Little White Lies

by Jessica Burkhart

  “Exit at A at a free walk,” Mr. Conner said. Heather did and rode Aristocrat back to Jas and me.

  “Nice,” I said. “Aristocrat looked great during the circles.”

  “Thanks,” Heather said.

  Jas rolled her eyes and looked at me. “When did you become a dressage expert?”

  Mr. Conner walked up to us, still marking on his clipboard. He finally looked up at Heather. “Aristocrat’s gaits looked smooth,” he said. “Your circles were great. I’d like you to work more on impulsion.”

  “I will,” Heather said. “His hind legs weren’t as engaged as they should have been.”

  “I agree,” Mr. Conner. “Watch a few United States Equestrian Team DVDs and pay attention to how the riders encourage their horses to move forward with energy.”

  Mr. Conner looked at me. “You’re up, Sasha. Please exit the arena and wait for my signal.”

  I tried to breathe as I rode Charm through the exit, then turned him back to face the arena. Mr. Conner instructed me to enter, and Charm and I started the same test Heather had just completed.

  Charm was supple under me and I felt him relax with each move. The hours in YENT camp that we’d practiced dressage were paying off. We moved from marker to marker, listening to Mr. Conner as he called out the moves.

  “Working trot to C,” Mr. Conner called.

  Charm and I completed the last twenty-meter circle, trotted down the centerline, slowed to a walk, and halted. Charm stopped the second I asked him to. I saluted Mr. Conner and left the arena. Charm trotted over to rejoin Aristocrat and Phoenix. The mock test had been one of our best and I couldn’t wait to tell Callie—she was one of the best dressage riders at school. She was going to be superproud.

  “That was nice, Sasha,” Mr. Conner said. “Where did Charm feel strongest to you?”

  “During the working trot,” I said. “He was on the bit and listening to me.”

  Mr. Conner nodded. “I’d say the same. Good ride.” He marked something on his clipboard.

  Jas leaned over to me. “I’m about to make your test look even more pathetic than it actually was,” she said.

  “Go for it,” I said.

  Jas cued Phoenix forward and I watched, knowing my test had been good, but Jas was stronger in dressage.

  Heather and I were silent as we watched Jas ride. Phoenix changed gaits the second Jas asked him to, flowed through every circle and halted crisply when it was time for her to salute. He stood still, not even flicking an ear while he waited for a signal from Jas.

  “Well done,” Mr. Conner said. “I’d like to see Phoenix just a touch less submissive, though. He needs to move with more confidence and freedom.”

  “Yes, sir,” Jasmine said. “I’ll practice that with him.” Jas patted Phoenix’s neck and the gray lowered his head, responding to her touch.

  “Good job, everyone,” Mr. Conner said. “You’ve all impressed me today. I can see great changes in your dressage movements since YENT camp. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  He left the arena and I dismounted, smiling to myself. Charm and I had sooo needed that lesson to go as well as it had.

  I cooled him out and groomed him. He stood quietly on crossties while I mucked his stall and refilled his water bucket. Mike or Doug had given him a fresh flake of hay while I’d been in class.

  I released him into his stall and latched the door shut. I leaned over the door, putting my arms on top and resting my chin on my arms while I watched Charm take a drink, and then move to his hay net.

  “You were a total dressage star,” I said. “I can’t wait to tell Callie.”

  Eric would be happy for me too. He knew I struggled with dressage.

  “Bye, boy,” I told Charm. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  I gathered his tack and walked to the tack room. I could hear laughter through the door before I’d even pushed it open. Inside, Rachel and two of her friends—I could never remember their names—were leaning against an empty saddle rack, grinning at Eric. He looked up, sponge in hand as he scrubbed the cantle of Luna’s saddle.

  “Hey, Sasha,” he said.

  “Hi,” I said, smiling at him and nodding at Rachel and her friends. One had braces and the other had short brown hair with blond highlights. They were always following Eric around and practically drooling over him. But there was no way I was going to let it bother me.

  “How was your lesson?” Rachel asked.

  “Fine, thanks,” I said.

