“Soph, seriously… stop worrying. He’s probably just grouchy. Wouldn’t you be if you’d been stuck in this place?” Saul was all ready to leave then the nurse came round and said he couldn’t go until the doctor had signed him off. We’ve been sitting and waiting ever since and it’s obviously pissing Saul off. The nurse definitely has a thing for Saul, the way she’s eyeing him. I’m sure it’s outside of hospital policy and Soph shoots her daggers. If Saul wasn’t so pissed and this wasn’t a hospital, I’d have laughed at the scene before me.
“Yeah, I guess,” she sighs.
“Come on, let’s take these shitty coffees back to Saul and wait until we can go.”
She shrugs but follows me back to his room.
“What took you two so long?” Saul questions.
“There was an old man in front of us,” I say.
He just looks at us with his lips thinned and a scowl on his forehead. He’s still beautiful and even though he’s being an arse, for what appears to be no reason, I just want to go and hug him. I wonder if the feeling of elation I get when I look at him will ever go away? I can’t believe we nearly lost him. I look over at the two of them from my place next to the window overlooking London. Soph is sitting on the edge of the bed, even through his scowl he can’t help but look at her. When he looks away to talk to me or acknowledge a nurse, Soph sneaks glances at him. It’s actually quite comical.
These two people are my family. I’d be lost without them. Hell, I’d be alone without them. They’re everything to me. Dane is quickly becoming someone I include in the family bracket and I obviously include Con in that. I just wish with all my heart he was here. I miss him more every day, and when the realisation flashed through me yesterday that it will always be him and only him for me, it just made me miss him more.
I decided yesterday. I’m going to him.
I have some savings, not much, about £1500. I checked British Airways flights the other day, a one-way flight to New York was £1100. I need more money. I need to make sure I have enough money to come back, as well as support myself long enough to find a job should I end up staying. I know I will be able to stay at Con’s. I mean that’s kind of the point, but what if I turn up and he’s with another woman, I couldn’t stay then, I couldn’t see him with someone else, every day, in my face. I grab my stomach, it aches just at that thought and I can feel myself having to pull my emotions in check before they go berserk.
“Pea?” Saul asks and it’s the first time since we’ve been here that his voice is truly soft with either of us, he's truly being himself.
“Sorry Saul, just drifting, but I was drifting somewhere that I should stay away from.” I smile and walk over to his bed sitting down next to him, the other side from Soph and I lean into him.
“I love you, Saul, truly I do. You’re like my brother and my best friend.” Soph coughs and I laugh. “You both are.” I shake my head and smile as I look back into Saul’s eyes. “I know you’re okay.” I look him over. “You’re going to be okay.” Then I look up to Soph. “You’re going to be okay too. I need to go to him. I need to tell him. I need to fight for him. My life ends with him or it ends alone. There’s no third option.” I realise Saul is holding my hand.
“Will you stay around this week? Help me get settled back into life?” he asks.
“Of course I will, I mean I can’t go yet anyway. I only have £1500 and I’ve worked out I need at least £4000 just to be able to go and return, and that’s hoping he will let me stay at his apartment,” when I say that, I can still feel the unease slither through my gut from the thoughts I had only moments ago.
“We’ll help you, whatever you need,” Saul tells me.
I squeeze his hand. “Thanks, Saul, but this is something I need to do myself. I want him to know I’ve put the effort in. Hell, I want him to know he’s worth it.”
Just then the doctor comes in. She happens to be a young woman and she obviously also has a thing for Saul as she eyes both Soph and I sitting on either side of him.
“Shall we give Mr. James some space so I can examine him?”
Soph glares at her but gets up, I just get up smiling. The doctor pulls the curtain around Saul and does whatever it is she needs too.
At one point, I hear her saying, “My, you must be really sporty to have such a nice physique.” And I can’t help snort-laughing. When she comes out of the curtain, she gives us pointed glares and stomps off. Both Soph and I burst out laughing, then Saul pulls the curtain back with a big grin.
“I’m free and clear!” he says.
We all turn around to leave with smiles on our faces. A second later they all drop off when Saul’s mother comes around the corner. She immediately turns her nose up at Soph and I and makes a beeline for her son.
“Saul, I’ve come to take you home with me,” she says looking at me with complete disdain. Her eyes widen slightly when she takes in Soph’s getup, which only makes me want to laugh. I hold it in not wanting to cause any more hostility for Saul.
“I’m not going with you,” Saul states.
“Don’t be silly, Saul, you need a mother’s love.”
“No, I neither need nor want your love.”
“Don’t be rude, Saul, I didn’t bring you up like that. Just because you hang around with trash doesn’t mean you need to behave like them,” she sneers looking at Soph and me again.
Soph goes to say something and I push her out the door slightly, knowing she’ll be the one to cause more issues and that’s not what Saul needs right now. But also feeling like he needs someone here with him for moral support. He’s never had a problem telling his mother to take a running jump, but I just want to be his quiet strength.
“Shut the hell up,” he replies through gritted teeth.
“Well! There’s no need to be so distasteful, Saul!”
Saul sighs. “Please, just leave Mother. I’m going home with Pea,” he says gesturing to me.
