Love Reflection (Entwined Hearts #1)

by Maria Macdonald

  The problem I’m having with this situation is that Saul isn’t aware that I’ve been banned from the hospital. He’s only been awake from the induced coma for a few weeks and I always come in on a Wednesday, which he’s never questioned. So I’ve never had the need to tell him. He’s asked about Con and Soph, but only ever how they are or what are they up to? I know he’s spoken to them on the phone, but as they aren’t talking to me about him, I have no idea what they have said or if they’ve even tried to come and see him. I don’t think his mum will be impressed with me picking him up and taking him home on Sunday, and I also don’t think it’s good for Saul’s health to have a showdown with his mum at the hospital. She will do that to him. She wouldn’t give a second thought to his health or how it will affect him. She’ll only care about how she’ll look if he goes home with someone else.

  “Saul... your mum?”

  “Don’t Pea, okay? Just don’t. I don’t want to go anywhere with that woman, and I certainly don’t want her to try and convince me to go and stay with her. She’s driving me crazy pretending like she gives a shit.” He stops and shakes his head like he can’t believe what he’s said, or maybe what he’s about to say. “You know, when they first brought me out of the coma, I was alone.” A stabbing pain shoots through my chest. “Two days later my mum came to visit me. During those two days, I’d been chatting with the nurses... you know, the nurses know everything, right?” he laughs, but it’s soulless. “They told me she had visited me roughly three times, Pea.”

  He shakes his head again, then scares the life out of me when he shouts, “Three times! She’s my fucking mother.” I reach my hand out and grab his, he clings onto my hand like a lifeline. “The first time she came to visit me after I woke up, I pretended I was still asleep. She stayed for five minutes.” I reach my other hand out and hold his face. “Some people don’t deserve to be parents.” He looks at me and a flash of pain crosses his face. “Yeah, you’re right, but she doesn’t get to play the perfect parent picking me up on Sunday. Then trying to force me to stay at her apartment while I recuperate like she’s Mother-fucking-Theresa and can then tell all her friends how amazing she is.” I remove my hand from his face as he turns to stare out of the window. “Pea... why haven’t they come?” I know what he’s asking. I’m just not sure what to say.

  Later that day as I walk home I’m contemplating what I already know I need to do. I thought about the various things that have happened in my life and the many explanations I owe people who are always there for me. People who deserve to be told. I also think that if I finally start letting things go, and opening up, it’ll help me to get back to being me again. Because somewhere in the middle of all the secrets I’ve lost myself.

  Just before I get home, my phone sings out, ‘My Immortal’ by Evanescence and I grin to myself – Con. Since Soph was attacked, Con has been texting me. It started with him asking me about Soph. Him trying to make sure she really was okay, and not just spinning him a line. Surprisingly Soph has bounced back, apart from this not going out thing she has going on. The police still haven’t caught her attacker, however that news doesn’t seem to bother her. She’s spent most of her free time with me and Dane, who seems to have become an almost permanent fixture at my house. I pull my phone out of my pocket.

  Con: Hey precious, how’s your day?

  I smile and text him back whilst trying not to walk into people.

  Me: Hey Con, my day has been good. You?

  Almost immediately he responds.

  Con: Would be better if I could see your face.

  I shake my head even though he can’t see me.

  Me: Con, it’s not the dark ages. We can Skype when I get home if you want?

  Con: Nah, I’m off to kickboxing, got to keep the body in shape.

  Me: True, you don’t want the women to stop ogling you. :-)

  Con: Did you just send an emoticon? Did hell just freeze over?

  Me: I send them sometimes.

  Con: Hmm.

  Me: I do! I’m evolving! ;-)

  Con: Wow! Next you will be using text speak!

  Me: Let’s not go too far now! :-D

  Con: Okay precious, catch you later.

  Me: Okay Con.

  I stop and shake my head, pop my phone back in my pocket and continue on my journey home. Five more feet and Evanescence alert me to another text. I grab my phone again.

  Con: Your face isn’t the only part of your body I want to see. ;-)

  I’m gobsmacked for a moment, but I can feel my heart pounding in my chest while heat rushes between my legs. I put my phone away and walk the rest of the way home with a secret smile on my face. Only this time I have a good secret.

