Hard Day's Knight

by Hartness, John G.

  “I was really afraid you were going to say something like that.” I looked around for the cavalry that I knew wasn’t coming, drew my backup piece with my left hand, and stepped forward in front of the beasties. “Hey, assface!” I yelled. Both of them turned toward me, which I supposed was what I wanted, but I really needed to work on my planning part of the plan.

  “Where’s the girl, dental nightmare?” I yelled.

  The big one looked down at me. “Thank you for providing Baal with this host, mortal. In thanks for your loyal service, I shall kill you quickly.” The female formerly known Bun-head whispered something to Baal, and he turned to me and grinned. “Never mind. Belial says that you were no help at all. That means I get to play with you a while before I kill you.” Baal took a step forward, out of the remnants of the circle, and I felt the floor shake with his weight. The glowing magical barrier winked out of existence, and there was nothing standing between me and the object of my fourth-grade nightmares except about twenty feet of faintly brimstone-scented gymnasium air. Whoever first wrote that high school was hell had do idea just how right they were.

  “Greg, you got any bright ideas?” I yelled without taking my eyes off of the demons in front of me.

  “You take the big one and I’ll fight the one with all the boobs?” He sounded about as scared as I felt.

  “You only want to fight the chick so you can cop a feel and claim you got to second base.” I figured one last laugh couldn’t hurt.

  “Yeah, but that would give me a score in a new decade, so I’d be ahead of you!” He fired off a clip at Belial’s head and then launched himself at the demon. I was amazed to see that he actually knocked her off her feet with his attack. I began to think we might have a shot at surviving this after all.

  Then I looked at Baal, a couple of feet taller and a couple hundred pounds heavier, with muscles in places I was pretty sure I didn’t have places, and that thought vanished. “Alright, tall dark and drooling, let’s do this.” I emptied my backup into his kneecaps, and wasn’t surprised at all to see him not even flinch. I drew my big knife and jumped at the monster, and a second later found myself looking up at a disco ball hanging from the gym ceiling.

  “Ooooh. Pretty.” I mumbled. Then I saw the massive clawed foot rushing at my head and rolled to the side just as Baal would have stomped my head flatter than a fast food hamburger. His claws dug deep into the hardwood, and all I could think was I am not picking up the tab for refinishing that. I kept rolling to the side and he kept stomping until I finally ran out of floor and expected to feel my brains squirt out my ears at any moment. I guess this is where we find out how to kill a vampire, I thought as his foot came rushing down. I’ll admit it – I closed my eyes. I couldn’t handle the thought of watching my death come in the form of a size 48 bunion, so I squeezed my eyes shut.

  But no squashing happened, just a huge crash a few feet away and a bellow that shook the rafters. No really, the rafters shook. A volleyball that had to have been wedged up there for at least five years came down and landed next to me, flat and dusty. I opened my eyes, and when I didn’t see a demon getting ready to step on me, I sat up. That’s when I saw that things had finally gotten really weird.

  Chapter 35

  Greg had beaten Belial down pretty hard, but she was fighting back and they were slugging it out at one end of the gym, but that wasn’t what had surprised me. Standing at center court, with a glowing sword in his hands, was Phil. Baal was down on one knee a quarter of the court away, glaring at Phil with glowing red eyes.

  “What are you doing, Zepheril? You’re one of us!” Shouted the demon, and I could feel the heat from his breath all the way across the gym. Unfortunately, I could smell his breath, too. And that dude seriously needed to revisit his dental regimen.

  “No matter what I’ve done, I never have been, and never will be one of you, demon.” And the way he said demon was like it was the vilest curse he could throw at something. And maybe to him it was. I’d never seen Phil like that – his wings were unfurled to their full width, at least eight feet tip to tip, and he had somehow changed his outfit again to a kind of armor, but armor that almost glowed. It looked old, like a flickering lightbulb trying to come on but one that didn’t quite have the juice. His sword, which had hung at his side looking normal in my apartment, had grown to about six feet in length, with a huge hilt and a blade that was almost blinding white to look at.

  Baal just glared at him, and after a long minute said “So be it, angel. Prepare to meet your little God again.” And he spread wings of his own, gigantic bat wings that I would have sworn weren’t there a few minutes ago, and soared towards Phil with his claws out and teeth bared.

  Phil flew back at him, and for a few moments all I could see was the flash of the blade and claws, they moved so fast. Then my attention shifted over to the corner of the room where Greg and Belial were still fighting. It looked a lot like Belial was winning, based on the fact that she was holding Greg up with one hand and beating his face in with the other. I took a running jump and grabbed Belial’s arm and spun her around. She dropped Greg and backhanded me. I fell back a step, but caught myself and spun back into her with a right cross that came from my heels.

  Maybe the little nibble I had of Lilith did make me stronger, because Belial flew clear across the gym before crashing into the bleachers against the far wall. I looked over at Greg, who was getting to his feet gingerly. He looked like you’d expect a vampire to look after being used as a sparring partner by a demoness. In other words, he looked like a bag of crap.