“Her!” his mother screeches pointing at me, “that’s the one right there that nearly got you killed, Saul, and yet she stands here acting like butter wouldn’t melt.” She turns her nose up at me.
I can feel my heart beating in my chest, thumping like it’s going to break right through my ribcage. I want to shout at her. I want to scream, better still I want to punch her, but I restrain myself. I’m not going to give her the satisfaction of having me thrown out or worse, her going to the police to report me for assault, and she would.
“I’m going to tell you something once, and once only, and you better listen Mother,” Saul says so quietly it’s scary. His mother, like me, must cotton onto the fact that he isn’t pissing about. “I am done with you. Through. You didn’t bother with me while I was in here. I know exactly when you were here and for how long. The nurses know everything,” he says and glances out the door. I can see his mother visibly pale. “I don’t need your money, your possessions or your connections. I don’t need you being ashamed of the fact that I’m a photographer, trying to set me up with both jobs and wives from your country club friends. I don’t need you looking down your nose at my real family and telling me how beneath you they are. You have had twenty-seven years of my life. Twenty-seven years I’ve given you to sort your shit out. To be a mum and not a mother. To show me some kind of love that isn’t fabricated or for show. You’ve had your time. Now your time has run out. You won’t see me again. Leave. Now.”
He nods to a nurse in the corridor who comes in and says, “Mrs. James you need to leave, I’m afraid.” She looks shocked like she doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do. Just when I think she’s going to go quietly, I see a look of pure venom take over her eyes and she spins around to Saul.
“I suppose you can say that to me now that you’re leaving the hospital and therefore you don’t need me to pay the private hospital fees that I signed up for!”
Saul looks up at her and smirks. “Don’t worry mother, I paid my fees this morning. You don’t need to put your hand in your pocket.�
�� I can see she’s shaken at that comment, as her guard slips slightly.
“How… I don’t understand.”
“If you’d ever bothered to listen to me, you would know that I’ve made a lot of money doing what you deem to be a silly little hobby. I guess people will pay you well when you’re a Pulitzer Prize winner, huh?” he finishes with a blow to her pride. The sad thing is, I know it’s a blow to her, not because she’s losing her son. No, she will be upset that she didn’t realise what a prestigious photographer her son has turned out to be and that she couldn’t show him off for that reason. The sad thing is, she will still brag about him, he just won’t be on her arm when she does.
Two hours later and we’re sitting in Saul’s lounge with the television on and the heating up full blast. Soph has left for a shoot and Saul seems a bit distant.
“Do you want me to go?” I ask.
“What... oh, no.” He shakes his head. “Sorry, things playing on my mind.”
“You want to talk about it?” I ask.
“Well, there isn’t really much to say. I mean my mum is a bitch. I’m still not fully recovered, and apparently Dane, who Soph works or used to work with, is now firm friends with you both.”
“Saul!” I screech.
“What?”
“Saul,” I say smiling and twisting my head to look up at him through my eyelashes.
“Oh shit, Pea, don’t do this girlie crap on me. Just tell me what you want. It makes the process so much quicker,” he says grinning down at me.
I playfully slap his arm and say, “You have a thing for Soph?”
His grin disappears and he replies without hesitation. “No. Not at all.”
“Don’t try and lie to me, Saul James! I have known you since we were kiddies.”
“Nothing about my answer is going to change,” he states firmly.
I decide to let it go. I’ve always known there’s a spark between Saul and Soph, they just both always seemed hesitant to take it forward.
Of course, now Dane is on the scene too, who knows what’ll happen, especially as Soph has sworn off all men.
I wake up and rub my eyes disorientated, and quickly assess my surroundings. I realise I’m at Saul’s, on his sofa, lying in his lap. I look up to see him smiling down at me.
“Sorry Saul,” I say trying to sit up, he presses me down.
“Don’t worry, Pea, stay there, go back to sleep, you obviously need it. I’ll take you to the spare room when I’m ready for bed.”
“You can’t carry me,” I say loudly, so loudly that Saul winces at me.
“Sorry,” I whisper and he laughs.
“Pea, you weigh about nine stone wet, seriously, I got you.”
I stare up at him knowing there’s something I need to say, another blemish inside me that I want to clear.
“Saul, I’m sorry for the things I said the day of the accident.” He’s about to try and stop me, but I shake my head and hold out my hand to let him know I need to say this.
“For so long I blamed myself. If I hadn’t have had Con and Soph... well... I just don’t know whether I’d be here right now... if I’d even be alive,” I admit, partly to myself and I can see Saul clenching his teeth trying not to interrupt me. I take a deep breath and continue, “You know I lost the baby, we’ve talked about that during my visits to you. You know I haven’t told Con anything yet, but I’m going to. I want there to be a clean slate, so I can try and make us work. Anyway I’m getting off subject.” He smiles at me and it gives me renewed determination.
“I was angry with you that day, but only because I was trying to deflect the anger I felt toward myself. I didn’t see it at the time, but now everything is so clear. You mean the world to me. You have been there through everything and I wish we could choose our family because Saul, I would tie you to me forever.”