  Rachel stepped aside as I plopped Charm’s saddle onto his saddle rack.

  “Eric, do you need help or anything?” Rachel asked. “We can totally clean tack, too.”

  Before Eric could respond, I turned around to look at Rachel. “I think he’s got it. Don’t you have your own tack or horses to take care of?”

  I regretted it the second it came out of my mouth.

  Rachel’s eyes locked with mine for a second before she took a tiny step back. “Yeah. I guess we do. See you.”

  She and her friends shuffled out of the room and I shook my head, letting out a slow breath. I put Charm’s bridle on the hook and turned to find Eric with his arms folded.

  “What was that about?” he asked. “You okay?”

  I ducked my head, knowing I’d been wrong. Rachel was definitely annoying, but she was harmless. Eric would never go for her—ever.

  “Sorry,” I said. “I’m tired and I guess I just overreacted. I’m fine, really.”

  Eric walked over and wrapped his arms around me. I leaned into his hug, squeezing him.

  “That,” I said, “was exactly what I needed.”

  Eric ran his hands down my arms. “I know. Things have been bad this week. But remember how overwhelmed I was when I first came to Canterwood? And you too? It will get better.”

  I forced a smile. “I know. It will.”

  When I figure out a way to stop lying to you and everyone else.

  “I’ve got to go,” I said. “Callie and I are studying in Orchard.”

  “Sounds like my night. But I’ll be in Blackwell with a couple of guys from my floor.”

  Eric squeezed my hand and smiled at me as I walked to the door.

  I left him in the tack room, cleaning Luna’s saddle, and headed for Winchester. Distracted, I almost walked into a bench. Stop it, I told myself. Rachel was nothing to worry about. She was a seventh grader with a crush. Eric would never cheat on me. I was just exhausted and paranoid from trying to keep up with my own lies. I obviously couldn’t trust anyone else because I was doing so much lying.

  18

  DEFINE “TRUST”

  CALLIE AND I NEEDED TWO TABLES IN ORCHARD to hold all of our books, papers, folders, and notes. I’d always liked visiting Orchard’s common room. The walls were painted a light cranberry and trimmed with oatmeal-colored paint. The colors made the room feel sophisticated—like a college hangout.

  “This,” Callie said, “is ridiculous.” She shook her head at our mess.

  “Totally. The teachers have lost it. I mean, I don’t even know where to start.”

  “But at least that’s been the only bad part about school starting,” Callie said, smiling. “We knew there would be tons of homework and we’ll get it done. Everything else has been so awesome. I missed you and Jacob so much over the summer and it’s been so much fun hanging out. It was hard to be away from Jacob for a whole summer.”

  “I get it. And that’s great,” I said, flipping to a clean sheet of paper. “Is he superbusy too?”

  “Yeah, we have to coordinate schedules just to get coffee. It’s so wrong.”

  “Same thing with Eric and me. Our phones are having the relationship right now. At least I get to see him once in a while at the stable.”

  Callie giggled. “How’s riding? Tell me about it. We’ve barely had a chance to talk about that.”

  “It’s hard,” I said. “I’m just trying to focus on myself and not worry about Heather and Jasmine. If I could stop worrying about them, thin
gs would be so much easier.”

  “Absolutely. That’s your thing—you’re good and you don’t give yourself enough credit. You can absolutely compete with those girls. You’re going to kill at shows.”

  There wasn’t a hint of insincerity in Callie’s voice.

  “Thanks.” I smiled. “How are your lessons going?”

  “Pretty well,” Callie said. “You would have been so proud of Eric and me today.”

  “What happened?”

  Callie uncapped her Zebra highlighter. “We worked on jumping in the outdoor arena today. Mr. Conner set up a bunch of verticals of increasing height. We both got called out by Mr. Conner for having the best form when we jumped.”

  “Niiice.” I raised my palm for a high five. “Eric didn’t tell me about that.”

  “He was cool about it,” Callie said. “But I couldn’t stop smiling after Mr. Conner said it to me. I told Eric that he was making me look bad.”

  I sighed quietly. Callie and Eric—my best friend and boyfriend—were having fun together and I was miserable on my own team.