  When I arrive home, Soph is busy in the kitchen. She’s making some kind of salad with nuts – rabbit food. She’s smiling and singing, ‘The Only Exception’ by Paramore. She’s beautiful and she looks calm. I’m so glad she’s picked herself up since the attack. I go and perch on the sofa and when she’s finished she comes and sits with me.

  “So Pea, what’s new?” she asks and inside me something clicks into place and I just know that it’s time.

  “Soph, I have something to tell you,” I reply.

  “That sounds ominous!” She laughs nervously.

  “Well, the truth is there are a few things I’ve never told you because I was scared.” She looks confused. “Scared of how you’d react. Scared of me, but mainly scared because those things have brought nothing but heartbreak and arguments,” I sigh, “and those things are why Saul is where he is.”

  “Tell me,” she answers gently but firmly, and I know she’s got this.

  “Okay.” I release a weight from my shoulders knowing I’m finally doing something I should’ve done ages ago.

  “Six years ago I went on my holiday.”

  She nods. “When me and Saul came out to visit you… go on Pea,” she urges.

  “I’d just suffered a miscarriage.” Soph slams her hand over her mouth and tears well in her eyes.

  “What?” she whispers. “Oh Pea.” She shakes her head no like it can’t possibly be true. “Pea... why didn’t you tell me?”

  I stare at her like she can give me the answers I need. Then I get up and pace. “I don’t know, Soph. I have no answer to that question.”

  “Did... did you tell, Con?”

  I smile at her. This is because, unlike Saul, she knew it would only ever be Con. Then my face drops when her question registers.

  “No.” I shake my head again and stare at the photographs above the fireplace. “I never told him, Soph.” I hear her intake of breath. “I never gave him the opportunity to feel elated. I never gave him the opportunity to fix things with us... although that was more my fault.” I ponder that thought for a second before Soph chimes in again.

  “He still doesn’t know?”

  “No, but I need to tell him,” I state this to her knowing my mind is clear and that this is another step I need to face if I’m going to be able to move forward, but also knowing this is the one that scares me the most.

  She’s nodding. “Yeah Pea, I mean it’s hard, but he needs to know. He deserves to know,” she’s talking to me gently like she’s done for years. All it does is piss me off. Not with her. Never with her. Just that I made her behave this way when truthfully, I deserve a slap for never telling him.

  “I never gave him the chance to grieve them,” I say absentmindedly.

  “Them!” Soph screeches.

  I look over at her and although I feel sad I manage a smile. “Yeah, twins. I was twelve weeks pregnant. I’d had a scan as I wasn’t sure of my dates, and being in another country they wanted to scan me. So I saw the two of them.” I can feel the tears welling in my eyes now, so I take a few deep breaths. Soph walks over to where I’m standing and puts her arms around me.

  “Pea... I’m so sorry for you.” She rubs her hands up and down my back for a few minutes then she says, “That’s why you reacted like you did after the a
ccident?” She has a little line of salt water running a track down her cheeks.

  I nod. “Yeah, I guess... I mean, I haven’t really thought about it until recently. I haven’t been able to process everything.”

  Soph takes a deep breath. “Pea,” and I know what she’s going to say already. What she doesn’t understand is that I already know and have made my peace with it. Whatever the outcome.

  “You need to tell him.”

  “I know. I said I will.”

  I stand in her embrace for a few minutes longer then she steps back and grabs my hands in hers and stares at me.

  “I felt like I caused the accident,” I say and I release a breath I didn’t know my body was holding, along with a truckload of tension. Just saying it out loud, what I’ve been beating myself up about for months, is a relief.

  “Don’t say that Pea, it was an accident.”

  “I think I’ve finally worked that out. But we were arguing about telling Con, it’s the only thing we ever argued about.” I hang my head.

  We’re both quiet for a moment. “Soph?”

  “Yeah?” Soph says apprehension in her voice.

  “There’s something else.” She’s quiet waiting for me to continue, “I’ve been visiting, Saul.”

  Soph sucks in a breath and steps back, cutting off our contact.

