“Con?”
Nothing.
“Con?”
Then I hear it… his quiet snoring, he’s fallen asleep on the line.
A couple of hours later and I’m at my old supermarket with Saul, stocking up. His fridge and cupboards were practically empty and the odd thing he did have needed to go in the bin. I’m surprised some of the items hadn’t grown legs and thrown themselves away. Of course, the lack of milk is something he didn’t think about until I was making coffee. He can, of course, drink it without milk… me… not so much.
So here we are, and Saul has a face on him like a grumpy toddler. In fact, it’s like walking around the shop with a grumpy toddler. He’s never liked the supermarket and usually orders online. Obviously being in hospital means he hasn’t been able to and it’s not something I’d think of doing for him.
“Ugh! I hate this fucking place, it’s always so busy!” he moans.
“That’s true, although it would be even busier if it were a weekend,” I say.
We walk a few more steps.
“Why do these women have a meeting in the middle of the aisle?” he asks confused and I just shrug my shoulders and smile.
Another few steps.
“Why does everyone walk so slowly?” I look up to him and see the mixture of confusion and annoyance cross his face and I laugh. He scowls at me, but I carry on laughing.
We finally finish our shopping and go back to his place and I make him rest, much to his annoyance and then make us both some lunch.
“Saul?” I say tentatively.
“Right here, babe,” he replies.
I bring our sandwiches over and sit opposite him. “I’m going to tell, Con.”
“I know, you’ve told me.”
He takes a bite of his sandwich and spits it out.
“Sorry babe, but what is this shit?”
“Ham salad, why?”
“I hope you put that in the shopping to take home because I won’t eat rabbit food, you know that.”
“Saul! You need to eat well, you’ve just come out of hospital.”
“Exactly, I need some real food,” he says while getting up and walking into the open plan kitchen, pulling out a frying pan and chucking some bacon straight into it.
“Saul! You can’t eat stuff like that.” He smirks at me. “Watch me, babe.”
I huff at him, but I know what he’s like. I tried to sneak in some healthy salad. I should have known better.
“So, you were saying about telling Con, but you’ve already decided that haven’t you?”
“Yeah, I know we chatted about it. I guess I was only thinking about the way I was going to tell him, you know, flying over to New York and planning a stay to win him back to do… well, anything. I didn’t think about the rest.”
He doesn’t say anything, he just waits for me to finish.
“I think it’s just sunk in that he may reject me. He might tell me he never wants to see me again. He might tell me he could never love me again.” I’m getting worked up now. I see Saul turn the heat down on the frying pan and he walks over and sits next to me and rubs my back.
“Chill babe, it’s fine. It will be fine.”
“But what if it’s not?” I screech at him.
“Listen Pea, Con has loved you… for forever. I’ve told you this. Yes, you have to tell him everything, throw it all out there. I can’t say how he will react. I don’t know,” he pauses while a frown passes over his face, then he looks at me again. “Pea, I know what kind of man Con is, and you know what kind of man Con is. Even if he doesn’t handle it well, you have to give him another chance. You have to fight to make it right. You just have to remember, sometimes we make the wrong decisions, sometimes we react the wrong way, you can’t turn back time so you have to move forward. Sometimes you have to convince the person you love to believe in something that you once didn’t believe in yourself,” he states and I’m not sure if he’s still talking about Con and I. Either way he’s made me feel better.
“Thanks Saul, I needed that.”
“Anytime,” he says and gives me a squeeze then goes back to his bacon. “Sorry babe, I’m hungry,” he says and winks at me.
I roll my eyes, but think about what he’s said. I have to fight for Con, I have to expect that he is, at the very least, going to be pissed at me and at the very worst going to be so hurt that he can’t even be near me anymore. But I have to try, then I have to try some more. Because I’m nowhere without him being there next to me. I’m incomplete without him. I know that now.
A few hours later and I’m about to head home after having lunch and watching ‘Die Hard’ with Saul. As I’m getting ready to leave a thought occurs to me and I want to question him about it.
“Saul?”
“Still right here, babe,” he says with a grin.
“What’s the deal with you and Soph?” I ask and his grin vanishes and his mouth instead morphs into a thin line.
“No deal,” is all he replies.
“Saul, this is me you’re talking too, remember? You’ve been my friend since we were five. You have picked me up when I’ve fallen and brushed my knees off. I’ve told girlfriends you don’t want to be with them anymore and taken lots of abuse because of it. You know me, and I know you and Soph. Something is there. I can’t work it out, but it’s something. Now spill!”
He sighs and looks up at the ceiling. For a minute, I don’t think he’s going to say anything but then he almost whispers, “You know how you feel?” And I look at him confused until he continues, “She’s my Con, Pea, she’s my Con.”
I feel like my heart just broke at the pain I can hear in his voice and I also feel like it rejoiced with the idea that my two best friends might find love with each other.
“Since when?” I ask.
“Forever,” he tells me. He’s now looking at the floor and obviously thinking.
“Why haven’t you two gotten together? I mean, I’m sure she loves you too. At least I think she does.”
He gives me a sad smile then slings his arm around me. “Soph and I. We’re not… I mean… we don’t do relationships, Pea. We would ruin our friendship. There’s too much to lose.”