  I flipped to the right chapter for history before glancing over at Callie. “So … do you and Eric talk a lot? Like, before or after class?”

  Callie shrugged and wrote her name on her math worksheet. “Sometimes. You know how it is—there’s not really much time to talk. Everyone’s rushing around to get to the arena on time.”

  “Yeah,” I said.

  Callie glanced over at me. “You don’t care that we’re talking, right? Do you?”

  “No, no!” I said. “I don’t care at all.” My voice got squeaky and I knew Callie would think I was lying. I didn’t care if they talked all day—I just hated that they were building a friendship because if they ever found out about my lies, that friendship would be ruined too.

  Callie looked down at the table. “It’s just … I thought we were past that. After what happened with Jacob, you still don’t trust me with Eric?”

  I dropped my pen and reached across the table to touch her arm. “Of course I do, Callie. I know it sounded that way, but it wasn’t what I meant at all. I promise.”

  Callie stared at me for a minute, playing with her silver hoop earring. “Okay. Because you know I’d never do that again. Ever. I’m just so glad we’re best friends again. I’d never risk messing that up. And … I’m really happy with Jacob.”

  Guilt. Guiltguiltguilt. “Just forget I said that. We are best friends. I don’t care at all if you talk to Eric. Really.”

  Callie smiled. “Okay. And finally, right? No secrets—nothing. It’s a good feeling.”

  I nodded and we went back to our homework. A few minutes later my phone buzzed. I leaned over and opened the phone.

  Hope 2day’s lesson went btr.

  Jacob.

  I snapped the phone shut and took a breath before I sat up.

  Right. No more secrets.

  19

  ADMIT WHAT?

  AT THE CAFETERIA, I DUG INTO MY MAC AND cheese and then moved onto my burger. Paige had a teacher meeting and was missing this lunch period. Eric was running late from class and had texted that he’d be late and to start lunch without him.

  Someone sat across from me and I looked up, expecting to see Callie. But it was Jacob.

  “What are you doing?” I asked.

  “Come on,” Jacob said. “We are allowed to talk.” He brushed his hair out of his eyes and folded his arms on top of the table.

  “Jacob, stop it. Eric’s going to be here any second and I really don’t want him to see us talking.”

  “Because he’d be jealous?” Jacob’s eyes were on my face.

  “No,” I said, slowly. “Because …”

  I couldn’t finish my sentence. Truth: Eric would be annoyed at Jacob for talking to me, but he wouldn’t be mad at me. Truer truth: If Eric saw Jacob and me talking, I wondered if he’d be able to sense that I was confused about my feelings for Jacob.

  “Because,” I started again. “I hate coming to lunch and feeling like I have to hide from you. You keep coming up to me even though I asked you not to.”

  My voice had an angry edge. I wanted Jacob to go.

  But instead of getting up and walking away, he leaned closer. “You’re not mad at me,” he said, his voice quiet. “You just hate this situation.”

  I looked down.

  “You hate that you’re confused about how you feel. I know that you …” Jacob paused. “… like Eric, but you also like me. And you don’t want to admit it because it would make you feel like the worst girlfriend and an awful best friend.”

  My ears pounded and my face flushed. There wasn’t an ounce of question in his voice.

  “Jacob,” I said. “That’s not at all what—”

  Jacob shook his head. “Stop lying. If you can’t tell me that you like me, at least consider admitting it to yourself. Then maybe you’ll be able to figure out what to do.”

  I realized I hadn’t taken a breath in a while and I gulped in air. I wanted to tell Jacob that I was confused. That I still liked Eric. And that I couldn’t hurt Callie. I looked down at my plate, then back at Jacob.

  “You need to go,” I said. “Before Eric gets here. Please.”

  Jacob took a deep breath, then nodded. “Okay. But you’re going to hurt them more in the end by lying to yourself.”

  “I am not lying,” I heard myself say. “I like Eric. You like Callie. And the only thing I’m lying about is what you did—confessing that you still liked me. And you have no idea how much that’s complicated everything.”