  I crossed the gym and stopped before I got to Belial. “Where’s Sabrina?”

  “You mean the police tramp?” She hissed at me from what looked like a broken jaw. Good. I hoped it hurt. A lot.

  “Yeah, her.”

  “She’s gone, vampire. She was my final sacrifice to bring my father to this world. You’ve lost, now just admit it and die like the sheep you are.”

  “Baah-Baah, bitch.” I said, and I emptied the clip on my Glock into her face. Her head bubbled and exploded as the rounds split her forehead. “Looks like those silver bullets did a little good after all.” I put a fresh clip in the pistol and turned back to where Baal and Phil had been duking it out.

  The angel and the demon were breathing heavily, both looking the worse for wear. Phil had blood oozing from a gash on his side, and there was a hole in his shoulder where it looked like Baal had pierced him with a claw. Baal only had one wing left, and it was hanging in tatters. They were circling warily, each probing the other’s defenses.

  Now and then one would take a cautious swipe with claw or sword, testing the defenses of their opponent. Phil noticed me out of the corner of his eye and nodded to me slightly. I saw him trying to maneuver around so that Baal would be between him and me, so I could get a clear shot, but Baal just stood in the middle of the gym and laughed.

  “It will be a cold day below when you can lead me into that trap, Zepheril.” The monster chuckled.

  “It was worth a try, demon.” The angel replied, a wry smile on his lips.

  “Why are you helping these mortals, Zepheril? You’ve always sided with the winners before now. You know that only the strongest survive, so why are you throwing in with these weak sacks of meat?”

  “I picked the wrong side once, Baal. If I’ve been given the opportunity to correct that mistake, I’ll not let it go by.” I wasn’t sure what Phil was talking about, but as long as he wanted to fight the big bad guy, I was willing to let him.

  Then quicker than a thought, they were at it again. Faster than my eye could follow, Phil went after Baal with the sword. Baal parried just as fast, and lashed out at Phil with his razor-sharp claws. Phil ducked under one slashing blow and stabbed at the monster with his sword. Baal actually caught the blade with one hand, but white fire flowed over his clawed fist and the demon yanked his burned hand back.

  Phil followed in with a slashing overhead blow, but Ba
al was too fast, dancing backwards with a grace that belied his giant size and massive muscles. Baal lunged forward with both arms, stabbing at Phil with his claws, but the angel spread his wings and flew over his attack and slashed at the monster’s back. The blade drew a thin line of white fire down the demon’s back, and he let out a howl that blew the glass out of the backboards all around the gym.

  I saw a split-second opening while Phil was clear and the monster was distracted, and I took my shot. Squaring my feet, I emptied my last clip of silver ammo into the back of the demon’s head, and had the satisfaction of seeing the beast fall face-first into the gym floor. Phil landed beside the fallen demon and raised his sword high.

  “Nooooo!” I screamed and launched myself at the angel, catching him in a tackle worthy of the Pittsburgh Steelers. We tumbled head over heels across the gym as I tried to keep him from killing Baal.

  “What are you doing, vampire?” I looked down when we had stopped to see a very pissed off angel just inches away from my face. He stood up, taking me with him, and grabbed me by the shirtfront. “I had him beaten. I’ve waited centuries to make this right, and now you decide to interfere? What the hell are you thinking?”

  “Sabrina,” I croaked. He had more than a little throat in his grip. “We’ve got to save Sabrina. You kill Baal’s body, what happens to his host?”

  “Idiot! His host isn’t even on this plane of existence anymore. She’s in Hell, you moron! He traded places with her, that’s why you could kill all those little girls without really doing any harm. Or didn’t you think of that?” Honestly, I hadn’t thought at all. I just figured Greg’s inner psychopath had finally surfaced, and I never liked little girls that much anyway.

  “Oh.” I said quietly. “Well, as you were then, back to the killing big demon things.” I turned back to see where we had left Baal laying in the middle of the floor, but of course, nothing’s ever that easy.

  Chapter 36

  Of course the demon wasn’t where we had left him. Demons aren’t exactly renowned for obedience, after all. That’s why they’re demons and not angels, I suppose. Baal had gotten to his feet and pulled himself back together. He looked a little the worse for wear, but I hate fighting things that heal faster than me. And he definitely had the edge on me there. I took a quick inventory and realized that I had exactly one knife, a .380 pistol with eight rounds of regular ammo, a Glock 17 without a bullet to be had, and a bad attitude. Phil had a really big and apparently magical sword, and Greg looked like he had two fists and a concussion. The more I thought about it, the worse our odds looked. So I did what I always do in those situations – I stopped thinking.

  I jumped as high into the rafters as I could and yelled out to Greg “Go low!” He dove in at Baal’s feet while I dropped in from the rafters on his head, hoping to accomplish something besides getting cut in half by Phil’s oversized toothpick. Baal was too fast for either of us, though, swatting us both out of the air like mosquitoes. Really big mosquitoes in Greg’s case, but you get the idea.

