Texting Box Set: The Complete Series
Page 5
Zach: Speaking of those potholders…when am I getting those? We live close. We could always meet…
Me: You think you’re so slick.
Zach: Aren’t I?
Me: No.
Zach: Well?
Me: I’ll consider it, but later. I still have to ensure you’re not a creeper.
Zach: You’ll knit a man potholders but won’t give them to him? Who’s the jerk now?
Me: Buy me that baby goat and we have a deal.
Zach: You play a tough hand, Delia.
Me: Question is, will you win this round, or will I?
Zach: I just thought of something.
Me: Congratulations!
Zach: We should “accidentally” meet up and you can “accidentally” give me those potholders.
Me: Using quotes doesn’t make your scheme not a scheme. Cheater!
Zach: Well, I never…
Me: Nice try, bucko.
Zach: I’ll break you down eventually. I WILL be the winner of this battle.
Me: Yeah, yeah, I’ll believe it when I see it.
Zach: I’m sending you a picture. It is NOT a dick pick. Also, DO NOT FUCKING JUDGE ME. Okay?
Me: First, thank you for not sending me pictures of your wiener. I appreciate it. Second, we’ll see. Third, IT IS SIX AM ON A SUNDAY. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? GO TO SLEEP.
Zach: Oh shit! Did I wake you?
Me: No. Yes…but also no. I can’t sleep.
Zach: Well you’re going to be UP after you see this. ;-)
Me: Did you just try to make a boner joke and forget I can’t get boners because I HAVE A VAGINA?
Zach: It’s early. Stop judging me!
Zach: You ready?
Me: As I’ll ever be.
Zach: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
Me: WHERE IN THE HELL DID YOU FIND THAT?!
Zach: The flea market. They sell them there.
Me: YOU BOUGHT ME A SMILING BABY GOAT?
Zach: No, I bought ME a smiling baby goat.
Me: So…you bought me one?
Zach: Goaty is MINE.
Me: I just spit my coffee all over the kitchen. You named your goat GOATY? That’s dumb. We’re changing that.
Zach: Can you come up with something better?
Me: Literally anything is better than Goaty.
Me: Casper?
Me: Nah. Vanilla Swirl.
Me: NO WAIT! MARSHMALLOW!
Zach: Are you hungry?
Me: Starving. I’m about to cook breakfast.
Zach: Explains the food-themed names. Though I do like Marshmallow…hmm…
Me: It’s the PERFECT name. We can even buy a dark brown one and a tan one and name them Graham Cracker and Milk Chocolate.
Zach: Did you just create a s’more out of my future goats?
Me: …maybe.
Zach: Is this indicative of how hungry you are? You’re thinking about s’mores at six AM? When’s the last time you ate?
Me: For your information, it is ALWAYS okay to be thinking about s’mores. They’re fucking delicious.
Me: Also, I’m not sure. I think I had popcorn at like six last night? I missed dinner and I’ve been busy catching up on stuff since I got home from work.
Zach: YOU’VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT?
Me: No. Well, sort of. I took a two-hour nap.
Zach: Go nap, Delia! I mean, eat first, but then go nap.
Me: I’m going, I’m going…
Zach: One last thing…
Zach: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
Me: MARSHMALLOW IS EATING A MARSHMALLOW
Me: P.S. Cute chick slippers.
Zach: Excuse me, Wonder Woman is the shit.
Zach: Now hush and go sleep.
Me: I have napped and refreshed myself. What’s good?
Zach: I’m currently on an adventure with my roommate. We’re getting toys, food, and supplies for Marshmallow.
Me: Did you even check to see if you’re allowed to have him as a pet?
Zach: Pfft. I’m the master of research. *runs off to Google*
Me: Tsk, tsk.
Me: WAIT! What if you’re not allowed to have him? What will you do with him then?!
Zach: Excellent news! Since I technically live outside city limits, I can keep him! We’re going to have the best of times.
Me: I want to pet him. Is he with you now?
Zach: Yeah, he’s in the car with my roomie while I grab his essentials.
Zach: Ugh. I’ll have to build him stuff. I hate building things.
Me: He needs places to play!
Zach: I know, I know. I’m on it.
Me: Make sure you build it big. For his brothers…
Zach: So the S’mores clan can have a big place to play?
Me: Does this mean you’re on board with it?
Zach: The idea is growing on me…
Me: Told you I’d win. ;-)
Zach: Yeah, yeah. Hush.
Zach: This baby goat will not stop shitting.
Me: Yeah…goats do that.