  Jacob’s eyes focused on mine. “I’m sorry I made things weird for you, but I had to tell you how I felt. I do like Callie. But you and I never got a chance. I want that.”

  He got up and left the cafeteria. I stared at the doorway, not knowing what I wanted. Did I want Jacob to come back and argue with me again? Not show up for lunch again? I didn’t know. But I did know that he was wrong about one thing—my lies were protecting everyone, not hurting them.

  Callie and Eric were never going to find out, especially not after I was working so hard to keep it from them. Callie would never be hurt by what Jacob had said because I’d never tell her. Eric would never know that Jacob and I had been talking and no one would ever know that I’d wondered if I was with the right guy.

  Eric’s it, I told myself. Put it to rest.

  Eric appeared in the doorway and scanned the caf for me. I waved and he smiled and got in the lunch line. I watched him the entire way through the line—and seeing him only reconfirmed my decision. I liked Eric so much and he had always been there for me. Jacob needed to leave me alone.

  Eric sat down, sighing.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  “Nothing,” he said. “I just saw Jacob in the hallway and he just gave me this look. I try to be cool with that guy, but then he acts like a total jerk.”

  I pressed my lips together—trying to say the right thing. “Maybe it wasn’t directed at you. He could just be having a bad day or something.”

  Eric shrugged. “Why? Did he say something to you before I got here?”

  Yes. Only that he still wants me back.

  “No,” I said. “I saw him, but he didn’t talk to me. He looked kind of mad, so that’s why I said it probably wasn’t about you.”

  The lie slipped out so easily. I wanted to smack myself in the face. I could have told him that I had talked to Jacob without going into detail about our conversation. But instead, I’d lied about the whole thing.

  Eric nodded and took a bite of his meatball sub. “Okay. Let’s not talk about Jacob anymore.” He smiled and offered me a French fry. “Tell me about health class with Utz. I wish I’d gotten her for that class.”

  I laughed, glad to talk about anything else. “You’re so missing the best class ever,” I said. “It’s just been general health stuff so far. But soon, she’s going to be prepping us to start CPR on the dummies. I already know that’s going to be amaaazing.”


  Eric grinned.

  “I can’t wait till she teaches you the Heimlich,” Eric said. “I just hope she’s never had to really save anyone from choking. She’d lock them into some crazy wrestling move and probably break their ribs.”

  “So true. Maybe choking would be a less painful way to go,” I teased. “Instead of being crushed by Utz.”

  We laughed and joked until the end of the period.

  I looked down at Mr. Conner from atop Charm’s back, waiting for instruction. Heather, Jasmine, and I had just led our horses outside and mounted. I patted Charm’s neck as Mr. Conner consulted his clipboard, then looked up at us.

  “We’ll be doing cross-country today,” Mr. Conner said.

  Charm’s ears went forward. Charm and I loved cross-country. Plus, today was the perfect day to be out on the course. It was supercloudy and breezy—as if it could pour at any second—a welcome change from the lessons we’d sweated through.

  Mr. Conner’s eyes stayed on me for a second and he smiled. “Sasha, you’re up first. We’re going to take a new abbreviated course that was just set up in the field. It’s a basic course and the jumps are fairly simple—we’re just using it as a starter for the season before we go back to the regular course. You’ve all looked over the diagram I e-mailed last night, right?”

  We nodded. The course wasn’t too long or complicated enough that it required us to walk it before riding, but Mr. Conner had sent us a course map so we’d know where to go.

  “Heather and Jasmine,” Mr. Conner continued, “I want you both to watch Sasha’s technique. She knows how to get the best out of Charm—when to push him and when to hold him back.”

  I tried not to grin. Mr. Conner rarely gave out compliments and when he did, it was a big deal.

  “Let’s go,” Mr. Conner said.

  We started toward the course and Charm’s pace quickened with every stride. When we reached the start, Mr. Conner turned to me. “There aren’t any surprises out there, so there’s no need to worry about not having walked the course. You’ll be able to see each jump ahead of time. There’s nothing you or Charm haven’t encountered before. All right?”

  I nodded. “Okay.”