath and a glass of wine, my phone buzzes in my pocket. I pull it out and notice that it’s Dane.
“Hey you,” I say with a smile. This feels like the first genuine happy moment I’ve had in a while.
“Hey Pea,” he replies then continues, “So I was thinking… roller skating,” I can hear the grin in his words.
“Errr… roller skating? Is that it? Should I guess the rest of that sentence?”
“Ha, ha, Pea, remember we were talking about doing something? Well, roller skating is it,” he exclaims like he’s just discovered the meaning of life and is very proud of himself.
“Okay Dane, I’m game. I’ll go with that suggestion. Although I’m pretty sure I’ll embarrass myself in front of all those teenagers that are bound to skate rings round me.” I laugh.
“Don’t worry, Pea, tonight is seniors night.” With that he cracks up laughing.
“What the fuck, Dane?” This isn’t the way to push me tonight, but he still hasn’t learnt my tones.
“Sorry, that was just too funny not to put out there,” he pauses and then continues, “Okay, Wednesday night is for older people only, so twenty-five and above. They call it ‘Back in Time.’ It’s sad really, but hey it means we don’t have to worry about teenagers and feeling like we need Zimmer frames already.” I can hear the hopefulness in his voice and I know I need a night out of the house. A night away from the misery I seem to want to dwell in lately. What I need is to get my head out of my arse and move the fuck forward.
“Sounds like a plan Dane, shall I meet you there?”
“Don’t be stupid woman, you’re not walking round London at night by yourself. I’ll pick you up in an hour.” With that, he clicks the phone off.
I stare at my phone for the longest time with a stupid grin on my face. I know people are staring at me because I can feel the burn of their eyes, but I don’t give a shit. I’m happy and it’s so freeing.
By the time Dane arrives to collect me, I’ve managed to plait my hair and swap my dress for some skinny jeans, Uggs and a jumper. I pull open the door and he walks past me completely comfortable in my presence. It makes me stop and take stock for a moment. He seems as comfortable with me as I am with him. A nice warm feeling fills my body and I smile.
“You ready to head off?” he asks looking me over.
“Yeah, just need to grab my bag,” I say gazing at him from the corner of my eye. He’s wearing jeans, boots and an Aran knit jumper, and he pulls that look of with ease. With his height, physique and looks, there will be women all over him tonight. I stop for a second to take stock. Not really sure how that train of thought makes me feel. I mean we never discussed this being a date. In fact, we’ve never discussed having a date… period. Every time we’ve been out somewhere or spent time together we have fun and enjoy each other’s company, but we’ve never defined what we have. And before today, right this second, I hadn’t ever given it too much thought. Now, of course, I can’t stop thinking about it, and because of that I’m all jumpy and unsure how to behave.
Great Pea, start the evening how you mean to go on, why don’t you? I mentally chastise myself. Here I was looking forward to a fun evening.
“Pea?” Dane says it in a questioning way. I know what that is, he thinks I’ve gone bat-shit crazy staring into space. I mentally groan.
“Sorry, just away with the fairies for a minute there, let’s go.” I smile even though it’s forced and I know he can tell, which again is amazing. The fact that he can pick up on things like this in such a short space of time.
“Pea, those Uggs suit you. Are they real?”
“Yeah, they’re real. Why?” I’m not sure why he’s asking me, it’s kind of came from nowhere, and I feel uncomfortable for a minute.
“No reason, I was just thinking that if they weren’t real I could probably get you a real pair. I know someone who buys them in bulk in Australia to sell over here at a profit. I could get a pair for you, that’s all.” His smile seems sincere, even though my stomach twists.
“Thanks Dane, but even if they weren’t real, I wouldn’t be comfortable accepting something like that from you. I mean I’ve only known you for a short while.”
“Pea, it’s not an issue.” He chuckles, but it’s forced. I know he’s trying to cover for what he assumes is him putting his foot in it.
The truth is that Con bought them for my birthday. He’d seen me looking at them and when he realised I couldn’t afford them he got them for me as a surprise. I think back to April 28th, my birthday…
“Soph, these bloody boots are killing my feet! Ugh! Are they designed to crush your bones so you can never walk again?” I complained for what felt like the hundredth time since we’d left her flat to walk to the bar.
“Pain is beauty baby, pain is beauty,” Soph replied with a wink. I rolled my eyes and concentrated on making it the three hundred yards left between us and the bar, and then being able to sit my bum down. Hopefully, the guys had managed to get us a table of sorts.
It was a new bar that had opened up about a month ago. We’d all been talking about going, but hadn’t had time. The boys took it out of our hands as it
was my birthday, and decided we were going to see what all the fuss was about. We were closing the gap between us and The Black Diamond. Our poor feet, well, slight correction, my poor feet, Soph seemed fine, in fact, she looked like she could hike in her heels.
I’d never understood it. I mean I’d always loved heels and loved shoes, in general, they were one of my big weaknesses. But, I didn’t want to walk a mile in pointy-toed, spiked heeled, fuck me boots, that felt like they were sucking out my soul through my little toes.
That night was yet another attempt by Soph to make me look sexy, or like a hooker, I guess it depended upon your definition of the two. She dressed me in a tight black lycra dress. I seriously thought they’d gone out of fashion in the eighties. A red, tight fitting, long-sleeved woollen top that stopped just under my breasts. I wasn’t really sure what the point of the top was. Then, of course, I had on those black, knee high, fuck me boots, the heel had to be at least six inches. I had bare legs and a small black handbag that had little, what can only be described as silver charms hanging from it, signalling my whereabouts to everyone in the local vicinity. My eye makeup was purple with black kohl outlining my fake lashes. My long brown hair was gelled back into a high top ponytail and as it was so long it hung halfway down my back. Lastly, I had a long solid silver heart necklace that hung down to my belly button and it felt like at any minute someone was going to offer me money for a blowjob.
Soph, however, seemed happy with my makeover. She, of course, looked stunning in a loose flowing gypsy style dress in an indigo colour. It gathered just under her breasts and then flowed down her body. The front of the dress stopped about three inches above her knees while the back floated down to her calves. She then had these stunning pair of gold shoes which laced up her legs. She teamed this with a gold clutch and her hair hung loose around her shoulders. She was flawlessly made up, and when she smiled she looked like an angel.
I was relieved to see we were nearly at the bar and also worried that there was a queue outside. I shouldn’t have worried though as very obviously Soph used her flirting techniques with the bouncer and we were ushered through the entrance to the moans and grumbles of others who were still waiting outside. Soph seemed oblivious and grabbed my hand and dragged me inside. I was glad that Soph seemed to know where she was manoeuvring us to. She weaved through the crowd like a pro. I’d always been slightly uncomfortable in places like that, feeling as though I didn’t really belong. This place was somewhere for the beautiful people.
Love Reflection (Entwined Hearts #1) Page 7