  “Why?” she asks.

  “Because I needed to.”

  “I’m sorry Pea, I don’t understand!” She walks to the other side of the room and crosses her arms. I understand her sudden bitterness.

  After the accident, I was on a downward spiral. I became depressed. Then Saul’s mum banned us all because she blamed me. We had all agreed to stay away, to wait for him to recover until he could speak for himself. We’d agreed on phone calls only. Then Con and Soph sat me down and had that ‘chat’ about making Saul a taboo subject for my own wellbeing. That just served to piss me off. However, I knew they were trying to help so I let them have that. What they hadn’t realised is that I’d then done everything within my power to make sure I could see Saul, including getting my new job. They knew the job was at the hospital. What they thought though was that I’d applied for it prior to the accident, and it was just a coincidence. They also thought I was too compliant to try and visit Saul. I’d enjoyed my visits with him, even when he was unconscious. Although I preferred being able to talk to him. But I missed the other two. It had always been the four of us and I was very aware that by doing what I’d done I was in some way betraying their trust. I had to try and explain this to Soph.

  “Soph, let me try to explain.” I motion for her to sit back on the sofa which thankfully she does.

  “When I recovered from the accident I was completely broken.”

  “I remember,” she injects.

  “I was already on the edge from the first miscarriage to then have another one... it nearly killed me.”

  Her face softens and she grabs my hand. “I can imagine,” she says and her voice is laced with pain, which makes me wonder why.

  “Soph, are there things you need to tell me?” I ask.

  She watches her thumb rub over the back of my hand. “Another time, Pea.”

  “Soph?” I whisper.

  “No Pea. Now it’s your chance to let go, mine will be another day.”

  I sigh, knowing I’ll never get anything out of her if I force the issue.

  “Anyway, I needed to see Saul and she took that away from me.” I look down at my feet, my red nail varnish flaking from my toenails.

  “I didn’t know what to do and I was messed up. I just needed to see him and I had tunnel vision.”

  “Oh, Pea.”

  “When I came to my senses, I wasn’t sure what I should do for the best, and all the people who I’d usually ask for guidance were involved or not around anymore.” I let a tear that I didn’t know was there escape the corner of my eye.

  “I fucked up, Soph. I fucked up.”

  Soph leans forward and again enveloped me in a hug.

  “I was there today.”

  I feel Soph stiffen at my words, slowly she releases her muscles. “You were?” she asks but it’s tight.

  “Yeah, he’s coming out on Sunday.”

  She jerks at the news. “He is?” she asks surprised.

  “Yeah, you didn’t know? I thought he spoke to you on the phone?”

  “We do, but it has been a few days,” she shrugs.

  “Well, anyway, he wants me to go and pick him up. He doesn’t want his mum anywhere near him.”

  Soph sucks in a breath.

  “I had to tell him.” Her eyes widen, but she knows what I mean. It’s not the worst thing, it just shows his mum in another bad light. We all agreed to not tell him that his mum had banned us. He already had a shaky relationship with her and we didn’t want to be the cause of making it worse. Still, I couldn’t have him thinking that Soph and Con didn’t care.

  “What did he say?” she gingerly asks.

  “Well, he wasn’t too impressed. He called her some names. Then he said, ‘Thank fuck’.” Soph has a look of confusion. “Yeah, I didn’t understand at the time either and you know what he said when I asked him why the ‘Thank fuck,’ comment.”

  Soph shakes her head.

  “He said he’d much rather know his mother is an interfering bitch than think two of his closest friends didn’t give a shit about him.” With that Soph and I stare at each other for a second then burst out laughing.

  “So what time Sunday are we going to get Prince then?” she asks after we’ve composed ourselves. I chuckle at his nickname that she gave him ten years ago due to him constantly rapping the title music to ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.’

  “I’m not sure, he’s going to text or phone me on Sunday when he’s ready,” I answer and Soph beams out a smile.

  Just then the doorbell chimes. “Oh yeah, that will be Dane,” Soph says automatically and gets up to let him in.