Zach: He also keeps trying to eat my pants.
Me: Take them off.
Me: WAIT. That was pervy.
Zach: Are we FINALLY going to sext?
Me: Yes. But first, send me a picture of Marshmallow. I miss him.
Zach: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
Me: Is that…your face?
Zach: Um…one-fourth of it.
Zach: Holy shit. I just realized we have never seen one another. Like, at all.
Me: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
Me: There, we’re even.
Zach: Wow. Your brow is so sexy. Also, are those freckles I see?
Me: Yes…and that proves how hard you studied the photo. Creep.
Zach: What did you notice on mine? Don’t lie.
Me: You have bushy eyebrows.
Me: Which I find sexy.
Me: OMG I CANNOT BELIEVE I SENT THAT!
Zach: I think your freckles are sexy.
Me: You’re only saying that because I said your eyebrows are sexy. Don’t be that guy.
Zach: The guy who gives out genuine compliments?
Me: No, the guy who says polite things when he doesn’t mean them. Like when an old lady is all, “Oh wow, I love your smile.” And you’re like, “Thanks, I love your perfume.” And then you’ve just lied because literally nobody likes the smell of old lady perfume.
Zach: I bet if you were an old lady, I’d like your perfume.
Me: Stop. It.
Me: But yeah, I bet you would. ;-)
Zach: You are so incredibly full of yourself. Well, except for when I genuinely try to compliment you on your freckles. Then you’re just a complete shithead.
Me: Did you just call me a shithead?
Zach: Yes. Shithead.
Me: That’s it, you owe me another picture of Marshmallow.
Zach: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
Me: OMG!!!!! He’s wearing a diaper! It’s so cute. I’m crying. *sobs*
Zach: I’ve never been proud of making a girl cry before. *sobs*
6
Me: Save me. I’m bored.
Zach: I’m not sending you dirty texts, Delia.
Me: I DID NOT SAY THAT.
Zach: Oh, please. This entire thing was a cry for dirty pictures.
Me: You are such a damn liar. You wish I wanted pictures from you.
Zach. I’m sending you one. BRB.
Me: Wow. The anticipation is killing me.
Zach: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
Me: You took a bathroom selfie with Marshmallow?!
Zach: His first. I’m so proud of him. Hope I got his best angle.
Me: He looks great, and I love how you still don’t show your entire face.
Zach: That’ll just ruin the surprise for when you give in and finally agree to meet up with me.
Zach: I’m way cute, by the way.
Me: Bushy eyebrows and all, huh?
Zach: Is that a sexual thing you’re into? Bushy brows? HOLD ON. Did you save my picture for your spank bank?
Zach: I bet you’re into weird sexual shit.
Me: Am not. I’m vanilla.
Me: Shit, that’s the last thing I should admit to a guy. I’m a horrible flirt.
Zach: Wait, we’re flirting? Shit. I would have sent you a pic of my six-pack if I had known. Hang on.
Zach: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
Me: Okay, I was expecting beer because you’re lame like that, and a VERY small part of me was hoping for a picture of your actual abs, but this? Yeah…I wasn’t expecting this. I didn’t even know people still owned those fake abs shirts.
Zach: In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m a bit of a nerd. P.S. How’d you like those muscles?
Me: Oh. Hmm…I didn’t even see. Let me zoom in real quick.
Me: That right arm appears to be a little bigger than the left. Hmm… *taps chin*
Zach: That’s my gaming mouse arm.
Me: And the nerd hits keep on coming.
Zach: How about this…you show me yours, I’ll show you mine.
Me: My what?
Zach: I don’t know. Anything.
Zach: Come on, Delia. Let’s get textual.
Me: Did you just…
Me: I can’t right now. CANNOT EVEN.
Zach: You love that I supply you with endless witty banter and say stupid shit. Come on, admit it—you like it.
Me: I do not!
Me: *whispers* I really do.
Zach: BUSTED!
Zach: Now, you going to send a pic or what?
Me: No faces, right?
Zach: No, because we’re not ruining the surprise.
Me: Fine. One moment.
Me: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
Zach: YOUR FEET?!
Me: Is that not what you wanted? Oh, my bad. I assumed that was what one did while sexting.
Zach: Some people are super into it, and whatever, that’s their thing, but no. GOOD LORD, NO.
Zach: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
Me: Omg. Who painted your toenails?!
Zach: My roommate has a son who is super into nail polish right now, so I let him paint my toes for me.
Me: I have tears in my eyes. You’re amazing.