“But—” I attempt to say, but he interrupts me.
“It’s done, babe, just leave it.”
I grumble under my breath, but he just laughs and throws me over his shoulder in a fireman’s carry and chucks me on his sofa.
“Weren’t you going home?” he laughs and winks while he walks off into the bathroom.
Git!
It’s just after 3.30 p.m. and I know Dane is picking me up at 6:00 p.m. Soph must be at work as she isn’t in the house, so I put on my iPod and Snow Patrol’s ‘Set Fire To The Third Bar’ comes to life. I turn the speakers up loud... really loud, and go upstairs to run a bath. I chuck in lots of bubble bath, knowing I need to relax as much as possible and I light some candles.
I go into my bedroom and open my wardrobe, mindlessly trawling through my clothes. I’m looking for something to wear for tonight, but I’m not entirely sure why I feel the need to dress up. It’s like I’m looking for armour, protection of some kind and I’m not sure why.
I hear the music change and realise I’ve not checked the bath, and my bath fills up really quickly, so I run into the bathroom to see the bath overflowing with bubbles. I turn the taps off and put my hand in the water. Thankfully the bath is only two-thirds full, it only looks overflowing because I added so much bubble bath. I leave the bath and go back to my room deciding to choose my clothes after my bath. I undress and realise I didn’t grab a towel from the bathroom. I creep into the bathroom naked, I’m not really sure why because nobody is here except for me.
I ease myself into the hot water and sigh, releasing all the aches and tension I didn’t realise my body was holding. I lay my head back and close my eyes.
My life has changed so much over the last couple of months. I’ve been at both my lowest and my highest points. I have lost
friends and gained friends and I have finally met myself.
It dawns on me why I’ve been worried about tonight. It’s because Dane has made such a difference in my life, more than he realises. I’m afraid I will hurt him. I don’t have the best track record when it comes to reacting to things.
My mind wanders to Con. It’s the first time I’ve allowed it to since I talked to Saul. No matter what my fears are though, I can’t keep the smile from my face whenever I think about what he said. The idea of being back with him is something I’m almost too scared to dream about, in case it doesn’t happen. What would be even worse would be to see him with someone else. I’m too selfish to say, I just want to see him happy. I mean that’s true, I do want to see him happy. Happy with me. Only me.
I shiver and realise the bath water has gotten cold. I get out and wrap one of my fluffy towels around me. I empty the bath and shuffle into my bedroom. I hear movement downstairs, so I know Soph is in. I carry on where I left off with my wardrobe, trying to find something to wear. I’m still staring at my wardrobe five minutes later when Soph pokes her head round the door.
“Hey girlie, so tonight is the big night huh?” she says giggling.
“Don’t Soph, this isn’t funny!” I moan at her.
“It is a bit funny,” she says still giggling.
“It’s not! What if he tells me something that I don’t like?” I ask.
“What like he used to be a woman?” Soph laughs.
“It’s not funny! And anyway I wouldn’t care if that’s what it was… that would be a relief!” I answer.
“Oooh, I know! He’s in the Secret Service like James Bond.” I actually give this some thought for a second as Soph’s eyes widen realising what she’s just said and whether it could be true.
Then I laugh. “Don’t think so Soph, he wouldn’t be able to tell me even if he were,” I point out whilst finally grabbing skinny jeans and a jumper from my wardrobe.
“Shame,” she murmurs.
“I know what it is,” she crows tapping my arm like I’m not standing right next to her. “He’s sold you to an Arab prince for two camels.” She throws her head back and laughs hysterically while I roll my eyes. “He’s secretly scared of chickens as he knows one day they are going to try and take over the world.” She’s belly laughing now and I can’t help, but laugh myself. After a few minutes I calm down.
Soph is still wiping the tears from her eyes as I say, “I think it’s something to do with his family. I mean he’s told me a bit, but he’s still quite closed off about it.”
Soph bursts out laughing again and tries to tell me something through her laughter, after the third attempt I can just make out, “Maybe he has sister wives,” and she dissolves into laughter again.
“What the hell are sister wives?” I ask starting to laugh again myself, but not really knowing why, other than Soph is laughing and it seems contagious.
“Have you never seen the programme?” she asks through her laughter and I shake my head no.
“Bloody hell, I can’t believe you haven’t seen it. You have to watch it!” she shouts slapping my arm
“Okay, okay!” I say rubbing my arm.
We both start laughing again and I shove her out the room so I can get dressed.
Forty-five minutes later and I’m dressed, with light makeup and my hair is blow dried straight and gathered at the base of my neck into a pony. I make my way downstairs to Soph, who’s sitting on the sofa pretending to read.
“He likes to dress as Tina Turner and wants to enter the X-Factor with you as his singing partner,” she snorts and laughs at the same time to that little gem. I shake my head and roll my eyes at her with a chuckle.
The knock on the door brings me out of the jovial moment. I gather my thoughts and open it.
“Hey Dane,” I say as I open the door.
“Did you check the peephole?” is the first thing he says to me.