  Over the last couple of weeks, Dane has become an almost permanent fixture around here. I used to worry that some woman would date one of the guys and encroach into our group. I never expected it to be another man, not that anyone is dating him... still.

  “Hey sunshine,” he says as he comes into the lounge room and then bear hugs me.

  “Hey Dane,” I say then yawn.

  “Tired?” he asks looking concerned.

  “Mmm... a little bit,” I mumble.

  “You okay?” he asks looking between Soph and me.

  “Um-huh!” I nod. “But, I think I might take a rain check on hanging out tonight and head to bed. Soph can fill you in on our night.” Soph looks at me with questioning eyes.

  “Soph, you may as well fill Dane in, I’m trying to get rid of my secrets... not add more.” I wink at the two of them. Soph with a look of surprise and Dane with a mixture of bewilderment and frustration on his face.

  When I’m in bed, I grab my phone and do something I’ve been doing for the last two weeks. I put it on silent then I tap out a text.

  Me: Night Con. Miss you.

  I then turn over and go to sleep with a smile, knowing in the morning there will be a text waiting for me which reads.

  Con: Night precious. Miss you too. Always.

  It’s been two weeks since I’ve started making plans to move back to London.

  Mr. Stephens wasn’t happy when I told him I needed to relocate. He did say that it was in my contract to be here in New York if the paper needed me to be. The fact is, for the first time in years, most of the sports coverage I’m writing about isn’t being included in the paper and it’s bothering me. Although a few of the US tabloids have been using my pieces for their own paper, some personal agreement that they have with the boss man.

  Still, I don’t let the contract bullshit stop me. I told him they could find someone else if they felt the need to, and that I needed to be back in London due to personal reasons. I wouldn’t fight them if they wanted me out of my contract and out of their paper.
This had actually served me well because, although it wasn’t an empty threat they immediately changed their opinions and were all for me coming back over here. Amazing! They would’ve undoubtedly elbowed out some other poor dick to be able to fit me back in, but that isn’t my concern.

  Anyway I know, and they know, that there are a number of papers which would snap me up. I’ve been headhunted more than once and if I wanted to go freelance that was always an option.

  Still. It doesn’t matter. I have to do this. There’s nothing I’m going to let get in my way this time. Not even myself.

  I’ve been trying to spend time with the guys before I go back, they’re bummed that I’m leaving so early. Tonight we were going to Bisque, a local club. The guys no doubt want to get some pussy. Well, Lewis definitely. Sam and Tyler are more laid back. Sam was in a relationship for six years which ended only a few months ago. I have no idea why and I’ve never met her. Still he obviously had his heart invested as much as I have with Pea because the most I’ve seen him do is dance while very obviously letting his hands wander. That’s not to say there hasn’t been more, just not that I’ve noticed while I’ve been around. Tyler does have his fair share of women as does Lewis. But with Tyler, I think he’s just sowing his oats for when he meets the one. Lewis is different, he uses one night stands as a form of detachment. He reminds me of Saul, just a couple of years older. He has the same arrogance too, the prick. Still, I can’t help but like him.

  I’ve gotten to know Libby in the last few weeks too. She’s a nice girl. Actually she would’ve become a good friend if I’d stayed here for the whole six months. Once she stops trying to put your cock in her mouth, she lets her personality out and she’s funny and sweet. She does remind me a bit of Pea, but I’m glad I never went there with her. She would’ve been a poor imitation of the real thing and I wouldn’t have felt like I had gained another friend in New York, albeit temporary.

  I told them all yesterday, after it was confirmed, that I was going back in one week. They weren’t happy, but at least Libby and Sam seemed to understand. I didn’t hold shit back either. I told them I got a girl that I’ve loved forever. Lewis tried to take the piss at first. Then I asked him what he would do if he’d fucked up with the love of his life only to then find out some other guy was spending time with her. Even if it was purely platonic. That’s when he stopped laughing and told me he would break the fucker’s kneecaps. Of course, we all stared at him wide-eyed for a second until we pissed ourselves laughing. He wasn’t impressed and kept calling us fuckers. Eventually, he started laughing too. I wish I had more time with them though. It’s obvious they all have stories, I just won’t get a chance to spend time finding out what they are.