Me: Does the kiddo spend a lot of time there?
Zach: Every other weekend. He’s conked out in my bed with Marshmallow right now. They’re best friends.
Zach: How did we go from talking about sexting to talking about kids? I feel ripped off.
Me: It was the feet.
Zach: Be honest…did you save THAT pic for the spank bank?
Me: Obviously. Who doesn’t love sparkly man feet?
Me: Okay, no. That made me throw up in my mouth.
Me: Zach? Did I lose you at that? Too far?
Me: Huh. Guess so. It was nice knowing you…
Me: Did I do something wrong? We tend to text often and, yeah, I feel like I’ve been ghosted for the last sixteen hours.
Zach: I think it’s sweet you’ve counted the number of hours since we last chatted. You like me.
Me: Never.
Zach: No, you didn’t do anything wrong, Delia. I was tangled up with Xavier and Marshmallow. Both shit the bed, so that was fun. Then Xavier’s mom’s car broke down and Robbie had to figure out what was up there and it was a whole thing. I wasn’t ignoring you, promise.
Zach: Confession: I picked up my phone three different times to text you today and each time I was pulled away to do something else.
Zach: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
Me: You sent me a picture of shit. Baby goat shit and baby human shit. You’re horrible at sexting.
Me: P.S. I don’t envy you.
Me: Oh and I’m glad you’re not mad at me. I was worried I’d ruined our beautiful, yet strange friendship.
Zach: I’m not THAT easy to get rid of.
Zach: What’s on the agenda the rest of the night?
Me: Work. I’m here now. Hopefully I’ll be cut and sent home soon though. We’re dead and I could go for an ice cream and a nap—in that order.
Zach: Please tell me you enjoy respectable ice cream.
Me: Is that your way of asking me what kind I eat?
Zach: Yes.
Me: Brand or flavor?
Zach: Both, because they both matter.
Me: Mint Chocolate Chip, Baskin Robbins.
Zach: Hmm…I’ll allow it. Although BR is much better fresh, their selection isn’t horrible compared to others.
Me: And what kind of ice cream do you enjoy?
Zach: Birthday cake is my favorite but it’s hard to find a quality frozen one. I usually make a special trip across town for it.
Me: Do you go where I think you go?
Zach: Boom’s?
Me: YESSSS! Best. Ice cream. Ever.
Zach: Let’s go. Right now. Put your pants on, we’re headed to Boom’s!
Me: You’re joking…
Zach: I am, but only because I’m already in bed…naked.
Me: Oh I wish I were there.
Zach: You want to be in bed naked with me? I like where this is going, Delia.
Me: I want to be in MY bed naked.
Zach: That doesn’t sound nearly as fun.
Me: It is for me. ;-)
Me: We can be honest with each other, right?
Zach: I hope so.
Me: Did you expect this wrong number to turn out like it has?
Zach: You mean did I anticipate a virtual stranger texting me at random hours demanding I help her make decisions about what SHE wants to eat? Or sharing her rambling thoughts? Or her continually trying to sext with me? OR what about me buying a baby goat because said stranger wouldn’t shut up about how adorable they are and then I spent hours on Google watching videos of these precious angels and it turned into a weird obsession until I bought one.
Zach: All of that?
Me: I think you’ve summed up our relationship perfectly.
Zach: No, Delia, I didn’t expect all that out of a wrong number.
Me: Are you glad it happened?
Zach: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
Zach: This adorable pint-size goat ate my favorite pair of shoes. I kind of hate you right now.
Zach: Yes…he said begrudgingly.
Me: Oh stop. I’m blushing.
Me: Honestly, though…it’s not weird?
Zach: Nah. Well, sort of. But nah.
Me: You make so much sense.
Zach: I know.
Me: Sigh. I’m supposed be productive right now but I can’t shut my brain off.
Zach: So you’re saying I’M on your mind? *wink*
Me: UGHHHHH.
Me: I keep digging my hole deeper with you.
Me: I SWEAR, if you make ONE friggin’ hole joke…
Zach: What are you going to do? Yell at me via text? I’m shaking in my boots.
Me: I will find you.
Zach: Let me guess, you have a very particular set of skills?
Me: I’m great with blow jobs.
Zach: HOLY SHIT. I laughed so loud I farted and scared our baby goat.
Me: OUR baby goat, huh? I see what you did there…
Me: Oh no—what if we stop talking? What happens with Marshmallow? Or his brothers? HOW WILL I EVER GET TO SEE MY BABY AGAIN?! *cries*