He brushes a strand of hair off my face and says, “You never have to worry about tying yourself to me, you’re in here.” He taps his chest over his heart. “I have loved you since you were a little girl. You’re my little sister no matter what happens or where the road takes us. I will always have your back, and just so you know, the minute I woke up from the coma, until the minute you walked into my hospital room, the nasty words I’d said to you haunted me, they were all I could hear. I’m glad you’re okay because baby girl if you were in heaven right now because of me, then I’d be heading to hell.” He strokes down the side of my face where tears are rolling down toward my ears.
Saul never really does soppy. I mean he does to Soph and me sometimes, but he’s usually the joker. It’s nice to see this side of him. I just wish it were for a different reason. I smile up at him.
“Love you, Saul.”
“Love you, Pea.”
I lean over to grab my phone.
“What are you doing?” he asks obviously confused.
“Texting Con goodnight. If I’m going to fall asleep on your lap again I better text him now or he’ll only worry.” He gives me a knowing smile and releases me so I can grab my phone. Once I settle back onto the sofa and onto his lap, I tap out my nightly text.
Me: Laying in Saul’s lap falling asleep, thought I should text you.
Con: Lucky fucker!
Me: Well, I’m sure Saul will let you lay in his lap too, next time you see him.
Con: Ha bloody ha, Pea.
Me: Night Con. Miss you.
Con: Miss you more, precious.
I wake in an illuminated blue room, as I prise my eyes apart I realise I’m still in Saul’s lap and I can hear his gentle breathing while he sleeps. I look at the television and notice the film has stopped and the DVD player has turned itself off, so now the television has a blue screen.
I can just see Saul’s clock on the wall and that it’s 9.20 a.m. Saul has blackout blinds in his flat, so it feels like it’s still the middle of the night looking around the darkened room. I don’t usually sleep this late either, my body must’ve really needed the rest.
I can feel my phone in my pocket, so I grab it and look to see if I have any messages, unfortunately the light from the phone, which is usually miniscule, is amplified because of the darkness and so I wake Saul.
“Pea?” he asks although his words are slightly slurry.
“Yeah, I’m here Saul. Do you want me to get your tablets?”
“No, no, that’s fine. I’ll get them in a moment,” he replies distractedly.
“What’s up?” I ask, whilst sitting myself up.
“Oh nothing, I just… I woke up thinking that I was back in the hospital. It threw me for a moment,” he says shaking his head.
“I’m going to take my meds and jump in the shower. I think I need to freshen up a bit. Can you put the coffee on for me? It might need a clean out seeing as I haven’t been here for a while,” he says smiling.
He wanders off to the bathroom and I go back to looking at my phone. I see I have a text from Dane.
Dane: Still on for tonight, sunshine?
I feel bad that I was off with him yesterday. It’s not his fault Soph feels the way she does, and although I cannot believe for one moment that he didn’t notice her feelings were developing and couldn’t have done anything to soften the blow. I do realise they had an agreement and I also wonder if maybe his feelings became invested too, and he just didn’t know how to deal with them. I know from what I’ve learnt so far is that Dane is a straight talker, he’s not about leading people on in any way and although he is fierce, I don’t believe he would ever intentionally set out to hurt anyone, especially Soph. The main thing that I now see clearly and that I couldn’t yesterday, is that this isn’t my business. I will be here if either Soph or Dane ask me to be, and if I think their past relationship starts causing problems in the present, I may involve myself.
I look at my phone and tap out my reply.
Me: Of course. 6pm right?
Dane: 6pm.
Still staring at the phone, I wonder if I did cause any damage between us yesterday, but
then I dismiss the idea. I just replied to a text, I didn’t do anything to upset him.
There is another idea that occurs to me, seeing as he’s being so short with his texts, which is unlike him… maybe he’s nervous about what he’s going to tell me? What happens if it’s something I can’t get past?
I can’t think like that. I have to believe that people can see past mistakes, lies, deceit and errors in judgement. Because otherwise where do I stand with Con.
I think about him for a minute and my heart aches at his absence. So I send him a text I know he will get when he wakes.
Me: I know you’re sleeping. I just want you to know that I’m thinking of you.
It surprises me when Evanescence’s ‘My Immortal’ starts singing to me and I jump in shock.
“Con,” I answer smiling.
“Hey precious.”
“What are you doing?” I ask.
“Lying in bed.”
“Isn’t it the middle of the night?”
“Yeah,” he answers lazily.
“So you can’t sleep?”
“No,” he says.
“Okay… you could have just texted me. You shouldn’t be waking yourself up even more by talking to me.”
He’s quiet for a second then he sighs and replies. “Your voice… it’s home Pea, everything about you is home.”
It startles me. We have been texting a lot and occasionally speaking on the phone and although we’ve flirted and touched upon the elephant on the line - our relationship, what exactly it is and where it might be going - we haven’t said anything obvious outright. Anything that we can’t laugh our way out of, but this was it. The thing that we haven’t been talking about has now been brought to the forefront. I close my eyes and do something I should have done ages ago.
“You’re my home too, Con, I want you to come home to me.”
He says nothing and my heart starts beating faster.
Love Reflection (Entwined Hearts #1) Page 19