“Well, hello to you too, happy bollocks!” Soph says coming round the corner. Dane frowns at her and says, “You two are here by yourself. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you to be careful!”
“Okay, okay happy, calm down!” I inject.
“Are you ready to go?” he asks looking down at me questioningly.
“Yeah sure,” I answer and follow him out as he says goodbye to Soph over his shoulder. I look behind me to Soph whose eyes are wide and I mouth, ‘Wish me luck!’
Travelling in the car with Dane tonight is a new experience for me. He usually makes me feel at ease, especially as he knows my fears. Tonight, however, I just feel wary. I’m not sure if it’s him or if it’s me. We arrive on a street lined with large houses and expensive looking cars.
“Here we are,” he says while pulling into a driveway. Looking up I see a large Victorian house. We’re on a gravel driveway and the house must have a basement as you have to go up three steps to get to the huge black shiny door and it has one of those old style knockers. The house is double fronted with what looks like sash windows on each side of the door.
“Come on,” he says walking up the steps and opening the door. He holds it for me to enter first.
The floor is parquet and beautiful, and even though the house has an expensive air to it, it still feels homely.
“The lounge is through there,” he points toward the first door. I go inside and see soft browns and creams, the whole room is warm, there’s a fireplace in the centre of the room and what looks like a flat screen television above it. Taking a seat on the sofa, I wait for him to sit down.
“Do you want some dinner?” he asks.
“I guess,” I reply.
“Do you or don’t you? I don’t want to force you,” he snaps.
“Dane, what the hell is going on? You’ve been off with me for days and now we’re here and you’re supposed to be explaining stuff, but instead you’re snapping at me about food?” I exclaim.
“Food, I’ll make some food,” he murmurs and spins around and walks out the door. I sit there perplexed for a moment, and then stomp after him with annoyance consuming me.
He’s standing staring at his fridge not moving. I can feel something radiating off of him, it feels like fear. That scares me. Faltering for something to say I opt instead to find a bathroom and freshen up. I know it’s the coward’s way out, but I just need to take a moment. Not sure of where I’m going I decide to creep upstairs, feeling like a criminal I throw myself into the first door I find.
Gazing around I take in the soft white décor with black accents creeping up the wall, and curtains and a black throw and scatter cushions on the bed. This room looks like it was designed for a woman, although it doesn’t look used. Looking at the old dressing table under the French doors, I catch my breath when I notice how similar it is to the one my mother had when I was a child. Unable to stop myself I sit at the beautiful table, it’s white with a stunning gilt mirror. I think I remember Gran saying it was French Chateau. It has two drawers protruding from the flat surface, one on each side of the mirror, with little black intricately designed knobs to pull open the drawers, the same style of drawers are on either side underneath the flat surface. Running my hand along the wood and feeling my eyes glisten, remembering my mum brushing her hair and smiling down at me while sitting on a stool just like this. Lost in my thoughts, I don’t hear the door open or Dane come in. It’s not until he speaks that I nearly fall off the stool.
“I thought you’d left,” he says with a sad lilt to his voice.
Shaking my head no, I spin around so I’m now facing him. “This room is beautiful.”
He says nothing, just nods sadly. I’m not used to this side of him and I don’t know what to make of it, but I’m worried about him, I want to take away his pain.
“Do you want to see the rest of the house?” he asks suddenly and a frown crosses his face.
“Sure, you don’t have to show me round though.”
“Why wouldn’t I?” he questions.
“Well...
no reason, it’s just... you offered me a tour then looked shocked and annoyed that you had said it.”
He chuckles at me. “You caught that, huh?”
“Mmm huh,” I nod.
“I don’t really bring people here and I never show people around. This is my sanctuary.”
“Well, I’m happy just to be here. We can go downstairs and have some food if you like. I didn’t mean... I wasn’t trying to push... I’m sorry about downstairs and pushing you. We don’t have to go any further upstairs,” I’m willing to say almost anything to make him fall back into the old, in control, self-assured Dane that I’ve gotten to know
“No, I mean with you, I feel comfortable showing you around, bringing you here... there’s so much... I feel like I can be honest with you... I feel happy around you,” he pushes out as his eyes widen with what looks like his own realisations coming to life as he tells me.
“Well, I’m glad you feel comfortable around me, but that’s no reason for me to push you. Look, I know you invited me here to tell me something, but I’m done with pushing. It’s not fair and it’s not me... hell, I’ve kept so many secrets over the years, who am I to push you into being honest with me!”
“Pea, you don’t understand, I appreciate what you’re saying, and that you’re willing to give me space and believe me if it were anyone else I would rip their arm off for that chance. What the fuck am I saying... anyone else wouldn’t even be here in the first place. Nobody else would get this far into my life,” he mumbles as though he’s talking to himself now and I’m not sure exactly what’s going on. I’ve never felt like there’s been any romantic vibes between us, but the words he’s saying to me has me starting to freak out slightly now. Have I misread all the signals? Does he want or even expect something more?
I search around the room to see if the path to the door is clear, but he’s standing in the line of flight. He must see my panic and my flitting eyes as his brow creases.
“Pea?”
I say nothing just shake my head from side to side.
Love Reflection (Entwined Hearts #1) Page 20