  I managed to adjust my course enough to land on a broken basketball backboard, and turned back to the fight to see Phil wading back in with his sword. He and Baal were weaving a deadly ballet in the air over the gym floor. Thrust, parry, thrust, slash, duck, repeat. It was almost beautiful to watch, except for the bit where we really needed to do something to help the angel and get Sabrina out of Hell where apparently she had taken Baal’s place when he came into our plane of existence. I made a mental note to ask Mike’s friend Anna about that if I lived long enough to see her again.

  I looked frantically around the gym for something heavy enough to hit Baal with, but other than a pile of little girls scattered where we’d shot demons earlier, there was nothing of any size lying around. Then my eyes lit on the still form of Bun-head, curled in a fetal position over beside one set of bleachers. I yelled over to Greg “Make sure big ugly stays off me, I’ve got an idea!”

  “How do you suggest I do that?” he yelled back.

  “I suggest you keep Phil alive!” I shouted as I dashed across the gym. Pieces of ceiling were started to fall around us as Baal and Phil’s battle raged on. We were going to have to finish this pretty quickly, or there wasn’t going to be anything left of the gym.

  I got to where Bun-head lay, and I reached out and shook her shoulder. “Hey, lady. Hey!” I shook her harder, and finally she looked up at me and screamed. I forgot that I had my fangs on display, and that tends to worry humans, even ones that sometimes summon demons. I slapped her across the face, and she stopped screaming long enough to slap me back.

  “What in the world is wrong with you, young man?” she asked tartly.

  “Wrong with me? Lady, we don’t have that much time. Anyway, do you know how to banish this big red bastard?” I pointed over to Baal, and she turned a really gross shade of pale green. I moved back a little, just in case she was going to puke, but she got herself under control. Yes, I realize the irony of not wanting to get a little puke on me when I was covered in demon brains, and blood both demonic and vampiric. But we all have our little hangups, and one of mine is being puked on.

  “How would I know anything about banishing monsters?” She asked, looking more confused than anyone who had caused this much trouble had any right to.

  “You’re kidding, right? Lady, you frickin’ summoned him! I would think that knowing how to put the genie back in the bottle would be one of the first things they teach you in demon-summoning class!”

  “Demon summoning? What are you talking about young man? And what is wrong with your teeth?”

  “Leave my teeth out of this, we’ve got way more important things to yell about right now. Like the fact that the big red guy over there is Baal, an Archduke of Hell, and that you summoned him, and now I need you to put him back where he came from because there is a very attractive lady cop that is currently hanging out in Hell, where Baal is supposed to be, because when he came here, she had to take his place down there!” I was pretty proud of the fact that I hadn’t hit her yet, but she was running out of time before I started punching things, and she was the nearest target.

  “I did no such thing, young man. I am a Christian! I merely called up the angels to assist me with a certain problem, and nothing more. I would never consort with demons! I won’t even speak to agnostics!”

  “What ‘certain problem’ did you think you were calling angels to help you with?” She didn’t answer. “Cancer? Are you sick? Do you have a sick kid?” Still nothing. “Were you praying for peace? Trying to bring the soldier home and bring those families back together?” Not a peep. “Then what the hell was it?”

  “The lottery.” She said it so quietly that I almost didn’t hear her.

  “What?”

  “You heard me.”

  “No, actually, I didn’t. You see, right behind me, my best friend is fighting a huge demon alongside a fallen angel who has suddenly decided, for lack of a better term, to walk on the side of the angels and help us. So it’s a little loud in here and you’re mumbling, so please repeat what you just said.” I tried to keep my voice very even through that little spiel, but I might have squeaked once or twice. I was a little tense.

  “I asked the angels to help me win the lottery. It’s up to 165 million, and I could use the money to do so much good.”

  “I bet you could.” I couldn’t believe it. A string of kidnappings, a zombie infestation, a pile of demon possessions, a parking lot full of trashed cars and a gymnasium that looked like Armageddon was just an opening act, and it was all for money. Root of all evil in-flippin’-deed. “So when you called these ‘angels’ did you use a spell or just pray?”

  “I found a spell to communicate with celestial bodies. I used that.”

  “Well, great job, lady! Look how well that’s worked out for everybody!”

  “I didn’t mean to!” She was almost crying now, as what she’d done started to sink in. I took a deep breath, looked back
at where Greg and Phil were holding their own (barely), and settled myself down.

  “I know. And you can make it right. Do you know how to banish this beastie?”

  “I have no idea. I don’t remember anything since Tuesday. I was walking home, and all of a sudden I was asleep. I had the most terrible dreams, too.” Crap. Tuesday was when we fought the girl at Tommy’s house. When Mike banished Belial, she must have followed the magic back to her summoner and took her over. So Bun-head remembers nothing since Belial took over and started trying to bring Daddy Dearest here to earth.

  “Alright. Stay here, then. And if that thing kills us, start running.”

  “Where will I go?”

  “I don’t think I’m going to care very much if I’m dead lady. If I croak, you’re on your own.” I stood up, dusted myself off, and got ready to jump back into the fight. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of something shiny. I’ll admit that I’m easily distracted by shiny objects, but this time it turned out to be a good thing.